How my sister views me

LegacyUser

I am a 41 year old man that suffers from depression. I recently handed in my notice in my job. Part of that was due to depression but not entirely. I hated the job and career-wise it wasn't going anywhere anyway. The person I worked with was going to hand in his notice and I knew he was not going to be replaced which would have left me to do two people's work on my own.
I would not have able to cope with that level of stress so I left (or rather I am due to leave in a week). I don't regret it but maybe a person who is not depressed would have been able to handle it. I don't know but that is beside the point. This post is really about my sister and my relationship with her. She is two years older than me and married with two children and has had a successfull career behind her. She is now looking after the family while her husband works. She may return to her career in the future. She was vehemently opposed to me leaving the job although when she heard about the other guy leaving she softened her stance a little I think. She knows I suffer from depression but I have never discussed it with her. I discuss it with my mother and she talks to my sister on the 'phone and passes it on to her. She hears about my problems "second-hand".
I don't argue with my sister; we have never had a falling out and I have been a good brother I think. We are not close; it is more a reserved relationship. I try to be a good uncle but it's hard when kids are so full of the joys of life and sometimes I find it hard to play with them and be happy when I am really depressed.
Now I know she knows I have this condition I feel a bit embarrassed to be honest. Her husband knows as well I think as he was supposed to have said one time when I was over at their house that I "seemed a bit down and out" or something. Both of them are what you would call "high achievers" in life. I have always felt a bit inferior to them even though I have a degree myself and I think I am intelligent enough. I suppose I always knew they knew I had depression (my sister anyway) but with this job situation the cat is really out of the bag.
I feel ashamed of myself in their company now. I'm thinking by the way they look at me they are thinking "oh here comes Mr. Misery Guts" or something similarly derogatory. I actually haven't been in their company since I made the decision to leave the job.
I was supposed to go to a concert with my sister but I have told her that I have decided not to go and have sold the tickets. I haven't; I am going with somebody else, I just don't want to go with her now that she looks down on me (or so I believe). I don't think she is too disappointed; I would say she is only going because she thought I had nobody to go with as she knows I don't have many friends. I feel s####y about doing it but I just don't want to be in her company now that "she knows".
One of the weird things I have done as a result of my condition in the last couple of years has been that twice I have booked flights to Spain/France and then not gone.
Last year she asked me to go on a foreign holiday with her and the children and her husband and his family but I turned her down. Not in so many words though; I just told her I would let her know and of course didn't get back to her. I am not sure if she is p####d off with me over this or not. There was never any chance of me going because I know she was only asking me out of sympathy. Her husband has never really made an attempt to be friendly with me so I would not want to spend time in his company for that long.
I didn't go to my college graduation a few years ago because I have slight social phobia (I can't get up on a stage in front of a crowd). I know she was fairly p####d over that because she was going to go and had the time booked off work.
I also refused to do a reading at her wedding ('cause of my phobia as well; I just couldn't do it).
Last year I did go to Kerry for a weekend with her and the children and our parents but she sent me a text the night before saying "If you are not coming please let me know".
I couldn't believe that she would think that I would do something like that but I suppose I shouldn't be as I have form in that area.
I don't pick up the 'phone when she calls sometimes because I feel really ashamed of myself now. I just get the feeling that she is not that sympathetic to my "illness" as he has never had those problems herself (lucky for her). The thing is I don't blame her for looking down on me (if she does). I think she is right to do that; I look down on myself so I don't get annoyed when other people do.

irishguy1983

I have a strong feeling if she read this thread she may understand you and your actions a bit more.

Have you ever thought of maybe even writing her a letter explain what is going on for you?

It might even bring you closer together if she understood you a bit more.

username123

Are you being treated for your depression?

From what you describe, even if you are, you may need a review or further intervention.

Fluorescence

I think you're attributing an awful lot of qualities to your sister that she may not actually possess. Has she ever expressed judgement, shame or embarrassment of you?? Has she even hinted at disappointment? I think if you were to have a frank conversation with her you might find that other people don't give half as much thought to our failings or negative traits than we ourselves do.

Try picking up the phone next time she calls and just be honest with her. People are generally good - so unless she's proven herself to be a bitch time and time again I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and let her into your life more.

And speak to a professional about your severe projection issues if you're not already

retro:electro

You say your sister looks down on you; op from reading your post it could not be more different. It seems your sister goes to great lengths to include you in her life (inviting you on holiday) and involving herself in your life (booking your graduation day off) I don't know why you view this as the opposite? She sounds very understanding and supportive of your life and you seem to want to twist it into being the opposite? You cancelled the concert, not her, she still wants to go with you. She seems to want to be involved in your life but is respectful enough of your condition not to force herself on you.

