Am I just scared of commitment?

LegacyUser

I'm female, mid-20s and about 3 years into a relationship with the sweetest guy going. We have our problems but it's not an unhappy relationship.

What's really getting to me is that if I stay with him I'll never get to experiment. I'm finding it hard to put this into words so try bear with me. Ever since I was 12 I wondered if I was gay. I'm clearly not because I am attracted to guys, but I haven't been able to stop wondering about what it would be like to be with another girl. It's like I've never been able to label myself as straight or not because I don't know, like I like the idea of being with a girl but I don't know if I'd love it or hate it in practice and I'd really like to know. I was always too afraid to do anything proactive about it which I kinda regret now, I registered on gaydargirls and could have met up with people but I kinda felt like I'd be messing them around when I wouldn't even know if I'd like being with a girl. I also didn't want to go to anything in town for fear of being seen (lots of then-friends I've since lost touch with were working the door on places like the george).

The trouble is, I can't stop thinking about what it would be like and I'm starting to resent my relationship because I really don't want to be unfaithful and kiss someone else. I'd be devestated if he did that to me and I know it would hurt him if I asked permission to experiment. I think it's causing me to be less enthusiastic about the relationship While I want to be intimate with him, it's like my mind says yes but my body says no because when it comes down to it I don't want to touch him down there or have sex and it's getting to the point where I don't like kissing him any more. But I still love him to bits and mentally want to be with him but the physical desire and willingness is gone. I can't help think that it's my head messing me up.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what anyone can say that would help but I needed to get all that off my chest and I was just hoping someone out there has some words of advice.

ABajaninCork

I think you're not attracted to your BF any more. You know what you need to do. It wouldn't be fair to him else...

Then you'd be free to experiment if you want.

Merkin

I wouldn't worry too much about labels or compartmentalising yourself into a gay box or a straight box, I think you no longer fancy your boyfriend. I also think that it's admirable you don't want to cheat on him in order to explore your sexuality further. On that basis I'd be inclined to split up with him and then you can have full artistic license to take things further with girls.

I also think that you're overthinking your approach to gaydar. Everyone has to start somewhere and as long as you're leading nobody on with lies or false promises then hooking up with other girls is perfectly cool and will allow you to explore what turns you on and allow you to experiment sexually as well if someone takes your fancy.

Don't overthink it. I do think you owe it to yourself to explore this part f your sexuality and I wouldn't worry about splitting up with your BF, if the desire has gone then it doesn't have a future.

nc19

Not taking the p at all but maybe try a 3some before dumping the bf

if you suggest a 3some i promise you your bf will agree and then you can see if girls are your thing or not

Lou.m

missedmychance wrote: »

I'm female, mid-20s and about 3 years into a relationship with the sweetest guy going. We have our problems but it's not an unhappy relationship.

What's really getting to me is that if I stay with him I'll never get to experiment. I'm finding it hard to put this into words so try bear with me. Ever since I was 12 I wondered if I was gay. I'm clearly not because I am attracted to guys, but I haven't been able to stop wondering about what it would be like to be with another girl. It's like I've never been able to label myself as straight or not because I don't know, like I like the idea of being with a girl but I don't know if I'd love it or hate it in practice and I'd really like to know. I was always too afraid to do anything proactive about it which I kinda regret now, I registered on gaydargirls and could have met up with people but I kinda felt like I'd be messing them around when I wouldn't even know if I'd like being with a girl. I also didn't want to go to anything in town for fear of being seen (lots of then-friends I've since lost touch with were working the door on places like the george).

The trouble is, I can't stop thinking about what it would be like and I'm starting to resent my relationship because I really don't want to be unfaithful and kiss someone else. I'd be devestated if he did that to me and I know it would hurt him if I asked permission to experiment. I think it's causing me to be less enthusiastic about the relationship While I want to be intimate with him, it's like my mind says yes but my body says no because when it comes down to it I don't want to touch him down there or have sex and it's getting to the point where I don't like kissing him any more. But I still love him to bits and mentally want to be with him but the physical desire and willingness is gone. I can't help think that it's my head messing me up.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what anyone can say that would help but I needed to get all that off my chest and I was just hoping someone out there has some words of advice.

Sexual orientation and sexual identity are different from sexual attraction and fantasy.

You wondering what it would be like to be with a girl is not that much different to wondering what it might be like to sleep with a guy you see that is not your BF.

I don't know if you are bi sexual or gay or straight. I am not going to tell you . That is for you to know.

I am bi sexual myself. If you were bi your bi sexuality would have nothing to do with you not feeling attracted to your BF.

If you were a lesbian though it might explain why you were not attracted to the male gender....however this would not be one male individual ..it would be ALL OF THE MALE GENDER..regardless of looks and personality etc ....

I think you need be careful...if you are showing signs of not being attracted to him he will internalize this potentially with self dissatisfaction.

Are you simply not attracted to this one man anymore or all men?

As for women...it is all very well fantasizing but do you want to go down on a girl for instance? How to you feel about oral sex with another woman? Do women give you emotional butterflies in the same way men do? Do you want women mentally or just sexually?
It can be that for some bi sexual people the two sides of their sexuality acts a little differently.
Generally if you can fall in love with either gender and feel sexually attracted to both genders you fall into bi category. This does not mean you will fancy the same number of women to men or vice verse.

Did you ever enjoy oral sex/sex with your BF? If you did and this is recent then I think it might be just this one guy.

I don't mean to be graphic but what do you fantasize about? Are there some men you fancy?





Don't go into threesome territory unless you are sure you will enjoy it. Don't do it to see what you are sexually comfortable. You seem to be in a delicate frame of being sexually and pushing a boundary in that frame of mind to see what you are and are not comfortable with when you are unsure may not be good for you. And definitely perhaps not wise for a relationship what is already on the rocks. Infact I would wager it would kill it.

