A lose/lose situation?

MiloDublin

I was invited to a house on the continent for a 5 day break by a girlfriend, she also invited a couple I introduced her to and their daughter. Today I found out that she invited another guy who she met through the couple.
Every time I have met this guy he has managed to slip in some snide comment directed at me and he is the last person I would like to spend five days with.
I am annoyed as I was looking forward to the trip but now I don't know what is the best course of action. I could just make an excuse and not go but that makes me the stroppy one. Whatever I do it looks like a lose/lose situation.
Any constructive feedback ?

freshpopcorn

What are you the snide comments like?
Sometimes people are more blunt/honest/speak there opinions. Its just the way they are.

Matteroffact

If you would prefer not to go then just tell her that something else cropped up and that now you cannot go. You don't have to say it is because of this guy.

irish gent

I would not go at all now.

I think it's better to go, and if needs be, have it out with him, than spend a week at home knowing he's off with your girlfriend and friends having a lovely holiday at your expense (expense as in you've given up your holiday on his account).

JeffKenna

OP would you just not discuss this with your girlfriend?

MiloDublin

JeffKenna wrote: »

OP would you just not discuss this with your girlfriend?

She is a friend who happens to be a girl, not a girlfriend. I did think of discussing the issue with her. But my negotiating objective is disinvite him which is clearly unacceptable. One idea I had is to stay in a local hotel -maybe this is the best solution.
Thanks for the feedback, interesting to see the different angles.

stargazer 68

Op why should you give up a lovely break you were looking forward to because of some guys random comments. Rise above it and just smile sweetly at him - everyone will just see him for the fool he is.

K_P

You should definitely still go. It's unfortunate that someone you don't get on with will also be there, but you should still go and just do your best to tune the guy out. To go and stay in a local hotel would look a bit strange in my opinion. Forget about this guy and have a great time with your friends.

ongarboy

it might not have to be a lose/lose situation.

One situation is that you can decide you are not going to let this guys snide comments spoil your holiday and view him as someone with the problem if he feels the need to undermine others to validate himself. Why give him the power of denying yourself a great trip? This is a win situation

Another situation is that he may not conduct himself this way on the trip and you'll all get on great and your concerns were unfounded. Another win situation.

A third situation is that you bring him to task and confront him should he try to be snide or belittle you in anyway. It will demonstrate confidence in you and perhaps put the frighteners on him if he knows he can't get away with it and will stop. You still get to enjoy the trip albeit with some initial effort in confronting and resolving the issue. Another win situation.

Or it can be a losing situation if you choose to go down the routes you've proposed or anticipated.

Your choice.

JuliusCaesar

ongarboy wrote: »

A third situation is that you bring him to task and confront him should he try to be snide or belittle you in anyway. It will demonstrate confidence in you and perhaps put the frighteners on him if he knows he can't get away with it and will stop. You still get to enjoy the trip albeit with some initial effort in confronting and resolving the issue. Another win situation.

If this guy is disrespectful of you by making snide comments, do call him on it. Stand up for yourself! You are respectful of him and don't diss him, do you? So you should be treated the same way in return.

Allowing him to continue is just allowing a bully to bully.

Rubberchikken

Do you know why this guy treats you like that? Does he behave like that with others?
Is he jealous of you or your friendship with this girl?
Tbh he sounds immature and a pain.
If you think you'd enjoy the holiday even with him there, then go.

But if there's a chance his crap will turn it sour, i for one wouldn't throw away precious holidays on such a person

freshpopcorn

What kind of comments does he make to you? Could it be the fact that you might be oversensitive?

cloudatlas

If he says anything snide just say 'I'm sorry can you repeat that' or 'I'm not sure what you mean by that can you explain'. Wrong foots nasty people and makes them think twice before making snide comments again..

suicide_circus

Go on the holiday, enjoy it, any comments from this guy - call him out immediately and ask him to clarify.

Pawwed Rig

suicide_circus wrote: »

Go on the holiday, enjoy it, any comments from this guy - call him out immediately and ask him to clarify.

Or something like 'Ah come on we're all here to enjoy ourselves so let's not get personal'. Said in a nice manner will highlight the situation to everyone while keeping the holiday atmosphere and not making things awkward for others. A more direct approach could go either way for you depending on how sensitive you are being (or others think you are being).

dellas1979

Sounds like you are scared or dont want to stand up to him.
"Ah that was a sh***y comment".
What do you think he'd do if you said that? Burst into the hulk?

bakergirl91

Hey op, I am with a few other here. I think you should go, but if he passes a comment you dont like put him in his place firmly but not in a way that will start an argument. I find that if you catch someone off guard in a matter of fact way they will quickly learn. Enjoy the break !

MiloDublin

freshpopcorn wrote: »

What kind of comments does he make to you? Could it be the fact that you might be oversensitive?

The comments are of derogatory, disparaging, and undermining nature and it's not a question of being sensitive or not. It's about being respectful. He comes over a bitter person.
Why would I want to go into a conflict situation when it should be hanging out with friends?

freshpopcorn

MiloDublin wrote: »

Why would I want to go into a conflict situation when it should be hanging out with friends?

Some friends slag each other off.
Does anybody else in the group have a problem with him?

