Partner has no friends and want to control me

LegacyUser

I've been with my partner for a 9 years, over the years she has let her friends drift away and now she only really sees me or her sisters from time to time, we live together and have no kids.

I on the other hand have kept my friendships with my friends.


I've asked her why she doesnt stay in contact with her friends and she says shes "fine" as she is, so I havent pushed it.

lately she has been vetoing my nights out with my friends, she doesnt want to come along but doesnt want me go to either. Over the last bank holiday weekend I planned to meet some friends for lunch and she threw a spanner in that so I told myself it was the last time she'd veto my plans

When leaving for work this morning I told her I would be late home tonight as I was heading out for a few pints, her reaction was "says who?" I didnt bother to react to that but i know there will be all picture no sound for the next few days

I've tried to encourage her to look at outlets that might help her meet new people, like night courses, salsa dancing, yoga classes etc but she shoots down all my suggestions and is quite happy watching that soap sh1te from 7 to 9 every night.

Am I being unreasonable maintaining my own friendships, she cant be bothered coming out with my friends, a few years ago it was the classic, "Our friends" were her friends and my friends were just my friends.

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to make new friends or even get in contact with her old ones, there isnt bad blood there they just drifted apart with kids, marriages etc so she saw them less and less.

Tokyo

It's not unreasonable at all to want to maintain your friendships while in a relationship - if anything it's a healthy approach to take. And while it's common courtesy to do what you did and let her know that you'd be heading out for a few pints with friends and would be home late, it's more than just a little bit controlling for her to expect you to get her permission beforehand, and throw a fit if you don't acquiesce to her demands.

At the end of the day you can talk to her about why she has drifted apart from her friends and ask her if she ever misses having a social life, but you can't really force her to contact her old friends or form new friendships - that ball is in her court. You seem to have taken all the steps that most people would have taken - you have tried to get her to partake in social outlets as a couple and she has refused. What you can do is be firm but fair with your intent to see your friends in the future - that's something that she is going to need to get over if you plan on having a long term future together and not live in isolation from the rest of the world.

LegacyUser

manaboutthehouse wrote: »

...vetoing...

Am I being unreasonable maintaining my own friendships?

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to make new friends or even get in contact with her old ones?.

A. I've never been in a relationship where I've been 'vetoed' or would veto my partner so that sounds very controlling, especially if it's over something that is good for you (meeting friends).

B. My mother is very house centric - she has very few interests and I feel for her but she seems happy enough. She has some friends but wouldn't make arrangements to go out for a fun night. It used to leave my dad feeling guilty. Now though, he does his thing and she does hers (staying in). They seem happy. She's happy for him to go out whenever he likes. in fact she encourages him to go out and enjoy himself.

C. You are not being unreasonable, she is. Have you asked her straight why she doesn't want you to go out? Maybe there are underlying reasons... and that might help you to understand her demands.

As it is, I'd just ask her:
"do you have a problem with me going out?"
"do you have an issue with me meeting my friends?"
"what are those issues?"
"why is it an issue for you?"

Until you get to the bottom of that, you'll remain as is.

Could it be that she is insecure/shy or is she just not very social?

I couldn't handle someone trying to be that controlling over me. My best friend's wife calls me up and asks me to take her husband out for pints if we haven't been out for a couple / a chat for a while. In fact, all of my married friends' wives are always encouraging their husbands to go out and meet their old pals.

ash23

The only time I think it's remotely acceptable to say to someone they "can't" go out is when there are kids who have to be minded and in that case, I don't think it's fair to announce that you're going out without consulting someone.
Perhaps also when money is very tight.

But no kids and no money issues, then I wouldn't be accepting someone telling me what I can and can't do. I don't live with my boyfriend but when I'm going somewhere I tell him of my plans, not ask him.

It's sad that she's let her friends go by the wayside but there's not a lot you can do as that's her choice.

However I would challenge her when she says things like the above. You say it;s not worth it because it'll end in the silent treatment? That's very manipulative of her. You need to stand up to this kind of behaviour OP.

