Getting up at night... the battle

blueb

Hello all

Hope everyone's enjoying the spell of good weather!

Id love to get some feedback from other parents. we have a 10 month old baby at home.. she often wakes at night.. not for a long period of time, she just needs a little comforting to get back to sleep.

My girlfriend does not work.. she will be returning to the workforce in the next 3 months.

Currently we take getting up at night in turns/. one of us takes up to 3 am and the other takes after 3 am, this has always been the way we do it. yesterday we had an argument because i didnt take the baby until 3:30 so she said... oh im having an extra half hour tomorrow night.

Initially i was fine but then i thought.. i get up at 6:30 every morning for work... saturdays included and my girlfriend sleeps the 2 - 3 hours a day that the baby naps...looks pretty unfair to me.

Id love to know from any stay at home moms or dads with working partners.. does your partner get up at night?

im trying to attach a poll to the post aswell

theLuggage

Not a stay at home mother but when I was on maternity leave I generally did the nights during the week and we'd share the weekend. As you say sleep can be got during the day but remember that that is not always the case. Usually when the baby is sleeping during the day that's when you get to eat or to do household stuff so you don't necessarily get any sleep. Also even if you can catch up on sleep during the day it never really is the same as uninterrupted sleep. Why not split up the nights altogether so at least one of you is getting a full night's sleep?

blueb

well cleaning the house and making dinner.. household stuff.. is another issue i wont get into at the moment. i end up doing that after work. but im just curious how other couples deal with the night

cyning

I do all the night wakings here: I have an almost two year old and 16 week old. The two year old isnt a greay sleeper. I do get to nap when they both nap in the middle if the day: on top of all the housework etc. But in saying that you both need to agree on what's going to work for ye: I know some people think I'm mental for doing all the nights,bedtimes etc but its what works for our family.

Don't underestimate how hard it is to be on your own all day either. It's really difficult. Also could ye work on reducing the night wakings?

blueb

i like to make it clear that i defiantly do not underestimate the work load on a stay at home mother.. my mother was a stay at home mom of 6 children and i have nothing but respect.
My job is also quite demanding as it takes me all over the country on any given day.

I wouldn't say your mental... id say fair play to ya!!

eviltwin

Splitting it down the middle like that is not always practical. We worked on the basis of who needed their sleep more, I only get about 5 hrs sleep a night anyway so I wasn't bothered getting up whereas himself needs a full nights sleep or he really struggles with it the next day so I was happy to do the bulk of them but on weekends he would take over and let me have one full night which I needed.

Its very easy to say a sahp to a baby is at home all day doing nothing so they can afford to clean up, get up at night etc but the day just runs away with you. I don't blame people for thinking its a easy life when they don't have any experience of a baby but its hard to find time - or energy - to do a whole lot. I found the day would be half over and I had nothing done.

Of course if she is just lazy then that is a different thing altogether but are you sure you are giving her credit op?

blueb

its defiantly not an easy job! and i know from spending days at home with baby that yes.. the day seems to escape you... but i dont have the choice of going for a siesta for a cuple of hours a day.. then she breaks my balls over half an hour sleep :P

I have told her many times if she wants a day or a few hours to herself i will pay for baby to go to creche 1 day a week, but she wont do it

eviltwin

blueb wrote: »

its defiantly not an easy job! and i know from spending days at home with baby that yes.. the day seems to escape you... but i dont have the choice of going for a siesta for a cuple of hours a day.. then she breaks my balls over half an hour sleep :P

I have told her many times if she wants a day or a few hours to herself i will pay for baby to go to creche 1 day a week, but she wont do it

You're going to have to work something out seeing as she will be going back to work soon and you be in the same position. Maybe do what theLuggage suggests and do alternate days? Re housework maybe see if you can stretch to a cleaner to come in a few days a week, it will make a huge difference.

blueb

i dont think a cleaner is needed for 2 adults and 1 child, id rather do it myself when i get home from work.. but thanks for suggestion

Neyite

When I was on maternity, I usually got up during the night, since I could nap during the day. On weekends then we would take a lie-in day each.

