Friend ignoring me

LegacyUser

I think I know what answers people with give to this but I might feel better if I tell someone about it. Sorry it turned out so long.

I have known my friend since we were babies. Both in our thirties now. We try to meet up two or three times a year, as both live two hours from home in the opposite direction we meet when we are both home. In the last year we haven't managed to meet as our schedules haven't matched up. I don't have many friends, I don't drink or enjoy pubs so it's hard to make friends as that is all people really want to do. So I would consider her one of my good friends even though we don't get to see each other often. If something happens in my life she's one of the first people I tell.

Anyway over the last few months she has had a few weekends away in the town beside where I live. (Around 30 min drive). It has been her and a few of her other single friends, different ones each time. Sometimes I am free to met up, other times I hadn't been around.

Anyway, the last two times have really upset me. Both times she gets in touch a few times to see if I will be there that weekend. Including a few days before and the day before she comes up. The second last time I met her and her friend for dinner on the Friday night. Another girl was due to join them too but didn't arrive until Saturday due to a funeral. So I found out she had booked the restaurant for three the day before so I was invited because the other girl wasn't there. Then on Saturday I text a few times to see what they were doing to arrange to meet and her texts were always along the lines of ' not doing much just out for a walk' I didn't know the other girl she was with so I didn't want to impose so called and I said to let me know what their plan was and I would join them later. Never got told so didn't meet them on Saturday, so she said we could meet before they leave on Sunday. I said great, just let me know what time.

So on Sunday I text at 10 to see if she was around to meet up. She got back to me at 12 to say they were going for breakfast and leaving after that. If I drove in then I would only arrive when they were finished breakfast so I said I better leave it. They didn't leave until 3pm. This was Easter weekend and my husband was away so I only stayed around as she was going to be there. I was so upset over it.

Anyway roll on this weekend and my friend is here again. She text a few weeks ago to say she would be coming up and that we really should meet up. She text yesterday and said she would let me know as soon as they arrived in and we would go for coffee. That's the last I have heard from her. I know they are here as one of the girls she's with posted on Facebook about it. I text her at three telling her about something that's on tomorrow that they might be interested in. It shows on my phone that she read that message, but nothing from here since.

I'm so annoyed. I didn't tell my husband she was coming up in case this happened again as he knows how upset I was last time. So I have spent the evening checking my phone like an idiot waiting for a message.

I am not sure if I should say something to her or just let the friendship go. We are both living different lives, but we always have been really and it hasn't mattered before.

ABajaninCork

You know what I'm going to say here. Life's too short - I'd let it go. It hurts horribly, but I think your lives have taken different directions and you've just grown apart.

It's a bit like the break-up of a LTR. It hurts, you wonder what you did wrong, and how you could turn back the clock to change things. But you can't - this ship has sailed, I'm afraid.

If she texts - answer her. DON'T be the one to do the running any more. Send Christmas and birthday cards if you like. But you know your mate can't be relied on any more. You're not her priority.

What hobbies do you have/would like to do? You could try meeting people through a new hobby.

LynnGrace

I agree with previous poster. Yes, it hurts, but sometimes it is better to let friendships go. I'd leave the next contact to come from her, answer politely, meet if it suits, but wouldn't be putting things on hold in order to meet up.

LegacyUser

Yes I'm just annoyed. I feel like I was made an idiot of again. She also did this the last time we were both home. She arranged to call over to me at my parents house. I told everyone she would be calling over and then I didn't hear from her for two days when she said sorry she had been tired.

She text now to say she forgot to text me earlier. Fair enough forgetting to text someone, but she seemed to forget that we were even meant to meet around 4. I think if the others had been off doing something else then she would have met me. Anyway no intention of texting back tonight and I already have other plans for tomorrow.

Merkin

I think the friendship had run it's course. I also think that she's making these perfunctory and essentially lacking in any substance plans so as not to insult you when you see her tagged nearby. It's like she'll make a very tentative arrangement, not follow it up, but you couldn't really then take her to task about ignoring you when to all intents and purposes she has made arrangements, albeit tenuous.

I'd be inclined to just leave it and work on expanding your social circle.

