Don't know where to turn or what to do...

LegacyUser

A situation arose earlier today that has my still shaking and trying not to cry. For a bit of background information, my parents split up years ago, when we were still toddlers. Myself and my brother live with our mother but go out to our fathers house every second weekend where he has a family (two daughters) with our step mother. Relations with our father were always iffy, he was unreliable and always gave the impression he only put up with us because he had to. Myself and my father fell out at one stage and I stopped visiting for several months but started talking again. Our relationship with our step mother was just speaking terms due to several incidents where she manipulated our father and spoke lies about us and our mother. 3 years ago, our first half sister was born and a year later, our second and from then, it seemed that Dad really started to try with my brother (who is 16). He would do projects with him and everything. I've been at college for the last few years so haven't been home very often. During the time away, I heard my brother and step mother had some minor falling outs such as, when my sister was being toilet trained, she was too late at one point to go and my stepmother rounded on my brother and blamed him for it (he was, at the time, playing with our other sister while our stepmother was watching tv). Despite this, he continued to go, for our sisters more than anything else.
I've been home for the summer and go along with my brother. I noticed while I was there that my brother could barely sit down for ten minutes without being told to do something, from cutting the grass, to making tea, to minding the kids and so on. I could see that it was annoying him but he said nothing.
Today, I was away for a few hours. My brother had to go to a competition later in the day. However, I got a phone call from him when I was not long gone and he sounded very shaken and obviously upset. He could barely get out what he was trying to say so I got the jist of it and then rang back later to get the full story. I was frightened for my brother and got upset that I wasn't there to help, but as I was somewhere packed, I held it in. It turns out, my brother asked my father if he could leave for the competition soon, as he was needed to help set up. My father (who was in the middle of doing something) refused, saying that they hardly needed him to help, and that he can go whenever the competition starts. My brother tried explaining to him that no, he was needed, as they were short on people. My father got angry and my brother got angry back. I'm not entirely sure what was said but next thing, my father had his hands around my brothers neck. My brother grabbed my fathers neck to try and get away and succeeded but my father tackled him to the ground and continued to wrap his hands around his neck. My brother managed to kick him off and grab his stuff. On his way out, my father tried to grab him again but my brother got out and walked to the competition, several miles away. This was in sight of my stepmother and sisters.
After hearing this, I decided I didn't want to spent the rest of the evening there so I went to get my own things (my boss gave me a lift out and then a lift home). When I got there, I asked for Dad's side of the story. According to him, he did it because he "will not stand for people raising their voices at me in my own house". I told him that I was going home as I needed to wrap my head around it all. My father then proceeded to get angry with me, asking "what the hell is there to wrap your head around. I shouldn't have done it but I won't stand for it", he then proceeds to tell me how it was entirely my brothers fault. I got upset again and told him I didn't want to listen to any more and I was going. He said "that's the thing with you two, you don't know how to listen". I tried to explain how I had never gotten into much trouble in my life, and that I did nothing to deserve the anger directed at me, how my brother also rarely gets in trouble, despite how we were being treated, however I was crying too hard from fear and anger, that I couldn't get it out and just left.
My boss drove me home and gave me tomorrow off but I don't know what to do. I don't think we can tell our mother, as she would go strangle Dad herself if she found out. What about our sisters? It's bad enough they had to witness it, but what about when they get to teenage years? Will he react the same way with them? Is he even safe to be around now, if he tried to strangle someone (his own son) for getting angry back? Is there anything we should do or should we just forget it and never go back? Sorry if any of the above is muddled, I'm still in shock...

Tokyo

OP, I know that you don't want to, but you need to tell your mother the full story as soon as possible. Your father's behaviour is bullying and abusive, and there is no "side of the story" to hear. As the primary carer your mother can take steps to ensure that your brother isn't placed in this situation again.

Rubberchikken

Agree with other post^.
You need to speak to your mother. Your brother is only 16 and he and you must have both been so upset.

Im sorry to read what occurred and hope you get the support you need.

MagicMarker

Speak to your mother, then speak to the Gardai.

GarIT

You also need to speak with the Gardaí.

Stavro Mueller

Definitely tell your mother. This is the sort of story that's eventually going to come out into the open one way or another. It'd be better for your mum to hear the story straight from the horse's mouth while the incident's still fresh in everyone's mind.

As for your stepsisters, I'm not sure what you can do really. Your stepmother has now seen what your father's capable of and won't appreciate your family sticking their oar in. People who know more about these things than I do might be able to advise.

Ham Sambo

Like all the other posters have suggested you should tell your Mum what happened, she has a right to know when something as serious has happened, I mean what would have happened if your brother didn't manage to escape does not bare thinking about.

I also wouldn't let your brother go to that house again on his own, look, nobody wants to see their Dad in this light, however what has happened has happened, your Dad had absolutely no right to put his hands around your brothers neck, he is supposed to be the adult in all this, tell your Mum and make sure your brother is not on his own with him again, it should be up to your Mum if she wants to get the Gardai involved, best of luck.

Queen-Mise

OP - I'm with all the other posters.

