Fearing future, justified?

LegacyUser

I'm beginning to get cold feet about the future of my relationship, yet my long term boyfriend is in no way at fault.

He is a wonderful man and we couldn’t get along better. We love one another dearly and are very happy.

My question is, how much of a factor should the mother in law play in a relationship? Am I placing too much emphasis on this and unnecessarily allowing it to overshadow everything else?

We’re together 5 years, both want marriage, children.
But now I’m doubting more and more that I want to bring children into our lives, purely because of the potential involvement of my MIL.

I have tried my best to like her, and have her accept me, but I will never be religious enough, or proper enough or from the background that she approves of. She openly looks down on me, I could go on all day with specific examples.

I have no problem talking to my bf about anything, and he knows his mother and I don’t see eye to eye, but I’ve held back on just how much I dislike her up to now because he is truly incapable of seeing how she is, because of how she’s raised and manipulated him.

He’s a laid back person and not quick to see bad in others, but when it comes to his mother, while he isn’t very close to her and all contact is instigated by her, he would be deeply upset to hear how much I loathe her.

I try to be civil and bite my lip, and currently do my best to avoid her where possible. I know though, that once we have kids, this will be more of a problem. My bf will want her seeing her grandkids and maybe it’s unfair for me to have a family with someone and then ban granny from being involved.

To give a brief background of the MIL, past incidents include her looking through mine and my bf [and her other children’s] text messages if phone is left unguarded for a few minutes. Searching backpacks, handbags, wallets, found condom in son’s wallet, demanded to know where he was planning to use it, demanded name of the girl. Her children roll their eyes and see her as a ‘typical nosy irish mammy, always worrying about her kids’.

My first meeting with her involved her playing nicey nice in front of my bf, then pulling me aside later when alone and nastily warning me I better not be getting pregnant and ruining her son’s life as she knows the ‘type’ I am. She based this on the area I am from. I’m admittedly not from the best of backgrounds, but just because I’m not a holy joe doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.

I think I am far more moral than she could dream of being, I don’t judge people by their skin colour/orientation etc. I don’t need mass to teach me that.

My bf’s only fault is he isn’t capable of seeing how bad his mother is. He and his siblings have been abused and controlled by her their entire lives. They know no different. The only reason my bf and I are together is because we met abroad originally, outside of her control.
She ‘ran’ his brother’s last girlfriend because she was a ‘foreigner’ and told her why. Racially abused her to her face in front of several people. She brainwashed his brother into believing it was the right decision, convinced him she would steal from him. He wasn’t capable of challenging her.

Her children think of her as a good mother, in that she has helped and chosen every path they have walked. She chose their potential careers, which course and university they would study at [she told me they weren’t allowed attend ITs as they are for ‘riffraff’ – knowing I went to an IT], she truly would do anything for her children but this isn’t always a good thing.

Her control and interference hasn’t been as much of an issue with my bf as he emigrated at 18, studied and lived abroad for years so she eventually lost her grip. She still expects regular weekend visits however.

She constantly oversteps the mark and refuses to accept boundaries even when my bf has fallen out with her over it. She used an emergency spare key borrowed from our neighbour while we were on holidays to enter our home [2 hours from her] with the ‘plan’ to clean it before we returned, [totally uninvited, didn’t tell us] but on a later date was able to nastily tell me that I should renew my birth control prescription [I had come off it for medical reasons, and there was a letter related to that which she had read]. There were various other documents moved/opened also.

She opens all of my bfs mail that still goes to his home address, has access to all of his siblings banking information and accounts, and queries any credit card expenditure she doesn’t recognise, including extreme anger in the past when bf’s brother spent too much on his ‘foreigner’ girlfriend for her birthday.

My boyfriend’s other brother has a new girlfriend who has taken the opposite approach to me, and become very involved with the MILs church, altering her dress sense to very old fashioned/traditional clothing and doing everything she can to please her, all in order to be accepted. I am not capable of being that person. I am very strong willed and independent and would prefer to be disliked for who I am than liked for faking it and having to be ‘someone else’ in front of her forever more.