Now I'm back at work, we usually take turns - so one night I'll get up (however many times junior beckons) plus the morning shift, so the other gets a full night sleep plus gets to sleep in until the alarm goes off, usually an hour or so after the toddler wakes. Then we swap the following day. Weekends we take a day each to get up early.

Bringing it down to a half-hour owed is petty and stupid. What will you owe each other when the baby takes hours to settle because of an ear ache, or a bug or teething? You'd need a spreadsheet at that rate! I dont think the pre/post 3am is working for you both. Neither of you are getting proper sleeps and resentment is starting to creep in.

I'd also look into some sleep training that suits you for your baby. Though mine wasnt (and still isnt) a great sleeper in that regard and we tried different methods.

With regard to housework, we both get stuck in together when we get home for a while until the place is tidied and straightened up - usually an hour or so.

Chattastrophe!

Every family set-up is different and there is no right or wrong, it's all about whatever works for your own household. It seems that the system you have going isn't working right now for you at least, but you need to discuss this with your girlfriend, an internet poll won't give you any real answers!

I'm on maternity leave right now (I have just the one baby), and when I was pregnant I had this image of myself on maternity leave as a domestic goddess, perfect mother, perfectly clean house and a lovely hot homemade dinner on the table every day, etc. This did not happen. I had forgotten about the minor detail that I hate cleaning and laundry and housework - always have. I've spent a lot of the time feeding and looking after the baby while looking around at my messy house and piles of laundry, then I finally get a chance to do something about it and I just really dislike doing it and I'm also concerned that the baby isn't being entertained and stimulated enough. And everyone says to sleep when the baby sleeps, but it's not always that easy to just switch yourself off like that, and anyways there's always too much to be done!

The days are very long, and it's not like work where you're (hopefully) doing something you enjoy, and where you actually get a lunchbreak! I'm not saying I don't enjoy the time with my baby - I absolutely love that aspect of it - but it is quite isolating and lonely at times, and you do feel that a lot is expected of you when you're at home full-time, and it's hard to live up to those expectations.

It's much better now that our baby has been sleeping through the nights for quite a while now (he's almost six months.) If your girlfriend has had ten full months of broken sleep, I really, really feel for her. Those first couple of months of night feeds nearly killed me! There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture method.

And I know that you, too, have had ten months of broken sleep - but at least you get to leave the house and completely switch off from all things baby-related during the day. (I know, it's probably still in the back of your mind, but you're not living it all the time.) She doesn't get that escape.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but you know what I'd suggest? Give her one full week off night duty. You do all the night feeds for a week, even stay in the room with the baby so that your girlfriend does not wake at all and so that she can get a full week of unbroken sleep. It could do her the world of good and help her to "reset" her body clock.

Also I'd agree with what theLuggage suggested, about dividing the week up instead of both of you getting broken sleep every single night.

And if you can afford a cleaner, as eviltwin suggested, I wouldn't rule it out. It might take some of the pressure off her, and allow the three of you to spend more time together. You've implied she doesn't get much done around the house - sometimes there's so much to do and it's so overwhelming you just don't know where to start! If she had someone come in even a couple of hours once a week, it might help her get on top of things. I know you say you do it all in the evenings, but I can't imagine that makes her feel great about herself if she sees it as her "role". It might be a good idea, even as a temporary measure.

blueb

ah ya i know its only 30 minutes sleep.. its not the amount of sleep thats the issue with me.. i was just pissed off because i didnt expect her to be counting the minutes!! i told if she wants to count minutes we can count her daytime sleep and minus it from the night... i wouldnt do that ofcourse, nevertheless... didnt go down well!

blueb

it is her choice to stay in the house.. she does not want to get a job so its hard to have lot of sympathy for her when that's the choice she has made. I would defiantly not get a cleaner into the house. i would be happier to do it myself after work.

Just think of coming home after work.. 10 hour shift.. partner sleeping in bed.. house dirty.. no dinner.. no clean clothes
and having to do all that.

