Disappointed!

Pinch.Me

This will sound silly but it has been bugging me for a while.

My boyfriend told e that a friend of mine only talks to e because in his words the friend ''wants to get into my knickers'' That's my knickers not his knickers.

Anyway since boyfriend said this I have felt a bit doubtful of my other friend. And its crept into my thoughts when talking to other male friends too!

I dont know what to think.

BeatlesFan1992

From what I'm reading, boyfriend sounds like he wants to control who you talk too.

Or I'm just being a typical over thinking female...

Pinch.Me

BeatlesFan1992 wrote: »

From what I'm reading, boyfriend sounds like he wants to control who you talk too.

Or I'm just being a typical over thinking female...

Thank you for your answer.
I don't talk to that many people. My friends are mostly friends of his but I introduced the friend in question to boyfriend some time after boyfriend said that.... They get along well.

Lou.m

Pinch.Me wrote: »

This will sound silly but it has been bugging me for a while.

My boyfriend told e that a friend of mine only talks to e because in his words the friend ''wants to get into my knickers'' That's my knickers not his knickers.

Anyway since boyfriend said this I have felt a bit doubtful of my other friend. And its crept into my thoughts when talking to other male friends too!

I dont know what to think.

Your boyfriend if full of it.

If said male friend has not made an obvious pass at you then it seems to me your boyfriend wants to control you.

It is his issue. You have the right to have friends.

I have a lot of male friends if I had to stop talking to male friends I would end up being pretty lonely.

Your BF should not be trying to 'isolate' you from other friends or other men.

It's insecurity and it's controlling.

If the male friend has not made a move or anything the problem is your boyfriends.

And it is very unfair on you.

Pinch.Me

Lou.m wrote: »

Your boyfriend if full of it.

If said male friend has not made an obvious pass at you then it seems to me your boyfriend wants to control you.

It is his issue. You have the right to have friends.

I have a lot of male friends if I had to stop talking to male friends I would end up being pretty lonely.

Your BF should not be trying to 'isolate' you from other friends or other men.

It's insecurity and it's controlling.

If the male friend has not made a move or anything the problem is your boyfriends.

And it is very unfair on you.

My friend hasn't made a pass although he was quite flirty in a harmless jok-y way for a while. I think. I only noticed it after that was said, so maybe I was only reading something into it because of that!

It made me wonder if I unintentionally make myself seem available or interested. I am more careful about how I talk to people now.

I am probably overthinking though.

Lou.m

Pinch.Me wrote: »

My friend hasn't made a pass although he was quite flirty in a harmless jok-y way for a while. I think. I only noticed it after that was said, so maybe I was only reading something into it because of that!

It made me wonder if I unintentionally make myself seem available or interested. I am more careful about how I talk to people now.

I am probably overthinking though.

Don't modify your behavior to suit your boyfriend's insecurities.

If you are loyal and faithful that's what counts.

When you are in an exclusive relationship you can tell someone you think is getting the wrong idea that you have a BF.

But just be yourself.

I think you are overthinking.

If you are faithful then just be yourself.

Your boyfriend trusts you right?

Pinch.Me

Lou.m wrote: »

Don't modify your behavior to suit your boyfriend's insecurities.

If you are loyal and faithful that's what counts.

When you are in an exclusive relationship you can tell someone you think is getting the wrong idea that you have a BF.

But just be yourself.

I think you are overthinking.

If you are faithful then just be yourself.

Your boyfriend trusts you right?

he knows exactly who i go out with and where we'll be going or who was there.

a friend of his let slip that he had been asked to keep an eye on me when i was at the club where he works as a door man. i thought that meant just look out for me in case i was mugged or something.
boyfriend phoned me that night while i was chatting to the same man while my friend smoked a cigarette outside the door.
when i hung up he said something about boyfriend checking up on me, and he was being completely serious. i had never thought about it that way. I so rarely go out.

so maybe he doesnt exactly trust me.

thanks xxx

Not long ago before i got into my friends car to go out one night he said ''dont stray'' as he was giving me a hug.

his trust has never been tested so i always assumed he does trust me.

Lou.m

he knows exactly who i go out with and where we'll be going or who was there.

a friend of his let slip that he had been asked to keep an eye on me when i was at the club where he works as a door man.

That is VERY intrusive and controlling. It sounds scary.

boyfriend phoned me that night while i was chatting to the same man while my friend smoked a cigarette outside the door.

when i hung up he said something about boyfriend checking up on me, and he was being completely serious. i had never thought about it that way. I so rarely go out.

