Body language in the office

LegacyUser

I work in an office and on a team of about 20 or so. An office like any other. I get on with everyone and I'd be pretty chatty. I don't know what certain behaviour means.

One girl who checks my work taps my arm or hand if I go over to discuss something. There is another who does that too. If I'm in early they come over chatting and would be tapping my arm as we chat about the weekend or whatever.

Yesterday I was chatting with someone as I was leaving and another girl came over and started rubbing my back for a few seconds and commented on I was leaving on time ( I'd be working stressful long hours all week). I didn't respond or know what to do, I just talked and got a few laughs.

It's not flirting, these girls are either married or in relationships.

There was a gay guy here as an intern and he was very popular. The girls would give him hugs and kisses on the cheek. He was a sound guy, liked by all.

Since its an office I would never touch someone. Do the girls think I'm gay? (I'm not) Or if not do they see me as a friend and probably a bit harmless?

Merkin

I wouldn't read anything into it whatsoever. If I like someone and have a good rapport with someone I'm normally tactile too, it comes naturally. In saying that I'm acutely aware of social cues so if I thought any touching was going to be misconstrued or make someone feel uncomfortable then I wouldn't.

They touch you because they are comfortable around you and it tends to be women who are more tactile then men. The touch on your back was a comfort gesture, they were glad to see you going home after working so hard. Nothing more to it.

Soft Falling Rain

I wouldn't worry about it, who cares if they think you're gay anyway? They're work colleagues so I wouldn't be too bothered about what they think they know.

krankykitty

Whether they think you're gay or not, its pretty damn unprofessional of them to be getting touchy feely in the office. Imagine roles reversed and that was a guy massaging a girl?

Czarcasm

Officeworker wrote: »

Since its an office I would never touch someone. Do the girls think I'm gay? (I'm not) Or if not do they see me as a friend and probably a bit harmless?

OP is your issue that you think your work colleagues think might be thinking you're gay? I'd be fairly sure they don't care either way, and I'm fairly sure the fact that one of your work colleagues is gay is also irrelevant to them. Some people, be they man or woman, are just tactile like that, and they don't mean anything by it.

It depends on the general atmosphere within the workplace really - I've worked in offices where people were very open and very tactile with each other, and I've worked in offices where people wouldn't so much as acknowledge your presence in the office for fear of being seen as "unprofessional". Guess which environment I preferred working in?

I preferred working in an office where people weren't afraid to be themselves, and sometimes they did indeed share too much information about their personal lives, or they were a bit too touchy feely for my liking, but they could usually sense, as most people do, when I was uncomfortable or didn't want to share, which was much easier to deal with than the uncomfortable and artificial environment created by people who wanted to be seen as "professionals".

The people who wanted to be seen as professionals were actually anything but, and this created tension in the office which had an impact on work productivity and efficiency, a noticeably negative effect, it all felt very artificial, and staff morale was very low, whereas the people in the office that weren't so concerned with maintaining a stiff upper lip actually worked much better together and were far more productive and professional.

Actually as I remember it, the people who wanted to be seen as professionals, when we'd go to conferences, they'd stick to their own little table and scan the room looking for people they could point out were behaving "unprofessionally", while the people from other regions were actually mixing and mingling with each other and collaborating and sharing ideas, and when it came to the presentations - you didn't need to be a genius to see the difference in the presentations given by people who were professionals, and those who just thought that's how professionals were supposed to behave.

krankykitty

You don't have to act like an asshole to act professionally though.. You can still be friendly (while respecting others boundaries) and professional

LynnGrace

I wouldn't read anything into the behaviour, personally.
Work environments can vary in this respect, of course. Personally I am never tactile in the work environment, regardless of whether I am friendly with colleagues, or not.

Czarcasm

krankykitty wrote: »

You don't have to act like an asshole to act professionally though.. You can still be friendly (while respecting others boundaries) and professional

That's exactly my point - just because the OP's work colleagues are tactile, doesn't indicate they mean to be disrespectful, but I think the OP in this case has two separate issues -

1. He's reading too much into his work colleagues just being friendly.

2. Because he's reading too much into his work colleagues being friendly, he wonders are they only friendly with him because they assume he's gay.

And before you go with reversing the genders again -

If a person's actions make another person uncomfortable, gender doesn't even come into it, their actions are unwelcome and they should be told their actions are unwelcome. The OP doesn't seem to have an issue with his work colleagues being tactile, he has an issue with them thinking he's gay, or as he says himself - "a bit harmless".

krankykitty

The op himself says because he works in an office he would not touch anyone (so I am guessing he would be taken aback or uncomfortable about being touched himself, apart from the whole being perceived as gay/harmless thing

I was reversing genders as Some women think its OK to be touchy feely with men, but if men get touchy feely in the office with women, in a lot of cases it will be seen as completely inappropriate and sexual harassment etc. A double standard. I think women should be as mindful of their male colleagues boundaries as they expect men to be of theirs.

tinkerbell

OP, you can deal with this but without being confrontational about it - when they go to touch you, move away from them or push away in your chair. They'll soon get the message. I feel for you, I really do - people need to respect people's personal space. If the roles were reversed and it was you rubbing their backs then there'd be outrage and people would be saying you are a creep or a perv, but just because it's a woman doing it to a man you're just expected to suck it up. It's so wrong.