Merkin

Are you sure she's not depressed OP? It's a very unhealthy dynamic to rely on your solely as a social outlet. Friends and family are so important so of course it is important to invest in these relationships and spend time with the people you care about.

I don't know how she can have let all these relationships slide. It's also worrying that she'd prefer it if you were stuck at home also. Does she have hobbies? Does she hold down a job? What if you were to leave her in the morning, doesn't she care that she'd be completely on her own?

I think you need to have a serious chat with her. Continue on with your own friendships as normal but also have a chat about why she feels its ok to just lock herself away from people to that extent.

LegacyUser

OP, just to start, I am not diagnosing your gf at all. But I just want to say that I was exactly like her last year. Still on the road to getting better but I was the same. I relied heavily on my bf when we first got together 4 years ago, it was my first proper relationship, but we saw WAY to much of each other at the start and when he tried to pull back to do his own thing, I took it really personally and was so used to being with him, it was a knock to the system

I suffer badly from depression from time to time, I had just drifted from my friends to be with him and I'm sure they got pissed off at me for doing so. But I had my head in dark grey clouds that I didnt see it at all.

I locked myself away in my room and sat there stewing every night, the slightest thing he did I would blow up over. Until one day he said it to me and I snapped out of it. He basically told me that I was ditching my friends which was a big mistake. He was 100% right.

It took me a while to rebuild the bridges I'd destroyed with my friends. I have my own little hobbies aswell. I am honestly like a different person now. More relaxed, happy and less stressed about stupid things that dont matter. I did all of that without medication, I just kinda gave myself a kick up the hole and saw the situation for what it was.

It was me, living in my own misery. It had to stop and I am so glad he said it to me. I knew it was my depression. It rears it's ugly head every now and then and I have to work hard to get myself right. But it can be done.

You need to sit down and tell your gf, I'm not saying you should accuse her of being depressed etc. But the fact that she doesnt have friends will not help her in the long run. You NEED to have friends in your life. Even if it's only one or two close friends. They are very important to have in my opinion.

FullblownRose

Do you go out together just the two of you? Do you go out for a few pints very often? She could be depressed and you need to ask her whats troublng her. xxx

irishguy1983

avavuolou wrote: »

A. I've never been in a relationship where I've been 'vetoed' or would veto my partner so that sounds very controlling, especially if it's over something that is good for you (meeting friends).

B. My mother is very house centric - she has very few interests and I feel for her but she seems happy enough. She has some friends but wouldn't make arrangements to go out for a fun night. It used to leave my dad feeling guilty. Now though, he does his thing and she does hers (staying in). They seem happy. She's happy for him to go out whenever he likes. in fact she encourages him to go out and enjoy himself.

C. You are not being unreasonable, she is. Have you asked her straight why she doesn't want you to go out? Maybe there are underlying reasons... and that might help you to understand her demands.

As it is, I'd just ask her:
"do you have a problem with me going out?"
"do you have an issue with me meeting my friends?"
"what are those issues?"
"why is it an issue for you?"

Until you get to the bottom of that, you'll remain as is.

Could it be that she is insecure/shy or is she just not very social?

I couldn't handle someone trying to be that controlling over me. My best friend's wife calls me up and asks me to take her husband out for pints if we haven't been out for a couple / a chat for a while. In fact, all of my married friends' wives are always encouraging their husbands to go out and meet their old pals.

I thought I was the only one!

My mother gets down sometimes from staying in so much but she just hates leaving the gaff and has always being like that!

She loves when people visit but not chance she go meet for a coffee/lunch etc. other than maybe 3/4 times a year!

suicide_circus

Two things;

1. Wtf is it with women losing/cutting ties with friends? Seems to be a commom theme.

2. You need to nip this in the bud big time. Just because she has chosen the life of a hermit gives her no right to dictate that you do the same. The "says who" comment would be a major read flag for me.

LegacyUser

OP I can understand how your GF might be feeling. I'm not saying it's right, but I have in the past felt similarly. I'm shy and lack confidence. I can socialise well in smaller groups, but dislike when there are loads of people there. I hate being around overly loud obnoxious people, they make me feel very uncomfortable.

