'How the hell are you still single?'

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'm having a few problems at the moment with being single.. Firstly, to clear a few things up, I'm fairly happy in myself and happy spending time alone or with friends/ family.. I'm not lonely (apart from the odd time) and enjoying life generally.

One thing that is bothering me is that people keep saying 'How the hell are you still single?!' and it's bothering me... It's making me think there's something wrong that I need to fix or that I'm missing out on relationships. I've had longterm relationships (2+ years) and short term ones. My situation right now is that I'm 27, in a OK-ish job, well-educated, in shape (I run marathons), maybe too nice to people and really patient with them too. I've done the online dating thing - POF, tinder etc. but I can't get into it as much as others.

I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I have an active social life, I make the effort, have lots of friends, I'm good to my family and I'd like to be with someone so I can share my life with them and vice verse. Maybe I'm lonelier than I thought but I'm just getting bothered by that kind of comment...

Maybe a silly thing to bring up on this.

What do you guys think?

Alf. A. Male

That comment is a backhanded compliment, they mean you have lots going for you and they can see no reason you should be single. It is also an expression of their view that being with someone is the natural state and should be an ambition. Make of that view what you will.

I'm not clear though, if you are happy, there's the answer to the question, but if you're not happy alone then why aren't your thoughts focussed on that to either make yourself happy or focus on meeting someone, rather than this question? Have you asked yourself the question?

LegacyUser

Good question...

I guess what I meant to say is that I'm content being alone - I don't need someone to be there for me, I can be very independent and got hurt in the past so I suppose I'm a wee bit guarded.

I'm happy and I've actively tried to make myself even happier by finding someone but it's just not happening. I know I'm contradicting myself here.... I'm happy to be single but I know that I'd be a bit happier being able to have a laugh with someone and not have to rely on random hook ups and 'alone time' to tick those boxes..

Maybe my standards are too high.. I feel that I start dating people and it goes grand and then I lose interest very quickly. I haven't had someone in a long time who's held my interest longer than a few weeks. Initially i'd be really into it and really excited and then I'd crash and burn.

December2012

Maybe it bothers you when they say it because it's a question you are now asking yourself.

And nobody likes people verbalising a question they have about them self even when phrased positively, eg "why haven't you been promoted yet - you're so good at your job / when are you having babies - you'ld be a natural!/ when are you guys getting married - you're a great couple, etc"

In general though, these things aren't intended to be hurtful (they're usually intended to be chit chat)

strobe

ForeverSingle wrote: »

I've had longterm relationships (2+ years) and short term ones.

What do you guys think?

Obviously nothing wrong or anything you need to fix. You just haven't met anyone you've clicked with where you wanted to be in a relationship with each other for a while. Its happens before and will happen again when the right person comes along.

Be grateful you're someone that is on the whole, most of the time, comfortable with being single. Lots of people that alwats have that constant drive and need to be in q relationship end up in some pretty ****ty relationships because they try and hammer a square peg into a round hole with the wrong person cause they can't cope with being single.

Don't let peoples well meaning comments let you get all wrapped up in your own head over thinking this and risk becoming one of the above.

Relax man, its perfectly fine to be fine with being single. You'll be in a relationship again when you happen to meet the next right person.

LegacyUser

Some people have this idea that unless your part of a couple you must be unhappy.
They see people like yourself who would have plenty of things going for them yet your single so they think it is ok to make a comments like the ones you have heard.

You seem to be happy in yourself and your own life. So what if you have not met someone yet at least your not with the wrong person so you are part of a couple.
I know people who will go out with any man/woman and they will put up with the other persons meanness, cheating, being verbally or physical abused, heavy drinking, gambling ect so they are part of a couple.

I think if your happy within yourself and with your own life you have a better chance of meeting a nice person and having a happier relationship.

Rather than feeling sorry that you have not met someone yet see look on this time as part of your life that you can go and do what ever you want.

Mr. Incognito

Tell them you like doing what you want, when you want and they'll swiftly shut the hell up

Obliq

ForeverSingle wrote: »

One thing that is bothering me is that people keep saying 'How the hell are you still single?!' and it's bothering me...

I think people say it as a compliment, and although you're taking it up to mean why couldn't you get a man/you should be in a relationship, I usually take it up as meaning "you're so great I can't believe you haven't been snapped up", which has none of the implied criticism that you're feeling.

It does still show up a misguided sense of what commonly makes people happy, ie. being in a relationship....

AnonMouse

Apologies in advance for the rant...

It's a sad state of affairs, but from the moment we are born, we are born into a society that is fed absolute waffle from the media. Stereotypes are created, and so many people are numbed from the brainwashing, that they can't think for themselves, so they think it is "normal" to be in a relationship, with a view to settling down by your mid 20s, because that's what always happened. Remember, we live in a capitalist society, where money is the be all and end all, so if you conform, you will be spending money on weddings, kids, houses etc.

