Girlfriend Issues

LegacyUser

This might seem like a very trivial issue however its really starting to grate on me.

I've been with my gfriend for over 2 years now, we love each other very much.

My gfriend is very naturally pretty, a very attractive girl. However she insists on wearing make up thats very unflattering and basically caked onto her face. I'm talking first thing in the morning no matter where we are even if we don't plan on leaving the house.

I've even gently broached the subject hinting shes naturally gorgeous and she doesn't need alot of make up like some girls etc.... but she genuinely enjoys wearing it she actually cannot live without it. We are not wealthy, she has her money worries but thinks absolutely nothing of shelling out obscene amounts monthly on make up from top of the range stores and to be honest it looks absolutely awful.

My own sister (who loves her too and is very placid) even asked me to gently raise it with her as my sis thinks its a crazy amount of make up to be wearing. She can take up to 2 hours to get ready in order for her day to begin and its really not necessary as she looks fantastic without it. Her mood is affected for the day if its not done in minute detail by her.

We went on a sun holiday last year and it was a bit of a nightmare at times, no swimming, no sitting in the sun for fear of make up being ruined. Waiting in a hotel room for god knows how long until she decides to surface from the bathroom with her face on.

Even more embarrassing when you are visiting friends/family ans staying over and she hogs the only bathroom in the house for well over an hour at a time when she knows someone may need to use it. Then she will appear completely overdone for simply an afternoon of hanging out on the sofa with mates. Its ridiculous and saying anymore is hurting her feelings.

I know this sounds so trivial, but my god its really starting to annoy the hell out of me. I know some guys fret about their gfriends not being glam or wearing make up but this is the polar opposite. A trip to the local shop involves huge logistical planning in terms of preparation and im fed up of it and dont know how to approach it. Shes not a teenager either this is a woman in her early 30s.

beks101

Yikes. She sounds like she has serious self esteem issues. I think I'd rather shoot myself than spend two hours a day perfecting my slap, not to mention the affects that that sort of heavy-duty coverage will have on her skin in the long-run.

To be honest, I'd just flat-out say it to her without dressing it down (pardon pun.) Your investment of time and energy into putting your makeup on is unreasonable and curtailing what we can do and where we can go as a couple. I'm beginning to dread being around you because you prioritize putting on your warpaint over spending any quality time with me. Your behaviour is affecting our relationship negatively. Give her all the examples - sitting in the hotel room for hours on end, having to avoid the sunshine when you were on holidays, hogging the bathroom in your friend's place when you're a house guest. Glamming up like she's heading out to a night club for a night on the sofa.

It'll be a tough one to broach without it coming across like a personal attack, and since you're male it'll be easy for her to pull the "it's a girl thing" card (it's not at all) so maybe your sister could have a word with her woman-to-woman? Honestly if it was me, I'd tell her 20 minutes should do the job unless it's a serious event and would probably take her along to a makeup counter for a quick lesson in mimimum-time-maximum-impact application with a reputable makeup artist.

Aside from all that, it sounds like there are psychological issues at play and it may be the case that you'll either have to learn to accept this or move on if your gf isn't prepared to change.

fussyonion

Did you ever stop to think your girlfriend might have insecurities when it comes to her face?

Even if you think she's naturally gorgeous, maybe wearing makeup makes her feel more confident.
You ask any woman if makeup makes them feel confident and they'll tell you it does.

So your girlfriend wears more than the average woman, but maybe she's comfortable looking this way.

I think you should let her do what she wants with her own face, her own money and her own makeup-she's not harming anyone.

Would you rather she was going to all that effort for someone else's benefit?
Would you tell her she was overweight if she was?
I don't see the problem here.

Czarcasm

OP I can understand where you're coming from and all, but jesus, the way you talk about your girlfriend as though you're embarrassed by her, the way you have to get your sister involved, the way you blame her for spending so much money on make-up... I mean, you DO love her, right?

Well part of that is not that your girlfriend needs to learn to accept herself for who she is, it's that YOU need to accept your girlfriend for who she is, and trust me, you can't, and you shouldn't try to change her. You've already said that she feels miserable if her face isn't on right, so what you need to do is learn to accept that that's part of who she is, and if you can't deal with that, then it's like any other deal-breaker in a relationship - you don't like something about your girlfriend, the issue is your own, and not your girlfriends.

I'm sorry but spending 2 hours at a minimum and refusing to participate in normal holiday activities out of fear is not normal "girly girl" behaviour that OP needs to suck up.

