Looking at people

Oisinor

My (ex)girlfriend and I went to the gym together to a weekly class.

After one particular class she was very irate as apparently I had spent too long looking at another girl.

I knew the girl in question when she brought it up, so I apologized profusely and said I would be better behaved in future...

....I explained to her that my feelings for her were unique, and that regardless looking at anyone didn't change how I felt about her. I explained that I view life with my head up and beautiful as well as ugly people cross my path daily. She told me I was looking for an excuse to look at other women...


She has her own issues and suffers from low self esteem (despite being stunning and constantly taking the attention of passers by). Anyway, the dust didn't settle after this and it became a reoccurring issue. It got to the point where I was attending the same gym class and knew there was a girl my eye line beside me. I concentrated hard and avoided inadvertently seeing her at any point. Only for her to end up right next to me on the next exercise... when I realised she was a sight for sore eyes. I laughed to myself but the reality was it was creating a lot of unnecessary stress.

This bottomed out recently when having a meal out together I was starving and looking around the room whilst chatting. She she says "your having a good look anyway". Bemused (obviously knowing what was coming), I said what? and she points out a pretty German lady at the table next to us I hadn't seen.

I had never in my life been pointed out or joked at as a gaker and it was and still is a cringe behavior in my eyes. My previous relationship was longer and there had never been a word of it. I felt very guilty about all this and the reality is it made me feel like a bad person and very misunderstood. I never had a second thought about any other girl.
We broke up shortly afterwards and the whole experience left me very confused.

Any opinions on this appreciated.

bee06

Oisinor wrote: »

She has her own issues and suffers from low self esteem (despite being stunning and constantly taking the attention of passers by).

You pretty much summed up the issue in this sentence. This girl has such low self esteem that she was assuming that you were looking at these "beautiful" girls because she's not good enough. It was all in her head rather than something you were doing wrong. Don't let her self esteem issues affect how you see your own behaviour.

baby and crumble

I'm in a 10 year relationship op and we both look at people all the time. We're secure enough in ourselves and our relationship that that isn't an issue. There is nothing wrong with looking around and appreciating an attractive person. You're human, and nothing does more damage to a relationship in my opinion than a misguided belief that once you start dating someone you should only be attracted to them. It's such rubbish.

Your ex had major self esteem issues. This honestly wasn't your issue, you didn't do anything wrong.

ManOfMystery

The problem is entirely your ex's.

Don't sweat it. People do not suddenly become blind to the opposite sex when in a relationship. It's not like Brad Pitt is considered ugly by all the married and taken women of the world. You can still find someone attractive, and people in a healthy and secure relationship will have no problem with their partner feeling like that. The only problem would be if you acted on it with someone else.

LegacyUser

Pffft Op seriously now, are you trying to tell me that your ex NEVER looked at other people? Why was it so wrong that you were doing it?

My bf does it all the time and in fact when we're out, if I see a nice girl with a nice bum, I'll actually point it out to him! I have never in my life thought "oh god what if he runs away with her" like jeeze! It's nice to appreciate a nice body etc. as long as that's as far as it goes!

Your ex definitely had insecure issues and that's not your fault. I would not let her issues become your own even now after you've broken up. See how long she will be single for if she continues like that. No man wants that crap!

Ps.. all men do it! And most women too! Why wouldnt we look and appreciate? If your ex saw a fine fella walking down the road I'm sure she would have looked. So why would she berate you for doing similar with a girl? Because she needs to sort out her own confidence problems.

Oisinor

She would say if I was better looking you wouldn't have to look, she also explained that when she passed couples on her own some guys would look at her some wouldn't. She reckoned the ones that didn't look were the ones in love...

.. irony being she did check out guys from time to time once getting caught very badly. I had a different opinion on the whole thing so I didn't push it much.

Glad to hear I'm not on my own on this.... feel a little sense of reality returning to my life!

Floppybits

Oisinor wrote: »

She would say if I was better looking you wouldn't have to look, she also explained that when she passed couples on her own some guys would look at her some wouldn't. She reckoned the ones that didn't look were the ones in love...

.. irony being she did check out guys from time to time once getting caught very badly. I had a different opinion on the whole thing so I didn't push it much.

Glad to hear I'm not on my own on this.... feel a little sense of reality returning to my life!

Your ex is going to have a hard time finding someone that is not going to look at other people and is setting herself up for a long lonely life unless she can get over this or she meets someone cant see or agrees to wear a blindfold in public.

I am sure everyone looks at other people without realising they are doing it.

trio

This is no way to live, being hyper-vigilant in case she catches you looking in the same vague direction as someone who happens to have ovaries.

If a guy was constantly accusing his poor girlfriend of checking out other men on nights out and insisting that she was doing it despite her protestations, we'd all be advising that he was a head-wrecking prick with emotionally abusive tendancies and she should get well rid before his control starts seeping into every other area.

So I personally think you've dodged a bullet. She's going to be like this with the next guy too. He may not get out in time before its HIS self-esteem on the floor. Consider yourself lucky you only feel confused and upset.

meeeeh

Unless you were staring at her for minutes and drooling, it's your ex having problems not you. Last time my partner and I were out our main enjoyment was people watching. Yes we are sad snobs but it is fun.