Not long ago before i got into my friends car to go out one night he said ''dont stray'' as he was giving me a hug.

his trust has never been tested so i always assumed he does trust me.

I think you need to talk about this with him. Why is he so obsessed with it when you have never done anything.

It's sounds like he has a problem. And it sounds pretty scary.

He has no right to ask people to check up or know EXACTLY where you are etc.

Lou.m

It's your relationship but would that not be stressful?

Anyway male friends who chat are not trying to get into your knickers.

Don't let your relationship control your life.

xx

Merkin

Pinch.Me wrote: »

Thank you for your answer.
I don't talk to that many people. My friends are mostly friends of his but I introduced the friend in question to boyfriend some time after boyfriend said that.... They get along well.

Why don't you talk to many people and why don't you have friends of your own?

Pinch.Me

Merkin wrote: »

Why don't you talk to many people and why don't you have friends of your own?

I'm not good at making time to see people and I don't feel like going out that often to be honest.

I do have friends ( I didnt explain myself well there), but I guess not bothering to see them is one reason why I do not talk to many people...

I sound a bit grumpy or antisocial I know ! LOL

Alf. A. Male

That's all very controlling and has no place in a healthy relationship. You shouldn't tolerate it. If he can't address his behaviour, I think you should be looking at the exit before it escalates.

Rachiee

Honestly its all a bit worrying.he really shouldn't be checking up on you like that,be careful its not healthy, He obviously has a lot of insecurities and he seems quite possessive. He is not only monitoring you but also trying to isolate you by undermining the friendships you do have, its kinda scary. Don't worry about your friend given your boyfriends other behaviour this is more a problem with him and if you ask me its a big problem. Mind yourself.

blatantrereg

From reading all your posts it does sound like your bf's behaviour isn't good and that he has hang-ups.

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. The main issue isn't whether your friend is interested in you in that way. It's possible that he is; but it sounds like your bf would decide that regardless - and that is the real issue. He doesn't trust you, for no apparent good reason, and is using both overt and clandestine means to check your behaviour. That should make major alarm bells ring.

It's transgressive behaviour on the part of your bf. It is an indicator of someone who will become increasingly abusive. Severely abusive relationships usually don't start out that way, one person finds themselves accepting more and more crap, becoming more and more isolated, eventually losing sense of themselves.

My fiancée has plenty of male friends. I've found them all friendly, genuine, inclusive people. Where there has been a hidden agenda, she has been the one to recognise that and deal with it. The thing is that - despite wholly appropriate attitudes on both her and her friends' parts - most people she went out with before took issue with her interacting with other guys. Simple answer: They were douches, and this sort of behaviour can manifest when there really is no grounds for suspicion.

Another point to consider is that even if there actually is grounds for suspicion, your bf's behaviour simply doesn't make sense outside of some insecure need to control people. If someone is unfaithful, then you dump them. If someone wants to be unfaithful, then dump them. You only can see someone to be faithful by letting them act the way they want to. Those are the sane options: Accept or reject. Trying to control someone's behaviour in the way your bf is just doesn't work for any purpose other than trying to establish control.

Merkin

Pinch.Me wrote: »

I'm not good at making time to see people and I don't feel like going out that often to be honest.

I do have friends ( I didnt explain myself well there), but I guess not bothering to see them is one reason why I do not talk to many people...

I sound a bit grumpy or antisocial I know ! LOL

No, you sound consumed by this relationship (to the detriment of other ones) which is a BIG mistake, particularly if your boyfriend has a propensity for control. One of the biggest mistakes you can make when you get together with someone is just dropping your friends. You say you only hang out with his friends (even the ones keeping tabs on you?) What if he decides to dump you, where will that leave you? If he is possessive, and he strikes me as being so, then I'm sure it suits him just dandy to have you friendless and under his watch. Start making time for your other relationships, independent of him.

woodchuck

OP there are a lot of alarm bells ringing here, and it's all to do with your boyfriends behaviour.

Do yourself a favour and do some reading up about controlling and emotionally abusive men... I think it will sound eerily familiar and it will only get worse with time. He's already manipulated you into changing your behaviour and that's not normal in a healthy relationship.

Purely going on what you've said here, I'd advise you to get out before you're in too deep!!!

Pinch.Me

Merkin wrote: »

No, you sound consumed by this relationship (to the detriment of other ones) which is a BIG mistake, particularly if your boyfriend has a propensity for control. One of the biggest mistakes you can make when you get together with someone is just dropping your friends. You say you only hang out with his friends (even the ones keeping tabs on you?) What if he decides to dump you, where will that leave you? If he is possessive, and he strikes me as being so, then I'm sure it suits him just dandy to have you friendless and under his watch. Start making time for your other relationships, independent of him.