Half of me thinks, screw overthinking it, take a chance, deal with the issues as they come along.

The rest of me is anxious and trying to be realistic.. if I can’t handle her now, she isn’t going to get better when she has an excuse/demand to visit regularly.

I know in my heart that I do not want that woman at my wedding, in the delivery room, visiting me in hospital after having a baby, taking over family birthday parties. I don’t want to dread Christmas forever more as she’ll likely hound us once there are kids in the picture. I don’t want her forcing her religious beliefs on me or my future children [I’m atheist as is my bf, though she doesn’t know this], kicking up holy war if we don’t baptise, or attend mass weekly. I don’t want her telling me I’m holding the baby wrong, or they’re not going to the right school or wearing the right clothes.

She has loathed me from the offset, because I don’t conform to what she pictured her son marrying. She doesn’t care that he is happy, as she has lost control of him. She is a religious nut and unless you attend several masses a week and are from a family who do the same, you’re not good enough.

The fact I come from a broken home is ‘disgusting’.

I don’t want her influencing my future children to think as she does [openly racist, bigoted, homophobic], and as she is the most interfering woman I’ve ever encountered, avoiding her completely would be impossible.

Am I wrong for thinking about these things before the children even exist? Am I completely overreacting? Perhaps this is something most women simply deal with, without overthinking it.

I’ve seen it happen with siblings and cousins, where they’ve been left in tears following visits from far less intense MILs.

We live far enough away that perhaps regular visits can be avoided, perhaps I’ll only have to suffer her a few times per year, but even the thought of that stresses me, and I imagine she will be 10 times worse if there are grandchildren involved. She will demand the right to know them, and wear my bf down.

It truly isn’t my bf at fault. The only fault he has is that he doesn’t seem to realise just how flawed his mother is because he’s been damaged [abused IMO] by her growing up. Her flaws somehow haven’t transferred to him thankfully.

Am I thinking irrationally for even considering that my future with my bf may not be possible because of potential MIL interference?

tinkerbell

OP, there's many women out there who have a mother in law from hell, yet still are with their partner. The difference is that they just don't put up with crap from the MIL. At the end of the day, it is your partner who you would be marrying and setting up a family with, not his mother. However, you need to establish boundaries because if you do not, your MIL will eventually break up your relationship. You first need to tell your partner what his MIL does that is nasty - have you told him any of this? I suspect not because I imagine most men would be mortified if their mother pulled their girlfriend aside after meeting her once and threatened her about getting pregnant! All the other things you mention too - getting a key to your house under false pretences, going through your medication, reading your personal letters, openly insulting you over your family situation, where you are from, where you were educated, etc, I mean WTF is that about? Is your boyfriend that much of a moron that he can't see anything wrong with that? Or is it that you haven't told him any of this? If you haven't told him then you are the bigger fool here. If you have told him, and he doesn't give a crap, then personally I could not stay with a man like that who thought so little of me.

At the end of the day, once you are in a serious committed long term relationship where you plan on possibly getting married, having a family, etc then YOU should become your partner's number one priority, and he should not continue to pussy foot around his mother and let her insult his partner / the mother of his children. If he is not willing to do that, then he is not worth it and you should let him go crawling back to his rotten mammy. There's plenty more fish in the sea rather than wasting your life on someone who has a blatant disregard of your feelings and doesn't respect you.

One other note - why the heck would you think that awful woman would be part of major events of your life such as GIVING BIRTH?!!? Holy mother of god. Why in the heck would she be there for that? It is completely NOT appropriate and if she were demanding it, I would be telling her to just feck off and I would be putting an end to the conversation. I wouldn't be entertaining her crap at all. On the children issue, you don't have to let your children be exposed to her unsupervised, you don't have to baptise them, you don't have to do anything, you and your partner are in a relationship with each other, not with his mother. Just because she is his mother, doesn't mean you have to pander to her BS. You need to tell your partner exactly how you feel and see how it goes from there. And the next time that stupid bitch insults you, just call her up on it. You're not there to just be her boxing bag.