A trip to the local shop involves huge logistical planning in terms of preparation

This is absolutely not normal imo, this is someone afraid to leave the house.
She sounds like she has insecurity issues. I don't know that the OP could help or anything if it really is a psych thing but the first thing to do either way is to stop trying to drop hints and have a frank discussion about it with her.
If it doesn't go anywhere and she disagrees with you completely then you will have to make a choice on whether it's a deal breaker or not.

December2012

There is nothing wring with asking her to be ready on time, or ask her to not hog the bathroom. Both of those things are rude.

If she's not ready, then tell her that it's not fair of her to demand you wait. If she does not demand you wait, then you go.

But if she wants to get herself up at 5.30 and spend an hour in the bathroom there's nothing wrong with that.

LegacyUser

Maybe you could buy her a make up demonstration or something. So she can go to a professional and be shown how to do lighter, more natural (and hopefully faster) way of doing her make up. Then when she comes home from it stress how lovely she looks with more natural make up.

As per previous posts she seems to have big self esteem issues so I don't think you'll ever get her to stop using it completely but it sounds like she does need to curb her dependence on it

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

I'm sorry but spending 2 hours at a minimum

The OP said she can take 'up to 2 hours' not that she takes a minimum of 2 hours every time.

OP I'm female and I don't own a single iota of make-up but have plenty of friends who can't leave the house 'without their face on'...their choice, as long as they don't expect me to start wearing it I let them off but if we're going somewhere I tell them they need to be ready at x time or I'll be gone.

Some can read the need for make-up as insecurity and others can read it as just habit. If she wants to spend her money on make-up that's her choice as long as she's not asking others to cover her bills etc so she can afford her make-up I see no harm in her choosing to spend her money on it. With regards taking up bathrooms and delaying people just don't entertain her. Tell her she has x amount of time in the bathroom and make her get out when the time is up and tell her when your going somewhere and if she's not ready go without her. She'll either miss out or hurry up.

With regard to the heavy handedness of the make-up if you think it's a case that she doesn't know how then consider getting her a gift of a spa weekend or something that does make-up lessons. Since your sister is involved ask her if she'd go along and take part as well so it doesn't feel like your attacking her.

Mousewar

bluewolf wrote: »

the first thing to do either way is to stop trying to drop hints and have a frank discussion about it with her.

Nail on the head.
A frank discussion - the first step to solving nearly every problem and so much better than years of pointless hint dropping.

sadie9

this sounds more than just make up. Like a lot of issues for people, they start out small then become bigger and even become 'the rule I must live by in order to feel safe'.
The make-up has become a safety habit. Your girlfriend needs compassion and understanding, not more criticism of her behaviour. She is obviously critical of herself and the make up helps her manage those feelings.
You could say something like this in your own words.. "I know you like doing the make up and having the makeup on, and sometimes I notice that maybe it is starting to interfere with your enjoyment of life...that it gets in the way of you enjoying yourself and feeling free. Do you struggle with feelings about what people will think of you before we go out?"
A lot of people rely on some habits to keep themselves safe. Hers is just the make-up thing. Some one else might like certain types of shoes, brushing their hair a certain way, biting their nails, sleeping with the hall light on, whatever. Mostly these habits/strategies can be harmless and not interfere with life.
If they interfere with her life that is a problem. I would imagine she has some social anxiety (as we all do) and putting more make-up on helps to get away from the bad feelings. The thing about avoiding feelings is, the more we do it, the more the feelings grow. Agrophobia or a fear of going out can start like this. People spend ages and ages getting ready because they are actually afraid to leave the house because of the worries of what people may think of them.
If you approach it with genuine concern, support and understanding you will be a help to her. More criticism won't help.

Czarcasm

sadie9 wrote: »

this sounds more than just make up. Like a lot of issues for people, they start out small then become bigger and even become 'the rule I must live by in order to feel safe'.
The make-up has become a safety habit. Your girlfriend needs compassion and understanding, not more criticism of her behaviour. She is obviously critical of herself and the make up helps her manage those feelings.
You could say something like this in your own words.. "I know you like doing the make up and having the makeup on, and sometimes I notice that maybe it is starting to interfere with your enjoyment of life...that it gets in the way of you enjoying yourself and feeling free. Do you struggle with feelings about what people will think of you before we go out?"

