Mothered to death

LegacyUser

For years I was mother's boy, a term I hate, a term that makes me cringe, because of it's connotations, the negative reactions from others, and the humiliation.

I was blessed with a mother who loved me. But she dressed me in too many clothes, smothered me, never let me grow up, never let me be independent, and passed on to me a whole series of her own failings, which took me years to recognise and face up to, one by one.

My mother was a prisoner of her own very old fashioned upbringing. She has a heart of gold, and would give you her last crust of bread. But she lived her whole life in irrational fear of dozens of ordinary things. She had fears of animals, fears of food, fears of people, fears of socialising, fears of going forward, fears of change from a very narrow, old fashioned way of living life.

She passed on every single one of those fears to me, and as a result, I lived my entire childhood, teenage years and early adulthood in fear, awkwardness and social inability and isolation. My mother knew best, and so the rest of the world had to be wrong. My mother influenced every waking moment of my life, she never let go of her stranglehold. I was her sole achievement in life, and I had to be perfect. And chief among those influences was fear.

I hated school. School years were a torture to me, and I spent the whole classroom time worrying myself sick about how I was going to get home safely, without my ritual humiliation because I was so closed and different. Nobody appeared to like me, and I could never figure out why. Of course it was me, I was so closed and awkward, I gave nobody any sign of being open to friendship. I just froze, and didn't know what to do. As soon as I got home to mother, I could return to my own private world, and be safe. I learned no social skills.

My father was a gentleman, but quiet in his own way, and never seemed able to recognise or influence my differences, and left me to make up my own mind about life.

Now, forty years later, I have the confidence I so dearly wish I could have had all my life. Something in my thirties clicked, and I began to realise the roots of all my problems, and gradually I changed, and became a person I felt much happier being. But I am miles behind in my career and my relationships, due to all the years of insecurity and social inability. I feel I am playing catch up.

Now my mother is growing frail, widowed, and if anything, her fears seem to be deepening. Chief among those fears I would say is loneliness, and fear of the future. She is wholly alone, and I now find the roles have swapped places, and it is I looking after her.

I have managed to eradicate the bitterness, although I have a gnawing feeling of having been held back all my life, and now, through her frailty, of being held back again, looking after the person who held me back all those years. I feel I am going to be in my fifties, or even sixty, before I am finally free to live the life I should have had all my life. I have had fleeting relationships, but they never lasted, and I now find myself back in the situation of having to tell prospective partners that I am living back with my mother again, having been living alone for years. It is I looking after her rather than the other way round, but it amounts to the same thing. I suppose it is the old prejudices and humiliations still there deep in my being.

I don't really know what my question is, but if it is anything, I suppose it is, how can I move in and look after my mother, and still be the free, confident and independent person I should always have been? Who would have a relationship with a guy who lives at home, minding his mother? I feel trapped, with my life running away on me. I cannot leave her alone with her fears and her frailty. She would fall to pieces. Yet even now, I swear she doesn't see me, but rather, her perfect, ten year old boy.

I'd love to throw the Monopoly board in the air, and start a brand new game from scratch. But of course, I cannot do that. What do you do when somebody loves you too much?

Babooshka

mindingmother wrote: »

I'd love to throw the Monopoly board in the air, and start a brand new game from scratch. But of course, I cannot do that. What do you do when somebody loves you too much?

I just read your post and got a lump in my throat. I completely empathise with you. I am the youngest of a large family and my Mum is approaching her later years and getting frail. I was always her "baby" in her head and even now though I am married and live away from her, she still treats me as though I am that child. Do you mind me asking why you gave up your independence though to go back to your Mother's house, is she totally incapable of moving or doing anything for herself? Does she need 24/7 care or are you being a little bit emotionally blackmailed into thinking she does? Sometimes you have to get a little bit hard, kind of tough love, in order to get what you want from life too. There is alot of pressure on us to feel as though we "must" stay with our parents when they're old and frail, but you have a duty to yourself too, of looking after you, and if it doesn't suit you to live with your Mother, a discussion needs to happen about her wellbeing, and how you can give some time to come and help her out, but keep your own life and living space too.

While I do have siblings, I can understand where you're coming from, because the majority of mine live abroad and do not do a lot for my Mother, but she has been quite fit up to now. I am kind of dreading the next few years because I know that I am the one who will be left doing most of the hard work to look after her if she gets physically ill, and I don't know what i will do but will have to take it as it comes I guess. There is no easy answer. Being good people we don't just abandon our parents as they gave us so much (maybe stuff you didn't even want at times!) BUT, you do owe yourself something too.

Rubberchikken

as a mother i can see this from the other side.
your child can become your life and you find you would do anything to mind them, keep them safe from either real or imagined things.

in the past few years as mine have gotten older, both adults now, i have made myself pull back. i encouraged independence, let them make their mistakes, etc.
i wouldn't say i ever smothered them but maybe if i had that type of personality, i maight have been capable.

your mother loves you, maybe she made mistakes in some of the things she did.
but she did right and good things too. you sound like an articulate, sensible man who has a job, has lived away from home, has had relationships.

it's good that you are looking after her. have you asked her if that's what she wants?
i know i don't wnat that and will fight against it. no way will i have mine look after me in old age. their lives are theirs and i refuse to take a minute of it from them.