I don't drink a lot and my partner did at the time.

When we were together for quite a short time, I too tried to dictate who my partner could go out with, mainly due to the fact it was always either a big party which I wouldn't go to, or there would be certain people there who I didn't like to be around. Rightly, he told me where to go numerous times.

As time went on I realised, I didn't want him sitting in with me all the time, I was actually looking for somewhere we could go and enjoy together. So both of us stopped the all or nothing crap. I stopped trying to prevent him from going out and he stopped acting like every night out was a race to get drunk. We now have a middle ground. He goes to the parties I can't stand, I don't, but likewise he is now happier to sit in a restaurant with one or two other couples and chat and have a few drinks. The problem, it seems was down to our differing opinions of what a good night out "should" be and my frustration at the fact we never went out and had a night we both enjoyed.

Could there be something similar at play with your girlfriend? Could she feel that every night out is about having a night you enjoy while not really planning things she can enjoy? When I started to feel like I was getting more quality time with my partner, instead of the hung over days and the quiet nights before the party, I started to really not care where he went and with who. Actually, I relish the nights where I have the house and the TV to myself, knowing he's out having a good time.

I absolutely handled my situation wrong, I know, although I was only about 19 at the time. What I wanted wasn't unreasonable, but how I tried to get it, was. I think that if I had expressed myself properly and he had listened to me, we might have sorted it out much more quickly.

dannyc31

1. Wtf is it with women losing/cutting ties with friends? Seems to be a commom theme.

bit of a sweeping statement here. there are just as many men out there who do this type cutting ties with friends when getting into a serious relationship. alot of it is not intentional its just friends can enter into different phases at different times. especially when kids come along, people just dont have the time to hang out with their friends as much, between work, attempting to keep a roof over ones head and children, there is not a whole lot of time left to hang out with friends.

the bigger issue i would have is you have been with this girl for 9 years, surely you would of seen years ago that she's the type of girl who just wants to sit in watching soaps every night, had no hobbies and didnt enjoying meeting new people. why didnt you see red flags like this years ago that maybe you two were too different?

this asking permission thing is more controlling behavior and should not be tolerated, grow a pair and tell her you are not a child to told what you can and cant do and if she had any respect for you she wouldnt attempt such things. how would she react if you tried to tell her she couldnt watch her soaps every night from now on and instead had to go to the gym with you?

relationships are suppose to be 50/50 thats when they work. by the sounds of it you are in a 70/30 relationship which will just end in tears believe me as soon as you cant take anymore. i think you need to have a serious chat with her and reset boundaries for both of you.

LegacyUser

op here

thanks for all the comments

We were on holiday recently and she brought her iPad, i was using it one day and went into the notes section as I wanted to note down a reference number and store it

this section had sync'd with her mac and she has been keeping notes of when I've been late home and who I have been meeting and might have been meeting

I feel really sad but I've decided its time to move on

Merkin

You're doing the right thing OP

Flippyfloppy

manaboutthehouse wrote: »

op here

thanks for all the comments

We were on holiday recently and she brought her iPad, i was using it one day and went into the notes section as I wanted to note down a reference number and store it

this section had sync'd with her mac and she has been keeping notes of when I've been late home and who I have been meeting and might have been meeting

I feel really sad but I've decided its time to move on

Jeez. You're definitely doing the right thing.

CrazySka

manaboutthehouse wrote: »

op here

thanks for all the comments

We were on holiday recently and she brought her iPad, i was using it one day and went into the notes section as I wanted to note down a reference number and store it

this section had sync'd with her mac and she has been keeping notes of when I've been late home and who I have been meeting and might have been meeting

I feel really sad but I've decided its time to move on

One technique in CBT involves rationalising thoughts by writing them down and trying to make sense of the worst case and best case scenarios, is it possible that she was doing something like this?
I can understand giving up on a relationship, that's fine and sometimes just happens but as a last ditch if you are interested in sorting things out have you tried talking to her about why she's writing this stuff down?