New to dating world

LegacyUser

I'm a little new to the dating world.

I'm in my late twenties. I was in a long term relationship which turned really toxic. It took a lot out of me. I was denied so much in the relationship. Now that I'm out of it, I'm happy, healthy and i'm excited about the prospect of meeting new people.

I've taken my time before getting back out to meet people. I've been to counselling. I wanted to make sure I was ok before letting someone in again.

A few months back I went on a date with a guy. We got on really well. He got onto me a few days later to say he didn't want to take things further which was cool with me. I was a little upset but i knew emotionally I wasn't ready. I remember being really upset the day after the date just because it was a big step after my past relationship. now I can see how i just wasn't ready.

Subsequently, I have been talking to the guy - he brought us up and said he didn't think things would work out cause i seemed like the girlfriend type. I didn't really know what to make of it - i assume he meant that he doesn't want a relationship.

i'm not really sure what i want. I don't know if I'm ready for a full on relationship but it would be nice to get to know someone i like and see how things go!

There has been a energy between us recently and i do think he still likes me and is interested despite his initial reaction. I really don't think i would be writing this if there was nothing coming from his side.

I guess my question is despite the fact that i do think we are both interested in each other and have feelings. do i just ignore it and move on?

I'm really sorry if this is confusing. After such a long time with one person and when things went really pear shaped, I am being really careful about any moves i make and mindful of the consequences. Also just getting to know the dating world and how that works.

Taltos

OK OP to translate.

Him:
Does not want a relationship.
Just wants some no strings sex.
Will drop you like a hot potato when someone else comes along.

But - he is being upfront (ish) with you and so will feel no guilt whatsoever.

You:
If you were that fragile after breaking up how do you think the above will hit you?
Personally I would be concerned for you. He has been clear that this isn't going to go anywhere so you wanting to see where it goes, well...

I think you might need to work on you a little more. Figure out what you want and be clear to others. Learn to read between the lines but be confident in yourself to make the right choice. If you just want no strings sex with this guy then great, if though you have feelings - then not so good.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OK OP to translate.

Him:
Does not want a relationship.
Just wants some no strings sex.
Will drop you like a hot potato when someone else comes along.

But - he is being upfront (ish) with you and so will feel no guilt whatsoever.

You:
If you were that fragile after breaking up how do you think the above will hit you?
Personally I would be concerned for you. He has been clear that this isn't going to go anywhere so you wanting to see where it goes, well...

I think you might need to work on you a little more. Figure out what you want and be clear to others. Learn to read between the lines but be confident in yourself to make the right choice. If you just want no strings sex with this guy then great, if though you have feelings - then not so good.

Ok, cool! This I understand!

Thanks for your post.

I like him, he's a bit of fun but I never was the 'no strings attached' type and I don't think right now is the best time to start given the year I've had

macplato

Just in addition to what Taltos said, OP - when someone tells you what they want, believe them. Too often when feelings are involved we look for clues that the person didn't mean what they said, we analyse their behaviour and wonder - this never, ever ends well.

The guy said that he didn't think things were going to work out between you - this is a very clear message, when you think of it. You may be tempted to think: "What if he didn't really mean it?", but the thing is, people whose behaviour doesn't match their words are not mature enough to be in a relationship anyway, so trying to figure them out is a massive waste of time and energy. People spend weeks, months or years being frustrated, stuck and emotionally insecure, just because they didn't believe what they were told the first time.

I've learned this - if somebody consistently confuses me, I stop giving them any attention. Life is so much simpler and more satisfying that way.

Merkin

newtodatingworld wrote: »

A few months back I went on a date with a guy. We got on really well. He got onto me a few days later to say he didn't want to take things further which was cool with me.

As is my mantra on PI/RI, if you listen hard enough to someone, they will tell you exactly what is on their minds. And this guy has. In light of the date he categorically told you that he didn't want to take things any further. So any behavior subsequent to that is incidental. As Taltos points out, this guy is clearly not looking for anything and you still seem a little fragile, don't kid yourself into thinking this could be something more when he has clearly stated otherwise. I wouldn't bother with him seeing as you're obviously looking for something more than what he is prepared to offer.

dannyc31

There has been a energy between us recently and i do think he still likes me and is interested despite his initial reaction. I really don't think i would be writing this if there was nothing coming from his side

OP please dont confuse this with genuine interest in having a relationship with you all of a sudden. he is a man, and if he feels something can develop to lead to him getting you into bed without hurting you or without you thinking there's more to it than just a fling, he is going to pursue that avenue.

you said you're not the "no strings attached" type. he's said you seem like the girlfriend type i.e.the opposite to what he wants, all = not compatible.

move on because you'll just end up getting hurt if you go there.

otnomart

If I were you, I would try and meet different people. I think this guy is playing into your mind only because he is the first you met after your break-up. There are so many people out there. And dating should be fun.
Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the kind advice.

It's helping make sense of it. I think I needed it a little clearer in my head before I move on.

Totally right, this guy is playing on my mind because he is the first and just cause there is a little chemistry doesn't mean it has to lead anywhere!!

These are all basic things I just need to get used to because right now I haven't really got a clue will get there though!!

Lou.m

He has stated that he does not want a girlfriend. He has made it clear that he does not want to see you as a girlfriend.

You have both stated you are the girlfriend type. You are not compatible.

He will take an opportunity to have sex if he can. He will feel he has been honorable since he has just said it to you. But he is still not considering your feelings. He will lead you on.

I am like you I am I guess the girlfriend type. You just have to respect that he and you want different things.

And remember no matter how much you wow him in the bedroom that is not going to change what he wants. A lot of girls make that mistake.

Date a new guy who is looking for what you are and wow him in the bedroom :-)

I've learned this - if somebody consistently confuses me, I stop giving them any attention. Life is so much simpler and more satisfying that way.

I learnt this a few years ago. It is SO true.

Taltos and the other posters have given very good advice.

He does not want to see how things go he knows what he wants and what he does not want. He does not want a relationship.

He is not interested in you...he is interested in sex.....and very likely sex with women in general....

DannyC31 said

OP please dont confuse this with genuine interest in having a relationship with you all of a sudden. he is a man, and if he feels something can develop to lead to him getting you into bed without hurting you or without you thinking there's more to it than just a fling, he is going to pursue that avenue.

Yep I put this quote in bold.