Rotting With Guilt

LegacyUser

I'd been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years when one night in a club I drunkenly kissed a stranger. Nobody else saw and I kept it to myself. For a while I felt like all was well, I actually thought our relationship had got stronger as I was putting in more effort on account of feeling so guilty and the thought of what I could have lost. However, at the start of this year I began to feel unhappy-too young to be in an intense relationship like ours, feeling like I was missing out etc. I'm so ashamed of this but I signed up to a dating site and went on a date despite still being in a relationship, whilst also chatting to numerous guys. Nothing happened during the date, no kissing, just me feeling like a fool. A week later I couldn't hack it any longer and I broke up with my bf, he was devastated and couldn't understand. I never told him anything about the cheating/dating site.

Since then some time has passed and I've been seeing my ex almost weekly, by his choice. I suggested we take a clean break from each other for a while but he said he wanted to remain close friends. We still have a great friendship, but I'm still riddled with guilt and feel like the worst person in the world for doing this to him. I can also see clearly that he's living in hope that I'm going to turn around and go back to him, which right now is the last thing I want.

Also as I'm anon for this, I've been seeing a guy from the dating site for the past few months since we've broken up and he doesn't know about it. I really like the new guy however if my ex found out it would crush him.

I feel so trapped in this situation and I fully realise that I'm the one in the wrong and it's not fair to my ex who I consider one of my dearest friends. The reality is that I just see him as my friend and nothing more, I don't see a future with him. I'm half tempted to come clean but I know that's me easing my own conscience. I just don't know what to do.

CaraMay

Stop seeing him. Tell him you need a clean break and stick to it.

Alf. A. Male

Sounds like it would do you no harm to be on your own for a while and when you start seeing someone again, don't overlap relationships.

Peanut2011

OP, the best for him would be if you cut contact and stop leading him on. I know you are not doing anything to tell him there is a future but the fact that you know he is still clinging on hope there might be you are doing him more damage now than what you did with that kiss and all the things that are eating you alive!

For his sake, brake it of fully and 2-3 years down the line when he has moved on you might be friends, right now you are just giving him false sense!

Katgurl

My advice is to put the cheating out of your head, coming clean would only benefit your burdened conscience.

Now your ex; you felt the relationship was too intense and now he's not accepting your decision to end it, dressing it up as friendship. I'm sorry but you have every right to terminate a relationship, even more so as you're young, not married, no kids.

You need to tell him firmly (a letter / email might work here) that you have not changed your mind & won't, you see no future for the pair of you, would have liked to be friends but under the circumstances don't think it's possible now and are cutting contact as you want to move on with your life.

Then you need to stick to it.

Youve broken up with him, you're dating someone else. You need to get behind those decisions.

DontKnowWhatToDo

DontKnowWhatToDo wrote: »

I'm still riddled with guilt and feel like the worst person in the world for doing this to him.

You were in a relationship that you decided you no longer wanted to be in. So you ended that relationship. In that at least there is nothing to feel guilty about. It was a mature and adult decision. Many people feel guilt at being the instigator of a break up - but needlessly so. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Drawing out a relationship you do not want to actually be in - THAT would be something to be guilty about.

DontKnowWhatToDo wrote: »

I can also see clearly that he's living in hope that I'm going to turn around and go back to him, which right now is the last thing I want.

Then you need to make this clear to him. You indicated you want to retain this guy as a friend. So start treating him as one. For example what would you normally do with a friend when you find a guy who you have started dating and really like? You would tell your friend this.

But because of your relationship past you are now NOT telling him this. So on one hand you want to keep this guy as a friend. On the other hand you are not actually treating him like one and you are maintaining his false hopes of a relationship reuniion.

This has to stop. At some point you will enter into a relationship and this guy will know about it. The best thing is that he realises the reality sooner rather than later and anything you do to fuel his false hopes is drawing out the situation longer than needs be - for him to then move on and concentrate on exploring the romantic aspects of his own private life with someone new.

You say it will crush him if he finds out. That is sad - but the reality is this will happen sooner or later. Better sooner before he invests any more in an already long lost cause. Your attempts to protect him in the short term will likely only increae his hurt in the long term.

As for "coming clean" - as I said I strongly recommend you come clean about the current reality. Coming clean about your past indiscretions of failures in the relationship you are no longer in - I see little utility in this at this point. I would just let those bits go.

Merkin

I think you're behaving terribly.

You're leading your ex on by seeing him weekly under false pretenses. You say that it's of his own volition which sounds like a pretty flimsy get-out-jail-free card because if you say he is instigating all the meetings then you are blameless (from your own perspective anyway).

You're also seeing someone new and I'm making the assumption that your regular meetings with your pining ex are clandestine in nature?

I think you probably need to stop seeing both of these men and spend some time alone.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all your replies.

I had a chat with my ex on Friday and told him that although I'm happy to be friends with him, I think we need a clean break and maybe in the future we can consider meeting up and becoming friends again. As I expected he was hurt by this but in fairness by the end of the conversation he seemed to come around to the idea a little. I did also tell him that I'm seeing other people.

It's going to be strange not speaking to him for a long stretch but I agree that it's what both of us need.

Thanks again