Estranged family

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start really or what I am looking for from this. I just feel the need to get all this out of my system as it is breaking my heart, I feel totally alone at the moment. I posted here before trying to see if anyone would know how to attempt to trace a half sibling whereby you only had a vague idea they existed in the first place, didn't know their surname or exact date of birth. I had no luck obviously at the time, didn't know where to start. However now I think I may have found my half sibling on Facebook. I am 99% sure. Obviously I haven't messaged them or requested friendship or anything like that nor do I have any intention to. I don't want to bother them and invade their life. They look very happy and well rounded from what I can tell so that has made me happy. But the fact remains that I am absolutely and completely heartbroken over having a sibling I have never met, that I have missed out on their entire childhood, that I may never even know. We are strangers. I am finding it devastating if I am honest. I don't know why it has hit me like a tonne of bricks in the past year or so but it certainly has. I lie awake at night sometimes crying over it, that I have a sibling I never met, wondering what their life is like, if we will ever know each other...I am estranged from my family so that is how the situation occurred in the first place.

This half sibling is in contact with my extended family it seems, as they are friends with my estranged extended family online. As horrendous and childish and this sounds, I can't help but wonder - why did they keep my half sibling in their lives and not me? Does my half sibling have a relationship with my parent? Contact was severed in my childhood due to abuse - were they abused also? I am disgusted with myself for even thinking this - but if they are still in contact with my parent as I can see from Facebook they may possibly be - and are in contact with my relatives - if they weren't also abused, which I would be utterly utterly glad of that they escaped...but what does that mean about me? Why me only? I feel awful for wondering things like this but my head is just wrecked.

I just feel like their is a hole in my life. I miss family. I miss my extended family, there are cousins I have never met. It just feels so lonely. I have amazing friends which I am so glad of, but the pain of not having contact with my family is so hard.

Am I as alone in this as I feel?

Rubberchikken

You feel lonely and left out looking at the lives of family you are estranged from and it is sad and it has to hurt.

I can empathise with you in having half sisters, i have 3. 1 i've never met and two that i've met twice.
I actually know very little about them and i've never been interested in facebk so i dont know what's going on in their lives.

What i'm trying to say is if you could focus on your own life instead of spending too much time on fb.
Take care

Avasa

As someone in quite a similar situation to this, no you are not alone in how you feel.

It is so hard to go through life without any family support, particurally when this is due to abuse. We dont have the comfort of knowing there is a safe family home we can turn to for comfort. No parental type to make us dinner when we are down or sick, with the fond memories it seems to stir for others. No matter how old an adult child gets, people always turn to their parents for advice or their experience when dealing with situations and daily life (relationships, marriage, children, career, mortgage). When we have taken the necessary and self preserving step to cut contact with abusive family, there is no adult/adult child relationship where we can ask for advice or experience. This takes a huge toll on us and can be a huge source of stress which can add to depression.

It sounds as if you are worried about upsetting your half sibling, but that it would alleviate some of your suffering if you were to at least make contact and possibly find the answer to some of your questions. They may not want to speak with you, but have you thought of the posibility that they may be feeling similar to you?

I wouldnt recommend repeatady trying to contact someone if they have stated that they wish no further contact, but one message would not do any harm. Try not to go into details about the past, or speak from an emotional point of view. This might be too overwhelming for the both of you. A simple message stating who you are and that you would be interested in meeting up for a cuppa gives your half sibling the chance to decided if they would like to initiate a relationship with you.

With regards to lying awake at night crying, have you thought about counselling? It might help to talk about how you are feeling and moving forward after a tough upbringing.

IvyTheTerrible

I can't add much to the good advise that has been given so far, but I will just share this. My mother-in-law (aged 65) has a half-sibling that was cut off from the "real" family for years. She initiated contact about 5 years ago, and slowly they have built up a real relationship. Of course it's difficult but I just wanted you to know that it's never too late to get in touch.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the kind words, it helps a lot. I was having a bad night with everything playing on my mind. I have been to counselling and didn't get a huge amount out of it, I felt it helped me deal with some things from the past and not blame myself but didn't help how I felt day to day about my current life and the way I am estranged from my family. It's not that I dwell on it constantly, but at the same time it comes up every now and then, this abject sense of loneliness particularly recently for some reason, and I just feel sick to my stomach that I didn't know my sibling as a child, wasn't there for them growing up and all of that. Ivy your words comforted me that it is never too late, and who knows what might happen in our lives, perhaps we will be able to connect at some stage. I have made some enquiries to get a few counselling sessions again to see if it will help. x