Whoa, sadie! I think some posters here are analysing the OP's girlfriend waaaay too much, and projecting their own standards upon her. That's no better than what the OP himself is doing. The OP's girlfriend IS enjoying her life, it's the OP is struggling with HIS feelings about what other people think of his girlfriend.

A lot of people rely on some habits to keep themselves safe. Hers is just the make-up thing. Some one else might like certain types of shoes, brushing their hair a certain way, biting their nails, sleeping with the hall light on, whatever. Mostly these habits/strategies can be harmless and not interfere with life.
If they interfere with her life that is a problem. I would imagine she has some social anxiety (as we all do) and putting more make-up on helps to get away from the bad feelings. The thing about avoiding feelings is, the more we do it, the more the feelings grow.

Sadie we don't all suffer from social anxiety, and putting on make-up and even spending two hours putting on make-up is nothing more than an indication that the OP's girlfriend likes to put on make-up, more likely because she feels she looks better with make-up on, and this makes her happy. I can understand it doesn't make the OP very happy when she takes over the bathroom or spends their money on make-up (I'm assuming the OP and his girlfriend pool their financial resources, otherwise what his girlfriend chooses to spend her money on is quite frankly none of his beeswax!), but THOSE are the issues that need tackling, not the surface issue that is his girlfriend's appearance.

Jesus if I said I was embarrassed by my wife looking like she was shot with Homer Simpsons make-up gun, I'D be shot, and we had a thread on it here quite recently where the OP was roasted for the insensitive way in which he handled his girlfriend and her wearing make-up. In that case too the OP was embarrassed by his girlfriend's appearance, but the OP was told unanimously almost that they were in the wrong.

Agrophobia or a fear of going out can start like this. People spend ages and ages getting ready because they are actually afraid to leave the house because of the worries of what people may think of them.
If you approach it with genuine concern, support and understanding you will be a help to her. More criticism won't help.

Again, it's the OP is afraid to take his girlfriend anywhere, and is embarrassed by her in his company when his friends come over. To me that reads like the OP is a more likely candidate for agoraphobia by-proxy - his issue, but he's projecting his issues onto his girlfriend's behaviour.

His girlfriend prioritizes her wearing make-up over going swimming or whatever else with the OP, and that is her choice, and she's happy with that choice. It's the OP who isn't happy with her choices, and that's why it is up to the OP IMO to either accept his girlfriend for who she is and what she does, or else consider if his girlfriend's choices cramping his lifestyle are a deal-breaker for him. This is a woman in her 30's who was presumably wearing make-up long before the OP met her, so I cannot honestly see anything to be gained from the OP trying to change who she is and what she does to suit his standards.


I do agree with you though that more criticism certainly won't help.

_Whimsical_

I was good friends with a girl like this. At first when I got to know her in college I was unaware of the painful level of maintenance associated with her seemingly natural look. As I got to know her and would go her house I realised how it dominated her life and how it was also going to dominate mine as her friend. I was friends with her neighbour who I'd often meet on the way to her house who'd ask us to come in and watch a dvd or have a drink. Any unexpected outing, even to next door where it was just girls would throw her into a tail spin and it would take her around 2 hours to get her face ready. If she stayed over in my house no matter what time she went to bed at her alarm was blaring at 6 so she'd get into the bathroom for 2-3 hours so no one would see her first thing without maleup. Even if that meant people leaving the house in the morning without using the bathroom.

It turned out to be the thin end of a wedge of serious psychological issues from bulima to staying in the house for days on end if she had a spot even if she was scheduled to work.

I think it's one of those things where you should have a frank chat with her and reassure her she's beautiful but explain how frustrating the delays are for you. To her it's probably a mask, a layer of protection between her and the world that cushions her from exposure and rejection of her real self. Saying nothing at all could put serious strain on relationship but might also be enabling a behaviour that'll become increasing entrenched to her own detriment.

Merkin

If it's that badly applied and people notice then you really have to say it to her. I love glamour and actually have a qualification in make up artistry (which I did for sh1ts and giggles) and unless someone was having make up prosthetics or something really dramatic done, no make up takes two hours to apply. She must be absolutely troweling it on, layer over layer, it must look really horrid.

Contrary to popular belief most good make up artists will adopt a less is more approach for everyday wear so I'd pay for her to go on a half day make up application session, preferably a wedding one, as they tend to use the most natural make up application possible. You need to say it to her. I think there may be deeper psychological issues at play here but at least being taught how to do it properly should stop her going out looking like Coco the Clown.

