never succeed at relationships

LegacyUser

This has probably been posted here by different people but it's the situation I'm in now and would like some views.
I'm 27 female and I've never had a relationship longer than 4 months. Both times I was mad about a guy, they ended things conpletely out of the blue. There was no warning signs, no lack of contact. Both times they seemed to happen overnight and I was in completr shock.
Some people might say I haven't met the right person yet and while thay is obviously part of the reason, I feel there has to be something else wrong.
The last guy I was with told me I was innocent one night we were together. When I questioned him he said he meant I was nice. I don't kmow what he meant by "innocent" as I am not a virgin, I've had one night stands and I would consider myself well up on issues in the world/country. It's something that played on my mind a while after because when he ended it he basically admitted I was too nice. To be honest the only reason I may have been too nice to him was because things were going really well and he genuinely never gave me cause for getting mad or angry.
Near the end there was a few times where he wanted to meet up but his job ran late and he couldn't and at the time I understood and believed this as his job was very pressurised and I know from mutual friends he could be there until 12 o clock so I didn't think anything of it.
The thing that seems to bother me is that the more I think about it, the more I think that guys go for girls who expect/demand a lot. For example I have a friend who isn't serious with a guy and she gave out to him for not contacting her for 2 days and he basically told her he'd contact her whenever she wanted once she told him. I have another friend who seems to get angry at her boyfriend for the smallest thing and it seems to make him want her more each time.
In a relationship I don't think I'd stand for being treated badly or being with someone not committed to me. When I say think I mean I haven't been faced with that situation before so I'm only assuming how I would act. That said, is there such a thing as being too nice because over the last few months I've come to realise that guys seem to go for girls who have an "edge" to them.
Just looling for opinions on this as it's something that has been on my mind the past while. I have been told I'm attractive, I'm a nice person with morals and fun to be around. The whole being too nice issue I don't know if I can change but I'd just like some perspective from anyone who wants to give their views.

lazygal

OP being in a relationship isn't the be all and end all. Focus on what is in your life, job, friends, social life, hobbies, and try to stop worrying about being in a relationship.
I was a bit like you. I always seemed to be the 'single friend' when all my gang were going out with guys and never seemed to find it a hard slog meeting a man. I had a few short term things, then I decided to be a bit more independent and go to things on my own so I'd have to talk to new people. I met my now husband at a party I forced myself to go to. I didn't know anyone bar the host, but I got chatting to himself who was also there on his own and five years later we're married with two children.
I found when I met the right person, it was easy. No big dramas, no worrying about how often we met or why did he not text back or 'I don't know where I stand' sleepless nights'. Believe me, I know how it feels wondering why everyone (even people who aren't as nice as you are!) seems to have an effortless knack of meeting someone while you're still alone. What worked for me was making myself so busy with work, studying something I always wanted to, doing some house decoration and other stuff that I had no time to worry about the relationship thing.

bee06

OP, you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to "succeed" at a relationship. Relax a bit and when it's supposed to work out it will. I started going out with my OH when I was 29. Before that I hadn't been in a relationship for more than 3 months. When I met him everything clicked together and the rest is history.

As for your belief that guys only go for girls who have an edge, or kick up a fuss about stupid little things that's not true. For every guy who will put up with a girl like that there is one who would tell her to cop on.

Alf. A. Male

Don't go reading too much beyond fact that you haven't met the right one for you yet, it appears it really is that simple. More importantly, don't go comparing what you have or haven't had with what you friends currently have. In general that's a road to nowhere, your relationships should be judged only on how happy they make you and whoever your with, but also, the two relationships you've described there sound like total headwrecks with a pair of high maintainance princesses making demands of a pair of whipped eejits. If anything, they should show you the people you don't want to be and the situation you don't want to be in.

And the "too nice" rubbish is just that, rubbish. It's one thing to have an edge but treat people properly, it's quite another to be an asshole. People that are attracted to assholes have bigger problems. Don't stop being nice because some fella gave you a bull**** excuse for his lack of committment.

Potatoeman

Was he talking about not being yourself. If someone is called too nice it usually means they are trying too hard or some times fake. Sort of putting up a front.

Your friends sound high maintance and they might get away with it but their partner could very easily have enough and end things.

Mr. Incognito

It could be a million things but the fact is you just haven't met the right person yet.

Women wonder about a lot of this these things because they are supposed to be chased, whatever the hell that means so they put themselves in the places to be chased and meet dicks.

The reason people who go off doing other things and don't bother with that lark is they meet people who they have something in common with and find someone compatible.

Sit down and set three new learning goals for the year, music, writing, art, knitting, whatever floats your boat. Find clubs and societies. Join them.

You'll be too busy playing on the street to ask why someone hasn't stopped by to knock on the door and trust me you WILL meet someone.

Don't be your mates, be yourself.

