how do i help my friend?

eef9619

i know this is really long but my friend needs help: she is 16. Her parents are divorced and her mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years ago, and has been told she wont make it to the end of this year. Her dad is in and out of his children's lives and is a very unreliable parent, my friend has even admitted to me she is a little scared of him. Hence there is a huge amount of responsibility on my friend to support her 2 younger sisters. She does everything for her family including all the cooking and cleaning. She also studies extremely hard to get straight A's and puts huge amounts of pressure on herself to be perfect all of the time. She does ballet too, and is OBSESSED with being skinny. A few years ago (before her mom was ill) she was in hospital for a few months due to anorexia, and recently i'm certain she is heading back in that direction. she is sickly thin. She rarely eats and the other night at a party i walked in on her making herself sick after having one slice of pizza (which i forced her to eat because i knew she had eaten nothing else that day). One of my friends noticed cuts on her wrists as well. I have tried talking to her SO MANY TIMES. all of my friends have. she just never opens up or listens to any of us no matter what we say or do. I cant go to her mom as she is extremely ill and the stress of this news would certainly not help her condition. She has no other adult influence in her life either. I considered going to the school councillor but i know she will know it was me or one of my friends and she will hold the grudge against us forever (she is that type of girl). Its summer now so i cant go to the school councillor even if i wanted to. i want to help her so much but she doesn't want to be helped, and there is no one else to turn to. is there anything i can do??

Kyro

Perhaps a mod would move this to the Personal Issues forum? I feel it would be better suited there.

I sympathise with your situation OP, I hope you get good advice.

Oryx

Moved from health and fitness

goldy locks

OP you should talk to your parents about this. They will tell you how best YOU can help your friend, and will help you to be there for her as they know how strong you can be.

My mum had cancer intermittently when i was 13- 18, and as my father had already passed away, it was a a cause for a great deal of mental torment for me as to what would happen if anything happened to her, a fear that stayed with me untill I was almost 30 when she did die of cancer.

Your friends mum will have a oncology and palliative care team. They should be able to provide support for your friend. you should talk to your friend and ask if she has questions for the medical team, or if she wants to know anything they will answer her questions. But be warned, some people when faced with these life changing situations, just want to deal with the now.

The best advice i can give you is to tell your friend to get to know her mum as best she can, ask all the questions she can think of, be friends with her mum, so in time when although she wishes her mum was with her to give advice or an opinion, she will already know what her mum would have said. That will be the hardest part for her, but it will be a little bit easier to know what her mum would have said/done.


Most of all remember that you are only 16,this is an issue that is far to big for you or your friend to deal with on your own,it is often too big for many adults to deal with. Do the fun things that 16 year olds do, and ask the adults who know you both for help.

Ham Sambo

Hi, it's nice that she has a good friend like you to talk to, however she should not have to take the responsibility of her siblings and Mum all on her own, does your friend have any aunts, uncles or cousins she could relay on?

You said that your friend is somewhat afraid of her dad, could you explain this please?

Tokyo

OP, I'll second the advice above and say that you need to get an adult involved in the situation - this is a burden that you can't take on by yourself and as you have said, your friend needs an adult influence in her life. I'd suggest talking to your own parents and expressing your concerns for your friend to them. They in turn may be able to speak to your friend's extended family and see what plans have been made for the welfare of your friend, and taking care of her and her siblings in the future. They will also be able to contact the relevant support agencies should they deem it necessary.

Regardless of the outcome of this, you are being a good friend by expressing your concern the way you are, and gettign her help through an adult. Don't lose sight of that.