Also you might find it difficult to find another woman to agree. I am definitely bi and if anyone asked me for a threesome (boyfriend or couple)I would tell them to **** off quite frankly.

A casual encounter for a first time experience with a woman is not necessarily the best. It may be a man's wet dream but it is not realistic.

Do it because YOU want to not because you need to find out if you are attracted to your BF or not.

Being bi means falling in love with both genders...if you fall in love with men and not women...but like to play with women..you are still straight and your heterosexuality will assert itself after a while.

What is coming through clear though is you are not enjoying sex with the BF and don't find the idea of him sexually appealing. So it is not fair to you or him to force a sexual relationship between you when that sexual energy is not there for you. The same goes for girl on girl.

You say you are attracted to guys....well then you are not a lesbian...you say you wonder what it might be like to be with a guy.


If the idea of going down on a woman etc or the practice makes you uncomfortable don't do it.

To me to be honest you sound more certain of your attraction to the male gender but unattractive to this male. You seem uncertain of your attraction to the female gender.

Also lesbians and bi girls are not play things and have feelings too. It is not as simple as a one night stand emotions get involved.

But I would wager since you are unattracted to this guy you should think it you really want to be with him. You can start to socialize on the gay scene and contact GLEN etc and talk to gay /bi people and exchange experiences and at the very least you will meet some nice people

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here

Thanks for the replies. They've kinda put in perspective what I wanted to hear vs what I needed to hear. I'm heartbroken to say the least. I'm absolutely devastated. I guess I didn't know it but I was hoping someone would say "oh it's just a phase, you'll go back to being attracted to your bf soon". And I agree, it does look so obviously like I should end it with him on account of not being at all sexually attracted to him. It's just that I really do love him so much, I am still in love with him I just kinda I dunno, I'd like to want him sexually. Life would be so much easier if I could just want him physically like I used to. He does deserve to be wanted and desired. Honestly I would marry him tomorrow if I thought I'd be sexually attracted to him for at least the next 15-20 years.

This has happened before to me. In a perfectly good relationship with a nice guy (not as nice as my current bf) and I just lost all interest in sex with him and started fantasizing about girls again so I ended it. But I was too afraid to do anything about experimenting so I just ended up where I am now. I'm afraid if I do end this relationship I'll just do the same again and I'll be right back where I started in 5 years time. I'm sorry, I'm such a mess. It's just so much easier to say in theory to end a relationship than to actually end the relationship I don't think I could do a threesome. I honestly couldn't bring a third person into this mess. I wouldn't be comfortable with it and I don't think my bf would be either, but I do appreciate the suggestion.

Lou.m wrote: »

As for women...it is all very well fantasizing but do you want to go down on a girl for instance? How to you feel about oral sex with another woman? Do women give you emotional butterflies in the same way men do? Do you want women mentally or just sexually?
It can be that for some bi sexual people the two sides of their sexuality acts a little differently.
Generally if you can fall in love with either gender and feel sexually attracted to both genders you fall into bi category. This does not mean you will fancy the same number of women to men or vice verse.

Did you ever enjoy oral sex/sex with your BF? If you did and this is recent then I think it might be just this one guy.

I don't mean to be graphic but what do you fantasize about? Are there some men you fancy?

I'm sorry I'm being really dim but what does this mean when you say the two sides of sexuality can act differently? Sorry to be so graphic but the idea of going down on a woman isn't offputting, I think I'd try it if the situation was right..

With the bf, at the start of the relationship everything was great in the bedroom so I guess it's not men in general. As for what I fantasize about... Last few months it's been almost exclusively women. Like I can think of some male actors who are extremely attractive... but I was thinking about this today (so unproductive in work, I've been a streak of misery) and I realised I dont even check guys out. At the beach a gang of guys and girls can go by and its the girls I check out, I realised it doesn't even cross my mind to check out the guys. I'd never noticed that before. I guess that's all kinda hard to call a phase huh? Or maybe it is?

Lou.m wrote: »

To me to be honest you sound more certain of your attraction to the male gender but unattractive to this male. You seem uncertain of your attraction to the female gender.

Also lesbians and bi girls are not play things and have feelings too. It is not as simple as a one night stand emotions get involved.

But I would wager since you are unattracted to this guy you should think it you really want to be with him. You can start to socialize on the gay scene and contact GLEN etc and talk to gay /bi people and exchange experiences and at the very least you will meet some nice people

See I think this is basiclaly the crux of the problem. I've never even kissed a girl so how can I be sure of anything? At the end of primary school I thought I was gay but then I kissed a boy and enjoyed it, so even though I think I would like being with a girl what if I don't like being with girls? I don't want to get people involved in my mess and upset them because I made a mistake about who I thought I'm attracted to, if you get what I mean? Am I over thinking it? If I registered on gaydar again, would people be down just for a date to the cinema with no obligations afterwards even if there is a bit of kissing? Tbh I don't think I'm in any state to be hopping into bed for ONS with anyone of either gender, I'm just not sure enough of what I want yet and I really don't want to hurt anyone.

Sorry for all the questions, but what's GLEN?

ivytwine

GLEN is the Gay and Lesbian Equality Network, they're a support group based in Dublin.

I think you need to be open with a girl if you were to explore this aspect of your sexuality. It's hurtful to be an experimentation for someone if you are not fully aware that they are in the process of becoming sure of their sexuality. It's good that you recognise that and it should prevent anyone getting hurt if you're honest an open.

Put it this way, I'm straight. A gang of guys goes past, I check them out. If I look at a girl it's in a 'Oh I like her dress, where did she get it' way.

I think it's different to that though, isn't it?