Consumed with regret

Molly999

About 1.5 years ago I left my good well paid job to take up a position with another company. I thought it was a step up from the job I had in terms of title, money, opportunities etc. How wrong was I. It turned out to be the worst mistake of my life and I ended up leaving after 5 months. At the same time, I got the opportunity to buy an amazing apartment at a knock down price from a family friend. But of course I couldn’t take him up on his offer as I was unemployed and therefore couldn't get a mortgage.
So I am now 41, finally back in permanent employment but earning less than I was 2 years ago, and still renting (with very little hope that I will ever be able to buy). I am totally consumed by regret in relation to the decision I made to move jobs. I am suffering from extreme anxiety and finding it very difficult to function on a daily basis. How do I forgive myself and move on ?

Irishcrx

Hi Molly,

I know a few people that this has happened too, ie they've left good jobs with the promise of a better position that never materialised for them. In fact it happened to me as well a few years ago. I left a good position to join another company with promise of a better position and I ended up on less money and working in a post room which was degrading for me. I was consumed by guilt, worry , depression and anger. But I had to pick myself up and move on , get out and look for another opportunity because I valued myself and my skills.

I know it's very hard but you just have to roll with it now and leave the past in the past. We make decisions everyday , some small and some large and as they say 'Fortune favours the brave' sometimes these decisions go against us but hopefully in the long run you can look back on it and say it led you somewhere better in the end.

You still have a lot of time to change that, If you feeling really down I'd suggest talking to someone about it be it a counselor or a career guide. Best of luck.

stickybookmark

Molly, counselling is very good for dealing with regrets and learning how to let go of stuff and move on. So that would be my first advice to go for counselling.

You will need to find some kind of peace with the life that you have now. You only get one life, so it's up to you; are you going to spend it consumed by regret about a past which you cannot go back and change, or are you going to try and make a go of the rest of your life and enjoy it to the max? That is completely up to you, because unfortunately there's no fairy godmother to wave a magic wand and put you back 1.5 years so you could make different decisions.

Everybody has regrets, and it's easy to allow ourselves to wallow in regret and get stuck there. But it's no use, nothing can come of it. The past cannot be changed and the future is what we make it! You have a permanent job now which is great, things are on the up. Banks are also starting to lend again (although if you live in Dublin I can understand your concern at current house prices rising) and banks love people with permanent jobs. You'd never know, you might be able to buy your own place in a few years time. Or you might meet someone that has their own place! We never know what is around the corner for us. All we can do is be positive and open to good things happening.

Stavro Mueller

I'm sorry to hear what happened but there is absolutely nothing to be gained by beating yourself up over decisions you made in the past. You can't change what happened in the last few years but you can do something about your future. I notice from your post that the apartment was offered to you in or around when you were quitting the job you hated. You'd not have been able to quit that job as easily because you'd a mortgage.

You say you're suffering from extreme anxiety. Have you gone to your GP to get help for this? If not, please go as soon as possible and get the help that you need. I know you're in a very dark hole at the moment and regretting what happened about the job/apartment is rubbing salt into the wounds. Please try to get better.

When you're feeling better, start looking around for another job. You might be able to get one that pays better than the one you're working at now. You could look at upskilling or getting a second job for a while. There are always options out there. You just need to be in the state of mind to seize the opportunities.

Rubberchikken

Regrets are so pointless and i'll bet you realise that but it must be very hard to look back and see things that if they'd been done differently would have yielded different results. But thats life really.
You made decisions at the time that were right for you at the time so you have nothing to regret .

Stavro Mueller

I thought your username rang a bell so I went back a page or two. I'm sorry to read about how lonely you are and how you've not had any luck to date with GPs, psychiatrists etc. Maybe it might be worth trying other professionals.

If you're feeling as low as you are, it's not going to make a blind bit of difference whether you're in an apartment you own or one you rent. Once the novelty of buying your own place wears off it'd be back to "same old, same old" again. In the short term what'd help you a lot is to try those meetups and make some friends. My guess is that because your life's a bit empty and you've not got people to turn to, you've got too much time to think about what could've been. You're driving yourself crackers over a situation which was mostly out of your control.

4Sticks

Molly the story of your life is still unfolding. All experiences can guide and educate us even the unhappy or unpleasant ones. It's good you reach out for help , it shows you are smart. Seek it out "in real life" too.