But you could just be a bit confrontational if you wish and make a joke of it and be like "Jees, less of the touching" and laugh it off.

Lou.m

Officeworker wrote: »

I work in an office and on a team of about 20 or so. An office like any other. I get on with everyone and I'd be pretty chatty. I don't know what certain behaviour means.

One girl who checks my work taps my arm or hand if I go over to discuss something. There is another who does that too. If I'm in early they come over chatting and would be tapping my arm as we chat about the weekend or whatever.

Yesterday I was chatting with someone as I was leaving and another girl came over and started rubbing my back for a few seconds and commented on I was leaving on time ( I'd be working stressful long hours all week). I didn't respond or know what to do, I just talked and got a few laughs.

It's not flirting, these girls are either married or in relationships.

There was a gay guy here as an intern and he was very popular. The girls would give him hugs and kisses on the cheek. He was a sound guy, liked by all.

Since its an office I would never touch someone. Do the girls think I'm gay? (I'm not) Or if not do they see me as a friend and probably a bit harmless?

It means nothing, absolutely nothing.

A man tapping my arm or resting his arm on my back is not sexual.

But if you are not comfortable then mention it. I would not have an issue with someone saying they did not like it.

Don't worry about it.

Men are tactile with me clients etc sometimes ....I have never been harassed in a work environment. But Male clients have given me hugs or kisses on the cheek. Some people are like that. I have not had an issue. But these are people I know well. But I would address it if someone I was not comfortable with did it.

The issue is you are not comfortable with it so I would point it out to them and it should stop. There should be no issue of them taking offense in my opinion. You have the right to your personal space as you see it.

People don't always seeing touching between genders as sexual ...infact most of the time it is just human interaction and human touch.

If it makes you uncomfortable you should say though and you should not feel bad for doing so. Different people prefer different boundaries. To you touch between genders generally means something sexual and that is the way you feel.

There would be some men I would not mind hugging me etc and some I would.

If it were me and you came to me and said listen Lou.M i just want to keep it a bit less tactile I would just say 'no prob'. Part of getting to know you is knowing where your boundaries are and respecting them.

Czarcasm

krankykitty wrote: »

The op himself says because he works in an office he would not touch anyone (so I am guessing he would be taken aback or uncomfortable about being touched himself, apart from the whole being perceived as gay/harmless thing

But that's just it. The OP seems more bothered by the impression he thinks his work colleagues have of him that he is either gay or a bit harmless!

He says he knows himself that his work colleagues aren't flirting with him, and from the way I read his post, he seems to be equating perfectly normal personal interactions between work colleagues as a reaction to their perception of his sexuality or his mentality.

Reading way too much into it. I'm actually left wondering why the OP focused so much on his work colleagues interactions with only one other man in the office (a temporary intern) and why he considered that particular man's sexuality a relevant factor as opposed to the fact he was just a sound guy that was well liked by all his work colleagues.

Is the fact that your work colleagues happen to like you what bothers you OP? Why? There really isn't anything more to it, at least not from your work colleagues point of view.

Do you also observe how your work colleagues interact with other men in the office, or how they interact with each other?

I was reversing genders as Some women think its OK to be touchy feely with men, but if men get touchy feely in the office with women, in a lot of cases it will be seen as completely inappropriate and sexual harassment etc. A double standard. I think women should be as mindful of their male colleagues boundaries as they expect men to be of theirs.

Reversing the genders really has nothing to do with the OP's situation though. You're onto something completely different there when you start introducing scenarios that aren't even hinted at in the OP. His work colleagues don't have any issues with him, it's the OP has an issue with his work colleagues, or more likely IMO with himself and how he is perceived BY his work colleagues. That's not his work colleagues responsibility, it's the OP's issue in that case.

cat_dog

It seems a bit patronizing to me.

Rubberchikken

I wouldnt like it.
Dont like strangers/colleagues touching me and never encourage it.

If you're uncomfortable, move away from the person.
They should get the hint soon enough.

Tbh i would wonder how it would be taken by everyone if it was men doing it to a female.

meeeeh

Czarcasm wrote: »

But that's just it. The OP seems more bothered by the impression he thinks his work colleagues have of him that he is either gay or a bit harmless!