Mick Murdock

Just a small input.. I don't think you are overreacting at all.

If your partner is aware of the above and insists on you or your children maintaining a relationship with her, I would call it quits now. His upbringing is not an excuse to condone her behaviour. She is poison and I would insist on zero contact with her.

xzanti

wicklowwailer wrote: »

She constantly oversteps the mark and refuses to accept boundaries even when my bf has fallen out with her over it. She used an emergency spare key borrowed from our neighbour while we were on holidays to enter our home [2 hours from her] with the ‘plan’ to clean it before we returned, [totally uninvited, didn’t tell us] but on a later date was able to nastily tell me that I should renew my birth control prescription [I had come off it for medical reasons, and there was a letter related to that which she had read]. There were various other documents moved/opened also.

:eek: Holy Sh1t

wicklowwailer wrote: »

I know in my heart that I do not want that woman at my wedding, in the delivery room, visiting me in hospital after having a baby, taking over family birthday parties. I don’t want to dread Christmas forever more as she’ll likely hound us once there are kids in the picture. I don’t want her forcing her religious beliefs on me or my future children [I’m atheist as is my bf, though she doesn’t know this], kicking up holy war if we don’t baptise, or attend mass weekly. I don’t want her telling me I’m holding the baby wrong, or they’re not going to the right school or wearing the right clothes.

Take it from me.. Being pregnant and having bad blood with the inlaws is a nightmare.. you are going to feel like as stranger in your own body, your emotions are all over the place and the last thing you will need is somebody taking digs at you every chance they get!

I lived practically next door to my in laws when I was preggers and I didn't get along with my FIL.. he was basically a male version of what you're dealing with..

For example, I remember going for a job interview, fairly early in our the relationship and he told me I better get the job as there were "no losers in this house".. no pressure like! :rolleyes: tip of the iceberg there!

And of course during the pregnancy he would make comments about my weight gain and what I was eating if we were out for lunch etc.. real nice.

wicklowwailer wrote: »

Am I wrong for thinking about these things before the children even exist? Am I completely overreacting?

You're not overreacting.. you need to weigh up how much you want to be with your OH.. You need to talk to him and make your feelings very clear and see where you go from there.. at the end of the day you need to look out for number one!!

I think you're being very sensible to think about these things way in advance.. being a new parent is so so difficult.. you really need to have a good support network around you who are there to help you and not upset you!! And by the sounds of it she is an extremely overbearing and controlling person.. in fact she sounds to me like she has some sort of mental health issues.

I don't envy you tbh.

Rubberchikken

Stand up to her.
Your bf is an atheist but hasnt told her.
You're willing to consider mot marrying/having children with someone i assume you love simply because she would be involved in wedding, at hospital after birth, calling to see grandkids etc.

She's a controlling bully but she can't actually do anything to you.

People like her really need someone to stand there and say how things are going to be, and this can be done calmly and politely but very firmly.

retro:electro

My god she sounds like a complete nightmare! You are not over reacting at all! Does your bf know you feel this way op? You really need to sit him down and let him know how much this is stressing you out before you decide to make that further commitment and have children together.

AnonMouse

In my opinion, I don't think it is worth leaving someone you love, because of their mother. She sounds like a complete nightmare, and for that to stop, you need to assert yourself. Do it politely, and she won't know what hit her.

That said above, you need to tell your boyfriend all of the issues that you outlined here (perhaps, show him the post), and if he refuses to deal with it, then you can assume that he is not worth having in your life, long term. Anyone that would let their mother behave like that towards their significant other, isn't worth investing in, emotionally.