LynnGrace

Don't be thinking of it as her 'making an idiot of you', that is being harsh on yourself. Friendships do run out of steam, as people move into different phases in their lives. Sometimes it's best to gracefully let go. Believe me, I've been there.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

It's like she'll make a very tentative arrangement, not follow it up, but you couldn't really then take her to task about ignoring you when to all intents and purposes she has made arrangements, albeit.

I think this is it exactly, even though I didn't want to admit it. Even the text tonight just said she forgot to text back... Nothing else, just covering herself. Not actually arranging to make up for it.

At least I know where I stand now. Will try not to dwell on it too much.

Bafucin

She is rude you should simply move on. Not worth the hassle.

Stavro Mueller

There's no point in even saying it to her for two reasons. Firstly, seeing as she has been less than honest with you to date you're not going to get anything but an evasive answer. And you know, even if you did, do you really want to hear her the truth with your own two ears?
Secondly, when you find yourself questioning a friendship like this, it's on its uppers. People choose who they want to be friends with and make the effort if they want to hang around with you.

It does hurt when you realise you're being phased out by a friend, especially a longstanding one. As you said though, you know where you stand now. Let this one fizzle out and try to make new friends

dellas1979

Friendproblem wrote: »

Even the text tonight just said she forgot to text back... Nothing else, just covering herself. Not actually arranging to make up for it.

You still value her as how it used to be (i.e., if something happened in the morning, now, youd still go to her), but I think you should reexamine now where her value lies in your eyes. She doesnt hold you in the same value any more, i.e., she needs to be de-ranked a bit in your eyes/head too.

This happens in life/friendships.

The thing is, I think, especially for people who were life long friends, keep the door open a little. As in, there has been no falling out, so as someone suggested, send a christmas card/bday wishes etc. But do your own thing now.

Addle

Maybe it seems a bit one sided to your friend and she's fed up of that.

Do you ever arrange to visit each other at your homes?

She let's you know she's half an hour away from you, do you invite her to yours?

She's with her friends, not yours.

If you genuinely want to see her, make an effort.

Addle

You were waiting for a message and getting annoyed that it wasn't forthcoming.

Why not be proactive?

Why not just text her to confirm meeting?

missjm

I don't understand why you're sitting around waiting and checking on facebook rather than just picking up your phone and calling her and asking 'Hey, are we meeting for that coffee then?'. She might think you're not overly bothered when you haven't gotten back to her etc.
I would be a little more pro-active and then if she's still blowing hot or cold you'll know for sure. Right now it sounds like there are plans made but not followed up, by either of you.

LegacyUser

I did text yesterday to ask had they arrived, I text after that to mention an event they might like to go to on Sunday too. She didn't reply to either even though they we're read soon after I sent them.

The previous time I called and text. She said on the call that they would let me know what their plan was later and just ignored me after that. And they would have passed near my house on the way home so I asked if they wanted to call in. She just ignored it.

I was waiting for replies, not for her to send a message first. I have done enough.

I'll take the hint!

LegacyUser

I think you have to change the way you view the relationship.

I once had a very close friend. I'd have dropped everything for her, and to be fair, several times she was really there for me. But as the years passed I started to find her much less reliable when it came to plans. I'd text and even with just "hows it going" texts it'd take her days to respond.

I ignored it for a long time but the last straw was when she asked me up to town for a night out, I subsequently got all dolled up, told my folks, arranged to stay in my aunts house, got the bus, got to my aunts and waited to go out. I hadn't heard from her that day so around 7 texted "What pub?". Lonnnnng wait, and eventually I get a text that oh ****, sorry, she'd totally forgotten and was in her pyjamas. I rang her and said oh come on, I came up specially on the bus and its only 7, get out of the pyjamas and come on! But no, she was too tired.

Ok so. There was no-one else going out that night. You can imagine how embarressing it was to tell my aunt I was staying in in my sparkly top!

After that, I consciously downgraded her. I'm friends with her to this day, but only contact her every six months - usually a PM on Facebook. I never expect her to contact me - she's useless.