He says he knows himself that his work colleagues aren't flirting with him, and from the way I read his post, he seems to be equating perfectly normal personal interactions between work colleagues as a reaction to their perception of his sexuality or his mentality.

Reading way too much into it. I'm actually left wondering why the OP focused so much on his work colleagues interactions with only one other man in the office (a temporary intern) and why he considered that particular man's sexuality a relevant factor as opposed to the fact he was just a sound guy that was well liked by all his work colleagues.

Is the fact that your work colleagues happen to like you what bothers you OP? Why? There really isn't anything more to it, at least not from your work colleagues point of view.

Do you also observe how your work colleagues interact with other men in the office, or how they interact with each other?





Reversing the genders really has nothing to do with the OP's situation though. You're onto something completely different there when you start introducing scenarios that aren't even hinted at in the OP. His work colleagues don't have any issues with him, it's the OP has an issue with his work colleagues, or more likely IMO with himself and how he is perceived BY his work colleagues. That's not his work colleagues responsibility, it's the OP's issule in that case.

It is not like OP has some sort of a problem. I am very tactile person with my kids and partner but I don't like to be touched by co workers or people who are not close to me. Neither do I want my personal space invaded. There is plenty of research about how uncomfortable are people around those who invade their personal space.

Soft Falling Rain

cat_dog wrote: »

It seems a bit patronizing to me.

How so?

Montgolfier

What's the big deal with trying it on with one of them? State your position. Nothing will probably happen anyway just make sure she's not single

Soft Falling Rain

Montgolfier wrote: »

What's the big deal with trying it on with one of them? State your position. Nothing will probably happen anyway just make sure she's not single

Haha I wouldn't recommend doing that with a colleague. Don't **** where you sleep and all that.

Czarcasm

meeeeh wrote: »

It is not like OP has some sort of a problem. I am very tactile person with my kids and partner but I don't like to be touched by co workers or people who are not close to me. Neither do I want my personal space invaded. There is plenty of research about how uncomfortable are people around those who invade their personal space.

The OP didn't say anything about being uncomfortable being touched or having his personal space invaded. The OP's problem, as he states himself, is that he just doesn't know what it means when his work colleagues touch him -

Officeworker wrote: »

I work in an office and on a team of about 20 or so. An office like any other. I get on with everyone and I'd be pretty chatty. I don't know what certain behaviour means.

...

Yesterday I was chatting with someone as I was leaving and another girl came over and started rubbing my back for a few seconds and commented on I was leaving on time ( I'd be working stressful long hours all week). I didn't respond or know what to do. I just talked and got a few laughs.

...

Since its an office I would never touch someone. Do the girls think I'm gay? (I'm not) Or if not do they see me as a friend and probably a bit harmless?

The OP isn't worried about how his work colleagues interact with him, he's wondering about why? And that's why most posters here are suggesting he's reading way too much into it. He knows his work colleagues aren't flirting with him. He just wonders do they touch him because they think he's gay or a bit harmless. I don't think his work colleagues are thinking about his sexuality or his mentality, they more likely just think he's a nice guy. I think they would be taken aback and find it a bit strange if the OP asked them though are they only friendly with him because they think he's gay or a bit harmless, and then the OP's problem would be that people would avoid him entirely because they could never be sure how he interprets their interactions.

Being uncomfortable being touched and invasion of personal space is one thing, over-thinking peoples motivations and reasons for being friendly with you is quite another thing entirely.

cat_dog

Soft Falling Rain wrote: »

How so?

It just seems like feigned kindness. OP feels uncomfortable, confused and disrespected. He needs to stand up for himself. He's not the office pet. If he does this tactfully he will earn their respect.

Mordun

No one has the right to touch you OP, especially if they are makong you uncomfortable.

ash23

A couple of the guys here in work are fairly tactile and would often touch my arm when walking past or when over at my desk or rest their hand on my shoulder etc.

It means nothing OP. I see them do it with the other girls also. It does feel a bit strange sometimes because I wouldn't be at all tactile in work although I am very much so with my family and boyfriend and would think nothing of it at home but at work it just seems more noticeable.

Personally I wouldn't make anything of it. Unless it's making you actually uncomfortable and then you could say it but I think you'd be replacing a harmless uncomfortable with a very strained uncomfortable to be honest.

blatantrereg

I would find this intrusive and it would bother me.
It can be a cutural thing. Different cultures have different attitudes about touching, and it varies between male-male, male-female, female-female etc.
I agree that it is inappropriate. I wouldn't think it indicates that they think you're gay.
Not sure how to address it without risking drama.

LegacyUser

I would find your situation seriously intrusive and inappropriate. No matter how tactile someone says they are, assuming that others are (especially in the workplace) is incredibly inconsiderate and downright rude.

If this happens again, I'd move away OP. Hopefully they'll get the message that bullying their way into your personal space is just not on.