Should I stick with it or walk?

368100

Hi all, need a bit of independent advice.

So a few months ago a girl I know told me she had feelings for me even though she was already in a longish term (3 year) relationship already.

We have been on nights out in same company over the last 9 months so always had an opportunity to sit and chat on those nights out.

When she came out with this, we met up on our own and talked about the whole thing and she wasn't happy with her boyfriend (who she was living with) and was thinking about leaving him. We didn't do anything more than talk at these meets and I told her that I felt some sort of connection to her too and would like to explore that but that would have to be after she split up with the other guy. I also told her that I was due to go for a bit of surgery and wanted that out of the way before starting anything physical.

A few days later, she went to a wedding with her fella and pictures were plastered over Facebook of the two of them looking very loved up. It was her birthday a couple of days later and when I txt her a couple of days later I just got a "thanks". I got from the no contact over the previous week and the short reply to the birthday message that she had decided to stay with him and my defenses went up and I ignored her the next time I saw her. Soon after I got a txt asking if I was annoyed and I replied saying yes, that whatever decision she was to make fair enough, but she could have had the courtesy to tell me.

So fast forward a few weeks and I ran into her unexpectedly, she started talking to me and I was polite and answered. Later that eveen she txt to say it was nice to talk to me, I said yeah but I really don't know what to say to you. She then told me she had broken up with her fella in the previous few days.

So we kept chatting and I decided to see where this was gonna go. We went on a day trip, got on really well, kissed blah blah and the day flew by. We started seeing each other with only one or two of our mutual friends knowing as we just wanted to see how things went. All through this I talked to her about my surgery and she was ok about it (given its of a personal nature).

She got an opportunity to go on holidays with one of her friends and she said she wanted to go given a lot of things had happened over the last few months and she wanted to get away. I encouraged her to go to get away and even loaned her money to go as money that was due to her hadn't come in time. The weekend before she went she asked me round to her house and I stayed the night for the first time, things were getting very close with us but we talked about it and agreed that it didn't feel rushed and we were both happy.

So I had my surgery the week she was away. She txt the day of the operation but I didn't reply as I was out of it and then afterwards felt she should be away enjoying herself rather than txt me, she was back a couple of days afterwardsd so we could start to pick up then.

She came back and things seem to have vastly changed. Any contact is like getting blood out of a stone and we've gone from being in contact every day to every 3/4 days. This is over the past week and a half. Unfortunately I can't drive so can't see her to sort it out so I asked her via txt what the story was. She said that the whole surgery thing has been a lot to take in, my first answer to that was that id been honest about the the whole way through, her only answer was "I know, I'll be grand". But she wasn't grand, and still I got the feeling that I was bothering her by texting her. Again, the way I handle these things is to put the defenses up so I stubbornly didn't contact her. 4 days pass and I get a message looking for my account details so she can lodge the money back that she borrowed and a "how are you". I gave her my details but didnt answer the how are you. Then following day I get a message saying "ur obviously pissed off at me" again didn't reply, so got a message few mins later saying "ok then". I replied and said I was taking some time out to think about things to which she said ok.

I'm trying to figure out if I'm wasting my time here or should give it another go. In my opinion, the way she has treated the surgery thing woudn't say to me that she'd be great to be in a relationship with. Maybe it's an age thing, I dunno, I'm 32 and she's 24. I've been messed about in the past and Not about to walk into same again. Sorry for the long post but I wanted to get all the relevant info in.

Any thoughts?

LegacyUser

I'm of the opinion that if a start of a possible relationship is this much hassle then it isn't worth it. I personally think it should be fun, no communication issues or drama. So I dunno OP if it was me I'd bow out at this stage, but in future - be outstraight. Seriously! Both as bad as each other IMO but communication is key! Without that you have zilch. And she kinda sounds like a bit of a drama queen too, not knowing what she wants.

Merkin

Communication between you both seems absolutely dire. Instead of monosyllabic texts why don't you actually meet up, without any drink involved, and see how you get on/if you're singing from the same hymn sheet?

Alf. A. Male

She started something with you while with someone else. Personally I wouldn think that says a lot about her attitude to you and relationships in general. Sounds to me like she used you for a bit of attention when it suited her and there is nothing for you to stick with or walk away from.

pauliebdub

I would be very hesitant to get involved with someone who is still with someone else. As the previous poster said it says a lot about her character and attitude to relationships. Would you ever be able to really trust her?

