Hit 40 and hate it

LegacyUser

Hi All,
Please feel free to move if in the wrong place. Going unreg for this one also.

A few months back i hit 40 - no big party just a nice time with wife and kids with extended family. My wife has been saying how we are both getting better with age and that we are more attracted to each other now then when we met 20 years back. Everything was supposed to be great but I am having a hard time.

I love my wife and just think she is amazing, The kids are also amazing but i find myself just hate being 40 - just looking back at the last twenty years seeing how far i have come in personal and professional life i should be delighted but feel i have missed out on loads also?

Just see that people around me seem to have it all and we seem to struggle by in our little house, massive neg equity means we cannot move like others into a house that would better suit the family.

I have a fantastic job in a very well respected worldwide company I have worked hard to get to where i am now and love my position. But still feel like something is lost. Wife called it a mid life crisis (MLC) - I don't crave a two seater or the young blonde but maybe that's not a typical MLC. I am not depressed about being 40 but I am down about it.... crap feeling.

I want to really enjoy my 40's but something is holding me back.... anybody else every have something like this? how did you deal with it.......?

Thanks and apologies if it is not making sence

Mr. Incognito

Life is attitude.

You will look back in your sixties and think how great you had it.

Enjoy your kids. Volunteer, start living for other people and you will find joy in helping others.

You can actually choose to be happy or unhappy. Also, start reading books of people that had incredible tribulations and kept positive

This is a good read for example

http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3149827.Alistair_Urquhart

Diziet

Getting older is part of life, you can decide to have a good life or to keep worrying about getting older. Deciding to have a good life is to be recommended. Mind your health, and enjoy your family and friends. You seem to be in a good place.

Pawn

40+ hate it wrote: »

anybody else every have something like this? how did you deal with it.......?

Well I am not 40 yet, but I'll be there in a couple of years. I was getting a weird feeling of kind of "loneliness" in a sense that "nobody understands me, where the hell is everyone, why are we not doing crazy/funny/interesting things any more". When did everyone (including old mates) start looking for stupid and predictable excuses instead of just saying, "Hell, yeah, let's do it!"? Sure I get that they are busy with jobs and family, but come on!!! So am I!

I have learned to live on my own without relying on others. I have joined Airsoft team and met a few maniacs, it gets me properly wrecked every now and then. I enjoy fecking off for a weekend of wild camping somewhere in Donegal - on my own. I stopped chasing my own tail, worrying too much and overthink.

You will be surprised how many people feeling like you are out there.

LegacyUser

I guarantee there are many who would envy you, many who would see you as someone who 'has it all.' No one has it all. We all just have to muddle through. You are fortunate to have a great family and job, so give yourself credit for what you've achieved there. If you are feeling stuck in a rut, could some novelty get you excited about life again? Maybe you and your wife could get away for a bit of a holiday - doesn't have to be far afield, even something like a cycle holiday around the Ring of Kerry could be something different and fun. You could take up a new or an old hobby, organise a reunion of old friends you've not seen in a while, get involved in helping out with activities at your kids' school...

secman

I have been worrying about silly stuff and then a good friend of mine was diagnosed with leukaemia, his battle has put a lot into perspective for me, embarrassing what I was worrying about. It's a short term situation for you , I suspect it's a bit of a mid life crisis, most of us have been there, put your situation into perspective, how much worse could it be, family all healthy. ... lovely wife ... kids. ... job.... roof over your head..... you have a lot of positive s. You will smile to yourself when you look back at yourself in a few years ..

Merkin

Not to be terse but I count every day as a blessing. So should you. So many people don't make it to 40. Be grateful for good health and loved ones and if you're stuck in a rut go and do something about it.

40+ hate it

40+ hate it wrote: »

i should be delighted but feel i have missed out on loads also?

Just see that people around me seem to have it all

I think this was all I needed to read to feel I might know where you are at.

Like I used to do - you seem to be judging yourself against the standards of others and not your OWN standards. You are judging your life against goals - milestones - ideas - and ideals - that OTHER people have set for you either directly or indirectly.

And one thing I have learned in this life is you will never - EVER - meet those standards because they are always _someone elses_.