I know its a hard job.. but if i applied the same ethic to my job i wouldn't last a week!... harsh but true

ameee

We have a seven month old who sleeps through now but when she was still getting up we took turns each night that way we each got a few full nights sleep each week. Broken sleep isnt great so you should try it that way instead. Im a stay at home mother but this is our third child so day time naps were never an option but tbh babies nap time is usually your only chance to do some housework.

What your girlfriend said was petty but sleep deprivation can make people petty and narky. The worst thing you can do is start resenting each other you need to be a team especially when you become outnumbered by the children dont let them divide and conquer ;-)

blueb

Thanks all for your input

houbie

sounds lazy to me!

Eeden

Perhaps your girlfriend is feeling a little bit overwhelmed by it all? Maybe she's finding it very difficult to cope? She's been through a lot what with giving birth, hormones, etc. and her life has most likely changed beyond all recognition. With disrupted sleep every night on top of that, I think anyone would find things very difficult to deal with.

Flippyfloppy

I would venture a guess that your girlfriend doesn't have much time for housework during the day, given that she naps when baby is sleeping and when baby is awake is probably playing with them etc.

On your side, driving all over the country whilst sleep deprived isn't ideal either.

I echo what other posters say about sleep training. There is actually quite a good and reasonably priced sleep trainer that you can visit in the west Dublin area.

Aside from that, you can take all the daytime naps you want, they won't replace broken nights sleep. You're both obviously exhausted, the 3am thing; while sounding fair still ensures you both get a sleepless night every night.

Have a look on the net regarding your own sleep cycles & sleepless nights.

December2012

Theres a lot of things in your post which suggest resentment or frustration towards your girlfriend. Maybe it's mutual? And it's highly likely that this is because you're both tired.

If you can afford the cleaner - get the cleaner! Everybody needs a bit of help - don't let your pride make your life more difficult!

Do batch cooking once or twice a week so your girlfriend does not have the pressure of making dinner over her.

Is she getting any post natal exercise? This would help her.

When you're both getting more rest and using your bodies properly then you should discuss a suitable way to arrange the sleeping. It's up to both of you to be honest.

Moonbeam

I don't think that it is fair to expect to share the getting up when one person has to be up the next day and the other does not.There is no option to sleep when baby sleeps if you are out at work.

highly1111

I'm a SAHM with 3 and if what the OP is saying is true regarding the house, laundry and dinners then I think he has a right to be annoyed. I don't get to sleep during the day now with 3 but I did with 1 so don't resent her that - however, I can't imagine how she doesn't have time for other household chores during the day. Esp because at 10 months I'd imagine the baby is having 2 naps.

To be honest, I agree with the others - breaking up the night doesn't work. Do night on, night off as a basic starting point.

It's all about getting routine and definitely take turns at the weekend. Myself and my husband would often stay in bed till 11 when its our turn for a lie in!!

Finally, address the waking - at 10 months the baby should be sleeping through so its important to look at the cause of the problem - not just the solutions.

Chocolate fiend

Are you sure she doesn't have PND?

AlanS181824

I'm 17, it's 3am and I'm reading a parenting thread...

Ugh, definitely time to sleep!

theLuggage

blueb wrote: »

i dont think a cleaner is needed for 2 adults and 1 child, id rather do it myself when i get home from work.. but thanks for suggestion

I thought the exact same until I realised that a lot of rows were about who was doing what or not doing what! A cleaner took that pressure of for a while and gave time to do other things, especially with each other or the kids.

Having said that each to their own!

theLuggage

Chocolate fiend has a good point, just keep on an eye on your partner for postnatal depression. Not wanting to do anything can be a symptom. Not working, not cleaning, not going anywhere, etc. Does she go out with the baby or stay in all day? If she doesn't go anywhere and interact with other people to be honest I'd be a little concerned. Anger can be a symptom also and insomnia.

Not saying she has postnatal depression but something to think/talk about and bear in mind maybe.