Tell your mam, and go to the garda station with her and your brother. And report your dad.

This is not acceptable behaviour in any way. There is no situation that could have occurred that makes what your dad did acceptable.

Not surprised you are in shock. Your dad is rationalising what happened and playing it down. He shouldn't be allowed do this, what he did was nasty and horrible.

Lou.m

Tell your mother immediately. Sorry OP hugsx

LegacyUser

OP here again,
We've told our mother. She took it surprisingly well and didn't drop all to go to Dads. She was very rational about it and told my brother that it was up to him what he wanted to do but she (obviously) isn't happy with him going back to our fathers, which we aren't. If it was up to me, I would be going to the Gardai. Although, I don't think it would have the same results if my father grabbed me, as my brother is stronger than my father but my father is still a very strong man. I will try to let my brother know that that path is available and it is perfectly okay for him to go to the Gardai.
Just to further the story, my brother received texts from our father, telling him that he would be welcome out again whenever he apologises (my brother apologise to our father), that he is his father and demands more respect than what he was given, and that my brother clearly still has a lot of growing to do.
It hit me like a ton of bricks last night that it may be many years before I see my sisters again and I didn't even get to say goodbye to them.

ManOfMystery

1212 wrote: »

OP here again,
We've told our mother. She took it surprisingly well and didn't drop all to go to Dads. She was very rational about it and told my brother that it was up to him what he wanted to do but she (obviously) isn't happy with him going back to our fathers, which we aren't. If it was up to me, I would be going to the Gardai. Although, I don't think it would have the same results if my father grabbed me, as my brother is stronger than my father but my father is still a very strong man. I will try to let my brother know that that path is available and it is perfectly okay for him to go to the Gardai.
Just to further the story, my brother received texts from our father, telling him that he would be welcome out again whenever he apologises (my brother apologise to our father), that he is his father and demands more respect than what he was given, and that my brother clearly still has a lot of growing to do.
It hit me like a ton of bricks last night that it may be many years before I see my sisters again and I didn't even get to say goodbye to them.

Respect is earned. And it seems your father has never done very much to earn respect from both of you. Personally, if he is bringing nothing very good into your lives, I would just let him go.

Stavro Mueller

I'm glad to read you told your mum. It's a very upsetting time for you and emotions are still running high. I'm sorry you'll not be seeing your sisters again for a long time - they're the unfortunate collateral damage here.

Even if your brother had apologised, the assault would always be the elephant in the room. You all know what the man's capable of if you make him angry. What's even more disturbing is the lack of remorse.

stickybookmark

OP that is very rough, you poor thing. I know people can lose their temper and if your brother is a big lad, stronger than your father as you say, your father might have thought it was a fair fight but it's totally out of order to grab him around the neck! These days any violent reaction from a parent to a child is taboo but when I was growing up in the 80s it was still the time where my Dad might give one of us a clout or something but grabbing around the neck?!?!!!!! As Queen-mise said, that is not acceptable behaviour in any way, in any situation, for any reason.
It's terrible that your Dad wouldn't bring your brother to the activity when he had clearly explained he needed to be there early to help out and people were counting on him. At 16 he's too young to drive himself and would be counting on his Dad. A considerate parent would have their child's interests at heart and would not want their child to get in trouble for letting the club down. This was very selfish behaviour out of your father.
I think this will be particularly hard on your brother as boys need that male role model and as the only other male in his family I'm sure your brother really valued your father. I hope he has a male cousin, uncle or a close network of friends that can help to make up for your father letting him down.

ShowMeTheCash

I can relate to this thread:

Me and my Dad have had a very up and down relationship, my dad being someone who has had anger issues his entire life but when I hit my teens we locked horns a number of times.

It is a difficult situation, emotions with people you love are always complicated but physical violence can easily get out of hand!

Sounds like you Dad is a bully, and bullies don't like being told anything.

If you cannot talk to him rationally then I would just say.
"Look you are the adult this happens again I am calling the gardi"...

When I was 19 my dad started in on me and grabbed my by the neck.
My little brother tried to get between us resulting in my dad hitting him a slap...

Which in turn set me off, I sent my Dad to A&E after that with relative ease leaving him cowaring in the corner in a bloody mess.

My Dad was probably not a physical threat to me since the age of about 15 but I allowed him to bully me because he was my dad and I loved him until I eventually snapped!
But it should never have been allowed to get to that stage.

We did not speak for about 4 years after that granted I am older now and our relationship is pretty good but it took time to mend.

My little brother and him however have never really mended their relationship and this happened 15 years ago.

I think back to what happened and I had to work out the type of person I was and the type of person I want to be.

Hopefully your brother gets past this, its not easy specially at the age he is at.

Hope it all works out!

deisemum

I'm a mother of a 16 year old and an adult son and if their dad ever did that to either of them then I'd be reporting it to the gardai and social services so that the younger children could be in danger of the same thing in the future.

At the very least have photographs taken of your brothers neck if there are any bruises on it, if there are get it on record with a gp or gardai.

Bullies like your father rarely change for the good, more often than not they get worse.