new guy

rcarroll

Just looking for some feedback on a new guy I'm sort of seeing. Been out with him every weekend last 3 weeks, he's into the same hobby as me and we've gone for drinks and back to mine after. I knew he'd a girlfriend and at the beginning we were just meeting to hang out in group situations though I did fancy him. I'd broken up with a guy 3mths previous so wasn't thinking of anything really. Anyhow, one night he tells me he wants to kiss me, he also explains he's in an open relationship (her choice) and it went from there.

He's been texting me every day, came over to cook and look after me one day this week when I was sick. I don't know though if he sees this as more than sex or not - he's a very kind and open person and is very chatty with everyone...he did try to have sex with me when I was sick though...

Thing is I'm not sure what to do. I didn't want to get into anything with anyone yet...the last guy couldn't handle that I wanted to take the next step and commit and he ran...I'm very sore still and scared of getting rejected again. I also like having my space and time to myself and making my own plans...I'm afraid if I start a relationship I'll get lost in it again....He does make my heart skip though and I like the feeling of him being interested in me.

He's a very good person, helps his mam a lot, his friends, loves kids, kind, generous.....if this goes further though I'm not sure he's a good match....He hasn't had a steady job in a few years, works part-time at a shop and does odd jobs here and there. He's also living with his mom instead of his own place and he's 37 years old. I'm almost 30 and would love a family in the next few years..he's mentioned he'd love kids too. His girlfriend doesn't and I overheard him talking with a friend weeks before we started hooking up that he wasn't sure whether to break up with her or not...when I asked him originally about their situation he said he doesn't believe in owning people and if it makes her happy then he's not the one to stop her. Should I cut my losses before I get in too deep wtih this guy??

herisson

Op, he has a gf, it doesnt matter if they are in an open relationship or whether or not he wants to break up with her. Cut all ties with this man.

You may really like him but at the end of the day, he is still in a relationship and it may be the case that he is telling you what you want to hear, or to make himself feel better or it could be the truth. But genuinely stop all contact.

HalloweenJack

Well, what do you want from a relationship? Do you want an open one? Because from reading this, I reckon that's what you'll have to put up with.

At 37, I doubt he's going to be changing much and if he thinks it's ok to have a GF and go around with someone else (you, in this instance), do you think he's going to change that for you?

Tbh, he sounds very immature and if you're looking to have kids (you mentioned something along those lines), you'd be better off looking in other places.

Merkin

But he's got a girlfriend

This is a complete non starter. He sounds like a bit of a loser (on various different counts) and for that reason I wouldn't bother seeing him again. Why would you want to play second fiddle to someone who has already got a girlfriend?

ash23

By what you've said OP, you have a fair idea of what you want from a relationship. You want someone who will commit to you, and in time someone you will live with and marry and have a family with.

By the sounds of it you haven't a hope of getting that from this man. Getting involved with him is just setting yourself up to be disappointed.

rcarroll

thanks guys - btw, I think he's telling the truth about the open relationship thing - it'd be a lot easier to lie and said they'd broken up...also, from what I gather the last time they saw each other was a month ago and it seems it's quite a casual relationship. Regardless though - I think I'd end up unhappy a few weeks down the line even if for the moment it's alright.

My question more so is about choosing a partner in general - is it very shallow to look at his job and earnings? I never did before and always felt very embarressed by women that would first ask 'what do you do for a living'....but I feel if I'm going to start looking for a partner should I? Or is it shallow and possibly would cause me to miss out on a great partner?

shalalala

The fact is, if you want an open relationship then this might work. If you want monogamy which is what you seem to want, then this is not going to work unless he leave his gf and commits to you. Not believing in ownership seems like a bit of a cop out phrase if you ask me.

Irishcrx

From a guys perspective I think he is stringing you along for the ride here, I've heard this 'open relationship' line used a lot by serial cheaters. It's a good cop out because it seems 'modern' and a lot of girls believe it , it also clears them in case the other woman here's about the girlfriend so less hiding the facts.

But the fact is more than likely he is not in an open relationship that his girlfriend is aware of and is just seeing you on the side.

Some of the best serial cheaters are the nicest guys in the world on the outside, that's how they manage it. But you'll find they lack empathy or guilt about what they are doing.

