Single & Scared for Future

LegacyUser

Hi,

So I was reading over a thread here (the "Why Are You Still Single" one) which raised some questions and worries within me that I've been trying to avoid.

I'm 20 and have never been in a relationship. I've had a few close friends ask have I ever been in one (I'll explain why in a minute) and I usually lie about having had a short one when I was 15, to get out of the embarrassment.

I have a considerable amount of older male friends towards my friends my age (four close male friends aged between 26 and 33, alongside a few others who I'm not very close with). I like to think I'm fairly mature and that's why I haven't clicked as such with someone my age. All four of my close male friends have at one point or another, expressed romantic interest in me (I'm not interested) or said if we had less of an age gap they'd date me (and it wasn't in a "give a dog a bone," way. I wasn't fishing for them to say that and was genuinely surprised and flattered by them). That makes me think that there's nothing wrong with me, but why don't guys my age see me the same way?

The question of my previous relations usually rises if friends are talking about their past relationships, or love in general. I'm a sucker for romantic films, and hope that one day I will be married with a few children and have the whole "happily ever after" sort-of thing. However I've never seen a relationship last growing up, except for close relatives of mine who are very unhappy in their marriages but are sticking it out (constantly fighting but won't leave each other). It makes me worried that I'll never find someone and get married, have kids, etc. I don't really even know how to make a relationship work. I've never been in one. My parents split before I was born and Dad stopped visiting when I was little. Mam hasn't had a boyfriend in years. Aunts and uncles are all single or unhappy in their relationships, and growing up I always expected my grandparents to divorce as they were that unhappy (and still are).

I'm quite like a female Ted Moseby. Since I was little, I've dreamed of falling in love and getting married. Difference is, Ted searches nonstop. I don't even know where to look. I hate clubs and want to date someone, rather than shift them and text a while (I've never kissed someone, so I'm a little worried I'll be terrible at it and don't want my first kiss to be with a random drunk guy in a club too). I never connect with the guys I meet at parties. We can have a laugh sure, but I rarely fancy them (and on the off-chance I do, after a night of flirting I will find out from a friend they're taken or gay - which happens much more often than you'd expect!). I'm planning on actually attending some societies in college next year, but all the guys in my course and the ones I have modules overlapping with are either taken or not my type (i.e. heavy drinkers, smokers, recreational drug users) so I'm not holding out my hope on finding someone in college. I'm not into the idea of online dating either, as I've met many creeps online.

Having never even dated someone before scares me into thinking that it will never happen for me. I know things never go to plan, but I want to be married by the time I'm thirty, ideally when I'm 27/28. I hope to be with him three to four years before we wed, so I'd want to meet him when I'm 23/24. That isn't too far! I wouldn't want him to be my first relationship either, but I just can't find someone!

All I want is a nice, fun guy around my age. Why is that so hard to find? I think I'm quite pretty. At the moment just below average (don't think that this is a self-esteem thing - I'm just being honest as I gained a lot of weight quickly since April and have become considerably less attractive [but I'm losing it now so I'll be pretty again soon]). I often get random strangers on social media sites telling me I'm pretty, etc. People tell me I'm lovely, very sweet, and shouldn't have a problem finding someone. I'm not bothered by looks [I mean that honestly] and prefer men without six packs (unless you're Zac Efron, ha). Usually I am only attracted to men who are nice to me, fun and flirty - but if they treat me mean in a flirty way, I'll take that too. Some of the men I've fancied I didn't find attractive at all until I spoke with them, and then I would have jumped their bones!

I know people say if you look for love, you won't find it, but for most of my teenage years I wasn't bothered by never having found anyone. Then I started looking for love, and still haven't found anyone.

Basically, I'm just scared for the future.


TLDR;
I'm 20, never had a relationship. I'm afraid I'll never find someone. My older male friends say they would date me if there wasn't the age gap (personally I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone more than four years older). I think I'm alright looking. I gained a lot of weight since April. By the end of summer I hope to be healthy and pretty again. I can't see any major flaws in my personality that would repulse guys a lot. All I want is a nice guy who will treat me right and doesn't smoke or take drugs. As long as he gets my heart going, I'll be his if he'll be mine. But basically, I'm scared this will never happen.

ash23

You're only 20 OP. When I was 20 my longest "relationship" lasted about about 5 months.

In my 20s and early 30s I've had three long term relationships - 6 years, 1 year and currently coming up on 1 year.

Don't get too bogged down by the idea of a relationship. I've actually found that when I didn't want a relationship, I ended up in one. I know it's hard to see your own actions, but I see friends of mine who are so obsessed by the notion of a relationship that they end up acting nothing like themselves around potential suitors. One in particular, as soon as she meets a man, any man, she jumps about 20 steps ahead and is picturing wedding bells and babies.
I've had guys do that with me too and trust me, it's obvious, no matter how subtle they think they are being. And it sends people running for the hills.

All I can say is to enjoy your life for you. Do the things you love, travel, make new friends, socialise and take up hobbies that you enjoy. Stay busy and stay happy and you'll probably find that as soon as you are content with being alone (where it's no big deal and you're quite happy to keep going as you are) you'll have a queue of people looking to date you.

After all, what do you want in a prospective partner? Someone who's happy with their life, have good friends, enjoy life and are content overall. Or someone who is so eager to have a relationship that they will date people who are unsuitable just because, who are intense and obsessive over the relationship....who make you feel that they aren't with you because of the person you are but rather because you were available and interested.

Just relax about it. Enjoy your 20s because you'll blink and wake up 30 lol.

Also to add, don't stress too much about the first kiss. When it happens you'll know exactly what to do! Don't bother planning what age you'll be married by or meeting someone by. Life will throw you a curve ball every single time you think you've got it sorted.
Everyone thinks they want to be married by the time they are 30. And some are. But by the time you get to 30, you won't feel any different between being 20 and 30. When you're young, 30 seems so old but it really isn't.

Just to give you an idea, of the 6 people I'm currently sitting with, one got married for the second time at 24 and started her family then. I had a child at 20 and am 31 now and still single (dating someone but not married) and I'm not planning any more children. Another married at 39 and had her first baby at 40. Another married in her early 20s but spent 15 years trying to conceive her first. The others are all single and childless and vary from late 20s to early 40s.

There's no formula for life OP. You just take it as it comes.