Bicurious or Mid Life Crisis?

MarySelfridge

I have occassionally found that I have had feelings for women in the same way that I usually would for men, always. Not as often but I'm beginning to wonder if that's social conditioning (for me specifically).

I am interested in exploring this side of myself, I have kissed a few friends and gone a little further (so far so normal, I know, most girls I know have had a drunken girl snog) but what's really making me wonder is that I've had serious feelings for other women, not just sexual.

I use the term mid life crisis as I'm in my late 30s. I've always been part of an open and alternative scene and I know a lot of women who, at this age have suddenly declared themselves to be gay.

All thoughts appreciated! Just for the record, I'm not confused in any way, I think it's fine to be attracted, emotionally and sexually to both men and women, I'm in a relationship with a man who is open and happy for me to talk about my feelings.

My only problem is that bisexuality and bicuriousness (!) seems to be sniffed at by the gay community.

Ambersky

Youve had serious feelings for other women not just sexual which are making you wonder. You wonder is this a mid life crisis and a lot of your women friends who have also been experimenting with same sex exploration, if among other things thats what you mean by an alternative crowd, are now saying they are gay.

Your in a relationship with a man who is happy for you to talk about your feelings and you think your only problem is the gay community sniffing at bisexuality or bi curiousness.

Do you not think there might be a potential problem with the boyfriend if it goes beyond talking about your feelings and you continue to have both serious sexual and emotional feelings for another woman. Have you or he considered that these feelings could if they involve falling in love with another woman leave him out time wise and emotionally maybe even leading to a break up.
Dont you think that maybe there has been precedent for this with the suddenness of your friends saying thay are gay. I dont think its been all that sudden with your friends, its probably been happening over a period of time and thats what a lot of the exploration was about. They have explored and now they have clarified a few things. Lots of women come out in their 30s 40s 50s and older as bi or gay. Some come out as bi first and then decide no they actually prefer women, some continue to be bi but decide to stay with a particular person.

I think the sniffing happens when people present as being just (bi) curious about you, maybe wanting no strings sex without any emotional involvement and saying they are keeping that involvement for another person. Some people can feel that that is using other people as curiosities to be experimented with and left back when your finished with them. Not everyone feels like that and not everyone treats people like that but some do.

MarySelfridge

"I think the sniffing happens when people present as being just (bi) curious about you, maybe wanting no strings sex without any emotional involvement and saying they are keeping that involvement for another person. Some people can feel that that is using other people as curiosities to be experimented with and left back when your finished with them. Not everyone feels like that and not everyone treats people like that but some do."

Yes, I can see that, honesty is important, just because one is curious about something doesn't mean it's okay to crap all over people's feelings!

I am aware of the potential for a difficult situation to arise but I don't think I'm gay, I think I'm bi and can't see myself leaving him for anyone else male or female. I guess that's where the 'curious' part comes in

Ambersky

OP youve asked if you are bicurious or mid life crisis in the thread title how could we possibly know if you are having a mid life crisis. Why would you think a mid life crisis is related to being attracted to women?

You are in a committed relationship with a man and you are attracted to women, whats the question?

Maryselfridge said
My only problem is that bisexuality and bicuriousness (!) seems to be sniffed at by the gay community

My opinion only and just guessing here at what you are asking.

There are all kinds of scenes, Im sure you know if you went into most straight social groups and said you were in a committed relationship with a man but you were curious about having sex with some of the other men there, unless they were swingers or part of some other kind of an alternative scene, some of them would do some sniffing too especially the women accompanying some of the men there.
The gay community is at least as complex and diverse as the heterosexual community. Im sure there are whole groups of women already in relationships with men who meet up with one another and are happy with that, being in the same situation as each other. Maybe those groups are not as organised as gay womens groups and maybe they dont have to be.

