Am I falling out of love? Am I attracted to this other girl? So confused

LegacyUser

This might be really long and I do apologize, however I am really grateful if you do take the time to read it and give me some sage advice! Though I have a feeling this might turn into a vent and lose it's original point...

Dont know how to start this really but here I go anyways. I have been going out with an amazing woman for the past 2 years. We've traveled the world and have had so much fun together and we really do have a great relationship. We've had our ups and downs, and 2 close calls regarding our future, but in the end we always work as hard as we can on our issues and in the end we always come out stronger. She, being a few years older than me, has been in a lot of relationships. She's been cheated on, emotionally and physically abused, countless flings and meaningless/loveless boyfriends etc, and now that we're together she constantly tells me how I am the perfect man for her, how she's never loved anyone as much as me, how much better and happier with me than she ever has been and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I have always felt the same about her and don't get me wrong, I really do love her with all my heart, and I do want her by me for the rest of my life.

But things have been, well, different lately. I'll give you some backstory and feel totally free to give me your opinion on this. Basically, a year ago we moved together to a new city (dont want to name places in case someone I know reads this and puts 2+2 together!) and one of our friends from where we used to live put is in touch with one of her friends (lets call her D) that lived there. Within a few weeks we were great mates, as if we had known each other for years.

The thing is, I think this woman fancies me. It could just be all in my head though. I have on a few occasions caught her intently staring at me across the room, both drunk and sober (not that that makes a difference I guess). Whenever she wants to hang out or do something, 75% of the time she will get in touch with me instead. One time with my partner, me still oblivious to all of this, and I don't remember the context at all, but I jokingly said something along the lines of "it's because D wants to sleep with me" to which she in full seriousness replied "I wouldn't be surprised if she does". That threw me off guard a bit but I thought nothing of it. But even 4 weeks ago I was on a night out with D and I decided to walk her home because I was tired too. The whole way back she kept thanking me for walking her home and that I should definitely visit her over the summer when she moves home. The rest of the night I felt a bit chuffed with myself and I thought I fancied her a little bit too, but alas, just one of those fleeting moments/feelings that is bound to occur in any long term relationship. Now the other day I was telling my best friend all of this, whose girlfriend put us in touch with D, and he said to me "Yeah, to be honest, whenever she hangs out with us she tends to talk about you a lot. She mentions (my girlfriend) sometimes but the focus is always on you"

The past 2 weeks D has been abroad and I find myself missing her increasingly more and more and I feel like I'm looking forward to her coming home way more than I should be.

All of this, coupled with the fact how in the past few weeks I've realized as much as I love my current partner I find it quite freaky that I am potentially committing myself to one sexual partner for the rest of my life. I mean, I'll be honest, I would like to have sex with other women. I don't want any other partners or companions, I want my girlfriend as my life partner and I want to continue obviously having sexual relations with her but a part of me deep down just CRAVES to - I'll be blunt - fúck other women. I just love the female gender. I love women's faces, their personalities and characters, their bodies, their companionship and friendship, everything! I just love women! My partner once remarked, a bit jealously, at how I have a lot more female friends than other lads tend to.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. The past few weeks I've been feeling confused by all of this and today I went to the bathroom and burst into tears for a while because I realized the past 2 weeks I have been feeling less and less bothered about being with my current partner. I just find it so surreal that I am going to be having sex with just one woman for the rest of my life. Like I said I really DO in the long term want to be with my girlfriend for all my life, there is no one else that suits my personality better, but such a huge part of me just wants to be free and not commit to anyone for a few months and then just go back to my girlfriend. And of course, a huge part of me wants to sleep with D.

I really don't feel I'm explaining myself quite clearly but this post is already so huge and I just have so many mixed feelings about everything. When I came out of the bathroom my partner noticed I was crying and asked me what was wrong and gave me so many hugs and kisses and even that just made me want to cry more. I don't know what to do. I can't just tell her "I think I want to go on a 4 month hiatus, see other women, then go back to you". I can't tell her maybe we should take a break. She would get so confused and upset and she would just keep asking why, what did I do wrong, what happened, etc etc etc. I don't even necessarily WANT to take a break. I just walked into the living room there and she was asleep on the couch, I went over to pick her up and carry her into bed and she mumbled I love you sooo much.

I love you too, I really really do, but I am attracted to other women too. I think. Maybe I'm not and I'm just driving myself crazy. I don't know what to do or say or think anymore. I feel so conflicted about everything. I'm not even sure what exact problems I'm underlining here! I'm sorry for this absolute mess of a post, it's all over the place and I do understand if any concise advice can't be given and that's fine but at this point I think I just need to let some steam out.

I'm considering talking to D but it could go so wrong. Maybe she isn't attracted to me, maybe she is, it would be awkward and damage our friendship either way, but I still can't wait to see her regardless...

