Broken Engagement

rockybees

Hi all

Recently had my engagement called off by my other half. The reason given that it's a feeling we aren't right. We are together a long time and I know them pretty well and there were no signs of this coming. They we just as excited about wedding plans as I was.

Any advice as to what to do or if there is any hope of reconciling?

Thanks

Taltos

Better here OP.
For anyone who has followed this thread please read the local charter before replying.

Thanks
Taltos

Ashbx

Firstly, you refer to "them" and "they are" in your post....were you with a few people? ha ha

Ok on a serious note, I am very sorry to hear your news. I was with my boyfriend for 7 years and we decided to break up a few years ago. We were together since I was 15 and at 22, I felt like I haven't lived my life. We broke up, and both enjoyed being single, in fact, both of us had brief relationships during this time. We didn't see eachother much but because we had been with eachother for so long, we both had a lot of mutual friends. I didn't think we were ever getting back together. A year later, we started chatting and it came back up in conversation one evening ....fast forward 4 years and we are living together, have a little dog and we are as happy as ever!

In my experience, our break up was the best thing for us. It gave us a chance to get away from eachother and think about what we really wanted. I was getting down because I hadn't "experienced life". But after the year, I thought to myself that I was experiencing life, but I was just doing it with my boyfriend! So my advice to you is not to worry about it too much. If it happens, it happens! Take this time to enjoy YOU! Hang out with your mates and take a look at your relationship and see if its what you really want (I don't want to offend you, but your partner obviously has their reasons as to why he/she broke it off). Im not sure how recent ago your engagement was called off but give it time. I know its very surreal to not have your partner around you after all these years but you do get used to it, and soon you will start to ask yourself what do you need in this boyfriend/girlfriend. Most importantly, give eachother space! You will never reconcile if one of you is constantly annoying the other person!

Best of luck and I hope everything turns out well for you.

Ashbx

Taltos wrote: »

Better here OP.
For anyone who has followed this thread please read the local charter before replying.

Thanks
Taltos

Sorry Mod, I was already replying before your message showed up!

Merkin

I think all too often one partner can be blind-sided by an apparently "sudden" breakup when in actual fact the "dumper" has been internalizing and mulling over their doubts for a lot longer. Think back to when you've broken up with someone. You have these creeping doubts that you try to suppress at first and then over time you realize that it's not going to work. You don't necessarily express them to your partner for fear the relationship is salvageable and consequently they only really come out in the open when the decision has been made.

I very much doubt a reconciliation is on the cards. I think it takes guts to pull out of a wedding and they probably came to the decision after a lot of agonizing. I'm sorry this happened to you but it is ultimately easier to get out of a wedding than it is to get out of a marriage.

Best of luck for the future. Console yourself that it's better not to be with someone who's heart isn't in it entirely x

lifeandtimes

Ashbx wrote: »

Firstly, you refer to "them" and "they are" in your post....were you with a few people? ha ha.

Think they used these terms to protect the gender of them so as if they were to read this,they wouldnt be able to confirm it was them or not

Ashbx

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Think they used these terms to protect the gender of them so as if they were to read this,they wouldnt be able to confirm it was them or not

Ah ha, that would make sense alright! Thanks for clarifying!

Linka

rockybees wrote: »

Hi all

Recently had my engagement called off by my other half. The reason given that it's a feeling we aren't right. We are together a long time and I know them pretty well and there were no signs of this coming. They we just as excited about wedding plans as I was.

Any advice as to what to do or if there is any hope of reconciling?

Thanks

I doubt there is any hope of reconciling. As Merkin has said, it must have taken a lot for your other half to end the engagement, heartbreaking to do. It would have taken some time to come to that conclusion. This person is being honest with themselves and honest with you. Marriage is a big commitment, and it's pointless going through it if you have any doubts. If they'd been cowardly about it, it would eventually have come to a head and you're then looking at separation and divorce, which can go on for years.

Alf. A. Male

rockybees wrote: »

Any advice as to what to do or if there is any hope of reconciling?

Thanks

I'm sure this seems rather obvious, but how would we know? It could be a speed wobble at the approaching wedding and a few words of reassurance will steady the ship , it could be a previously unrealised fear of commitment, it could be a lot of things, but the only person who can tell you is them and your only course of action is to talk to them if they're willing.

rockybees

Thanks for your opinions. I guess I'm just confused about it all. There honestly were no signs. A few days prior we were doing our guest list. Then this bombshell.

Maybe I'll get to grips with it in time. Hard to see that at the minute.

Addle

I also have a broken engagement behind me.
Two years later and I'm only starting to get back to my old self now.
I'd take a broken engagement over a broken marriage any time.