Lou.m

bad at relationships wrote: »

This has probably been posted here by different people but it's the situation I'm in now and would like some views.
I'm 27 female and I've never had a relationship longer than 4 months. Both times I was mad about a guy, they ended things conpletely out of the blue. There was no warning signs, no lack of contact. Both times they seemed to happen overnight and I was in completr shock.
Some people might say I haven't met the right person yet and while thay is obviously part of the reason, I feel there has to be something else wrong.
The last guy I was with told me I was innocent one night we were together. When I questioned him he said he meant I was nice. I don't kmow what he meant by "innocent" as I am not a virgin, I've had one night stands and I would consider myself well up on issues in the world/country. It's something that played on my mind a while after because when he ended it he basically admitted I was too nice. To be honest the only reason I may have been too nice to him was because things were going really well and he genuinely never gave me cause for getting mad or angry.
Near the end there was a few times where he wanted to meet up but his job ran late and he couldn't and at the time I understood and believed this as his job was very pressurised and I know from mutual friends he could be there until 12 o clock so I didn't think anything of it.
The thing that seems to bother me is that the more I think about it, the more I think that guys go for girls who expect/demand a lot. For example I have a friend who isn't serious with a guy and she gave out to him for not contacting her for 2 days and he basically told her he'd contact her whenever she wanted once she told him. I have another friend who seems to get angry at her boyfriend for the smallest thing and it seems to make him want her more each time.
In a relationship I don't think I'd stand for being treated badly or being with someone not committed to me. When I say think I mean I haven't been faced with that situation before so I'm only assuming how I would act. That said, is there such a thing as being too nice because over the last few months I've come to realise that guys seem to go for girls who have an "edge" to them.
Just looling for opinions on this as it's something that has been on my mind the past while. I have been told I'm attractive, I'm a nice person with morals and fun to be around. The whole being too nice issue I don't know if I can change but I'd just like some perspective from anyone who wants to give their views.

No one is too nice , we all have our dark sides. I have never met another human about whom I thought, 'oh they could do with being a bit more selfish'.

Let's be honest. We all have our edge.

What will happen is you will meet a nice guy and dump on him and think he is sticking around because of 'your edge' when in reality it is just because of him 'being nice'. Then he will see that it is not healthy and move on.

Stop thinking in terms of the false dichotomy of nice girl vrs bad girl.

And it's ok to show your teeth but when it's necessary. Use your bad side to kick assholes out of your life.

If a guy wants a bitch then let him have the unhealthy drama. And don't assume that because someone does not like you that it is because you are too nice. It is just he was not that into you.

I would not change myself I am unique ...there is no one else like me...really there ain't

If someone does not approve **** em.

There is only one you in the world.

Why change who you are when I am sure who you are is pretty great.

And you are not too 'nice' no one is in reality. We all have a dark side.

Decide what you want and go for it.

Those relationships your friends have do not sound like they would be healthy and your friends sound joyless needy and dissatisfied.

Those men are not at their best and those two people in that relationship are not going to be fully engaged with life. I guarantee in a few years or less they will be spewing drama every which way.

You don't need to fake 'bitch'...we all have it naturally to some extent. Harness it for good.

People do need to feel needed though perhaps placing healthy needs or expressing more of your own wants in a relationship is something you need to do as it is communicating that you like the other person.

No one is too nice...we all have dark spice to us...and life will bring it out naturally at times...your other half will have enough to put up with, without you TRYING to give them stuff.

And don't define yourself in terms of who wants to get with you or what makes people want you.

Ladies with true edge know who they are regardless...

Those girls , your friends are not women with edge ..they sound like scared little girls.

There is nothing wrong with standing up to your partner when you feel you should but be genuine.

You are human...you are going to be selfish naturally..it's like sodium ..you need it ...but it's there usually..you don't need to add salt...
I am a nice girl...I guess...but I guess I am also a bitch sometimes ...we all are.

But I am not going to purposely TRY and be not to people I like anyway I do enough without trying.

Save your warrior edge for when you need your aggression.

But don't try and be miss perfect either that's not healthy.

Don't dump on the next nice guy because of a few dicks. Save it for the next dick you meet ..then it's bitch time..no seriously you don't need to keep repeating a pattern of negative relationships.

I don't understand the logic of 'here is someone I like I am going to be nasty to them'. And someone who would should admit to themselves that maybe they are not as much the 'nice girl' as they think. Don't become the bitter girl. Harness your dark side healthily don't lose yourself to it.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for all the replies on this. It was food for thought reading through them all.
Some of you mentioned the fact that I may be focusing too much on meeting a boyfriend.
I have been single from the last guy since before last Christmas and I have had little or no interest in being with anyone since that because it took a lot out of me. I still don't have much interest in meeting someone but if someone I was interested in came along I'd definitely see where it went.
I guess I have been thinking about relationships in general a bit lately as different situations have arisen among friends whereby it makes me question how they are quite demanding and uneasy when it comes to guys and the guys all seem to make a greater effort and like them even more after the girl brings "issues" to their attention. Then I thought of myself who is generally easy going without being taken for a ride in situations but 99% of the time it's me who ends up being dumped or told "you're really nice but I don't see it going anywhere". One example being where if a guy has to cancel I don't get annoyed and just say to him to let me know when suits to meet again and leave it at that. If he doesn't make the effort the next time well I know then he's not into me. My friends would take exception to this and would "give out" to the guy and say if he didn't make a better effort she'd be ending things. In my group of friends 9 times out of 10 the guy makes a greater effort and things are back to normal very quickly.
I am probably just questioning myself after I was basically told I was "too nice" and I have been thinking maybe acting the way my friends act seems to be the way to go and developing more of an "edge" It's probably a warped view of things but when it's the rule rather than the exception in a group of people it made me wonder.
With both of the guys who really hurt me, there genuinely was no warning things were going to end. They treated me very well up until they ended things and I felt on both sides there was something there. Maybe in some ways it's harder when these type of relationships end as opposed to relationships where there are regular disagreements and tension. It is hard to take when a guy says one week he's mad about you and in daily contact with great dates etc etc and then the next week it's all over. With the last guy being basically told I was "too nice" just made me wonder what is generally defined as "too nice".