Ahhh, I will stop now. I will be happy to clear things up if needs be. Maybe I should just sleep on it. I have a feeling I might get called selfish or greedy and that's fine, if I am so be it and I'm willing to tackle these issues, whatever the hell they are exactly!

Congrats if you made it this far Thanks! (and sorry again...)

Alf. A. Male

The issue here is not whether this other girl may or may not fancy you, she's just a symptom of the fact that for whatever reason you're not committed to your current girlfriend. If you were, there would be no decision to make, no confusion. You might fleetingly enjoy the flattering attentions of another woman, but it wouldn't take hold. Since you're not committed to her and you're showing it by giving serious consideration to being with someone else, can this nonsense of saying you want to be with her for the rest of your life - you don't. This thought you've had of saying you want a break is nonsense. I'd guess you're hoping someone on here will say "yeh, sure, do that and come back to her when you've had your fun", so you can feel validated in your intended infidelity and pretend you've been honest and fair while actually discarding her, getting your leg over, then discarding that one too and going back to the first one, unless you find someone else in the meantime.

And this nonsense of "I just love women" is total bs, that part of your post describes someone who thinks of women in an avaricious way, something to be enjoyed and used at your whim. Couch it what you incorrectly imagine to be admiring, lovely language all you like, but that's still what it is. You had a great time travelling and relocating with your curent girlfriend, but now that reality is setting in you want to find a different one.

If you take off with this new woman, the best that can be said for it is that you deserve each other and it won't last long, you'll both be looking at the exit soon enough instead of looking at how badly you will have treated your current girlfriend. You've written 1300+ words there, all self-centred and self-justifying. Not one word says that your current girlfriend has done a thing wrong; she deserves better than you're giving her.

Lou.m

I am going to be blunt and say you sound like a headwreck.

I find you obsessed with every detail of your own personality and sexuality to the point of pretentiousness and honestly extreme boredom.

You are no where near as important to this other woman as you seem to think you are. A lot of this is all in your head.

You seem a histrionic and dramatic personality type. Which is fine i am sure it gives you a rich inner life. You have constructed this whole story in your head when really it is all in your head.

You can't have it both ways...either you want more sexual freedom or you want a serious partner. Perhaps it is time to break up with the partner for you.

But either **** or get off the pot.

You could talk about an open relationship but they never really work.

The thing is the image you have constructed of yourself is not real, it is easy to admire lots of women and imagine they are available to you when you are in a relationship. But the idea that women are going to throw themselves at you freely because you love the female gender is not realistic. Women are individuals. But if you were single and playing the field..you would find every woman having needs maybe different to your girlfriend but they would be there. What I am saying is ...you have one woman...who has certain needs which scare you...but if you walk into a room with ten women ...you have ten women but they all have needs and feelings too and that is a lot more to content with.

If you feel you want different romantic experiences at this point in your life you can either tell GF and see if she is open to dating other people and bear in mind you will be dealing with her sleeping with other men.

Or you could maybe break up with her and accept that you can't ask her to wait around. You would also have to accept you don't have a realistic view of a single life and seem a little delusional about the female gender. Contrary to what you might think we are not stupid.

Or you can commit to the partner you have. Although I don't think that is the best option.

You are going to create a lot of pointless drama for people if you keep on like this and if you go on with women like this you will rightly earn yourself a reputation as a drama headwreck.

Either you want to be with one women or you would like to play the field. You can try the open relationship thing but it rarely flies. But be honest and don't go talking to other women about affairs while still in a relationship.

You sound like you are afraid that if you leave the GF the other women might not want you and you are stuck. Well yeah...and that says you see one of these women as second best.

You admit she might not even be attracted to you. Your own narcissism could potentially bit you in your own behind if you let it. You are a person equal to everyone else. You are not above normal rules and morals.



You need to say to the GF you want to see other people if that is what you want but accept the fact that you cannot always have the benefits of the GF without the commitment.

Neither the female gender or the male gender as a whole is going to fawn over one. In other words .. I mean this as nicely as possible ..get over yourself. And don't **** on people who have been decent to you because you have this grandiose image of yourself.

Snatchy

The above response is harsh in my opinion.

Quite frankly, I know how you feel, OP. I think I have the exact same issue as you - I love being with women and have a lot of female friends. Like you, I admire everything about them, their looks, faces, voices, their company, intelligence etc. etc. I am always enthused and much more charismatic when meeting new women than I normally am when meeting men. I genuinely think that an encounter with a woman I had not met previously sets off a sort of chemical reaction in my body/brain.

