Terrified I'm making a mistake

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Regular poster here but going anonymus for obvious reasons.
I need help figuring out if I am making a mistake.
I've been living in Dublin for close to 20 years. I've enjoyed it mostly but in the last few years, I've been finding it difficult financially and emotionally.
I used to have a great paying job and bought a house in the commuter belt which is in negative equity.
I've rented it out and according to the auctioneer, I'll be out of negative equity in a year or so.
Unfortunately I cannot afford to buy anything in Dublin as prices have gone stupid again.
So I've been offered a job in Cork which on the surface pays well and I'll be moving back in with my folks for a month or two which I am extremely grateful for.
Something feels just off and I don't know what it is. I know moving back will be financially (overall) beneficial, I'll be close to family and friends but I feel like at 40, I should be in a different place in my life.
I am normally a positive person but I look back and go what the hell was I doing all those years.
I'm terrified that the job won't be as good as what I have here and chances to move are slim in Cork.
Just wondering if anyone else has been in my position before?
Thanks for taking the time to read and advise.

Addle

It's a massive change OP, so only natural to be anxious.
Reads to me like you have nothing to lose, so I say go for it.
Best wishes!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your response Addle.
Its good to get an outside perspective.
My gut is screaming at me and the last time it did that was when I bought that house and I knew I was making a mistake but went ahead anyways.
I am a big believer in gut listening but like you say it could be the anxiety of such a big move.
If I could stay in the job I am in and move, it wouldn't feel as scary.
I'd love to know if anyone else has done this?

Thanks again

irishguy1983

Help123456789 wrote: »

Hi all,

Regular poster here but going anonymus for obvious reasons.
I need help figuring out if I am making a mistake.
I've been living in Dublin for close to 20 years. I've enjoyed it mostly but in the last few years, I've been finding it difficult financially and emotionally.
I used to have a great paying job and bought a house in the commuter belt which is in negative equity.
I've rented it out and according to the auctioneer, I'll be out of negative equity in a year or so.
Unfortunately I cannot afford to buy anything in Dublin as prices have gone stupid again.
So I've been offered a job in Cork which on the surface pays well and I'll be moving back in with my folks for a month or two which I am extremely grateful for.
Something feels just off and I don't know what it is. I know moving back will be financially (overall) beneficial, I'll be close to family and friends but I feel like at 40, I should be in a different place in my life.
I am normally a positive person but I look back and go what the hell was I doing all those years.
I'm terrified that the job won't be as good as what I have here and chances to move are slim in Cork.
Just wondering if anyone else has been in my position before?
Thanks for taking the time to read and advise.

I'm kind of in a similar boat but younger and having spent less time in Dublin.

Spent 3 years in Dublin - found it tough emotionally and financially.

I am moving back to Cork where I'll have far more money, all my family and I am looking forward too it.

Of course I have doubts about my new job and how it will all go - also I understand I kind of need job to work out as chances of moving in Cork are slim.

If it doesn't work out for you job wise you could always get another job back in Dublin.

It might be a case of this not having anything to dow with location and maybe more to do with you not being happy about how your life is panning out - just a thought.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your response Irishguy...
I think one of the things I am banking on when I do move home is that I'll focus on my personal life and relationships.
I'm disappointed I am not married with kids at this stage but definitely a partner will be on the cards.
I'm the only one of my family living in Ireland but I've zero relatives in Dublin and it gets lonely.
I'll need to make sure this job works out.

stickybookmark

What you're doing is part of a long-established ritual......Corkonians eventually leaving Dublin and going home to roost. Cork people are like homing pigeons, they move home like no-one I know! Maybe you feel like heading back to Cork is like admitting defeat on Dublin - you couldn't hack it/it didn't work out but the reality is that so many other Cork people do the same and usually for similar reasons - property is more affordable, want to be closer to family etc.
If you're 40 and not married with kids I'd say you'll be much happier being close to your family and friends in Cork. You've had a good run of it in Dublin so you should look at this positively and look forward to the next phase. You never know what's round the corner...

Addle

I left a city to move closer to home.
I was in a relationship at the time so it was a big decision.
Best think I ever did was move.

I am so happy to be close to home at this stage of my life.

The relationship didn't last.
If I had stayed in the city to be with boyfriend, I'd probably be in some pickle now.

Am single now. Not actively looking for a relationship, but wouldn't say no to one either.

