How to get over an ex when you don't know why you broke up?

LegacyUser

My girlfriend broke up with me two months ago. I took it hard because I was mad about her, but I guess I didn't realise it at the time.

I am having a hard time getting over her. Some days I would be fine and only think about her when I let my mind wander, other days I constantly think of her and all the good times we had.

But I am struggling to understand why she broke up with me. She never explained why, just vague excuses like that she's not at the right place for a relationship right now. Of course this was just a cop out, but I never got the true reason why she ended it.

We had a good relationship i.e. never fought, had great fun together, endless late night conversations over the phone. But then a couple of months before the end of the relationship, I noticed her being a bit distant. I just figured she was busy with work and some other personal stuff going on, but clearly that's when she was thinking of bailing on me.

I don't know what happened during those final two months of us being together. Looking back I can't see how I was behaving any differently than any other time before that. Did she get bored? Was she no longer attracted to me? Did I do something that just put her off?

It's these questions that are killing me. I can't stop asking myself "what did I do that caused her to stop loving me?". It had to be something. You just don't suddenly stop loving someone for no reason. I have tried to contact her a few times since we broke up, just for a chat. We ended things well, and she said she wanted to stay in touch, but she has ignored me every time I've messaged her. It's hard to take being ignored by someone you care so much about.

It's even more difficult getting over someone and moving on when you can't see where you went wrong. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. What can I do help me get over this?

Stavro Mueller

There doesn't have to be a reason. Even if she was asked. your ex might not be able to say exactly why she went off you and broke up. It's all irrelevant now anyway. She has moved on with her life and you're stuck. She's doing the right thing by ignoring your texts. Cold and all as it may seem the only way to get over a break up like this is to cut all contact. Mainly for two reasons. Firstly, staying in touch with her will give you false hope. Secondly, how would you feel if you look at Facebook some day and see photos of her with some other man?

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Break-ups are often painful and even more so when we are not sure why it happened, but the reality is it did happen and even if you knew why, it would not change a thing.

If you were respectful and good to her, then accept you did your best in the relationship and it simply wasn't meant to be. It has been two months now so it is time to stop putting your life on hold. You won't get this time back.

Thanks for replying.

Even though I probably will never know the reason she broke up with me, I know there was a reason. Maybe I tried my best at the start of the relationship and at the end I was taking things for granted and not putting in the effort and I hadn't noticed. It's not something that she or anyone else in the same position would have "warned" me about and so this boredom could have just kept chipping away at the relationship until it finally broke.

But it was something I could have changed if only I had known. Or maybe it wasn't that at all. I'm just clueless.

I do think that knowing what "it" was would help me move on. I don't want to make the same mistakes again, but if I don't know where I went wrong, how can I move on? I'll always be worried that I'll fall into the same trap again.

milli milli

downanout wrote: »

I do think that knowing what "it" was would help me move on. I don't want to make the same mistakes again, but if I don't know where I went wrong, how can I move on? I'll always be worried that I'll fall into the same trap again.

Most people have been dumped/blown off for reasons unknown. Unfortunately it's a fact of life.
What if the reason she broke up with you was because she didn't fancy you anymore - would you actually want to hear this? Or it could be something else hurtful - would you really want to hear this and risk getting hurt again?

And why are you thinking it was something you did, or some way you behaved? That's a bad way to be thinking. Do you think you're flawed in some way and you're the reason for the breakup?
also there is a chance if you find out what it is, you'll change and you'll go back to your ex telling her you've changed and you hope she'll take you back?

You must believe in your own self worth.
It looks like in this case, for whatever reason your girlfriend decided to end the relationship. Perhaps the more she got to know you, she decided you weren't compatible. Happens all the time.
You shouldn't have to change because of this.
Question your behaviour if it's continuously happening to you, ok. But not in this case.
You will find a girl who is compatible with you in the future and she'll accept you as you are. But you shouldn't have to change for anyone

But for the moment, it seems you will just have to accept that it ended without a definite reason, but it's over. It sucks but you will have to make peace with it.

Good luck OP

Stavro Mueller

Have you never outgrown a relationship or friendship in your life? You know - where you come to realise over time that the person you really liked at one stage isn't someone you want to hang out with any more. It's not that you or them have done anything wrong. You've just gone off them for want of a better description. It could be that you've changed as people. You now have different outlooks on life. Or indeed any number of reasons.

If you rule out the falling out of love/not compatible angle, there's also the possibility that she met someone else while she was with you and started to turn cool.

LegacyUser

I know we weren't going out for long in the grand scheme of things, 10 months, but I would have thought after a few months of dating you would know if you are compatible or not. I just can't comprehend how people fall out of love for no reason.

This was actually my first serious relationship so it was all a bit new to me. It just feels terrible to think back to when she was telling me she loved me, and what she saw in me to make her feel that. How did it all just disappear? When she thinks back, she must remember why she said it, and why it's different now.

After coming out of this relationship I just feel it's not worth the risk of having to deal with a breakup and go through it all again. I should have just stayed single.

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

I've been in this same situation. The only thing I can tell you is that with the benefit of time and self reflection you will eventually realise what was wrong with the relationship and why she finished it. It may be 6 months, a year or 5 years but eventually the day will come when it suddenly clicks that it wasn't as perfect as you thought at the time (or now).