Merkin

rcarroll wrote: »

thanks guys - btw, I think he's telling the truth about the open relationship thing - it'd be a lot easier to lie and said they'd broken up...also, from what I gather the last time they saw each other was a month ago and it seems it's quite a casual relationship.

You're being very naïve. You're obviously taking him at his word and his word is obviously going to be adapted to suit the situation. From his perspective, he's not going to appear such a douchebag if he tells you they don't really see each other and she wants an open relationship as opposed to the other alternative where she is his long term girlfriend and they actually have sex four or five times a week. You're choosing to blithely believe what he tells you. Human nature to do so but you're ultimately only fooling yourself.

My question more so is about choosing a partner in general - is it very shallow to look at his job and earnings? I never did before and always felt very embarressed by women that would first ask 'what do you do for a living'....but I feel if I'm going to start looking for a partner should I? Or is it shallow and possibly would cause me to miss out on a great partner?

I think it's important to have common goals and a similar outlook. Asking someone about their earning potential is just crass but for me personally, brains and ambition have always been important. So even if a man had the most menial job imaginable, if he was doing his Masters at night or ultimately wanted to better himself then that speaks volumes. It's important if you're going to enter a serious relationship with someone that you both sing from the same hymn sheet because if you're not it could lead to resentment further down the line. Of course some women would be happy to be the bread winner and support a man who couldn't be bothered to hold down a job but I don't know many of them if I'm honest. I think having a good work ethic is admirable and it's a good quality in a partner.

galwayredgirl

If you're both having nsa fun then keep going and enjoy!

ash23

rcarroll wrote: »

My question more so is about choosing a partner in general - is it very shallow to look at his job and earnings? I never did before and always felt very embarressed by women that would first ask 'what do you do for a living'....but I feel if I'm going to start looking for a partner should I? Or is it shallow and possibly would cause me to miss out on a great partner?

It's not shallow to take into consideration his job and earnings but I wouldn't make it the sole focus either.
It should be the overall picture and compatibility and imo, level of ambition, expectation of standard of living etc are all part of how compatible you are with someone.

It's not something I'd ask straight up but you'd get a fair idea within a couple of months of dating someone

Lauzzy22

Run as fast as you can!!! Good guy??? He's 37 and in an open relationship what does that tell you? Don't settle for that crap be strong and walk away now rather than drag it out when it's not worth the hassle

Barely There

rcarroll wrote: »

he also explains he's in an open relationship

rcarroll wrote: »

he did try to have sex with me when I was sick though...

rcarroll wrote: »

.He hasn't had a steady job in a few years,...

rcarroll wrote: »

.He's also living with his mom instead of his own place and he's 37 years old.,...

He sounds like quite the catch,

Seriously - do you not think you could do better than this?

Peanut2011

OH BOY!!!!

OP, not wanting to come across judgmental or anything like that, but there are MANY boy's (can't call them MEN)who would love to find a woman so gullible that she would believe anything they say!

Have you met his girlfriend? Has she told you they are in open relationship?

Well than you are just taking his word for it!

The fact that he is still in that relationship and is telling you sweet nothings that you want to hear should ring bells of caution!

stargazer 68

Op whether he is telling the truth or not doesn't matter - he is still sleeping with someone else! Sorry but that would be a deal breaker for me - open relationship or not! He sounds a real catch as someone else said! Don't go down that road!

heretochat

galwayredgirl wrote: »

If you're both having nsa fun then keep going and enjoy!

While I normally adopt an attitude of what two consensual adults do being their own business, in this case the male participant is attached (despite his protestations).

So my advice is consistent with what the majority view is - you can do better than this guy OP and cut contact now.

dannyc31

i agree with the others. you should beleive that you are better than to be just someone's bit on the side. i dont believe for a minute that his girlfriend is happy with the idea of open relationship.

you seem to be trying to over focus on the positive attributes that the guy has, some how justifying his behavior and his major flaws.

this guy is clearly terrified of responsibility, to think this guy would make good father material is laughable. living at home with mammy at 37, making his dinners and doing his washing, not going out there and finding a full time job but just doing odd jobs instead, and not being in a serious committed relationship with his girlfriend but instead having an immature attitude to her with this open relationship lark.

if you ever got with him he would be exactly the same with you until another gullible young lady came along, no offense. i think you should give this guy a miss and mind a proper man and not a teenage boy like this fella.