You're being proactive OP, and that's a positive thing. I hope you get something positive out of it.

LegacyUser

Stickybookmark,
Your post make me laugh out loud. Thanks 
Being close to family and longstanding friends is more important to me now.
I’ll be in a bind financially until I’ve offloaded the house but fortunately for me my negative equity isn’t as large as others.
I had a good run of it in Dublin. Spent nearly half my life so far up here but home is calling and only I know if its right for me or not.
I read back over emails from the beginning of the year and it just scares me how much I wanted this and gave myself 6 – 12 months to get back. Now I have and I should just be delighted.

LegacyUser

Thanks Addle – you are all making me feel better already.

irishguy1983

Help123456789 wrote: »

Thanks for your response Irishguy...
I think one of the things I am banking on when I do move home is that I'll focus on my personal life and relationships.
I'm disappointed I am not married with kids at this stage but definitely a partner will be on the cards.
I'm the only one of my family living in Ireland but I've zero relatives in Dublin and it gets lonely.
I'll need to make sure this job works out.

I recognise all that - I really do.

I know I am younger and whilst I have mates in Dooblin my family and best mates are in Cork. I get incredibly lonely and down in Dublin - I am going home to family in Cork which should take the edge off that and I am looking forward to having more cash and not having to motivate myself all the time - that is what family are for if you get me

I actually think I'll have more chance of meeting a lady in Cork as I'll be in better mood with family around me and not coping with everything on my own.

Plus as you well know yourself Cork is simply better than anywhere else in Ireland and probably the world.

I am looking forward too a regular supply of Tanora and Lennoxs on Friday night Also www.peoplesrepublicofcork.com is far superior to boards.ie

irishguy1983

stickybookmark wrote: »

What you're doing is part of a long-established ritual......Corkonians eventually leaving Dublin and going home to roost. Cork people are like homing pigeons, they move home like no-one I know! Maybe you feel like heading back to Cork is like admitting defeat on Dublin - you couldn't hack it/it didn't work out but the reality is that so many other Cork people do the same and usually for similar reasons - property is more affordable, want to be closer to family etc.
If you're 40 and not married with kids I'd say you'll be much happier being close to your family and friends in Cork. You've had a good run of it in Dublin so you should look at this positively and look forward to the next phase. You never know what's round the corner...

Your completely right there - we genuinely believe Cork is the greatest place on earth and hence we all go home. I am hoping to get involved with local politics when I get home and I want independence from the rest of the country.

On a serious note the poster will still have city life, West Cork family, more cash, closer to family, etc. They are the reasons I am going home anyway.

Sun in Capri

Perfectly normal to be anxious about the move after 20 years of living in Dublin. When you do move give yourself time to settle back in, a few months I would say. You always have the option to go back to Dublin at some stage if you want as you have your property there. Change is always a bit scary but life is short and all about experiences. Go for it and give it your best shot.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who responded.
I'm walking away from a great job that I enjoy but they can't offer me a work from Cork option unfortunately.
I think that is a bit of the anxiety but being close to home, parents, friends, aunts, uncles, cousins will give me more than a job I like in a city where I am officially lonely.
I'm a little scared about the financial part but I cannot predict the future. I'm one of those irritating people who have a tendency to think faraway hills are greener.
The overwhelming response is this is good thing I am doing and I take solace in that.
Irishguy - the first thing I am going to do is run into Lennoxs - get chips and battered sausages - bring them home in the car with the delicious smell and stuff my face

LegacyUser

Hi Help,

I have some idea of how you feel as was in a similar position a number of years ago.
I was in my mid 30's and living and working in Dublin when I got the chance to leave Dublin. Like yourself I was single and I had to think about things on a long term basis. I decided to move out of Dublin. I won't say that it was all easy but on the whole I am glad I made the move.

Rather than staying in Dublin where you have had a certain amount of stress you have been given the option to move to Cork. You may be waiting for a while to get a chance like this again so I would accept this new job.

Here is the advice I would give to you as some one who moved away from Dublin.
a) Don't stay with your parents to long - they might be glad to see you/have you at home but long term after living away for 20 years you need to live your own life.
Also you don't want to answer where are you going, what time will you be back at and the Irish mammy question - Did you met anyone last night?
b) Be prepared to get involved with a few clubs, groups, organisations to meet new people.
c) Try to build up a circle of friends to go out with and try not to relay on one person.
d) I would work hard in the new job but don't get into the habit of working long hours. You need to remember that work is part of life and not all of life.