Keep the head up

Bricriu

You yourself know the answer to your question. If your boyfriend will not support your position, the future looks bleak.

People like your possible future MIL need to be stood up to, and if your partner doesn't see that, or chooses to ignore it, your relationship looks doomed.

Your relationship is lacking boundaries that are essential to a healthy relationship.

LegacyUser

Wow...


She makes my OH mam sound like Mary Poppins! I have my issues with my OH's mam. Just last night she AGAIN insulted me saying that I need to change my make up as the one I've been using for the last year makes me look sick and ill.. cheers!

My OH rarely stands up to her, he hates fighting with her because she has a habit of giving people the silent treatment for DAYS if you stand up to her - this woman just turned 60 and behaves like a teenager. It's infuriating! I sometimes get those feelings you have but oh my god, after reading your post I really do have it lucky. There's no way she would be that bad, but she has snooped through my OH's email and read ALL our emails to each other which I have to say, really really p!ssed me off. She's read letters we wrote to each other etc. So I know how you feel, my skin crawled after those occasions when I had to sit in the room with her knowing she invaded our privacy. She's actually not even Irish so you cant say she's one of those typical nosey Irish "mammys"

She even asked me when I first met her, if I was on the pill. Like I was 25 at the time, I dont need her asking me that, she's not a doctor! To be honest OP, there are probably thousands of people out there who suffer at the wrath of a nutjob parent in law. I think the only way of sorting these things out is calling her out on her behaviour. These types of people will cheekily keep up this crap unless you brazenly say something. If they think they can get away with it - they will keep it up. Yes she may give you the silent treatment etc, and it may cause a little bit of heartache with you and the bf, but I really do not believe for one second that you should end things with someone you love because of someone in their family. Obviously it really is up to you at the end of it all to decide, but I would never give her the satisfaction.

I tell you something, I have seen some horror stories on Boards in the past with people talking about their in laws. These stories would make your toes curl! But being honest if I were you, I wouldnt break up. I would take your house key off her too. She must LOVE the opportunity to nose around your house I'm sure. Your religion, sex life, house etc are NOT her business. Tell her that, and see if she has a smug smile on her face

ManOfMystery

This woman sounds like a real piece of work.

The way I see it, you have 3 options:

1) Continue on as things are, and put up with her meddling . . . . . . . which is the price you'll pay for being with this particular person that you love. I don't think that's an option you'll go for considering you're obviously quite independent and a nicer person than this mother-from-hell could ever be.

2) End things with your boyfriend now. You can already see all the dramas in the future - before they even happen - as you've already had a taste of her character and her interfering ways. And by your own admission, your boyfriend doesn't seem to see things in the same way and won't take this seriously. The problem with this option? You lose him. And she's won.

3) Convince your boyfriend of what she's really like, and have him put some distance and boundaries between you two and his mother. It doesn't mean he has to disown her; he only has to stand up to her, and limit her interference. This is probably the only option which is going to work for you personally, but it may also be the hardest to implement. And it will probably be hard work as she will inevitably turn hostile for a while once she realise she's losing control.

As a start, I would strongly encourage your other half to read this thread and take on board the fact that numerous strangers are agreeing that her behaviour is totally out of line - it's not just an issue in his girlfriend's head.

Whatever you do, stick to your guns and be the person you are. Once you start conforming to a bullying manipulative witch like this, you'll lose your identity.

Lou.m

This sounds like from the 1950's.

Talk plainly but respectfully about this to your boyfriend.

I WOULD NOT try to persuade him

State that these are your dealbreakers. You going to be his partner now. And this is how you expect things.

She must respect you. Her views are not to be passed down to your children.

He has to accept your wish to be treated with respect.

Politely stand up to her. But always be respectful.


Or else try and keep her out of your life as much as you can.

Lou.m

Hey OP wrote: »

My OH rarely stands up to her, he hates fighting with her because she has a habit of giving people the silent treatment for DAYS if you stand up to her - this woman just turned 60 and behaves like a teenager.