We have been together since we were quite young I was 16 when we met and i am 27 now .

i have not made any effort to maintain any friendship and cant imagine a romantic relationship with anyone else.

Pinch.Me

woodchuck wrote: »

OP there are a lot of alarm bells ringing here, and it's all to do with your boyfriends behaviour.

Do yourself a favour and do some reading up about controlling and emotionally abusive men... I think it will sound eerily familiar and it will only get worse with time. He's already manipulated you into changing your behaviour and that's not normal in a healthy relationship.

Purely going on what you've said here, I'd advise you to get out before you're in too deep!!!

If someone else said what i said here to me i think alarm bells would be going off in my head for them too but its different when its your own life somehow.

December2012

It's important to make and keep your own friends. Have you any girlfriends? Even the girlfriends of his mates?

College friends? Workmates?

Also, have a look at this http://www.2in2u.ie/mobile.asp

He may not be controlling (although it sounds like he is in the habit of being controlling). You may be too dependent on each other - particularly if you have no independent social life at all.

Merkin

Pinch.Me wrote: »

We have been together since we were quite young I was 16 when we met and i am 27 now .

i have not made any effort to maintain any friendship and cant imagine a romantic relationship with anyone else.

So you're quite happy to depend on him solely as both a partner and friend?

Edit: don't know where the angry face came from and can't delete it!

Pinch.Me

It is partly the way I am painting a bad picture of things and I dont want to do that. He's not a bad person it's just a few things and we all have them and i just wanted to get them off my chest.

I dont have to depend on him and im not happy in the way i would have been a few years ago but im not in a dire situation either. there are people much worse off than me. i have a baby too.

I did have female friends through his friends since i was 17 ( theyre all older than me) but the couples separated and the women moved away. A couple of my friends know the details of this stuff but they can only say supportive things and its down to me and i dont see what else i can do. its not the worst situation in the world and those girls have their ups and downs to deal with as you all do too.

I know Im making hardly any sense but I think I was fond of the friend and i felt it ruined it when that was said. MMaybe that made me examine things.

Pinch.Me

Im starting that quiz now thanks. he does not like me going out but not because he wants to spend time with me lol. my presence is important for various reasons when it suits him but never because he lurves me so much and wants to go out on a lovely day out with me and 'spend time with me' just fr the sake of it .

nc19

Its simple really

if you are talking to a straight male who is not your boyfriend its safe to assume they want to get into your knickers


every single fella has thought about his female friends like this at one point or another

its how males are made!!

Pinch.Me

nc19 wrote: »

Its simple really

if you are talking to a straight male who is not your boyfriend its safe to assume they want to get into your knickers


every single fella has thought about his female friends like this at one point or another

its how males are made!!

Im sorry. I cant tell whether or not youre being serious or joking. I don't know what to say.

nc19

Pinch.Me wrote: »

Im sorry. I cant tell whether or not youre being serious or joking. I don't know what to say.

Im serious

CaraMay

I always find that the ones who constantly fret about their partner cheating are the ones up to no good themselves.

Does he go out alone a lot? Has he cheated on you before?

Pinch.Me

He goes out at weekends but not really anywhere like night clubs. He's popular with women and I know of two women who..didnt make a pass at him that i know of but they were a bit more than friendly. He did not like being asked about them and they obviously didnt like me.

CaraMay

Pinch.Me wrote: »

He goes out at weekends but not really anywhere like night clubs. He's popular with women and I know of two women who..didnt make a pass at him that i know of but they were a bit more than friendly. He did not like being asked about them and they obviously didnt like me.

Why did he not like being asked about them?

Why does he go out so much without you?

Pinch.Me

CaraMay wrote: »

Why did he not like being asked about them?

Why does he go out so much without you?

He knew I had found out that there was more than harmless flirting coming from them and that he was going along with it so he was defensive. It was not cheating but it wasnt v reassuring either especially when i am careful to distance myself from anyone who gets too fond of me (god knows why they would but people sometimes do) and when he said my good friend was only talking to me because he wanted to...blah...

Baby has health problems so I cant go out where he is going and have nobody reliable to babysit so I dont go. I wouldnt want to always go ether he is entitled to do his own thing too. He uses the health problems as a handy excuse not to do anything together too though.

Merkin

Sounds like a really unhealthy relationship

Pinch.Me

Im focusing on negative things. I think fathers who spend too much time in the pub are selfish and he doesnt do that. And he works hard and makes sures everyone has everything they need.
I didnt post because I wanted to villify hm but because I confused about friendships with male friends after what he said. A man (?) here has said all men want to get into female friends knickers at some point so maybe he was actually right or trying to be honest.