I would still keep in contact with the friends you made in Dublin and go to see them an odd weekend. I would also say to you that if the job does not work out for you in Cork you can always move back to Dublin.

Good luck with the move.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your advice Lady...
I'd like to buy in Cork but I want to save as much as I can so hopefully staying with my folks for a while won't be too painful.
I've told them that I'll be paying weekly and to treat me like I'm a lodger.
If I can save a good amount, I'll feel happier as I am walking away from a good bonus from here (end of year).
I've lots of friends in Cork and definitely will continue to keep in touch with my Dublin friends (although they seem to be dwindling now as they have married and settled).
Once I can sell my house up here, I'll be delighted.
Its a huge deal but a risk I am willing to take. I've been driving myself nuts trying to think of all aspects but as a good friend pointed out, you are never going to be 100% happy.

hellyeah

Hi op
kinda in the same boat myself. 38 and single and selling my apartment which i bought 5 years ago(big mistake). going to rent a room off my brother, save for a bit and buy a house. Just go with your gut (which i am) and you will be fine.
At my stage in life, like yourself i feel like i should be here , achieved this etc.
but dont worry, everything happens for a reason and if you are thinking of moving ie house/ job etc well imo its time to move. Have not been wrong yet and im 38.
go for it .
good luck op.
j.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your response hellyeah.

I'm hearing feedback that the place I'm moving to are tough to work for. I'm in a great job here in Dublin and I love it but I am tired of living in Dublin.
I was in a stressful role before but I doubt this will be as bad.
My gut is telling me funny things. Its like if I was told I didn't get the job, I'd go ah wasn't meant to be.

Thing is not everything is going to be perfect. In the last couple of years, I've felt homesick and lonely in Dublin but I also wasn't making an effort either. I read a quote somewhere recently, where I go, there I am.
I know I have to cop on and start living my life. I'll feel that in Cork (I hope!)

irishguy1983

Help123456789 wrote: »

Thanks for your response hellyeah.

I'm hearing feedback that the place I'm moving to are tough to work for. I'm in a great job here in Dublin and I love it but I am tired of living in Dublin.
I was in a stressful role before but I doubt this will be as bad.
My gut is telling me funny things. Its like if I was told I didn't get the job, I'd go ah wasn't meant to be.

Thing is not everything is going to be perfect. In the last couple of years, I've felt homesick and lonely in Dublin but I also wasn't making an effort either. I read a quote somewhere recently, where I go, there I am.
I know I have to cop on and start living my life. I'll feel that in Cork (I hope!)

Imagine how I feel?! I am moving from cushy public sector to private sector and I know the place I am going too will be a lot tougher - I am just willing to take that chance.

I recognise your second paragraph so much - I am just so tired from Dublin recently and stopped making an effort 6 months ago. Obviously this only leads to me feeling worse but I am just too demotivated. I traveled across the world on me todjer for a year and never felt as lonely only 2 hours from home

LegacyUser

Go home!

You won't regret it!

who_ru

I envy you. I'd love to get out of Dublin and would in a heartbeat if the right opportunity came along. Been here since 08, single, 42. Rent here is disgracefully high. Sorry but imho, Dublin is overpriced and overrated.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Sorry for bumping this thread again but I am worrying myself stupid that I am making a huge mistake.
I've made some bad mistakes personally and financially over the years which is why I guess I'm moving back home. I can afford to live in Cork but not Dublin - however I'm terrified I'll f**k it up for myself.
All the advice so far is positive and I know no decision is 100% perfect but no matter how much I try to make peace with this, I have friggin dreams that throw me completely for a loop.

Is there something I am missing?

Thanks

macplato

Help123456789 wrote: »

Hi all,

Sorry for bumping this thread again but I am worrying myself stupid that I am making a huge mistake.
I've made some bad mistakes personally and financially over the years which is why I guess I'm moving back home. I can afford to live in Cork but not Dublin - however I'm terrified I'll f**k it up for myself.
All the advice so far is positive and I know no decision is 100% perfect but no matter how much I try to make peace with this, I have friggin dreams that throw me completely for a loop.

Is there something I am missing?

Thanks

OP, you are the only person who can judge whether you are making the right decision here or not. But here is what I think: the deal may look perfectly well and reasonable in all aspects - to you and to everyone else - but if your gut is telling you that it is not right for you, then I strongly believe you should follow that instinct. Especially that you already know what it's like to go against your intuition.