LegacyUser

If she's in her thirties then she's been wearing make up for about 15 years and she ain't gonna tone it down now.

I'm in my thirties and I find myself wearing more, not less - I look a hell of a lot more tired and piggy-eyed these days than I did at 22 so undereye concealer and mascara is a BIG part of my life now.

That said, with age usually comes speed - I can do a full face in 15 minutes nowadays. However if its a night out, I'll spend half an hour - more, if fake eyelashes are involved (those bastards take 15 minutes on their own!). If your gf is regularly spending a lot of time at it, it would indicate to me that she really enjoys all the faffing and perfecting. I do too, tbh.

However making someone late, or taking the bathroom is NOT ON. Thats just bad manners. I have a husband, and if he wants to go out at 8pm, then you may be damn sure I'll time myself accordingly. Thats just consideration.

But there seems to be a few things mixed up in your post.

A) the lateness and the diruption to your schedule, and the hogging of bathroom space. This should be addressed - it is messing other people around and is rude. She can do what she wants as long as it doesn't inconvenience other people. She need to schedule herself better.

the sheer amount of make up she wears. It does sound like she's wearing a mask of slap like an entire MAC counter threw up on her, but that is simply her personal taste. Her face, her rules I'm afraid. If you're embarressed by it? Either build a bridge and get over it or find someone who has a different look.

curlzy

Flugzeug wrote: »

Maybe you could buy her a make up demonstration or something. So she can go to a professional and be shown how to do lighter, more natural (and hopefully faster) way of doing her make up. Then when she comes home from it stress how lovely she looks with more natural make up.

As per previous posts she seems to have big self esteem issues so I don't think you'll ever get her to stop using it completely but it sounds like she does need to curb her dependence on it

I have the opposite problem, I never wear make-up to the extent that I'm a bit lost when I have to. I think the post above is the best solution by far. You don't really have a right to object to the way she wants to look but you could do something like the suggestion above and let the make up artist broach the subject with her. I saw a special sale from MKF institute Dublin http://mkfinstitute.com/ and it was about €80 for a 4 week course, 1 night a week, I sure they could advise you if you give them a call. You could just tell her you know she loves make-up so you got her this gift, you could also give her some money to buy some products. I'm sure the teacher will steer her in the direction of more subtle make up. I wonder if maybe your gf has scarring or acne that she wants to cover? Either way you don't want to hurt her feelings, softly softly is the approach here, she does sound like a good person.

username123

I'm all for people having the freedom to look how they want and I applaud anyone who has the patience to wear make up daily. But I cannot stand when vanity becomes a series of waiting games for everyone else. It's just extremely rude and very selfish.

You need to stop enabling the behaviour OP. Don't wait excessively, turf her out of bathrooms in other people's homes (or don't stay there at all if she cannot have manners about it), do your own thing on holidays, stop trying to sort the logistics all the time, but above all, stop waiting on her. Get on with your life and if she continues to put her face before all activities then you know where her priorities lie and you can think about a future living with someone like that.

Colser

Hi OP...I agree she shouldnt hog the bathroom or be late for arrangements but I disagree with your attitude towards the amount of make up per se.

Im going to presume that she has been like this since you met her so its not something that changed recently.Why werent you put off initially by the amount of make up that she wears?If you find it embarrassing why did you start a relationship with her?

I dont like the fact that your sister felt she could mention it to you now and not two years ago...I would never make personal remarks to my siblings about their partners( have often bitten my tongue) and I think you should have told your sister to mind her own business. I would hate to think that my OH would discuss anything like that about me with his sisters.

Basically Im wondering why this is only bothering you now 2 years down the line...your girlfriend hasnt changed so why are your feelings in relation to her make up suddenly changing now.?

By the way I genuinely know lots of women who wear too much make up imo and spend ages getting ready to go out and thats their choice..Im certainly not like that myself but each to their own ect.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't go to work without make-up on, or indeed leave the house without at least a bit of 'face'. However, there's no way I'd carry on like your GF. I really think she's carrying her need to do her face into obsession levels, and being incredibly rude in the process. Neither are very attractive qualities in a partner.

The obsession and rudeness would damage the relationship very badly for me (and I'm female). I guess it's down to can you put up with this or not. It sounds like 'not', tbh. And can you put up with her lack of consideration for you & others.

Not sure I'd like kissing a face like that, no matter how perfectly made up she thought it was!