I need to help my parents...

LegacyUser

Hopefully people can give me advice here

I'm female, 27 from a family of 3 older brothers with a mam and dad. My mam has had a mental illness since she was 23 and we had very very hard lives growing up with her being mentally unstable, in and out of hospital, volatile etc. none of which was her fault, she finally got the right medication after years and years and she's more placid now. However she has become something of a hermit due to the illness and rarely leaves the house. This has affected my father in many ways, he is an absolute blessing to her and his children. He could have upped and left years ago but he stayed and he is still with us after all the heartache and trauma we've been through.

I love my father and mother to bits obviously, but I find things hard at the moment. My dad is living a miserable existence due to my mam. He doesnt go out, she never wants to do ANYTHING, except go to the shopping centre for an hour every now and then and do a bit of shopping - which my dad is not interested in. He's a very intelligent man and he needs more than shopping if you get me. It's at the stage now where it's causing fights with my brothers etc. My mam could wake up in any state any day of the week. The medication has made her very weak and she could sleep for up to 12 hours a day so sometimes I dont even get to see her if shes in bed asleep all day. That leaves my dad sitting at home watching sh!te on tv which can be mind numbing. He doesnt have any friends, he doesnt visit his family, I know he's been on anti depressants before and I think he is still depressed and has just decided to live like this.

I've pulled them aside separately many times and told them they cannot live this miserable existence forever, they need to get out and do things. Even if it's just to a restaurant for a bite to eat but NOPE. She wont, so therefore my dad wont. He doesnt like the thought of doing things on his own either. I try and bring him out to the cinema etc. But I have my own life and I work all week and then want to see my OH on the weekends so he doesnt depend on me so much. I have one brother in Oz, another living about an hour away and one that lives down the road. They never ask him out to do things it's always down to me! In fairness lately I have arranged for him to go once a week to my brother down the road just to watch a film or chat which is great because at least that's one night a week out doing something.

Now it's summer and I've come home twice in the last month on sunny weekends and they're just sitting there - bored off their skulls and it's really starting to get to me I keep pushing them to go out but it's always "your mam is too tired"

I know I cant blame my mam, because the illness is the cause but I find it so frustrating watching them rot away in the house and I dont know what to do!

Now I've just had a chat with my sis in law who lives with my brother in the country and she is giving out because they have only seen my nieces twice since Christmas. The last time my parents went to their house was a year ago! She's obviously p!ssed off because my nieces keep asking "how come nanny & grandad dont visit" and they've actually asked it so many times, they dont ask anymore It's so sad and I need to have a chat again with them about it, because my sis in law said she's done asking them, that they've nobody to blame but themselves for missing out on my nieces growing up.

For anyone that's gonna tell me to stay out of it, it's not my business - please dont even bother telling me that. Because it IS my business, they're my parents, they spent their whole lives looking after me and my brothers, why shouldnt I return the favour!

I understand that my mam's illness is to blame for this but I just wish there was a way I could make her see that she is really missing out on life so badly. They dont have a lot of money so expensive activities are a no no and holidays are out of the question. I feel lost and just wish that this wasnt my problem - but it is. It's hard being the only daughter because I dont feel I get much help from my brothers. It's all down to me, even though I've spoke with them in the past they just kind of shrug it off and I just feel like giving up now.

Help

December2012

You can't help people who don't want help.

It might be your idea of hell but it's their life.

In reality - are you going to force your dad to go out? To see friends or family he hasn't seen in years?

Maphisto

I won't tell you to stay out of it but I will say that you seem to have made yourself the hub of the wheel.

I see your problem with your folks and I agree with December, but why is your Sis-in-Law complaining to you? She sees there's a problem, what is she doing about it? When is she taking the little angels over to see your folks?

All I'm saying is that ain't your problem - it's between the sis-in-law, neices and your parents.

You're taking a lot on so please be kind to yourself.

All the best

Tokyo

OP, I appreciate first hand the position that you are in - I have dealt with similar over the years. However there's an old saying that holds true in these situations - "God helps those who help themselves". Like it or not your father is in this position of his own volition, and while you may very well be right in saying that he is miserable, ultimately it's in his power to do something about it, and him alone. And with the best of intentions you can't force your will upon him if he doesn't want to change.

You seem to hold a certain amount of resentment towards your siblings that in your eyes don't help, where the reality is that you seem to take a lot upon yourself, and have expectations of how things should be, and are disappointed when the others don't measure up. How you handle it from here on in is down to you, but unfortunately the only real option might be to take a step back, like other members of your family have done, and worry about your own happiness for a while.

Merkin

Is your mother happy with the medication's side effects? I mean you talk about her being placid and it being suitable but she sounds semi-zombified what with the constant sleeping and lethargy. I know that some psychiatric medications don't come without some really awful side effects but these particular meds seem to be impinging significantly on her quality of life.