You also need to appreciate that lesbians or gay women are often subjected to unwelcome male attention that refuses to take womens relationships with one another seriously and treats them like entertainment. Gay women are use to the line "my boyfriend wont mind" coming from women who want to entertain themselves and their boyfriend. The objection arises not always as a reaction against non monogamy but from the feeling of not being taken seriously, being treated as entertainment and as a side dish to the real thing which is the heterosexual relationship.
By the way you do realise bisexuality does not mean having to have sex with people of both genders or that you cant be faithful to one person.
To arrive on the gay scene in the first place usually takes some courage and the woman has often been through quite a bit emotionally and relationship wise by that time, even if it was only to find out it was with the wrong gender. So some women you meet on the gay scene who are looking for relationships with women, are looking for someone available and they would probably sniff at anything less. They dont want to be dealing with all that baggage and a man in the background waiting to hear the details and/or be the one who's taken seriously.

Having said all that there certainly are women who do want one night stands, are interested in non monogamy or non committed relationships. I think you would have better luck finding them in personal ads etc. It can be difficult trying to figure out who they might be other than in those situations.

MarySelfridge

Unfortunately you seem to have taken my post as if I were using it as a personal ad (I wasn't). My intent was obviously never to cause any offence but it seems one can't mention being bi or possibly bi without someone presuming that you are going to mess women around or that your boyfriend is waiting in the wings rubbing his knees in anticipation of the juicy stories and that is precisely my problem!
Bi women don't get taken seriously because these things are presumed, can't someone explore their sexuality honestly and openly without being accused of various things?
I would never walk into a group of people and suggest that I want to have sex with men or women who were in a commited relationship nor did I suggest that on any level.
I used the term mid-life crisis because, like I said, I know a few women who got to my age and suddenly announced that they were gay and have since dated both men and women so are in fact bi.
Questioning my understanding of bisexuality was uncalled for.
I was interested in the opinions of others, I'm interested in your opinion but it does seem to have taken the form of the exact kind of sniffy attack that makes me really wary of approaching the gay scene as a bisexual (or possible) and that is regardless of my current relationship status,

J_E

Unfortunately it is the many who misuse the term bi that cause genuinely bisexual people to be stereotyped and mocked, particularly guys who say they're bi when they're pretty much gay, but are scared of fallout; it allows an easy swing back into the closet when it suits.

You're fortunate that your man seems to be able to talk about it with you in an open minded sense. If you enjoyed experiences with girls, it's not just social conditioning, it's just another facet of your sexuality. It's up to you whether you want to explore that (negotiate with your man) or stay put as you are. Do what suits you best and don't panic too much about having to conform into a specific label of sexuality.

Ambersky

My intention wasnt to cause offence either Maryselfridge I was actually trying to be helpful. I took it that you werent having a problem with the label bisexual for yourself and seemed happily self identified. Cydoniac I thought the women friends in the OPs story were misuing the term "Gay" not the term "bi"

MarySelfridge said
suddenly announced that they were gay and have since dated both men and women so are in fact bi.

Your first post stated that your only problem was the sniffyness of the gay community that seemed like a lot to put on the the gay community at the outset without any effort to understand either what contribution you might be making to this reaction or where this reaction might come from in others.

It is because I have no idea what your idea is of bisexuality and because I am not making any presumptions about your previous knowledge or experience, that I said "You you do realise bisexuality does not mean having to have sex with people of both genders or that you cant be faithful to one person". This is a statement often repeated by bisexuals here on this forum and by their gay partners to dispel some of the myths about bisexuality. I wasnt saying you have to be monogamous either or that there arent people of all orientations who are interested in non monogamy or open relationships.

Your op seemed to be asking a very general question. My replies were also very general, not about you, but explaining mainly why some gay women have negative reactions to women who are curious about their sexuality and want to explore sex with women while already being in a committed relationship with a man.

it seems one can't mention being bi or possibly bi without someone presuming that you are going to mess women around or that your boyfriend is waiting in the wings rubbing his knees in anticipation of the juicy stories and that is precisely my problem!