Are you in a position where you could get professional help in to look after your mother?
would she like to go into a care home and have company from people her own age?

sorry to be of no help. i realise it's tough.

diveout

mindingmother wrote: »

I don't really know what my question is, but if it is anything, I suppose it is, how can I move in and look after my mother, and still be the free, confident and independent person I should always have been? Who would have a relationship with a guy who lives at home, minding his mother? I feel trapped, with my life running away on me. I cannot leave her alone with her fears and her frailty. She would fall to pieces. Yet even now, I swear she doesn't see me, but rather, her perfect, ten year old boy.

I'd love to throw the Monopoly board in the air, and start a brand new game from scratch. But of course, I cannot do that. What do you do when somebody loves you too much?

See the title of your thread? That is your answer.

You can't. It will death by a thousand cuts. Listen, a lot of people wont understand, and you might feel guilted into it, but seriously, there is such a thing as good selfishness, and no one can judge you.

Do not move back in.

stickybookmark

I also don't think you should move back in. I think - live nearby, and organise a home help to come in and help her for a few hours a day. There are lots of elderly parents around the country (I mean everyone has a parent, and every parent grows old) but there are not lots of people that move in with their elderly parents!
There are ways around these things other than full scale moving in with the person.

I have to say if I was a woman that met you for a date, it would put me off if you said you live with your mother. You have your own life to live, it's not too late for you to meet a partner but in order to do that you need to be living on your own.

tinkerbell

I think you would be mad to move in with your mother. You can't just postpone your life for another 20/30 years to become a live-in carer, if that is not what you want to do. Why do you even need to move in? Is it that you're expected to when there is no actual need? If your mother is not even capable of looking after herself then you should be looking into getting home help and you can still live independently by yourself. Presumably you're working so the majority of the day you'd be out of the house anyway - if she can manage for that part of the day, then a home help is all she needs. If she needs full time 24/7 care then sorry to be blunt but unless you're a qualified carer and are willing to give up your job then you need to look into nursing homes.

Merkin

I think you'd be absolutely mad to move back in. Your mother is frail, widowed and you said her fears and anxiety are growing deeper in intensity. You don't say anything about her being ill. Which means that in all likelihood she could live for another twenty years maybe. Moving back in will be putting the nail in your OWN coffin and undoing all the work you have done on yourself over the last few decades. Employ a home help, go and visit as much as you can, be a supportive son, but for your own sanity and future happiness you must change your plans to move in.

December2012

I think it's great that you've realised this problem now and not when you're older.

Obviously we can't advise you on your mothers health issues. But, there are home help options from the HSE, respite and day centres, and other options you could look into. Call your local public health nurse to sort this out.

Secondly, your mother cannot dictate your life now. You have 14 waking hours per day - let's say 10 of them are spent at work 5 days a week. That still gives you time for part time college to expand your career, a few hours for a social life and time to visit your mam.

And then you still have your weekends too for more personality and character building and yes - fun! - things to do.

Look at meetup.com to find things that suit you.

Maybe when your mother sees that you are having fun in your life she will be happy. Nothing bad has ever happened to you. Maybe it did to her and that's what she's trying to prevent. But she has to cut the apron strings herself.

And if she does not change (which is unlikely), you still can.

Lou.m

mindingmother wrote: »

For years I was mother's boy, a term I hate, a term that makes me cringe, because of it's connotations, the negative reactions from others, and the humiliation.

I was blessed with a mother who loved me. But she dressed me in too many clothes, smothered me, never let me grow up, never let me be independent, and passed on to me a whole series of her own failings, which took me years to recognise and face up to, one by one.

My mother was a prisoner of her own very old fashioned upbringing. She has a heart of gold, and would give you her last crust of bread. But she lived her whole life in irrational fear of dozens of ordinary things. She had fears of animals, fears of food, fears of people, fears of socialising, fears of going forward, fears of change from a very narrow, old fashioned way of living life.

She passed on every single one of those fears to me, and as a result, I lived my entire childhood, teenage years and early adulthood in fear, awkwardness and social inability and isolation. My mother knew best, and so the rest of the world had to be wrong. My mother influenced every waking moment of my life, she never let go of her stranglehold. I was her sole achievement in life, and I had to be perfect. And chief among those influences was fear.

I hated school. School years were a torture to me, and I spent the whole classroom time worrying myself sick about how I was going to get home safely, without my ritual humiliation because I was so closed and different. Nobody appeared to like me, and I could never figure out why. Of course it was me, I was so closed and awkward, I gave nobody any sign of being open to friendship. I just froze, and didn't know what to do. As soon as I got home to mother, I could return to my own private world, and be safe. I learned no social skills.

My father was a gentleman, but quiet in his own way, and never seemed able to recognise or influence my differences, and left me to make up my own mind about life.