Silent treatment is heaven from headwrecks..enjoy it!

stickybookmark

Hi OP, you are absolutely right to be considering all of this stuff now. Now is the time before your relationship moves onto the next level. There are some positive things in this story - firstly that ye live 2 hours away from this horrible woman and also that your bf lived abroad and as a result managed to sever the apron strings with her - thank god!
It's really your bf you need to be discussing these things with and seeing what the lie of the land is there, does he agree with you on the important things.
To address a few of the specific things that you brought up:
- if you give birth, will the hospital that you would most likely choose be close to where she lives? Would it be possible to give birth nearer to where ye live and not close to where she lives? It's unlikely that someone would drive 2 hours to visit someone in hospital, they'd be more likely to wait until the baby was home before visiting. In addition to this, you will be the patient it's 100% up to you whether you are up to receiving visitors or not. In a normal family, nobody would turn up at the hospital after baby is born without first texting the father or mother and letting them know that they'd be in (or waiting for the father or mother to text them to say it was ok to visit and when) however I don't think you can count on this woman to behave in any kind of predictable or decent way. You could tell your boyfriend/husband either to delay telling her about baby's birth until you're home from hospital (might be hard coz he would also then have to conceal it from his siblings til then) or else tell her but tell her that the doctor said you can't receive visitors as you're not feeling well after the birth. I'd actually discuss this with him now to be honest.
- christening: this is a big issue and it's very important to get discussions going with your bf about this now. A christening isn't just a nice day out to celebrate the baby's birth and to bring both sides of the family together (even though it is those things) it's also a statement that ye are going to be bringing the baby up in the catholic church i.e. it'll be going to a catholic school and making its first communion and confirmation. Do you know what school you'd like to send your kids to? Is it a catholic school? Will you be having a christening then anyway just to get your kid into the school and not have them left out at the 1st communion? How do ye want to bring your kids up - catholic or atheist? Again important conversations to tease out now with your partner
- birthdays/christmas etc. Yes it will be hard to keep the MIL away from these events but they can certainly be managed. Just make sure that ye dont' set a precedent of going there for Xmas dinner or inviting her to yours after ye get married coz once ye do it once....it'll be expected to be repeated in some kind of pattern every year.
Finally remember that this MIL won't be around for all of the life you'll spend with your bf....I don't mean to be morbid but one day she will be gone, and indeed as she gets older her influence will weaken just because when people get old they get more helpless and less mobile and less able to do stuff like drive 2 hours, wrangle keys off people and let themselves into people's houses and nose around!

irishguy1983

How old is she? Anyway close to being on the way out?

Horrible way to look at things but there you go.

LegacyUser

Firstly I want to thank everyone who has responded. I’m reading them all and thinking it through. It helps to get some outside perspective.

To clarify a few things, she doesn’t have a key to our house. Our neighbours had a key in case of an emergency [a fire or such] and were caught on the hop, not knowing what the MIL is like, and thinking she was doing us a lovely favour!

My bf has already made huge changes to his life so that I don’t have to put up with his mother. When we first moved home to Ireland, we lived near her and that’s when I got to know her. I couldn’t handle it and told him I found her overbearing and rude. He understood and accepted, though she has always been very careful to never say anything nasty/offensive in front of him, only directly to me. We relocated to a different part of the country, purely because of her.

She is still [unfortunately] his mother though, and I’ve seen it with friends who have abusive parents. Generally, no matter how bad they are, the child never fully comprehends that their parent is abnormal, they simply put up with them because they have no other mother to compare to.

They come away with a sense that ‘this is normal’.

He has said in the past “I know she goes about things the wrong way, but she means well, she has good intentions.” And strangely, I do agree with this.
I can be open minded, and understand that she genuinely believes she is doing the best for her children. She is fighting away the ‘evil’ women who may get pregnant and ruin her ideal vision she’s created for her kids. She picks and pays for the best education so they will earn well and be successful. I think there is a factor of making her children achieve her dreams that she never achieved.