In fairness the reactions might not just be to you being bisexual but to you also being in a commited relationship, there is in fact a man at home waiting that likes to listen to you about your feelings. Good for you and Im sure some women wouldnt mind that at all but Im trying to explain to you why some women might not be into it. You say the negative reaction of some women to this situation is your problem ( they sniff at it ) and you dont seem to understand or appreciate why that might be.
I didnt say all women would react negatively Im explaining why some might and I didnt say how you would handle things.

I hoped my explanations would help you understand where others are coming from. It would then be up to you to
use this information to dispel those fears if you came across them in others you wanted to relate to,
ignore those fears as they arent about you,
or use the information to confirm your already stated beliefs that the gay community's sniffyness is your only problem.

On the mid life crisis I still dont understand how you could equate some women you know saying they are gay and still having sex with men with you having a mid life crisis.

MarySelfridge

I think I used the term mid life crisis flippantly which I now realise was not appropriate, I appreciate all input

baby and crumble

The lgbt community is not always a welcoming place for bisexuals, it has to be acknowledged. Personally I don't give a hoot, if I'm attracted to someone that's all I care about, but (and this is a big but) I wouldn't touch a person I know is involved with anyone. Even if they are all good in their relationship, and there's no drama on that score. I just am not comfortable with non monogamy when it comes to my own relationships. So that may be what you are experiencing when you say you are "sniffed at".

MarySelfridge

I haven't really experienced it directed st me as I haven't told many people, it's just something that I have observed during discussions on the topic.
I wouldn't go near someone else partner either to be honest which makes my situation a little double standardy I guess

Ambersky

Look to be honest if Angelina Jolie said Brad really wouldnt mind, for just one night, as she just had to get her desire for me out of her system, I might have some difficulty with my better judgement. So thats a bit double standard too.
But thats a fantasy and reality can be a little messier than our intentions or imaginings or wishes. My responses are coming from my own experiences, I have had relationships with bisexual women and my reasoning now may sound a bit longwinded or complicated but thats how it was, complicated.
I would still go out with a bisexual woman its just that now I know some of the issues that would have to be understood and sorted out first.

Morag

It's buzzfeed but I found myself nodding in agreement and shared experience a lot.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyford/32-bisexual-women-discuss-their-longterm-relationships-with

RagsOBrien

Morag wrote: »

It's buzzfeed but I found myself nodding in agreement and shared experience a lot.


Morag, I think bisexuality is still not accepted by society in the way that homoseuxality and heterosexuality is, sadly. Bisexuals in opposite sex relationships are presumed straight and those in same-sex relationships are presumed to be gay.

The view that sexual orientation can only be dichotomous is still the one most commonly held. Although the widening of the definition of Queer to LGBT or indeed LGBTQ (I think this may more prevalent in the USA), does represent progress from a political point of view for bisexuals and the Queer community- terminology and labels in the community seem to be important for identification purposes.

This makes sense in terms of acheiving equality objectives and acquiring recognition legally. However, labels for people are not without their problems, particularly when there are certain stereotypes and misconceptions attached with certain labels.

MarriedButBi

RagsOBrien wrote: »

Morag, I think bisexuality is still not accepted by society in the way that homoseuxality and heterosexuality is, sadly.

I'm not sure this is the case, or how you would make the case for it? When you are in a relationship, that pretty much defines your "current" sexuality. How exactly is society not accepting bisexuality, if it accepts homoseuxality and heterosexuality?

It's kind of irrelevant/nobodys business if you are in a relationshiop and also happen to be attracted to the gender opposite to that of your current partner. Assuming it is a monogamous relationship, of course.

RagsOBrien wrote: »

Bisexuals in opposite sex relationships are presumed straight and those in same-sex relationships are presumed to be gay.

Isn't that pretty obvious, "normal", and expected? I'm not sure how else it could work. Or how it manifests or is at all relevant, even if its the case and should not be.

Besides, your own sexuality is your own business. If someone makes assumptions about it based on anything, even something as concrete as the gender of your partner, so what? If someone makes assumptions like these, to suggest they are somehow not as accepting of a particular sexual orientation is a point that is hard to grasp.

Or maybe I am missing the point altogether...it would not be the first time.