I have dated two women back-to-back in the last 9 months (4 months and 5 months respectively) and I broke up with both not because there was anything wrong with them (both were great!) or the relationship I had with them but because:

- I simply wasn't committed enough to either (the one point to take away from the above post) but BECAUSE;

- no matter how "suited" to me and how good looking etc. etc., I was (and still am) terrified of the prospect of spending the rest of my life with one woman. I don't feel good about that but it is what it is - I'm not sure how to change it.

Every girlfriend I've had (10+ in total) has always been great to me and I, undeserving of her because I inevitably would always get to the stage where I would very consciously take pleasure in flirting with other women and although I've never cheated on anyone, the flirting would ultimately generate enough guilt in me to make the decision to break up with the woman I was seeing at that time. And each time I ended a relation, I have felt so very liberated.

I am still 26 (OP, how old are you?) so my view is that perhaps one day, someone will come along and change me forever but until that day, I shall remain el liberos. And maybe, just maybe, I'll remain alone in perpetuity. That way I could be like Leonard Cohen - many lovers, many passionate encounters, never the "eternal knot". Some people are just like that...

The other key message is, don't hurt this girl that you're with. Be honest with her. You probably don't love her as much as you think you do. Just break up with her and enjoy your single life.

Good luck with it.

Addle

I'm considering talking to D

Have some respect for your girlfriend.
Talk to her before anyone else.

LegacyUser

Reality is men in relationships still want to **** other women, and most will have some degree of "regret" about the fact that being in a relationship means that can't really happen, regardless of how great relationship or person in it is or how much you love them. This can be a hard thing for men admit sometimes, even to themselves, because it make you feel guilty as there is constant barrage of Disney movie type make believe along lines of "If you love someone you never want sex with other people", and so it make you feel guilty because it make you doubt your love despite all evidence to contrary, but it's truth. It's a bitter sweet thing, knowing you want to and get to spend rest of your life with someone you love but also knowing this means you no longer be able to have sex with anyone else. So don't feel guilty. Or don't worry this thing on it's own means you're falling out of love with your girlfriend. It doesn't. It just means you're a human man like the rest of us.

Monogamy doesn't come naturally for men. It's sacrifice we make in order to be with one we love. Often very big and difficult sacrifice to make. You just have to ask yourself, "Do I love this girl enough to make that sacrifice?". If you do then you have to make things easier on yourself for making this sacrifice, not harder. And spending lot of time with girl you find attractive and that you know wants **** you is just making things harder for no reason. Is like someone with sweet tooth that wants to stay slim taking job in sweet shop. Don't make things harder for no reason.

Also keeping sexual side of things in your relationship fresh and interesting and ever changing with your girlfriend can make things easier. So be proactive and take lead in this.

Hope some help. Kind regards.

PhiloCypher

People always seem to think the grass is greener somewhere else, my mate being one of them. He'd been dating this lovely girl for 3 years but she was a quite enough girl and we wouldn't see her out with him that much. In the last year tho it had become apparent to us(and him) that one of the girls in the group really fancied him. So for months they flirt(only flirt far as I know) to the point we're close to telling him to **** or get off the pot, either break up with his GF or let our girl mate down easy. He eventually decides on the former and embarks on a relationship with our mate, it lasted all of 2 months the reality of a relationship together didn't match the romantic notions they had built up in their heads. The chase over he lost interest and was unwilling to compromise his lifestyle to accommodate her, a trait she had blinded herself too but that he had been pretty honest about.

What I'm saying OP is don't ruin a good thing for the sake of a fling with someone whose romantic notions of you you likely have no chance of matching.

King Bernard

OP you need to spend a few years just having sex with lots of women, otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life frustrated and regretful. Either agree to an open relationship or break up. Either way you need to have sex with lots of women, its in your DNA, it's what your body wants you to do, you'll be miserable in time if you don't.

Mr. Incognito

Firstly mate. Have a hug.

This place can give great advice but it's a harsh forum. As soon as someone mentions the THOUGHT of Infidelity they say dump your partner. It's naive of particular posters and shows a lack of experience and reality.

Now, brass tax.
All relationships go through stages. The start is honeymoon. Gushing and fireworks and puppies and euphoria. That can come back at various times if you spice it up but it can't last forever. We, and ladies raised from a young age on a diet of Walt Disney tend to hop to the next partner when it wears off.

Secondly, being attracted to other people, even in a loving relationship is NORMAL. Wanting to sleep with other people is also NORMAL. It's what sells lads mags and why Beckham can flog crap to women. The dilemma you are having is confusing these feelings. You are beating yourself up over normal urges.

Love isn't having a iron constitution having ones love trump desire. If so it would be easy to be faithful. A cinch. Love is sacrifice. It's sacrificing your freedom and time, and desires and selfish wants for the benefit of your partner, your relationship and in time your kids. And what you get in return is love back. And that's a great deal. You actually get back what you give. If you give nothing, that's what you get back. It's the bucket with a hole in it. You need to keep topping it up with kindness, and doing things for others and it can bring you intense satisfaction recommitting to your partner.