Pinch.Me

strobe wrote: »

That was absolute nonsense, coming from one individual man. It is not true. Please do not take it to heart.

Sincerely, A man.

Phew. Well that is what I thought. I was startng to think I was just naive! haha

Pinch.Me

strobe wrote: »

At the end of the day you know your friend better than anyone here, and better than your bf. He may want to 'get into your knickers', he may not, you're the one in the position to make that call, and the only one that should be making it.

I dont think even if he does like me that he is only using me or doesnt care about me. I think he is a decent person. Thank you.

Chara1001

God op...

Am i right in reading you're 27 and you've been together since you were 16? That's 9 years (and possibly your only relationship?) where you've come to learn that your boyfriends skewed perception of male/ female relationships & friendships is normal.
That's a third of your life spent in a bubble of altered reality, where you've for the most part you've towed the line.
I know you have a sick baby, so socializing can't really happen- but you say you're not a sociable person? Well have you ever had the chance to be? How do you know this for sure?

You're bf has his friends follow you. This is seriously dark behavior- but to me, you seem conditioned to accept it, and why wouldn't you? This is your normality. That's really scary.

Men do have straight female friends and vice versa. They do talk to them without wanting to sleep with them. I'm sorry to be harsh but it sounds like your boyfriend has you sufficiently brainwashed into believing this c**p- look at you, you're accepting the view of the one person here that matches your boyfriends- but there are 3 pages of posts telling you it's not true.

I know you're at home with a sick baby (who i hope is doing ok:)) but one small example is that your bf goes out socializing and even when he's there doesn't do much? Op he sounds like he has you just where he wants you. He has put 9 years of his life into making himself the 'perfect' partner.

have you got any family you're close to? No friends of your own that don't know him? I think you should give womens aid a call
http://www.womensaid.ie/?gclid=CPDpnYK86r4CFeJ82wodL7YACQ

I wish you the best op, but i can't help but feel very worried for you and your little one

Pinch.Me

Thank you for your kind reply I just want to say first, it was the post by Strobe that I agree with, his answer echoes what I myself think. I dont have very deep friendships but those I do have are with men mostly and I never suspected them of being after anything or having ulterior motive. There are users and shallow folk out there, male and female but I believe in platonic and true friendship no matter what anyone (b.f) says. Its true I have few friends who don't know him but I'm..you might say anti social or independent, depending on your point of view. And as I said I haven't been a brilliant friend myself to others. It was just the once that he asked hs friend who is a bouncer to look out for me in some way, and the club was in a place that had seen a few muggings, if his friend hadnt made the remark after b.f phoned me I wouldn't have questioned it. think I am friendly but not sociable in the going out with a big group way, if that makes any sense?

I will think about that link and the way things are. Thanks.


It is my only serious relationship though I went out with a few people on and off in the early years before we settled down together

trancemuzic

There is only one way to know for sure

Next time your friend is calling over set up a hidden camera

Leave a pair of your knickers where he can see them and say you have to pop out to the shops for a few minutes and ask him to wait there till you come back

Then check the footage and see if he got into your knickers

Pinch.Me

Is it true that Womens Aid don't tell anyone you have been in touch with them? Out of curiosity...

Pinch.Me

The page 'Warning Signs' is heartbreaking to read.

Chara1001

Heartbreaking because you recognize a few?

I have had to call Women's Aid in the past myself, and they were beyond incredible. No they will not tell anyone anything- it's completely private, you don't have to give your name.

Pinch.Me

Chara1001 wrote: »

Heartbreaking because you recognize a few?

I have had to call Women's Aid in the past myself, and they were beyond incredible. No they will not tell anyone anything- it's completely private, you don't have to give your name.

The bit about rooms to escape to away from kitchens and garages with dangerous stuff in them and the bit about changing your routine like where you go shoping and your and route to work. I recognize a few, yes. Not from recently but I have learned to manage thngs so the walking on eggshells bit applies.

If you get involved with them in person though,,?

Thanks xxx

Pinch.Me

Sorry, I just don't know if you met them and if you had children with you. In person made no sense.

Merkin

Yes, they will completely protect your anonymity, even if you meet them in person. Are you going to contact them?

Alf. A. Male

nc19 wrote: »

Its simple really

if you are talking to a straight male who is not your boyfriend its safe to assume they want to get into your knickers


every single fella has thought about his female friends like this at one point or another

its how males are made!!

This is utter nonsense, total gibberish.