Paddy Cow

MiloDublin wrote: »

She is a friend who happens to be a girl, not a girlfriend. I did think of discussing the issue with her. But my negotiating objective is disinvite him which is clearly unacceptable. One idea I had is to stay in a local hotel -maybe this is the best solution.
Thanks for the feedback, interesting to see the different angles.

If you ask for him to be uninvited you will cause a load of drama and be seen as the bad guy.

For whatever reason, this guy has a problem with you and if you don't go, he will see it as a win and use the holiday to subtly put you down in the eyes of your friend and she may become distant with you.

This is the type of drama that we normally associate with teenage girls. For your own sake, I'd say go and don't let this guy know that he is getting to you. If he knows you are not going anywhere and you aren't going to give him the reaction he wants, eventually he will stop.

As others have said, when he says something snide or bitchy, say something like "could you repeat that please" or "what do you mean by that?" or "are you having a bad day, you seem a bit off". It will take a lot of patience on your part but please don't rise to him.

People like him are very manipulative and dangerous. Chances are that your friend doesn't see this side of him and thinks he is brilliant. Trust me, I've been in that situation where someone is undermining me and slowly chipping away at my confidence but everyone else sees a great person. The only way you can sort him out is to kill him with assertiveness and kindness. It is emotionally draining and sometimes it seems the easiest thing is to not be around them but that is the worst thing possible.

You have to decide which is more important - being friends with this girl or not being around him. In my case, I chose not being around the person who was being passive aggressive and it made me look like the one in the wrong. It's tough but if you stand up for yourself now, it will save you a lot of hassle in the future.

Teyla Emmagan

Your friend invited you because she wants you there. At least talk to her before you decide not to go. She could feel snubbed/disappointed otherwise. And then you've effectively let 'him win'.

At least speak to her first and let her know your reservations.

Pabmac

I agree. Speak with your friend. I dont think I would go on the holiday. Sounds like too much hassle if you would worry about snide comments etc. Expense etc. By the way does your friend know whats going on?

Pabmac

MiloDublin wrote: »

The comments are of derogatory, disparaging, and undermining nature and it's not a question of being sensitive or not. It's about being respectful. He comes over a bitter person.
Why would I want to go into a conflict situation when it should be hanging out with friends?

This person sounds like he's threatened by you.

Gannicus

Just grow up and tell her you do not like this guy and/or the snide comments he makes to you and you would prefer if he didn't go as you will feel uncomfortable the entire time you are away and you shouldn't be made to feel this way while on holiday.

If you're caught lying or making up some silly excuse not to go it will look worse.

ShowMeTheCash

Maybe just grow up and act like an adult?

Being insenative here, but perhaps you need to learn to be a little less sensative?

Life is full of people that perhaps you will not like, if you let them effect you then the issue lies with you...

Surrounding myself with people I dislike I find kind of liberating.. Usually I say whatever comes into my head without fear of hurting any feelings

freshpopcorn

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

Maybe just grow up and act like an adult?

Being insenative here, but perhaps you need to learn to be a little less sensative?

Life is full of people that perhaps you will not like, if you let them effect you then the issue lies with you...

Surrounding myself with people I dislike I find kind of liberating.. Usually I say whatever comes into my head without fear of hurting any feelings

That is true. People work/live/socialise/related/friends of friends that they don't get on with and in the majority of the cases the best thing to do is be civil and try and ignore them.

LegacyUser

I dont agree with those saying "grow up" jesus, think of something bit more helpful to say. One of the most annoying things I see on boards.

HOWEVER.... I personally dont blame you OP, I was asked to go on a holiday for a week with my OH's mam and I said no - purely because I keep myself to myself away from her as much as possible. If a person is mean, cruel and spiteful WHY would I want to put myself in a close situation with her for ONE WHOLE WEEK? Nope sorry not gonna happen. I see her on my terms when I want! This is not me being "over-sensitive" I am being logical, and not putting myself in a situation where I will not enjoy myself, and no amount of ignoring is going to make it any better. I wouldnt dream of spending a fortune on a holiday to sit listening to her insult me as a person everyday!

Speak to your friend OP and see what she/he says about it all! You should be able to say how you feel if it's a good friend to you

ShowMeTheCash

Hey OP wrote: »

I dont agree with those saying "grow up" jesus, think of something bit more helpful to say. One of the most annoying things I see on boards.

HOWEVER.... I personally dont blame you OP, I was asked to go on a holiday for a week with my OH's mam and I said no - purely because I keep myself to myself away from her as much as possible. If a person is mean, cruel and spiteful WHY would I want to put myself in a close situation with her for ONE WHOLE WEEK? Nope sorry not gonna happen. I see her on my terms when I want! This is not me being "over-sensitive" I am being logical, and not putting myself in a situation where I will not enjoy myself, and no amount of ignoring is going to make it any better. I wouldnt dream of spending a fortune on a holiday to sit listening to her insult me as a person everyday!

Speak to your friend OP and see what she/he says about it all! You should be able to say how you feel if it's a good friend to you

OK do this, just don't be surprised when people stop inviting you things!

Then you will be on boards saying that "My friends are excluding me, what should I do?"

Louise Jordan

I don't think you should be giving this person so much power or investing so much energy in him.

Go on the holiday like you had planned and go with good faith. If he starts acting like a jockstrap again then smile and shake your head. Don't invest in other people's negativity. The alternative really is to stay home cursing this person while he's off having a super holiday that you could have been on. Personally I don't think he sounds worth it