A large part of her issue is she married at 18, had her first child at 20, never travelled, never went anywhere other than mass/church related social functions. I know it sounds like the 1950s but it’s more common than I realised prior to meeting her.

And funnily, one of the reasons I started this thread was because I found myself thinking, if only she was older and I knew she wouldn’t be around forever! I realise how terrible it sounds, but she’s only in her late 50s, so not going anywhere for a long time. If she were older, I wouldn’t waste a moment worrying about this.

She is a housewife so has too much free time on her hands for impromptu visits and whatnot.

I agree that regarding Christmas, as long as the habit isn’t started, we should be safe.

When it comes to pregnancy, I will absolutely lay down the law that the MIL is not to know anything [regarding scans/birth/etc] until I’m ready to handle it. I think it's too much to expect to ban her altogether though. As bad as she is, she probably has some right to meet her grandkids.

We’ve already discussed marriage and both would like a private ceremony with few/no-one present anyway. She is definitely a factor in that for me. I never wanted a huge wedding, but I would have liked some of my family, cousins etc there. We can’t do that without inviting her too [she would either turn up anyway, or ruin the day for us], and it just wouldn’t be worth it for me.

I probably do need to learn to completely ignore her more, but I tend to be a little sensitive sometimes.

I’ll continue to think, but I feel less like running away today, and more like finding ways to work around it, limiting her presence however possible.

koolis02

My mother didn't get on with my grandmother either (her MIL) because my mother didnt go to college she didnt fit my grandmothers perception of who his sons girlfriend should be. For years she bullied my mother, humiliated her judged her etc. Even when my mother had kids she persisted on being nasty, telling me mother she ''wasnt raising us right'' because we werent going to mass every sunday etc. My mother was very upset and angry and eventually called her up on the phone and told her it straight how she was feeling, and how my grandmother needed to stop for everyones sake. Ever since that moment there has been no bad feeling, obviously it took a few years to rebuild their relationship but now they are friends. My grandmother frequently comes over to my house for dinner and chats to my mother for hours.
My point is, overtime it will change. Your MIL will learn to finally accept you for who you are. She isnt going to have this built up anger forever. I wouldnt break your boyfriends heart over his mother!

jdsk2006

Having been thru the drama of inlaw agony, i can only advise you to talk to your partner. Take it very slow tho- don't expect him to agree wit you right away.......remember he has been conditioned to her behavior and it might take him a while to see what you point out to him.

Its very easy to put boundaries down when she lives two hrs away. Stand up to her next time she crosses da line wit you. Just be sure that your partner has your back when he gets the full wrath of her after you put her back in her box!

If on the other hand he doesn't support you and be united with you on this issue then you would be best to walk away.

Goodluck op, i think you will be fine.

stickybookmark

Sorry I forgot to address one of the things you mentioned. You said you don't want her at your wedding, I'm afraid unless you either
a) don't get married
b) elope
you won't be able to avoid having her at the wedding
You could just not get married, but of course it depends how both you and your boyfriend feel about having kids without being married. For some people that's no big deal, for others it's a huge deal. Alot of people dread their own wedding because their parents have split up and they dread the tension, or because of a family member they don't like who has to be invited or because of a myriad of other politics. So you won't be the first and far from the last to see your own wedding as a bittersweet occasion because of family issues or tensions (or indeed bereavements). Unfortunately for many people this is part and parcel of getting married and can't be avoided.......of course all girls dream of their perfect day and their perfect wedding, but for a lot of people weddings involved compromise, tension and less-than-ideal scenarios on the day. That's part of getting married and accepting the other person baggage and all I guess!

Neyite

For me it would hinge on one criteria:

Would he have my back?