Instead I recommend you do what I did. Set your own standards based on your own life. And your standards should be --day to day-- standards. And it is as simple as THIS:

Judge yourself today against no other standard than against the person you were yesterday. And aim to do nothing but improve yourself upon yesterday in some small way. Be it physically - mentally - spiritually -educationally - or in some small aspect of your relationship with you spouse or kids. Simply take one tiny part of your life each day and improve upon it and love it - and make sure that the next time your head hits the pillow that you have left either yourself or the world around you "better" than it was last time your head LEFT that pillow.

As long as your live by external standards your life will never quite feel right. Live by internal standards that feed off the external reality of your life around you - and you will do ok.

Pumpkinseeds

I think it's just one of those things that happens tbh. I was worse at 39, 40 was better and at 41 I'm OK with it. 39 was a very melancholy year, just the whole lead up to 40 depressed me and that took me by surprise, my husband was the very same at that age.

I think that it's just the first mile stone birthday that most people don't look forward to celebrating. I didn't have a big party, I basically just ignored the day. It'll pass OP.

Rubberchikken

dont place such emphasis on being 40.
it's just a number. you have a wife and kids. you have a home and job.
please dont let dissatisfaction at having been lucky enlough to reach 40 ruin the future.

kunst nugget

Merkin wrote: »

Not to be terse but I count every day as a blessing. So should you. So many people don't make it to 40. Be grateful for good health and loved ones and if you're stuck in a rut go and do something about it.

I've been seeing a quote around the internet recently which I think is very true:

Telling someone they can't be sad because others have it worse is like saying someone can't be happy because others have it better

Milestones can be hard for some people because a lot of time they make us look at where we are in life compared to where we saw ourselves being when we are younger. But the OP does realise all the positives in his life though and I think he's got some great advice to get himself motivated and start appreciating life a bit more.

Merkin

Far point well made Kunst. Of course everyone's feelings are very personal to them so I probably came across a bit harshly. I do however find if I'm prone to bouts of self-pity I try and look at the bigger picture and realize just how fortunate I am. There's a lot to be said for having a bit of perspective too.

kunst nugget

Merkin wrote: »

Far point well made Kunst. Of course everyone's feelings are very personal to them so I probably came across a bit harshly. I do however find if I'm prone to bouts of self-pity I try and look at the bigger picture and realize just how fortunate I am. There's a lot to be said for having a bit of perspective too.

Ah, tbf, a bit of perspective is always important and the OP does seem to have it. Turning 40 is a strange one but I think he's got some good advice and at least he's talking to his wife about it which means he's not bottling it up. I suppose the point is take more time to appreciate the things he has that makes him happy and just get out there and enjoy living.

ongarboy

I'll be hitting that milestone in the next couple of years too and you know what, it doesn't bother me! In recent years due to a fair number of passings in my family and hearing a constant stream of tragedies and lifes snuffed out so young, I've become very aware of my own mortality. It has changed my attitude to life in a positive way, I think. I now look at each year's birthday as a privilege that I got to live to be that age and still be healthy and well (and I'm pretty certain I'll feel more like that when I reach milestone ages like 40).

I guess what also helps me feel that way is that a lot of other stuff in my life is ok right now (satisfactory job, comfortable home, great partner and family and friends I can rely on, pretty good health). I could focus on the fact that I'm majorly in negative equity in an address that isn't my dream location, that I'm not in a job I love and unable to identify a career that I'd be passionate about, but that would be the human nature instinct of focussing on what I don't have. Don't get me wrong, I do focus on that sometimes but I thankfully also put enough perspective on what I do have to get me through the tough times.

OP - the list of things you mention that you do have and acknowledge that you have, amazing wife who you love, amazing kids, progressed career wise etc, a home - all things that so many posters who come to this forum yearn for and would give anything to have what you have. I think you just need to put a little perspective on things and stop focussing on a number as that all 40 is.

My 83 year old dad plays golf once a week, daily walks, goes on 2-3 foreign holidays a year and will go on a weekend break up the country with my mom at the drop of a hat. He still gets up on ladders to paint ceilings and gutters (we try and stop him to no avail! ) and will swim in the Atlantic when it's too cold for the rest of us! Should he be twice as glum and despondent as you as he's more than twice your age and far closer to his maker than you? No, because his attitude and perspective doesn't allow it. I think you need to evaluate and change yours - you've got so many good things going on!

December2012

It's ok to feel a bit meh about your life from time to time.

