Accused of making things up

LegacyUser

Hey,

I'm having som etrouble with my bf at the moment and it's really wearing me out. We've been living together for a year and half and at the begining it was lovely but lately, we fight every single day.

Often these fights result in both of us shouting at each other which I hate and of him denying things he's said and calling me mad.

This morning is a prime example. He woke up hungover and in a bit of a mood. He made a remark to me that I found offensive but when I said to him - don't say that to me again, he got angry and swore he never said that and I'm making things up. He absolutely said the remark, I have zero doubt but he accuses me of making it up and it makes me feel so frustrated.

Another issue is, I've asked him to please try and communicate without getting angry. I find it quite hard to talk to him because I get told that I'm nagging him, to shut up or to go tell someone else.

I'm at the end of my rope with this but when I tell him that, he says yawn, I've heard that before, just leave then etc

I love him but this is driving me away. I'm not in a position to move out at the moment but I would if I could just to give us both some space and perspective.

I don't want to lose him but it's getting too much for me to bear.

Any advice?

Just to add, I'm no angel and I know I have my flaws but I'm open to talking about them and working on them whereas he just tells me to shut up or stop nagging him or banging on when I try to talk to him.

Thanks:(

retro:electro

Op this is mental abuse. I had an ex bf do this to me, he used to convince me that I was going mad and had me doubt my own memory on several occasions to the point where I was worried I was losing it. It's his way of controlling both you and the situation. Honestly if you see a pattern in this behaviour I would not stand for it, I know all too well how emotionally exhausting it can be. Don't let it get to the stage where you doubt your own sanity. For me it got to the point where I was being convinced I was making things up and going mad and I just couldn't stand it anymore. The fact that he yawns at you when you try to bring up serious issues is disturbing, he is a manipulative bully. Fighting everyday signifies an unhealthy relationship and you should be seriously doubting your future with him.

tcif

wornout69 wrote: »

just leave then

Maybe this is good advice, and it's straight from the horse's mouth.

Seriously, though, as cliched as it sounds, communication is a major lifeline of any relationship. If you can't talk to each other, if your OH won't engage, or even listen respectfully to what you have to say, your relationship is in trouble.

You say you don't want to lose him, but are you thinking of the "him" you remember from when you first moved in together and all was rosy? Or this "him", who lies and then tells you to shut up and stop nagging him when you try to talk to him about it?? Because this him doesn't sound like he's good for you or to you.

Alf. A. Male

The manipulation by making you doubt yourself is called Gaslighting and his general pattern seems to be passive-aggressive Have a look and see if you recognise what's happening to you.

Sounds like you're in for a rough ride unless you make some serious changes to how you relate to each other and it's very possible the best thing you could do is end it before it gets more toxic and damaging.

LegacyUser

.
I don't want to lose him but it's getting too much
for me to bear.

you've already lost him. He lies to you, treats you like crap and has actually told you to leave.

I know it's hard to see the wood for trees when you're "in love" but if you're prepared to face cold hard facts people will always tell you what they really want and who they really are.

It could not be clearer, he's reeled you in and now that you're 'hooked' so to speak, he can be his true self around you. Your boyfriend is, passive aggressive, a liar, a bully and emotionally abusive (what a catch..). Not only that but he has shown you that he respects you and cares for you so so little that he doesn't even bother to pretend he has any interest in changing his behaviour or improving the relationship. He has also actually told you he could not give a **** if you leave him.

Sorry to be so blunt OP but it makes me so angry when I read all the posts on this forum about men and women in the ****tiest relationships ever, who would rather delude themselves that the relationship is salvageable than take a hard look at the type of person their partner actually is and the type of relationship they're actually in. You are in an abusive relationship, it's toxic and your boyfriend is an ass and none of this will ever change.

what is there to stay in the relationship for? A miserable marriage down the line, years of unhappiness, your kids hearing mam and dad shouting and roaring all the time. Your son and daughter thinking this is what a relationship is. Your son thinking this is how to treat women, your daughter thinking that this is acceptable behaviour in a partner.

He brings you no joy OP. Life is too short to be in a miserable relationship. Dump him, move on and find yourself some happiness.

Flippyfloppy

wornout69 wrote: »

I'm having som etrouble with my bf at the moment and it's really wearing me out.