Roesy

Hey,
Sounds like the situation as is is coming to a head. Would it be possible for ye to get someone to mind the baby for a night and let ye get away to have some time together as a couple and both have an uninterrupted night sleep. I know one night isn't the answer to the problem but maybe ye'd be able to talk about it more rationally. We have 7 month old baby who now sleeps well so our situation is a bit different to yours. My husband puts her to bed most nights between 7 and 8 and any wakings before 11.30 during the week are dealt with by him. After that I get up because he leaves for work at 7.30. At the weekend we take a night each. We also have one morning lie in each. Now if one of us is sick or has something on the other will get up. She's good at night but she's pretty hands on during the day. She's got reflux and has teeth coming in thick and fast, she also only takes 2-3 30-40 minute naps so sleeping when she does isn't really an option. I keep the house tidy and keep on top of the laundry during the week and at the weekend the pair of us will do a deep clean, takes us maybe an hour and a half with both of digging in. When he comes home in the evening I'll usually have the prep done for the dinner and he'll finish it or take over with the baby if I've had a rough day with her and need the head space. Also, once every week or ten days he'll organise for his parents to take her for an afternoon so that I can have a few hours to myself. I'll be returning to work in a few weeks but I'm already looking into getting a cleaner to do 3 hours once a week to take the deep clean off our hands when I do. My time with the baby will be much more limited at that stage so I'd rather we spent the time with her.

emmabrighton

Hi I went back to work at 6 months and I co sleep with my little boy. My partner sleeps in the spare room - which my family have this crazy issue with, but thats another thread - and he is a stay at home dad. Anyway I do all the night feeds etc because at 6 months, I was still expressing and it just made more sense for just one parent to get up instead of two. It was definitely hard work at the 6 month mark because I was starting a new job, Maxes sleeping patterns changed and he seemed to constantly have a cold that lasted 2 months and even if he didnt wake, he was having nightmares brought on by fevers and would cry in his sleep.

Looking back, I think it was stupid of me not to hand the feeding over to his daddy while I pumped and went back to sleep. I was a wreck for the first three months in my job. However, I would not give over the precious time, all be it in the middle of the night, that I got with him. Like others have said, you need to work out what is best for the two of you.

It sounds like what worked for me isn't working for you.

So I think you have to go back to the drawing board.

nikpmup

I do the night wakings - purely because my other half could sleep through ANYTHING! To be fair, he's always telling me to wake him up and he'll deal with the baby, but he genuinely doesn't hear him wake. I find it's quicker and easier to just get up, quickly settle the baby and jump back into bed, if I woke my OH up he'd get up but by that stage I'm already awake and I just can't sleep through the baby crying. Occasionally if I'm spectacularly tired I'll give him a shove though!

Housework and weekends are another thing now I'm back to work. I do long shifts and my partner is doing a demanding course that requires a lot of evening study/assignment work. At the moment we're just about managing to wash clothes and stay reasonably hygenic! I'm just too tired for anything else! Once he's finished the course he'll be more able to do a bit in the evenings. I work every second weekend so we have very little time off together as a family, I'd rather spend it doing something fun than cleaning. It means the house is a pigsty at times but it's not forever.

To answer some of the points in your OP - the tiredness is obviously making you both ratty and resentful, and that isn't going to lead to anything good. I would suggest getting a babysitter for a day or overnight if you can, have a good nights sleep and THEN discuss sleep options - do it when you are both refreshed so it won't turn into a row. It might be a case of trial and error to find what works for you as a family. Try and find out as well if there is an underlying cause for her lack of housework/dinner - it might be that the baby just doesn't give her a minute to get things done, it could be that being stuck at home all day (even by choice) is making her feel lethargic or disinterested, or maybe she has a touch of the baby blues? If you find out the reason you can (both) work on a solution. (FWIW - my other half would sometimes come home when I was on mat leave and raise an eyebrow at the state of the house/me - he never said anything but I could tell he was thinking it. That was, until he started to mind him all day when I went back to work... he doesn't raise an eyebrow any more!)

pwurple

I'm on mat leave, i do any middle of the night wakings from 1am to about 6am, he does the others... Ie any early mornings before work. At weekends, he does the nights.

It drives me completely nuts when I am dragging myself out of bed to look after a baby at 1am, and he is up watching world cup. He's awake anyway!

Aside from rant, sleep deprivation drives you nuts. It makes you ratty, mean, inconsiderate, forgettful and a million other horrible things.