Merkin

Of course it is you poor thing, I am sure it came as a terrible shock.

Sometimes though, it takes the finality or permanence of something, to actually make someone sit up and take notice. Take that Rory McIlroy guy recently. They'd just sent out their wedding invitations and there was mass incredulity at how he could break up with a girl so close to the wedding. It makes perfect sense to me. He was probably having some doubts and then getting to the stage in their relationship where they were physically sending out invites to an imminent wedding probably made him make up his mind once and for all that he didn't want that.

I suspect your partner was going through something similar and the reality of actually going through with a wedding became too much. I am sure it must be very painful but if their heart wasn't in it then are much better off x

rockybees

Hi Addle

Thanks for this. How did you cope? Did you try to reconcile at all?

Addle wrote: »

I also have a broken engagement behind me.
Two years later and I'm only starting to get back to my old self now.
I'd take a broken engagement over a broken marriage any time.

Addle

There was no going back from it, but we were a couple who had broken up and gotten back together pre engagement. It would have been easy at times to get back together, but it would have been the wrong thing to do.

I am so relieved now that we never married.

Even though we were long termers, the proposal was a complete surprise to me, all of his own accord.
The break up was devastating, and very close to the wedding.
I was heartbroken, embarrassed and homeless.

At that time, I thought I was mad about him, but with the benefit of hindsight, I realise now that I was just mad full stop.

I still cry sometimes, but I know I'm better off without him.
I know I'm better off alone than with someone who would treat me the way he did.

rockybees

Ok I see what you're saying. Can I Pm you Addle?



quote="Addle;90759386"]There was no going back from it, but we were a couple who had broken up and gotten back together pre engagement. It would have been easy at times to get back together, but it would have been the wrong thing to do.

I am so relieved now that we never married.

Even though we were long termers, the proposal was a complete surprise to me, all of his own accord.
The break up was devastating, and very close to the wedding.
I was heartbroken, embarrassed and homeless.

At that time, I thought I was mad about him, but with the benefit of hindsight, I realise now that I was just mad full stop.

I still cry sometimes, but I know I'm better off without him.
I know I'm better off alone than with someone who would treat me the way he did.[/quote]

macplato

I also broke off an engagement, for the same reasons as your partner, OP. I'd had this gentle, nagging feeling that we weren't right for each other for a good while. I loved him (or rather I thought I did), we didn't argue very often, we had fun together, I was happy about the engagement, so there was no reason to break up other than that faint sense - this isn't right.

Eventually something happened - nothing huge, a happy, loving couple would be able to deal with it easily, but in our case it blew up into a major fight. I moved into a hotel that same night, couldn't sleep, felt like I was stuck in some horrific nightmare. In the morning I got up for work, feeling dizzy and sick, splitting headache, puffed up eyes. I felt horrible. And at the same time I felt light, and grounded and connected to myself. The colours around me seemed so much brighter and juicier - I felt alive. What a weird confusing experience!

We met a few days later, he apologised, we embraced and we both cried. He told me he loved me, I said it back, and I felt it. But I already knew this wasn't it, I gave him back the ring. The bright colours and sense of aliveness were my confirmation (don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it could possibly understand what I'm talking about here).

I don't think there is a chance of reconciliation, OP. When someone says "this doesn't feel right", it usually means they know they have to move on. My ex tried to get back with me many times, he kept reminding me the great things about us and about our relationship, but it did nothing for me. Yes, the memories were painful, but the inner knowing was undeniable and irresistible.

It took a long time for me to actually see why we weren't right for each other. It's all very clear to me now, 6 years later, but all I had back then was just that gentle sense that it wasn't right.

The next few months are going to be tough, OP, expect loads of conflicting feelings and emotions, loads of confusion and pain. Other people may advise you differently, and who knows, they may be right - but my advice is - let go of the hope that you will be getting back together, it's not gonna happen. And don't try to make it happen, because as I said, when someone says "this doesn't feel right" and he or she has the guts to follow through on that feeling, they usually know what they are doing.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you, OP. Take good care of yourself.

rockybees

Thanks macplato. I suppose you are right and it's funny the way your head says one thing but your heart another.

In some cases I have heard of reconciliations but not
not all. I suppose every one is different. And the main thing being that both have to want it for it to work.

The only thing I can do is try to accept it as early as I can and move on with my life. Get myself happy as a person again.I know have a lot to offer in a relationship so here's hoping I get to show it again.

njs030

I also have a broken engagement in my past, it was a horrible horrible time.
We did try to reconcile, in hindsight I can see it just prolonged the agony as there was months of messing and pain and upset for both of us, our families and friends.

In the end it was a relief to actually walk away knowing it was over and I wouldn't change it.