Sometimes we take stock at a birthday, when we lose a job, when a friend gets married or has a baby, or if there's a death.

Your trigger just happens to be your birthday.

Can you change the things in your life that you don't like?

What can you do differently?

username123

I worried about 40 approaching a bit.

I quit the cigs at 37 and decided then that when I'd get to 40 I'd be fitter than id ever been. I had a little motto: Fitter at 40 than ever before!

On my 40th birthday I went to the gym and ran further and faster than I ever had before. I felt invincible.

It's all just a state of mind.

miamee

40+ hate it wrote: »

Hi All,
Please feel free to move if in the wrong place. Going unreg for this one also.

A few months back i hit 40 - no big party just a nice time with wife and kids with extended family. My wife has been saying how we are both getting better with age and that we are more attracted to each other now then when we met 20 years back. Everything was supposed to be great but I am having a hard time.

I love my wife and just think she is amazing, The kids are also amazing but i find myself just hate being 40 - just looking back at the last twenty years seeing how far i have come in personal and professional life i should be delighted but feel i have missed out on loads also?

Just see that people around me seem to have it all and we seem to struggle by in our little house, massive neg equity means we cannot move like others into a house that would better suit the family.

I have a fantastic job in a very well respected worldwide company I have worked hard to get to where i am now and love my position. But still feel like something is lost. Wife called it a mid life crisis (MLC) - I don't crave a two seater or the young blonde but maybe that's not a typical MLC. I am not depressed about being 40 but I am down about it.... crap feeling.

I want to really enjoy my 40's but something is holding me back.... anybody else every have something like this? how did you deal with it.......?

Thanks and apologies if it is not making sence

I can understand this though my first reaction when reading your post yesterday OP was a bit harsher - getting old is much preferable to the alternative

You possibly thought when you were younger that by the time you reached a milestone age like 40 that you would have life all figured out and would be content with what you had worked hard for, nice house, car, happy family, etc. and things would be great, all your needs would be met and you would just be living the life of Reilly. But in reality I think that is very rare at any age.

You feel like you have missed out on loads but nobody can or does do it all - people who are doing things you envy are not doing everything you do. Perhaps they envy your family life and fill their time with hobbies, travelling, sports, whatever, to fill that space in their life that is taken up by family time in yours?

If there are specific things that you feel you are missing out on, is there a way that you can work towards them or some version of them? Your wife sounds great, I am sure you can hatch an excellent plan for the next 20 years between you

Queen-Mise

Turning 40 was a relief for me. 20s were wild - probably far, far too wild.
Had two kids, the marriage and the unenviable depression for the 30s (5-6 years that lasted).
Came out of just before turning 40. So for me, I have left all the sh*te behind me, and am happy to start living life my way.


Take up something for yourself OP - for you and only you. Be a bit self-indulgent. Depending on ages of kids, does depend a lot on what you can do.

Age is just a number, if you have your health, then that is what is really important.

Bafucin

40+ hate it wrote: »

Hi All,
Please feel free to move if in the wrong place. Going unreg for this one also.

A few months back i hit 40 - no big party just a nice time with wife and kids with extended family. My wife has been saying how we are both getting better with age and that we are more attracted to each other now then when we met 20 years back. Everything was supposed to be great but I am having a hard time.

I love my wife and just think she is amazing, The kids are also amazing but i find myself just hate being 40 - just looking back at the last twenty years seeing how far i have come in personal and professional life i should be delighted but feel i have missed out on loads also?

Just see that people around me seem to have it all and we seem to struggle by in our little house, massive neg equity means we cannot move like others into a house that would better suit the family.

I have a fantastic job in a very well respected worldwide company I have worked hard to get to where i am now and love my position. But still feel like something is lost. Wife called it a mid life crisis (MLC) - I don't crave a two seater or the young blonde but maybe that's not a typical MLC. I am not depressed about being 40 but I am down about it.... crap feeling.

I want to really enjoy my 40's but something is holding me back.... anybody else every have something like this? how did you deal with it.......?

Thanks and apologies if it is not making sence

Good news OP

There is not a thing you can do about it. So don't do anything.

So one day you are 39 the next 40...and what???? You are no diff to the day before. You will get used to it. Try and get used to it faster.

Don't look a the lives of others...you never know really whats going on with them. You see what you see.

Live your life do what you want.