In the meanwhile you need to focus on looking after yourself, it's a crappy thing to have to go through but try to make a few positives from it. Focus on your career, friends or take up a new hobby.

Best of luck

Merkin

downanout wrote: »

I do think that knowing what "it" was would help me move on. I don't want to make the same mistakes again, but if I don't know where I went wrong, how can I move on? I'll always be worried that I'll fall into the same trap again.

And I think that while you remain intent on finding out the "reason" you are not actually going to be able to move on my dear. The moment you are able to maybe let that part go, that sometimes we won't always get the answers we want, is the moment you can set yourself free from this. I was dumped once and had my little heart smashed to smithereens and the first month or so was needlessly hard because I felt I wasn't given a reason. I never contacted the guy but I did torture myself with introspection as to what it could possibly have been given that all had been so great. And sometimes we just have to let things go. All YOU need to know is that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. That's the cold, hard fact of the matter so it doesn't matter what the "reason" was (sometimes it can just be instinctive) she doesn't want your as her boyfriend anymore. Come to terms with that and that alone, don't contact her ever again, and sooner rather than later you're going to begin to feel better about it all. I know your little heart is hurt but you will begin to feel better soon if you take the excellent advice given to you on this thread xx

Matteroffact

You did nothing wrong OP. This woman was in love with love at the beginning of this relationship. It was all a novelty and the novelty wore off. So because it was not real love it fell apart. So don't take any of this personally. You are still a great guy. She is the fickle one.

milli milli

downanout wrote: »

After coming out of this relationship I just feel it's not worth the risk of having to deal with a breakup and go through it all again. I should have just stayed single.

That's the risk with love - if it doesn't work out, there's the heartbreak and pain.
And when it happens the first time, there is no pain like it.
I never thought I would ever get through my first heartbreak. I never experienced pain like it. I couldn't breathe, I thought I was going to die of a broken heart and of course I thought no-one in the history of the world had ever felt like this.

But everyone gets their heart broken (well anyone who falls in love with someone). That's the price you pay. And everyone here has said, "Never again".
But when enough time has passed and you are ready to take another chance, eventhough you can't see it now, you WILL love again.

Take time to heal and look after yourself OP.

tara73

what about the simple reason she met somebody else and didn't had the courage to tell you?
the fact she was distant the last time of the relationship, broke it off abruptly and is ignoring you indicates it for me.

could be all wrong but could you find out? at least it will give you a part to the answer why she did it.
sure it's hurtful too, but it might be a step in getting more closure.

Eeden

The pressure to "achieve closure" makes letting go even more difficult. The relationship is over. You may never know exactly why, but you still need to accept that it is over and leave it at that. I'm not saying it shouldn't hurt - of course it does. It hurts like hell. But there is no figuring out someone's motives for ending a relationship, and you don't "deserve" to know.

You would like to know, of course - you might think it will make things easier in future relationships, but probably the real answer would be something very vague like "it just didn't feel right"; "I like you, but as a friend"; "something was missing". Yes, sometimes there may be more to it than that, but if there is, it probably has nothing to do with you and all to do with the person who is breaking up with you.

I hope you can get over this soon.

Sodeepithurts

OP if I were betting on her reason I would say she met someone else, it could be the reason why she is so secretive.

From the sounds of it you could be better off without her, she said she wanted to stay in touch yet she ignores your messages. She's a lying coward.

LegacyUser

First off, I'm pretty certain she wasn't cheating on me.

But I think you are right on one thing though. She just realised we just weren't compatible. I did think the same thing for a while early on in the relationship, because we were different in a lot of ways, but for some reason I looked beyond all that and still wanted to be with her. Even after the breakup I focused on why our relationship wasn't good, or what I didn't like about her, but I still would gladly live with all those "problems" to be back with her again.

I am getting the feeling you never get over being dumped, that you just have to live with the pain and memories. Am I right?

kjl

I had a bit of a weird break up about 2 years ago and I am still feeling the way you feel. Part of me would like to get some closure on the situation and part of me would like to just talk to her again, but I know in the back of my mind it's not for the best.

Just plunge on op, most days now are fine for me, but there is the odd day I think of her again.

fergie24

Heartbreak is a bitch.

Going through the same thing right now, was year and a half in a long distance relationship (Cork to central Europe) everything i did in that year and a half was for the relationship and to see each other as often as financial and work wise as possible, was to move to her before the end of the year and spend our life together. Then bang month a go got a text i dont have feelings for you any more and goodbye out of no where.

Its a terrible feeling, even more so when its not done face to face and you cant just hop in a car to see whats wrong or she is not willing to meet you. Like you I have spent the past month wondering what the hell happened, feeling that my life has been turned upside down and have so many questions that i will never know the answers too.

I know how hard it is to move on op with all these questions you keep asking yourself every day and like you i would give any thing to see her but i am coming around that sometimes the other person in the relationship see's an easy way out, it got too much, hasnt grown up or life would be much easier than being with this person than work for it. These are the answers i tell myself to my questions and that it was good to know the character of her now than having got married or having kids with this girl and found out later.

It dosent stop the pain any less and does feel like i will carry this around with me along time but Im sure i will look back at this in 12 months time and feel that wasnt i lucky she did what she did at that time than say later.