IrishEyes19

OP, I can't echo enough what others have said here. I felt the same in the past. I met guys who didn't treat me that great and there was always drama, arguments, something always seemed to happen. I hated it. And they went no-where. I got out of the relationship scene for a while, I dated but didnt want anything. Then I met someone randomly on a night out. He did everything the right way. texted me, asked me out, arranged a date and I was kind of freaked because I was so used to guys setting their own terms and fitting me into their calender rather than it being a mutual interest. We're still together a full year later. I never realised how normal a relationship should feel. This element of drama is not right

My point is, these men and women who indulge in dramatic fights or scenes or treat each other like rubbish are running on drama, not an actual relationship and they wont last. But the right guy is out there. I certainly didnt believe it for a long time. I was so sceptical to the extent I actively cut out any decent men because I felt their lack of drama was a sign it wasnt going to work. How stupid of me.

Take time out for yourself for a while.

LegacyUser

OP,

I didnt have my first serious boyfriend until I was 28. I was the eternally single friend. Random hook ups never turned into anything. I also worried there was something wrong with me.

Then one guy decided I was a keeper. We went on dates, and to be honest I was so happy do have a Boyfriend I kept him too. But it was all on his terms. Being in that 5 year relationship thought me alot. I noticed men hitting on me, and also how easy it was to actually get asked out on dates (of course I didnt cheat on my boyfiend) but I did learn alot about relationships. I thought I was in love, it wasnt perfect but it was better than being alone.

Then one day out of the blue he dumped me. I was devastated. I (and all his friends) thought he was the one lucky to be with me. I was 'an amazing girlfriend' but in the end I was so nice a accommodating because I was in love, but it go me no where. Only 5 years older and alone.

I dusted myself off, and put all I had learned about men into practice. I had learned while in the relationship that men love kind, fun, engaging women. Not boyfriend seekers. Not women on the hunt. That scares them off, as it would turn you off too! I had no shortage of dates. Went on lots of them, and expected nothing but a fun evening, good company, and to visit new places. If we hit it off well and good, if not, no great loss. The point is dont put too much hope into one date. Do get excited about it, but treat it like a bloke. Go on lots of dates, and see where you go from there.

In the end, I met some good guys, some bad guys, I had to let a few down gently, some not so gently, I went out at any opportunity, went to everything that was on, and accepted every invitation. I also realised that some a couple of really nice guys really liked me, but they were just not right for me. I had to let them down and that was hard, and I actually understood the 'its not you its me' line. They will make some girl really happy, but just were not for me. I was overall a very positive person, and that led me to lots of opportunists.

I ended up accepting a date with a guy I would have NEVER considered. He was what I thought was a player, etc, just not my cup of tea. We were out chatting, and he was fun and asked me out. I thought why not! Going with my new found chilled out attitude to dating I thought whats to loose. Sure I'm not doing anything else that evening, and I liked the place he had chosen for food. But more importantly I wasn't expecting anything from the date, other than getting to know someone new, and have some dinner in a nice place. First date was surprising good. (bear in mind I'd been on a few dodgy ones at this stage!)
So we went on a second date. Still good. And he was noting like I had expected. He was kind, considerate, oh so funny, and I was massively attracted to him the more I got to know him. After a month, to my great surprise, he had me hook line and sinker. And 5 years later I am still madly in love with him. As someone says above, Its so easy when its right.

But my story above is to outline my advice. Overall be fun, be engaging, have a life of your own, accept invitations and opportunists from all directions, but dont expect too much from them.

Its not that you are bad at relationships, you just need to meet the right person. You are definitely not 'too nice', that person was just not right for you. You need to find someone what makes YOU happy, not the other way around. And there is nothing as lonely as being in a relationship with the wrong person.
So give yourself a chance, put yourself first. You do the choosing. And have fun while doing it. Good luck, and remember you have your whole life to live, you are so young, with so much fun times ahead of you.

Nichololas

Lou.m wrote: »

You are human...you are going to be selfish naturally..it's like sodium ..you need it ...but it's there usually..you don't need to add salt...

Just posting to say I like this metaphor ..