It seems you are projecting what you feel about yourself onto others and assuming they too feel that way about you. She sounds amazing op, don't let your relationship with her fall apart.

OP I think this thread would be more accurately entitled "how I view myself".
I think you are projecting your feelings onto your sister who doesn't appear to have looked down on you or judged you once and has only ever been welcoming and supportive.

I would urge you to seek help as soon as you can for treatment for your depression and if you are already seeing someone about it, go back and review it.

Pawwed Rig

Your sister actually sounds lovely and seems to make a huge effort to keep you involved in her family. I agree completely with anna080 below. I get on great with my family but never even considered one of them taking the day off work to come to my graduation.
Depression can make one slightly paranoid which it seems to be doing with you. If she didn't want you there you would not be invited. I would say you are lucky to have a sister that cares for you so much.

bee06

bluewolf wrote: »

OP I think this thread would be more accurately entitled "how I view myself".
I think you are projecting your feelings onto your sister who doesn't appear to have looked down on you or judged you once and has only ever been welcoming and supportive.

I would urge you to seek help as soon as you can for treatment for your depression and if you are already seeing someone about it, go back and review it.

This is exactly what I was going to say. And to give a sisterly view of one of the incidents you raised. I asked my brother to read at my wedding. If he came to me and said he didn't want to then I would never be cross. I would never want anyone to do something that made them uncomfortable and most people would feel the same.

Merkin

I agree with the others. I think you're being incredibly hard on your sister. Your entire post is based on assumptions when in actual fact it looks like she has been very kind and inclusive.

Please go and speak to a professional about your depression and explore these issues in therapy.

December2012

I've nothingore to add right now but I agree with all of the other posters.

Your sister has, in my view, been very patient and understanding with you and you don't appear to appreciate this.

It's all about how you feel about your sisters behaviour from your perspective, but you are looking at things through the spectrum of somebody with depression, not somebody who is related to and loves somebody with depression.

Are you receiving treatment?

tenifan

Hi op, depression's one thing but I think you need a big adjustment in your mindset. Your sister seems to be going out of her way for you.
You're living your life dreading things that haven't even happened yet. I'd advise you to get treatment for the depression.
I'd also advise you to fill your employer in on your concerns (as to why you handed in your notice) and see if they will let you keep your job. Work isn't fun but it keeps you busy & is better than wallowing in misery full-time.

Rubberchikken

I think your sister is well aware of your mental health snd is trying very hard to include you in her family.

But i think the way you're feeling is not allowing you to see that.
If you have't spoken to your gp in a while, it might be a good idea to go for a chat.
Best of luck

llambert

OP I have to agree with everyone else. I'm sure your sister is well aware of what's going on in your life and is trying to include you in her family.

My brother is in a similar situation. He suffers from depression. Like your situation it was my mother that kept me in the loop. I always rang him but never brought it up as I didn't know how he would feel about it but hoped by keeping in contact he'd know the door was open if he needed to talk.

Things came to a head at Christmas. He had turned to drugs which we were unaware off and owed a fair bit of money. He was fairly desperate. His partner knew nothing either. Another family member got in touch to tell me. At first he denied it but he had no choice only to tell me. I gave him practically even cent I had to clear the debt.

Obviously I had to tell my husband but never from that day to this have either of us looked down on him. He's in counselling for both his depression and substance abuse. He's out of work now so hasn't paid me back and in all honesty I doubt he will. I don't care about the money I'm just glad to see him looking healthy and happier. He still has tough days but slowly getting there. In a way as awful as it was if the esposide at Christmas hadn't happened God knows where he'd be.

We talk now every week. I always want him to know I'm right behind him. I don't recommend that something dramatic as this has to happen but I really feel you should give your sister a chance. No where in your post do you mention anything mean or bitchy from her side.

Good luck OP, not everyone has a family that would care; please consider counselling if you haven't already.

santana75

Have a read back over your post OP and try to see how you view yourself because thats the problem here nothing else. What screams from what you've written is "victim" its like you've put this Depressed label on yourself and have thus acted accordingly. Please stop labeling yourself as depressed, thats just gonna make you feel worse and it'll send you into a downward spiral. Your view of yourself has become toxic for whatever reason and you're seeing shadows that arent there all over the place. You can change this, you can turn it around but you gotta sort out your toxic view of yourself and your distorted thinking because its those things and nothing else thats determining how you feel.