She will interfere as much as he lets her. And by the sounds of it, despite the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt -worth googling and having a bit of a read about that) that she pulls, he is with you. He wants the kind of wedding you do, he moved willingly because he understood.

My MIL (to be) did butt heads with me a couple of times, like a lot of mammies, anything that her offspring do that is not in line with what she feels they should be doing, is blamed on the other half. And she did it with me. But he had my back. Myself and our child come first and foremost - we are his family now. Same with him, he and our child comes before my extended family.

I think that maybe its time to open up about how difficult you find his mother, and that you have concerns for your future together depending on what input she has. He might surprise you and be happy to keep her at arms length. At least you'll know one way or the other.

But if he is her doormat, I'd say you are wasting your time there.

LegacyUser

OP here.

I think my bf would have my back, but it will take a lot of brutal facts about how I feel about his mother first to allow him to see her as I do, because currently he is incapable of seeing her for what she is [and it's the same with all of her children]. He is aware that she interferes and is horrendously nosy, but doesn't realise that all mothers are not like this.

I'll definitely read up on FOG, those three words summarise her well.

We both want to be married prior to having children, just for us. Nothing to do with her and her religious issues. I've had eloping on my mind for a long time and have run it by my bf but he'd like some friends and family at our wedding, which brings it back to being impossible to avoid having the MIL there.

I really appreciate the comments from stickybookmark, you have really given all scenarios some thought [almost as much as I have!] and you make some very good points. Especially about raising kids with/without religion. We have discussed these points before and haven't decided yet but live in an area where without a baptism, school will be a problem.

Also your points about weddings; I have been so focused on what a freak show mine would be that I failed to think that these are probably issues for many people.

The only blessing we have is the distance she is from us would hopefully prevent her involvement somewhat. Being present on the big day would cause all kinds of stress but I suppose there's no point worrying about that yet..

As regards hospitals to give birth in, unfortunately the hospital would only be about 45 minutes from her, closer to her than us, but I guess we'll cross that one when we come to it.

I'm not a confrontational person, and I'm not someone who likes to be negative about others [normally], so I find it hard to imagine treating her as she treats me, or even slaughtering her to my bf. I know I'll have to get over this, but luckily I avoided her so much of late she hasn't been able to say anything to me or about me.

Thanks to everyone again!

Neyite

I've found that the best way is to make the plans, then announce it as a done deal.

We told no family when I went into labour - my thinking on it was I didnt want him distracted from being with me by texting anxious family members every five minutes hour or so. So the first they heard was after we had had about an hour alone with our newborn, just us. Once I was transferred to the ward and was snoozing snuggled up with the baby, then himself called the folks. If you have a standard labour, you could even be home as soon as a few hours after a birth.

We havent started planning our wedding yet. I want it to be a civil ceremony but it wont go down well, therefore it'll be booked and paid for and too soon to the date before anyone gets to hear of it. Then its too late to do anything about it.

Regarding baptism, again, your partner would have to stand his ground on that, but its ages away yet, and much progress in distancing yourselves can be made by then.

Deffo read up on FOG, and if you can, get him to read a bit of it too.

stickybookmark

wicklowwailer wrote: »

Especially about raising kids with/without religion. We have discussed these points before and haven't decided yet but live in an area where without a baptism, school will be a problem.

Well then it may be that ye will decide to baptise your children and do the whole catholic thing, just because of the education perspective. At least if ye have discussed it and reached your own conclusions on it, you'll know that you made the decision yourself - not doing it to pander to the MIL or other family members but because you and your partner weighed up the pros and cons and decided this was what was in the child's best interests. That's empowering in itself even if it happens to also be the course of action that the dreaded MIL would approve of.

And as for the sacrifice on the wedding front, I'm in a similar position myself - also because of the fear of of wedding sabotage by a dangerous female that comes as part of the baggage with my partner.
You can be at peace with anything (compromises etc) once you give yourself enough time to accept it.