Tokyo

rockybees wrote: »

Ok I see what you're saying. Can I Pm you Addle?

Hi rockybees - seeing as you are a new member here, you might take the time to familiarise yourself with the forum charter before posting again. Requesting PM's from other members in the PI/RI fora is not allowed here for the reasons laid out in the charter.

Regards,
Mike

rockybees

Ok didn't realise. Will do

rockybees

Do you wish you tried to move on rather than reconcile?

Addle

Generally, I believe in second chances, no more though.

You need to give yourself time to get over the break up rather than just try to rebound too quickly.

What's more important to you?
The engagement/marriage or the relationship?

rockybees

No need to think about that one. The relationship for sure.

The wedding was lovely but I didn't need the trimmings and I wanted was my other half.

midnight_train

Hi OP, so sorry to hear you're going through this. I broke off my engagement a few years ago. The situation was a bit different - in a nutshell, I had a long-distance boyfriend who I just didn't know very well. We had a whirlwind romance, moved in and got engaged quite quickly. As time went by, I realised that although he was a nice guy in many ways, he was not the guy for me. However, wedding preparations were well underway, plus I did love him and wanted things to work out. We went to couples counselling a few times and I went to see the counsellor on my own. As much as I tried to ignore my nagging doubts, I just couldn't. We still go on well, didn't argue much, but I just knew, deep deep down, that he wasn't the guy I wanted to marry.

It all came to a head one night about 10 weeks before our wedding. I felt awful, but I knew I had to end it. Although I felt VERY upset, I also felt a huge sense of relief. For so long, I had been worrying and fretting about marrying this man. And now - I didn't have to. My life was once again my own. After a few weeks went by - the worst time, of cancelling the wedding, having to tell people, dealing with insensitive questions, moving out, etc etc - after all that, I truly felt like ME again. Despite any lingering feelings of sadness, my greatest feeling was pure, intense relief.

After we broke up, I saw my life in a whole new way - and I was so much more appreciative of MY OWN life, things I had built and developed on my own. I had been so caught up in the relationship and wanting to get married that I'd neglected myself - the most important person! In the aftermath of the breakup, I re-discovered my relationship with my family and my close friends, I made new friends, I made huge strides in my career, I truly enjoyed being single and unencumbered. Eventually, I did meet someone else, and although things didn't work out in the long run, I had good times in the relationship and I experienced new things and made new connections.

About three years after I cancelled my wedding, I met my now-boyfriend, and - I don't want to jinx it - but I think he's the one for me. Maybe it took getting so close to being married and then not doing it, but I think my man-picker has gotten much better. I can honestly say that every day with my boyfriend is better than the last, and I truly appreciate how great he is after having gone through such a massive breakup in the past.

And - this is TOTAL vanity - I lost a sh1tload of weight in the weeks after calling off the wedding because of all the stress and I gotta say, I looked pretty hot. And it felt great!

I'm so sorry again that you're going through this. I remember at the time thinking that I was the only person who'd called off a wedding. But there's actually loads of people who've gone though it, on both sides. And as another poster said, better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage.

Good luck and keep the chin up xx

Bafucin

Must be a terrible shock.

But remember divorce is too and it takes YEARS in Ireland.

You have the right to go through all the emotions etc.

But really you are luckier finding out now.

LegacyUser

I know that it is not easy for you at the moment after your engagement braking up.

One of my friend was due to get married and a few weeks before the wedding he told her he was not ready to get married. She was very upset at the time.
About 2 years after this we were both out one night when she met this man. I told her then if he contacts you please go out with him. Now over 10 years later she is married and has two children.

I would let your family and friends know what has happened. I would not try to get back with your other half in the hope that given some more time he/she will change there mind as your only stopping both of your lives moving forward.
It is hard to end a long term relationship but it is better that things ended now then in a few years time when you could have child/children involved.
I have seen couples getting married when they knew things were not great between them but there relationships could not deal with some hard times that came there way.
I know of several couples who are staying together because they can't afford to split up or because they have a children. Life is to short to be with someone because you don't want to be on your own or because family/friends expect you to get married.

I believe that sometimes things happen for a reason which we can't see at the time. It is only apparent when we move on with our lives that we met other people, change jobs ect and it as at that stage we begin to see what is met for us won't pass us by.

Chattastrophe!

In my case, I was the one who broke off the engagement.

It wasn't a decision I took lightly. I'd never, ever have done it unless I knew with absolute certainty that this was it - there was no going back, no hope of reconciliation.

If I were you, I'd forget all thoughts of that.

As for what to do? Live. Get on with your life. Find things to keep you busy, new interests, new people. What's done is done, but you still have the rest of your life ahead of you.