LegacyUser

A few people have asked am I am being treated for depression; yes I am on medication for it.
I do a fair bit of projecting my thoughts onto people and I imagine I know what they are thinking (I can tell by their eyes or whatever).
As somebody said I suppose this thread is a bit more about how I view myself (so I automatically think everyone else views me in the same way). That is not always the case I know and I could be completley wrong in what I am thinking. It's just that my sister has always been tougher than me. A while ago my mother was saying to me and my sister how sad she was because "all her friends are dead" (three of her close friends passed away within about a year). I felt sympathy for my mother but my sister's reaction to it (to me) was "For God's sake would she ever stop moaning?" and was actually laughing about it. I though this was fairly harsh but I didn't challenge her on it as I didn't want an argument. There have been other examples of her being unsympathetic to people in difficult circumstances. I don't think she means anything bad by it, it's just that maybe she has learned to be like that and it works for her when she is in difficult times (suck it up and get on with it). She maybe thinks everyone else should be like that (including me). I know, I am making assumptions again (but this time based on an example).
Somebody said I should tell my employer why I handed in my notice and see if they will let me keep my job. Thanks for the concern but I am not sorry to be leaving the job; I hated it and firmly believe it contributed greatly to my depression. In the job I had before that I was not as depressed so I want to try to get into something like that again.

bee06

OP, I think I might be a bit like your sister in that I have a kinda of get on with it attitude and wouldn't be overly emotional. To be honest I feel a bit uncomfortable if someone is expressing emotions like your mom did to you and your sister and maybe she tried to make light of it because she felt uncomfortable.

However, I also understand the difference between a situation where it's possible to suck it up and get on with things and genuine depression or any other mental illness where medical intervention and counselling is needed. Hopefully your sister understands the same but you'll never know unless you sit down and talk to her about what you are going through rather than having your mother as a go between.

irishguy1983

bee06 wrote: »

OP, I think I might be a bit like your sister in that I have a kinda of get on with it attitude and wouldn't be overly emotional. To be honest I feel a bit uncomfortable if someone is expressing emotions like your mom did to you and your sister and maybe she tried to make light of it because she felt uncomfortable.

However, I also understand the difference between a situation where it's possible to suck it up and get on with things and genuine depression or any other mental illness where medical intervention and counselling is needed. Hopefully your sister understands the same but you'll never know unless you sit down and talk to her about what you are going through rather than having your mother as a go between.

I just wanted to add to that - I have family members like that. It used upset me thinking they don't care - I now know they just feel uncomfortable talking about sometimes dark,raw emotional issues and that is all it is.

LegacyUser

If my sister does have a "just toughen up" attitude then in a funny way I am a little envious of her because I wish I could be like that. So what I am saying is that I think "yeah she is right, I shouldn't be depressed like this" and that makes me feel like a burden to her.

username123

john_66 wrote: »

If my sister does have a "just toughen up" attitude then in a funny way I am a little envious of her because I wish I could be like that. So what I am saying is that I think "yeah she is right, I shouldn't be depressed like this" and that makes me feel like a burden to her.

Thats a totally normal way to feel. No one WANTS to suffer from depression. But you cant wave a magic wand and make it go away. What's important to focus on is an acceptance of your condition, ways to improve within your situation, things you can do to help yourself. It's YOU you need to focus on, not your sister or anyone external, forget what other people are thinking, what's important is that you come to a healthy way of thinking about yourself. That may require further medical intervention, a reassessment by medical professionals, some self work, etc...

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Thats a totally normal way to feel. No one WANTS to suffer from depression.

You've got that right :-)

username123 wrote: »

But you cant wave a magic wand and make it go away.

True, I wish I could though.

username123 wrote: »

What's important to focus on is an acceptance of your condition, ways to improve within your situation, things you can do to help yourself. It's YOU you need to focus on, not your sister or anyone external, forget what other people are thinking, what's important is that you come to a healthy way of thinking about yourself. That may require further medical intervention, a reassessment by medical professionals, some self work, etc...

Maybe my problem is I am thinking too much what other people are thinking ("Hmm, I wonder has he/she noticed I am depressed"). I am more embarrassed around my sister to be honest (because "she knows"). That's why I pulled out of going to the concert with her.
I will try to put it out of my head, I am probably over-analysing. I mean even though my sister knows about my condition, I am sure she doesn't think about it 24/7.