At ten months, the baby shouldn't really be waking too often at night. If it"'s every hour all night long, then something is up.

If I came home to find my partner fast asleep with a messy house, no food, and no hiusework done... I'd assume they had a really really horrible day. I'd order a nice healthy takeaway and either organise a cleaner or do it myself, quietly... Leaving them sleep.


My mum always tells me my dad did every single night feed for the five of us as babies. So that she would be in top form after a good sleep to look after children during the day while he went to work.

Chattastrophe!

What your dad did makes absolute perfect sense pwurple, he sounds like a great man! Taking care of our children is the most important job any of us will ever do, it's good to recognise that.

harr

I am a stay at home dad and we have 2 kids,we always took it night on night off at least then you get a full nights sleep every second night plus we take one weekend morning each where one of use gets a lie in and the other takes the kids out for a few hours so we get a good lie in.
It works for us. I was working when I wife was on maternity leave and even then we took it night on night off.
My wife went back to work after 3 months and I then lost my job so we decided I would be the one who would stay at home. I never got a chance to sleep in the day time and yes some days I would be very tired, but I made sure all the house work was done and my wife did not have to come home to any house work and that dinner was done.
I would agree with the poster who suggested getting a babysitter and maybe you could get a night away and talk about things , when both of you are tired it just going to end in a huge row.
Hope you get things sorted.

Couchkitten

On leave I did all the nights except when she was teething very badly and then I needed help. If your baby is waking up every hour or something then it is probably not viable for one person to do the nights. Since I have gone back to work we used to "split the night" like your doing now. Which resulted in lots of arguments about who did more - just like the one you've had. Now we do one night on, one night off and I feel alot better for it.

I did general tidying and made dinner when I was off. OH did all the proper cleaning on a Sunday morning. Now he'd probably tell you a different story as he often got home and seemed to think I was doing nothing all day.

Basically lack of sleep = unreasonable rows with your partner.

c07

What we did when I was on maternity leave with our crew was...
Hubby would take the night until midnight and I'd go to bed early.. say 9/10pm. so, by the time they'd need attention again I'd have a few hours sleep and he got to sleep from midnight to approx 7am.
then on weekends share the load equally. maybe something like that could work for ye?
to take your post at face value it does seem unfair on you imho.

Suucee

With no 1. I done what another poster said went to bed early and OH sorted her until he went to bed at 12. I done the night time and he got up at 7. I got to nap when she napped but still done housework,laundry and dinner and made sure i got out every day for a little walk if i could. My daughter was a great sleeper though so no major issues unless teething or unwell. When i went back to work we took it in turms but it was rare she would wake.

Now with no 2 we take it in turns eventhough im still on mat leave. I dont get a nap during the day anymore now. When he was still having night feeds i went to bed early done middle of the night and OH got up early . He has stopped night feeds but wakes every night at 5. OH gets up to him first to give soother

Suucee

With no 1. I done what another poster said went to bed early and OH sorted her until he went to bed at 12. I done the night time and he got up at 7. I got to nap when she napped but still done housework,laundry and dinner and made sure i got out every day for a little walk if i could. My daughter was a great sleeper though so no major issues unless teething or unwell. When i went back to work we took it in turms but it was rare she would wake.

Now with no 2 we take it in turns eventhough im still on mat leave. I dont get a nap during the day anymore now. When he was still having night feeds i went to bed early done middle of the night and OH got up early . He has stopped night feeds but wakes every night at 5. OH gets up to him first to give soother (he falls back asleep quick wher as if i got up i would take ages to fall back asleep). If he wakes a second time i go in. But normally third time he wakes we bring him in to the bed. .

I have a 2 year old and 3 month old. I batch cook for 2 days every second day. I keep on top of the laundry and still make sure i get out every day. When OH gets home at 6pm. We eat. Then he brings them both up for bath . Toddler watches cartoons while he feeds baba then he reads them a story and both in bed by 7.30. While he is doing that i tidy up after eating. Clean away toys, hoover/mop, sort bottles, take clothes out for the next day . By 7.30 we can both sit down with nothing to do.