I contact her and invite her for a coffee sometime. Nice and vague. Then if she responds and says "Sure where?" I try to get her to share in the arrangements - I'm not doing it all. And even on the day I half don't expect her to turn up, so always pick somewhere where I won't care, and can go shopping after my coffee.

You may wonder why I bother making even this bare effort - its cos she's hysterically funny company, and I believe its not anything personal. She's just oblivious to nuances of friendship and highly self-absorbed. She gets dazzled by newer, more glamorous people. And if I'm not her "top tier" then thats OK - we can be fond of each other whilst being second tier in each others lives.

I'm grateful for the lessons she taught me too - friendships can be ok even when they're not that reliable, and also that its good mental and emotional practise to try to be a little less invested.

From now on, you need to decide to only meet her once during a weekend home. The
Friday or the Saturday night, but thats it. Make that YOUR choice, not hers. And make other arrangements the rest of the weekend. If she wants to meet you a second time? Sure, as long as she makes the effort and she fits into whatever you're already booked to do. If she doesn't? Then you won't mind, as mentally you'd only slotted her in for one night anyway.

And if she doesn't want to meet at all? Shame, but no problem - you're too busy to notice much, maybe next time.

Addle

In that case, I put your energy to other uses.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for replying it was a help to read the replies. The last time it happened I spent the next week wondering what was wrong with me that she must have been embarrassed to have me near her new friends but now I think I'm better off. I Spent the day with my husband and a girl I made friends with recently through mutual interests.We made the same type of arrangement to meet up, as in no exact place or time but she actually followed through and didn't just avoid my messages.

My other friend had a three hour journey home which she wasn't driving for but still no message. So clearly she wasn't too bothered about not meeting me. I'm sure il get a text from her some evening she's on her own and bored.

ABajaninCork

I wouldn't bother to analyse it any more. Looks as though she's moved on. So should you.

LynnGrace

Twotier wrote: »

I think you have to change the way you view the relationship.

I once had a very close friend. I'd have dropped everything for her, and to be fair, several times she was really there for me. But as the years passed I started to find her much less reliable when it came to plans. I'd text and even with just "hows it going" texts it'd take her days to respond.

I ignored it for a long time but the last straw was when she asked me up to town for a night out, I subsequently got all dolled up, told my folks, arranged to stay in my aunts house, got the bus, got to my aunts and waited to go out. I hadn't heard from her that day so around 7 texted "What pub?". Lonnnnng wait, and eventually I get a text that oh ****, sorry, she'd totally forgotten and was in her pyjamas. I rang her and said oh come on, I came up specially on the bus and its only 7, get out of the pyjamas and come on! But no, she was too tired.

Ok so. There was no-one else going out that night. You can imagine how embarressing it was to tell my aunt I was staying in in my sparkly top!

After that, I consciously downgraded her. I'm friends with her to this day, but only contact her every six months - usually a PM on Facebook. I never expect her to contact me - she's useless.

I contact her and invite her for a coffee sometime. Nice and vague. Then if she responds and says "Sure where?" I try to get her to share in the arrangements - I'm not doing it all. And even on the day I half don't expect her to turn up, so always pick somewhere where I won't care, and can go shopping after my coffee.

You may wonder why I bother making even this bare effort - its cos she's hysterically funny company, and I believe its not anything personal. She's just oblivious to nuances of friendship and highly self-absorbed. She gets dazzled by newer, more glamorous people. And if I'm not her "top tier" then thats OK - we can be fond of each other whilst being second tier in each others lives.

I'm grateful for the lessons she taught me too - friendships can be ok even when they're not that reliable, and also that its good mental and emotional practise to try to be a little less invested.

From now on, you need to decide to only meet her once during a weekend home. The
Friday or the Saturday night, but thats it. Make that YOUR choice, not hers. And make other arrangements the rest of the weekend. If she wants to meet you a second time? Sure, as long as she makes the effort and she fits into whatever you're already booked to do. If she doesn't? Then you won't mind, as mentally you'd only slotted her in for one night anyway.

And if she doesn't want to meet at all? Shame, but no problem - you're too busy to notice much, maybe next time.

Very well said, and I totally agree.