Dandelion515

This sounds so tough OP. The only advice I can give is that if someone likes you, you will know it. They'll go out of their way to see you, to contact you, to be with you. From everything you've said she does seem to be messing you around, don't let yourself get dragged into it. And as Alf. A. Male said, she was starting something with you when she was with someone else. That points to deceit and dishonesty, traits she'd probably bring with her into your relationship, if one ever starts. Don't allow yourself to get hurt, move on!

368100

Thanks folks, as I said in my first post I do intend to offer to meet her when I can but I wanted to get a few thoughts first.

Unfortunately can't do it at min as still recovering from the surgery.

Still do feel some connection to her despite what's happened but maybe that's me just not wanting to give up straight away.

368100

Hey OP wrote: »

I'm of the opinion that if a start of a possible relationship is this much hassle then it isn't worth it. I personally think it should be fun, no communication issues or drama. So I dunno OP if it was me I'd bow out at this stage, but in future - be outstraight. Seriously! Both as bad as each other IMO but communication is key! Without that you have zilch. And she kinda sounds like a bit of a drama queen too, not knowing what she wants.

Why do you say in future be outstraight?? I was honest from day one about everything?

LegacyUser

368100 wrote: »

Why do you say in future be outstraight?? I was honest from day one about everything?

OP you ignored some of her questions in txts, you knew you were doing it. You weren't being outstraight because her behaviour was annoying you. Save yourself the headache in future and say what's on your mind!
You actually say in your first post you put your defences up and were being stubborn. IMO you should have been blunt with her! Be honest about your feelings!

Dellnum

I dunno about her but is it safe to be giving out your bank details to someone like that.

368100

Dellnum wrote: »

I dunno about her but is it safe to be giving out your bank details to someone like that.

Yes, I'm very sure I've nothing to worry about in that respect

CaraMay

You are playing games with her whether you like to admit it or not

Barely There

You're not even in a proper relationship with her yet and she already has your head wreaked.

Doesn't bode well.

Saulcortez

CaraMay wrote: »

You are playing games with her whether you like to admit it or not

"Playing games" is an inherent component of social interaction. It's the reason why you don't tell someone who is obese how terrible they look. You consider the your own interests and the interests of others and how they will be effected by your words and actions. There is nothing necessarily wrong with "game playing".

OP forget about her, she sounds like trouble

ManOfMystery

You're in the early stages of a possible relationship OP. This is meant to great fun, the honeymoon period when you both get on fantastic and can't keep your hands off each other, and the future holds endless possibilities for you both.

I certainly don't get a sense of that from your posts. I get drama, insecurity, mind games, and stress. I think she is primarily to blame, as she can't seem to decide exactly what she wants (that applies to both you and her last relationship), but you have not always taken the high road either by choosing to ignore her and deliberately being stubborn.

If this is what things are like now, can you imagine what it will be like in 3-4 years when she has perhaps got bored with you and the excitement and novelty of a new relationship has worn off? I'd walk now.

368100

Thanks folks. Consensus of advice seems to be to walk.

I'll meet with her next week and depending how that goes will be the deciding factor but appreciate all the comments.

CaraMay

Saulcortez wrote: »

"Playing games" is an inherent component of social interaction. It's the reason why you don't tell someone who is obese how terrible they look. You consider the your own interests and the interests of others and how they will be effected by your words and actions. There is nothing necessarily wrong with "game playing".

OP forget about her, she sounds like trouble

Not answering direct questions is needless game playing at the start of a relationship.

December2012

To be honest, and it's probably because you've just had surgery, but I think you're being a bit hard on the girl.

You say you can't see each other because you're recovering - well that's not her fault now is it.

And given that you were the one who was having the surgery you were the one who knew about your recovery and abilities. She may have tried to understand but can't because she's younger and it's not happening to her. That doesn't make her a bad person - the only way people can properly empathise is by having gone through a similar experience.

Also, you're not going out that long so I don't know if you've unrealistic ideas about how much she should care about you and your recovery from surgery.

You ignored her texts and got annoyed at her, but I still don't see what SHE did to justify that.

Get off your high horse about not knowing what she wants - it was good enough for you when you had what you wanted wasn't it?

368100

CaraMay wrote: »

Not answering direct questions is needless game playing at the start of a relationship.

I agree and if life was perfect we would all say what we want and there would be nonnegative consequences.

But life isn't perfect, things happen and feelings get hurt and people react to hurt feelings.

Can I just clarify that a number of my attempted contacts went unanswered before I started ignoring txts from her. Some might say that's tit for tat but as I say above, life isn't perfect and people react to hurt feelings.