Then, someone like yourself comes along, with the ability to think for yourself, without the requirement for commitment, and people question why you are single, because that is going against the stereotype. My answer to all of this, is take less notice of the media, and regarding everything in life, suit yourself

40now

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Tell them you like doing what you want, when you want and they'll swiftly shut the hell up

I find this works really well, I'm happily single 12 months now and the only thing that works for me is this.

anewme

I get that comment every second day and I'm nearly 45 now. It is extremely annoying. Like the other posters, I just say something like, I like my own freedom.

I was in Next homeware last week and saw a couple fighting over a mat? They were being horrible to each other over choosing a mat. My first thoughts were, thank God I'm single. Now I know all relationships are not like that, but having been in one like that, it made me smile to myself.

aca2801

Hi Op,

I can totally relate to you and its so annoying when dey make you out to be weird or a freak that you are still single.

But from some of the posts written here, its great people are saying dont listen to it and as long as ur happy, fxxk what everyone thinks.

look dont lower ur standards for anyone, we will find our other halves at sum point in de future but in de meantime, dont waste time fretting bout it and enjoy what single life has got to offer!

CaraMay

It's a ridiculously stupid question that should only be answered in an equally stupid manner. A la Bridget jones, I used to reply 'it's because I've got scales all over my body'. Most people then realise how stupid they sound

dannyc31

Apologies in advance for the rant...

It's a sad state of affairs, but from the moment we are born, we are born into a society that is fed absolute waffle from the media. Stereotypes are created, and so many people are numbed from the brainwashing, that they can't think for themselves, so they think it is "normal" to be in a relationship, with a view to settling down by your mid 20s, because that's what always happened. Remember, we live in a capitalist society, where money is the be all and end all, so if you conform, you will be spending money on weddings, kids, houses etc.

Then, someone like yourself comes along, with the ability to think for yourself, without the requirement for commitment, and people question why you are single, because that is going against the stereotype. My answer to all of this, is take less notice of the media, and regarding everything in life, suit yourself

this is it in a nutshell. and so in your case because you are not conforming to the norm you are starting to doubt your own happiness and what you want from life.

being honest i'd just say you're just not ready for all a relationship involves right now. if you were you would'nt loose interest in all of these guys so quickly. alot of people who are in relationships dont just really enjoy their partner but they also love the idea of being in a relationship.

you seem quite independent which is a good thing, it also means you are never gonna define your level of happiness by whether you're in a relationship or not.

i had to laugh at the buying of the mat story below but the reality is, a relationship involves alot of compromise on both sides. if you dont want that right now, are happy in your own skin and enjoy your own freedom then i would just see this comment for what it is, that is a double edged question, meaning you have alot going for you so why having you been snapped up and on the other side, the people who are saying this are expressing the fact that they couldnt be as happy or happy at all unless they were in their relationships. thats more a flaw in them than you so just keep doing what you're doing and a man with a bit more substance will eventually come along.

lastly i'd say women do get this alot worse than men because they're is perception that all women are just waiting to be swept off their feet by prince charming and get the royal wedding before the age of 30.

Addle

"It's all ahead of you".
No it's not, thankfully!!!

Azwaldo55

ForeverSingle wrote: »

Hi there,

I'm having a few problems at the moment with being single.. Firstly, to clear a few things up, I'm fairly happy in myself and happy spending time alone or with friends/ family.. I'm not lonely (apart from the odd time) and enjoying life generally.

One thing that is bothering me is that people keep saying 'How the hell are you still single?!' and it's bothering me... It's making me think there's something wrong that I need to fix or that I'm missing out on relationships. I've had longterm relationships (2+ years) and short term ones. My situation right now is that I'm 27, in a OK-ish job, well-educated, in shape (I run marathons), maybe too nice to people and really patient with them too. I've done the online dating thing - POF, tinder etc. but I can't get into it as much as others.

I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I have an active social life, I make the effort, have lots of friends, I'm good to my family and I'd like to be with someone so I can share my life with them and vice verse. Maybe I'm lonelier than I thought but I'm just getting bothered by that kind of comment...

Maybe a silly thing to bring up on this.

What do you guys think?

It's your life and it's nobody else's business whether you are single or not.

Imagine if the tables were turned and a married couple were being given hassle about why they use contraception or why they only have one kid and don't have eleven? That's how ludicrous it is for someone to be on your back about being single. So don't let it bother you OP.

If you feel lonely just keep your eyes open and your option open and if you see a nice person you are attracted to just go right over and get acquainted.

Bluefox21

Two things OP and apologies for jumping to conclusions.

1. It is a compliment. Do not read too much into it. People looks at you as an attractive and successful person and think to themselves that you would be a catch. Take it as a compliment


2. You are (from your first post) reading too much into it and wondering why you are still single!