Now, forty years later, I have the confidence I so dearly wish I could have had all my life. Something in my thirties clicked, and I began to realise the roots of all my problems, and gradually I changed, and became a person I felt much happier being. But I am miles behind in my career and my relationships, due to all the years of insecurity and social inability. I feel I am playing catch up.

Now my mother is growing frail, widowed, and if anything, her fears seem to be deepening. Chief among those fears I would say is loneliness, and fear of the future. She is wholly alone, and I now find the roles have swapped places, and it is I looking after her.

I have managed to eradicate the bitterness, although I have a gnawing feeling of having been held back all my life, and now, through her frailty, of being held back again, looking after the person who held me back all those years. I feel I am going to be in my fifties, or even sixty, before I am finally free to live the life I should have had all my life. I have had fleeting relationships, but they never lasted, and I now find myself back in the situation of having to tell prospective partners that I am living back with my mother again, having been living alone for years. It is I looking after her rather than the other way round, but it amounts to the same thing. I suppose it is the old prejudices and humiliations still there deep in my being.

I don't really know what my question is, but if it is anything, I suppose it is, how can I move in and look after my mother, and still be the free, confident and independent person I should always have been? Who would have a relationship with a guy who lives at home, minding his mother? I feel trapped, with my life running away on me. I cannot leave her alone with her fears and her frailty. She would fall to pieces. Yet even now, I swear she doesn't see me, but rather, her perfect, ten year old boy.

I'd love to throw the Monopoly board in the air, and start a brand new game from scratch. But of course, I cannot do that. What do you do when somebody loves you too much?

I first want to say I apologize for your pain.

I would say you are selfless and kind to look after her.


And don't worry about living with her. It would not bother me ...last year I dated a guy who was living at home. It ended just before Christmas for reasons unrelated to his living arrangements. We are still friends. Don't worry about it.

You need to come to an arrangement where you are independent but living with her. If that is what you decide to do.

If you don't decide to move in don't feel guilty. There is not wrong or right thing. You can still visit and such. You don't have to move home to be there for her.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your messages, you're very kind.

LegacyUser

I would agree with the other posts here you need to live apart from your mother. The reality is that you saw what fears ect she passed on to you and how it stopped you from having the life other people of your age had.
You left home, were making changes to your life and making up for lost time.

You don't need to live with your mother. You have told us she is alone and is getting frail but at this stage you need to consider what is the best thing for both of you.
The reality is that you mother needs to get out of the house and make some friends of her own age. Could you see if there is a day center near her - most have a bus service that collect people, bring them to the center where they have activities ect.
Your mother would meet and chat to people of her own age.
What about the ICA or some local clubs that would be of interest to her ie active retirement, gardening clubs ect?
If she needs some help to stay at home contact your local public health nurse and they can advise you on what services are available in your local area.

The reality is that you don't need to live with her but you could live a few miles away from her. You could arrange to call to her a few times a week and phone her each day
She may not be happy about this but you need to consider your own life.
You are now 40 and you need to ask yourself where do you see yourself at 50 - Do you want to be living at home with Mammy or do you want to be married with your own family if you meet the right person?
Do you want to have a circle of friends, your own social life and to be happy within yourself and with your own life?
If you stay at home you will end being old before your time. At 60 you don't want to be looking back on the life you missed out on because you made a bad decision when you were 40.
You missed out on some parts of life when you were younger but 40 is not old and you still have time to move on with and to improve your own life once you don't stay living at home with your mother.

At this stage you need to make plans and move away from home as soon as possible.
You need to stand up to your mother in a nice way. Yes you will be there for her but you won't stay living with her. She is giving into her fears ect and your letting her treat you like a child. You can't put your life on hold any longer to suit your mother as long term it is not good for either of you.

If you met someone you don't want them to met your mother until your ready. You want to be able to have alone time when you met a woman and not be worried will she still want to see me if she knows I live with Mammy.
You need to work on improving your life, making new friends and in time you may have a relationship.
You will only get from your life what you put in. At the moment you have time to improve things but if you stay living at home with your mother I think you will end up as a bitter old man because what you missed out on in your life.

makeandcreate

diveout wrote: »

See the title of your thread? That is your answer.

You can't. It will death by a thousand cuts. Listen, a lot of people wont understand, and you might feel guilted into it, but seriously, there is such a thing as good selfishness, and no one can judge you.

Do not move back in.

Listen to the advice above.
You have one life - people might judge and criticise your choices but once you have decided the care you have chosen for your mother is the most appropriate then stand by the decision. There are often more choices than we allow ourselves to see.
I've recently decided to let someone else take care of my children for 12 hours a week - I had a belief that I had to be there 24/7 (oh - the conditioning!) and at the same time resented it.
I kept saying I couldn't afford to have someone else look after them but the truth is, I can't afford not to. Neither can you.
Be the happy, independent person you are, love your mother and ensure she has the best care possible in your circumstances.
And get out there and enjoy life as well - with no guilt. Oh and I'd call it kind selfishness rather than good selfishness.