And that's what people don't understand. They stand back and say what do I get? What's in it for me. I'm not happy.

They should say, is my partner happy. What can I do for them today. What will cheer them up. And they bloom as a result.

This other girl is a symptom of that. A personification. What can she do for you. When will my ego boost be home. She will tell me how great and wonderful I am.
It's all a fallacy my friend. There is always something or someone prettier, or younger, or more fun. But it's not real. It's a honeymoon and the euphoria will wear off again and you are back to square one.

You want my advice, start living for your partner for a while. You sound like you have a good thing going. It might be that this is actually news to you. It was to me. I was thirty before I ever figured it out.

Snatchy

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Firstly mate. Have a hug.

This place can give great advice but it's a harsh forum. As soon as someone mentions the THOUGHT of Infidelity they say dump your partner. It's naive of particular posters and shows a lack of experience and reality.

Now, brass tax.
All relationships go through stages. The start is honeymoon. Gushing and fireworks and puppies and euphoria. That can come back at various times if you spice it up but it can't last forever. We, and ladies raised from a young age on a diet of Walt Disney tend to hop to the next partner when it wears off.

Secondly, being attracted to other people, even in a loving relationship is NORMAL. Wanting to sleep with other people is also NORMAL. It's what sells lads mags and why Beckham can flog crap to women. The dilemma you are having is confusing these feelings. You are beating yourself up over normal urges.

Love isn't having a iron constitution having ones love trump desire. If so it would be easy to be faithful. A cinch. Love is sacrifice. It's sacrificing your freedom and time, and desires and selfish wants for the benefit of your partner, your relationship and in time your kids. And what you get in return is love back. And that's a great deal. You actually get back what you give. If you give nothing, that's what you get back. It's the bucket with a hole in it. You need to keep topping it up with kindness, and doing things for others and it can bring you intense satisfaction recommitting to your partner.

And that's what people don't understand. They stand back and say what do I get? What's in it for me. I'm not happy.

They should say, is my partner happy. What can I do for them today. What will cheer them up. And they bloom as a result.

This other girl is a symptom of that. A personification. What can she do for you. When will my ego boost be home. She will tell me how great and wonderful I am.
It's all a fallacy my friend. There is always something or someone prettier, or younger, or more fun. But it's not real. It's a honeymoon and the euphoria will wear off again and you are back to square one.

You want my advice, start living for your partner for a while. You sound like you have a good thing going. It might be that this is actually news to you. It was to me. I was thirty before I ever figured it out.

Brilliant post.

Potatoeman

What is the age difference? You mention she has had many partners too. Do you think that you are missing out by settling down with someone that has already had their flings? That she is more prepared to settle down now than you?

LegacyUser

Potatoeman wrote: »

What is the age difference? You mention she has had many partners too. Do you think that you are missing out by settling down with someone that has already had their flings? That she is more prepared to settle down now than you?

Yes. She's 27 and I'm 23. I've only had 3 relationships in my life, including her. The other 2 have been at least 3 years, so I do feel like I'm missing out. I'm a "serial monogamist" as my girlfriend sometimes calls me lol! I've had random one night stands in between but that's it really. Like I said, the thought of settling down so early scares me.

Everyone else thanks a million for your advice. I felt like a complete twonk after posting it and avoided checking this thread out of embarrassment. I figured I would get called histronic and self-centered but so be it!

I think I might need some time away, too, even just for a week, which is something she'd obviously understand. She keeps asking me to do things today like go for a swim etc but I keep vaguely saying maybe or we'll see etc because I just want to be alone, I don't know how to really tell her "I don't want to spend the day with you despite the fact you're an amazing woman who has done absolutely nothing wrong". It's annoying, because every few hours I seem to completely explode with love for her and treat her like a queen then suddenly all of this resurfaces and I start acting distant (the sporadic acting distant is something she's noticed too).

I am quite nervous about seeing this other lady soon but Mr Incongnito you seem to have hit the nail on the head (thanks for your wisdom by the way!). It's going to be difficult not seeing her since she's known my best friends girlfriend for 15+ years, that in addition to the fact we ourselves are now friends but I really just have to swallow it and accept it's my lad talking and not me. Doesn't mean we can't be friends in the end and I can still enjoy her lovely company.

Anyways, let's hope I don't have to come back to this thread. I do think after this weekend I will go to my mothers house for a few days though. I feel like a bad person because I'm not treating my girlfriend the way she deserves to be, especially since she's so caring about me, so some space and perspective on life will get that in order.

You may or may not hear from me again... hopefully not Thanks again!