I have years and years of experience of going against my gut, in all areas of my life. I used to be a very logical, rational person. I had instincts about situations, decisions, but if what I felt didn't agree with what I thought - I would follow my head. Needless to say, I made a lot (a lot!) of bad choices in my life. Eventually, I created the kind of life for myself that when I looked at it, in my early thirties, I was totally bewildered! I was in a wrong job, in a wrong career altogether actually, wrong relationship, wrong town, surrounded by people I had nothing in common with. I created this life, because I ignored my instincts. In my gut I knew I shouldn't have taken that job, but it was such a great opportunity! I had loads of little anxieties about the relationship from the start, but he was such a great guy! And so on...

Eventually I couldn't stand feeling like I was living someone else's life and... well, I ended the relationship, quit my job, moved away from the town I hated, started exploring new hobbies, meeting new people - on one hand it was hard, but it was also kind of effortless...

So yeah, I've been making decisions based on my gut feeling for the last few years, and the quality of my life is totally different. I finally feel like I belong in my own life. The most recent situation when I followed my gut was 2 months ago. I went against medical advice of some 20 doctors in 3 different hospitals. They refused to do a less invasive version of a surgery I needed, because they claimed there was a 90% chance I would bleed to death on the operating table. But I knew, I so knew I was gonna be ok. In my heart the super invasive surgery they wanted to do was simply not an option for me. I just needed to find a surgeon who would give me a chance, who would take that risk.

The consultant who was in charge had me evaluated by a psychiatrist, because to him I was irrational and unreasonable - without the surgery there was a real chance I could die, too. Luckily the psychiatrist was an intuitive person, too, and she said that I was mentally fit to make that decision. Soon I found a surgeon who was willing to take that risk, and I'm now recovering from a very successful surgery. The bleeding that was supposed to kill me never happened.

You need to listed to your gut, OP - it is screaming to you. If there is still time, I suggest that you make a decision not to move, and live with it for 2-3 days. See how you feel. If it feels right, I'd say go with it. If it doesn't - look for another solution, but for goodness sake don't go against your gut, because it's not gonna end well.

ongarboy

Hey OP, with life I think there is no right or wrong choice, just experience. Whatever you choose to do will bring about some pros and some cons and you learn from both. If you introduce "what ifs" into your life, you will never be at peace. You do have to make a bed and lie in it (that doesn't mean you can't change the sheets or even the bed!!:))

I hear what the poster above me is saying about gut instinct but sometimes that can translate into being risk averse and staying in a comfort zone that brings you some comfort but preventing you from reaching your full potential of experiencing life, happiness and most importantly peace with yourself. Sometimes you need to challenge your instinct and dare it to prove you wrong. Even if it does, it's still a learning experience.

You've a big change ahead of you should you go with it but don't view it as "this is it". You can go to Cork and decide after a year that you don't like it and move back to Dublin or another county or another country. Doing so does not make you a failure. Perhaps if you had a partner and kids, the advice given would be different but you are independent for now so you are allowed to be more flexible. From what I'm reading, I think you should go to Cork and try it out for as long as it makes you happy but live with your decision and eliminate the "what ifs". When you stop being happy with that decision, start planning the next chapter of your life journey.

Addle

I just sent off a bank draft to pay for a course I'm going to start in Sept. I nearly threw up posting it, I'm so nervous about doing it. I have a real fear of failing and can't really afford it. But I did it, and I know it will be tough, but worth it in the long run.

I can't remember the saying exactly, but isn't it meant to be better to regret doing something than not doing it?
Maybe you're nervous OP, and confusing the feeling for worry.
Think of it as nervous excitement!
All the best.

Rubberchikken

What is the worst thing that can happen moving to Cork?
You'll have family/friends there. An opportunity for a fresh start.
I understand it cant be easy to make such a difficult decision but try to focus on the positive aspects of the move.
Good luck

Stavro Mueller

I think you should go ahead and give Cork a try. I suspect this is less of your gut screaming at you and more about the terror of leaving your comfort zone. If you're someone who finds change something of a challenge, doing something as drastic as this can be a little traumatic. Especially if you've got a job that you love.