Everything will be ok.

thefeatheredcat

As someone who has looked back with a lot of regret and been consumed with it..... don't let yourself go down that road. It's really not worth it. As others have said, you'll gain nothing from it in holding onto that regret and the only way of resolving the conflict of how you feel is by working through it.

Look at things differently. You had the courage to take a chance on a position that may have been better... and it didn't work out. You lost out on what might have been an amazing opportunity on an apartment... but remember, that was from a family friend and there's always a risk on overlooking detail you might otherwise be meticulous about and being over trusting with a family friend that they could be selling you a dud with shiny wrapping paper. You could end up thanking the situation you were in in not buying it afterall, for all anyone knows it may not have been as great as you might have thought eager to get property at the time and you might have been badly stung or taken advantage of by this family friend by your eagerness in being rushed through or pushed into getting it. You have got back to employment, perhaps it is not as well paying as your previous job, but that can change in promotions or changing jobs. That is something you have an ability to change and have control over. But the past? You can't change that.

There is good is where you are though. You still have opportunities ahead of you, such as a better paying job, a property you can take time looking for and can expand on what you really want for yourself.

Some mistakes I've made actually have turned out to have been, in the end, the best things I ever did. I have wallowed on the mistakes and you know suddenly it was like I finally started to see something different in them, and seen the benefit of how things did turn out. Maybe you won't see that immediately but you will in the future. Your path in life was altered from what you had envisaged for yourself, by a decision that you have taken responsibility for and beaten yourself up over enough of. Now you have to embrace the path you are on and make the most of it. And you are. You are addressing a problem in your life by asking for help to deal with it, and maybe others if you have indeed posted on other matters here. And that is an incredibly positive aspect of this new part of your life on the altered path. Maybe you will make changes in your life that will be for the better for you, some may have been overdue, some you may never have otherwise done had you not taken the chance on the other position and had you not bought that apartment. You are, really, in a way, allowing yourself a different life experience than perhaps your life would have allowed before and that can only give you wisdom and knowledge and a lot of strength.

Maybe you won't see the value of what has happened and what you are experiencing now, but you will in the near future.

Time Now Please

Molly999 wrote: »

About 1.5 years ago I left my good well paid job to take up a position with another company. I thought it was a step up from the job I had in terms of title, money, opportunities etc. How wrong was I. It turned out to be the worst mistake of my life and I ended up leaving after 5 months. At the same time, I got the opportunity to buy an amazing apartment at a knock down price from a family friend. But of course I couldn’t take him up on his offer as I was unemployed and therefore couldn't get a mortgage.
So I am now 41, finally back in permanent employment but earning less than I was 2 years ago, and still renting (with very little hope that I will ever be able to buy). I am totally consumed by regret in relation to the decision I made to move jobs. I am suffering from extreme anxiety and finding it very difficult to function on a daily basis. How do I forgive myself and move on ?

I am not trying to be smart here, but if that's the worse mistake you ever have made in your life then you are not doing so bad, worse things have happened to people, ok so you fcuked up a little, it's not the end of the world, move on and learn from this experience, half the battle is that you are still in employment.

Diane Selwyn

Hi Molly
I also think you should be applauded for taking the chance on changing your job - it can be a very tough decision especially over the past few years. BUT if you hadn't left that job voluntarily you may have had your salary reduced or been moved sideways to another position or had an unpleasant manager or any number of issues so there is no point looking back on it as some ideal scenario because the only certainty is that you would not have wanted to stay there indefinitely.
A few years ago I did a some sessions with a career guidance counsellor (or 'career change coach') mainly for help with interviews as I hadn't done one for years but he was really very helpful in making me see how I was limiting my options by sticking with jobs I knew I could do that were not necessarily going to challenge me - not your exact issue but maybe a review of your plan for the future is what you need and will give you something positive to act on.
Best of luck with it!

dellas1979

Hi Molly,
I was like cymbaline too. I was like "hey thats molly who posted before".

Molly, my advice to you from the first time you posted still stands - you honestly need to learn how to let go of things. How to live in the present. And stop worrying about the future.

Its all connected. Have you even tried mindfulness that was suggested last time? You are not going to wake up one morning and everything magically fall into place. That is something you have to work on, yourself.