I'm not surprised that it's wearing you out, or that you chose wornout as your apt username. No wonder, I've been there, it's mindnumbingly exhausting. The trouble here is that it doesn't sound like it's 'at the moment'

This behaviour, and this attitude towards you from your boyfriend sounds like it's here to stay. It's part of who he is. For someone to change they need to accept their faults, he won't even accept that he has said horrible things to you, let alone that he has major issues that need addressing, long term, by a doctor and/or therapist. Do yourself a favour and don't try to convince him of what he said, or play his little game anymore when he denies saying things. Better yet, get the hell out of dodge.

Is it money holding you back from leaving? Can you stay in a friends, with family, get him to leave?

Just highlighting more of your quotes from your OP. Read over them as if it's a strangers life, and you're lookimg in from the outside, and see how you view them, or what advice you would give.

wornout69 wrote: »

him denying things he's said and calling me mad.

wornout69 wrote: »

He made a remark to me that I found offensive but when I said to him - don't say that to me again, he got angry and swore he never said that and I'm making things up.

wornout69 wrote: »

I get told that I'm nagging him, to shut up or to go tell someone else.

wornout69 wrote: »

I'm at the end of my rope with this but when I tell him that, he says yawn, I've heard that before, just leave then etc

wornout69 wrote: »

I don't want to lose him but it's getting too much for me to bear.

wornout69 wrote: »

I'm open to talking about them and working on them whereas he just tells me to shut up or stop nagging him or banging on when I try to talk to him.

Just to add, try to forget about who he was, or how things were at the start, when he wasn't showing his true self. Who he is now is and how he treats you is what is important. Frankly the person he has 'turned into' would only be acceptable if he had a bloody brain tumour or something.

curlzy

Leave OP. Just leave. He's not going to change back to the person you love. Just imagine for a tiny second that someone blackmailed you into treating him like he's treating you. Now, would you actually be capable of it? Could you behave like him? Controlling, offensive, bullying, attacking your mental health, could you do all those things to him? I bet the answer is no and you know why? Because you're not a controlling, offensive, bully with no respect or regard for your partner's well being. Well he is, that's who he is, it just took a while for him to show you the real him. Why are you with someone like that?

Get out now, go to a family member or friend until you're back up on your feet. You'll be so much better and happier in the long run, don't waste any more time. I'm just hoping he hasn't damaged/worn you down enough, so that you feel trapped and that he's the best you can do. You can do so much better, being single is so much better, but you'll find a better man if you want one. First step to that is leaving him.

freshpopcorn

Best thing to do is leave, he even told you to leave.

Lou.m

He is behaving like a child. And you are in the mother role. It is NOT healthy. Really manipulators need to be LEFT..you cannot talk to them or deal with them. They are like eels. They will as a last resort accuse YOU of being the one playing games and try to control all interaction and if they can't will shutdown and ignore those around them. He has no regard for your feelings.

IF you do leave I wager he will try and manipulate you to feel sorry for him. He has made it clear he will not ever allow you equal rights as a person in this relationship. You either bow to his will or leave. YOU SHOULD LEAVE!

Stavro Mueller

I'm sure you've heard the phrase "If you want to know me, come live with me". You're learning the hard way what sort of person your boyfriend really is. You're also being given an insight into what life will be like if you stay with him. Why do you think that things are going to change? I mean, the pair of you are fighting every single day (I'd say your neighbours are well impressed with the shouting matches) and he's treating you very badly. I strongly suggest you google the gaslighting that was mentioned further up the page.

Your problem is that you can't see what's happening to you. You're blinkered and only seeing the happy early days of the relationship when things were nice and rosy. I also think you're in love with the idea of having the boyfriend and the relationship and the home together.

If you choose to stay with this man despite all the good advice being given to you by the other posters on this thread, please don't bring children into this world (Please don't tell me you've children or are planning to have them). This guy doesn't sound like he has your back. I also dread to think about the example you'd be giving your children. For boys they'd learn that it's acceptable to tell women that what they're saying is wrong, refuse to engage in conversations and generally treat them like crap. For girls they'd learn that it's OK to put up with this sort of abusive behaviour.

I really think you should go. Maybe it's for the best that you're at the end of your tether and have asked for help on here. You're in a position where you can walk away now. Take it.

mrsbyrne

This boy doesn't love you. Nothing you could do will make him love you. He never loved you. He fooled you into thinking he did so he could have someone to use and abuse. He doesn't even like you. There is someone out there who will love you and care about you. Unless you actually want to spend the next few years being abused by this loser, get your things and get out.
Then he'll ring you and cry and be sorry and beg you to come back. Because he misses his punch bag. He can't feel good about himself if he's not making someone else cry. Don't be that someone else. Let him find another someone else.
If you heard what he says to his friends about you , you would die. Go now.