The one big difference between you buying that house and moving to Cork is that you're not going to be tied down. Give Cork a year/18 months and see how it goes. If you decide that it's not for you, there's nothing to stop you returning to Dublin. Even if the move to Cork doesn't work out for you, it'll have clarified things for you.

stickybookmark

The reason you feel anxious is because this isn't one of these decisions where there's a clear right and wrong answer. This is one of these decisions where there are pros and cons to both options. If you stay you continue having the financial and emotional strain that you have been experiencing. If you go you risk not liking your job in Cork as much as the one you have in Dublin now. What you'd really like is the job you have now, except transplant it to Cork. That can't happen! I think for most people leaving Dublin they take a hit on the work front. Definitely in terms of salary anyway. That's the price you pay for living closer to family and friends and being able to afford a house.
Without knowing the particulars of your job, we can't possibly tell you what the right choice is. In order to make that choice we'd need to know what industry you work in, what your current role and salary is, how long it took you to work up to that level/to find that job, what the job in Cork is, what the difference is between the salary or the reponsibility level or the quality of work that you will be pursuing is. We also don't know what your chances of getting your old job in Dublin or a similar one would be should you decide after a year in Cork that you want to go back. It's those small details that will sway this decision so I think it's kind of hard for us to advise you.

irishguy1983

macplato wrote: »

OP, you are the only person who can judge whether you are making the right decision here or not. But here is what I think: the deal may look perfectly well and reasonable in all aspects - to you and to everyone else - but if your gut is telling you that it is not right for you, then I strongly believe you should follow that instinct. Especially that you already know what it's like to go against your intuition.

I have years and years of experience of going against my gut, in all areas of my life. I used to be a very logical, rational person. I had instincts about situations, decisions, but if what I felt didn't agree with what I thought - I would follow my head. Needless to say, I made a lot (a lot!) of bad choices in my life. Eventually, I created the kind of life for myself that when I looked at it, in my early thirties, I was totally bewildered! I was in a wrong job, in a wrong career altogether actually, wrong relationship, wrong town, surrounded by people I had nothing in common with. I created this life, because I ignored my instincts. In my gut I knew I shouldn't have taken that job, but it was such a great opportunity! I had loads of little anxieties about the relationship from the start, but he was such a great guy! And so on...

Eventually I couldn't stand feeling like I was living someone else's life and... well, I ended the relationship, quit my job, moved away from the town I hated, started exploring new hobbies, meeting new people - on one hand it was hard, but it was also kind of effortless...

So yeah, I've been making decisions based on my gut feeling for the last few years, and the quality of my life is totally different. I finally feel like I belong in my own life. The most recent situation when I followed my gut was 2 months ago. I went against medical advice of some 20 doctors in 3 different hospitals. They refused to do a less invasive version of a surgery I needed, because they claimed there was a 90% chance I would bleed to death on the operating table. But I knew, I so knew I was gonna be ok. In my heart the super invasive surgery they wanted to do was simply not an option for me. I just needed to find a surgeon who would give me a chance, who would take that risk.

The consultant who was in charge had me evaluated by a psychiatrist, because to him I was irrational and unreasonable - without the surgery there was a real chance I could die, too. Luckily the psychiatrist was an intuitive person, too, and she said that I was mentally fit to make that decision. Soon I found a surgeon who was willing to take that risk, and I'm now recovering from a very successful surgery. The bleeding that was supposed to kill me never happened.

You need to listed to your gut, OP - it is screaming to you. If there is still time, I suggest that you make a decision not to move, and live with it for 2-3 days. See how you feel. If it feels right, I'd say go with it. If it doesn't - look for another solution, but for goodness sake don't go against your gut, because it's not gonna end well.

Yes I'll add to this -sometimes you need to feel a decision rather all the analysis.

LegacyUser

Again, thanks to everyone who has responded.
In terms of salary, I'll be more or less on the same salary in Cork as I am in Dublin which I am really lucky to have.
Its just so hard to explain. I suppose if I was in a relationship and a nice home I'd stay but I'm lonely in Dublin. I've tried many things to make it easier but its cost me financially.
If the universe couldn't get more annoying, an ex has gotten in touch wanting to meet. This person broke my heart years ago and now that I am leaving, shows up.
Its all these elements that are just adding to the confusion and anxiety.
I think the best thing I can do for myself right now is just do it and I need to stop beating myself up. Moving home means I need to promise myself to proactively make my life better than it is right now. As right now I am just existing. I have been for the past year or so.