I'm not for one moment suggesting she come off them but maybe you could have a chat with her and see how she would feel about talking to her GP or psychiatrist about reviewing them? I suspect your father may not want to leave your mothers's side but if she had more of a life herself he may be more inclined to do stuff too. You say the meds are working but it would seem to the detriment of everything else and it doesn't have to be like this so maybe look at a review under medical supervision.

I think your brother, wife and nieces need to make more of an effort to visit your folks. It's no good complaining about your parents being there twice since Christmas, how many times have they been to see your parents?

Also, on the sunny weekends you are home, a bit of hand holding may be required (as are baby steps). So rather than telling them to go out (and they seem wholly devoid of any motivation to think of anything), grab the car keys and tell them that you'll all go for a walk on Howth Head or for lunch somewhere nice but inexpensive, just to get them out and get the ball rolling.

I can understand how frustrated you must be and while it's all very well being told not to take it upon yourself to try and help, I can see how you want to. I think talking about your Mum's meds would be a good first step (and maybe getting your Dad to see a GP while he's at it).

An Bhanríon

I know this may not be what you want to hear ... but having been in a similar situation to yourself (at around the same age also!) the only advice I can give you is to do whatever makes you happy and make sure you take care of yourself.

I tried to 'rescue' my mentally ill mother from what I considered to be a substandard life. After years of trying (I am now 37) I realised I couldn't change her life for her, only she could. And she wasn't prepared / able to take the steps needed to bring her life up to the standard I wanted for her. I haven't given up on her yet, but helping her is no longer the centre of my existence. And when things go wrong I just muddle through.

Taking a step back and concentrating on your own life is not an easy thing to do. Caring for our parents and wanting the best for them is the most natural thing in the world. But if they don't want to change you can't force them.

Let them know you are always there for them. Keep inviting them to do stuff and trying to help them with their lives. Make every effort to encourage your brothers to get involved. However, if things don't turn out the way YOU think they SHOULD, my advice is to just let it go. You are only human. They are only human. Humans regularly try things and fail.

You are doing your best. And I am sure your parents appreciate it, even if they don't always show it.

LegacyUser

First of all, thanks everyone who took the time to reply. Much appreciated.


Mike - as always you are spot on. I do have this unhealthy habit of being the "fixer" in my house. I guess I just seem to be the go to person for my brothers, their wives etc.

Lot of pressure on me, but isnt it my own doing? If I took a back seat then I wouldnt be in this position.

My sis in law just snapped today because she's been asking and asking them to come out for a long time and I think they've only been out like 2 or 3 times since they moved out there years ago. It's only an hour away so there really is no excuse. I can understand her frustration, and I have told her in the past to voice her issues directly with my brother or my parents, but unfortunately she has terrible communication skills and seems to think passive aggression is how to get her point across. There's a huge amount of history there about her which I would be here all day telling you all about. But I can kind of see why my parents arent jumping in their car quick to go visit. Of course they love their grandchildren, that goes without saying!

In fairness December2012 I didnt say it was my idea of hell, but I can see your point! I see the misery in the house daily, it's just hard to deal with. I just cannot understand why they dont even take a small stroll somewhere. My dad and us have let my mam just sink into this phobia about going outside. We never pushed her to do anything because how can you do that to someone with a mental illness? So now she has her feet firmly in that house and nothing makes her go out unless she really wants to.

Merkin - you couldnt be more right. Zombie like state is how she is ALL the time. Even walking down the stairs is a hard job for her. Her medication is basically just to dope her up so much that she CANT be mental - however horrible that sounds, that's the truth. It's awful to look at. But she was MUCH worse before this medication. I dont know what's worse! My brother comes over twice a week to stay over as he works in Dublin, other than that they dont come over much. I'm not sure about her changing medication, I could ask my dad about it because he would know a lot more about it than me. But definitely it is something that could be looked at.

And you're right Merkin, I will totally do that Howth idea There's no excuse for my mam if we're in the car! Even a small walk would be ok for her

An Bhanríon: I know you are right. I KNOW you are. I honestly need to just take a step back and not make everything my issue. I think I blocked them all out for a few years in my head to be honest. I got with my OH and I literally spent most of my time with him, ignored what was going on at home because it wasnt so bad back then. But now 4 years later I've just kind of realised how badly they are bored and depressed at home. It's vicious circle they seem to be stuck in. If I've pointed it out to them, then it really should be their issue to fix.

I do realise that I probably sound like I am slating my brothers on this thread, but they honestly do not want to know. I very seldom phone them, because in the past if there was a problem I would just hear a grunt on the other end of the phone. They really are the type of men that just let everything fly over their head and I envy them for it. Maybe I should be more like them?

I dont know whether I just take things so sensitively because I'm the only girl in the family and also the youngest, I am a sensitive person in general unfortunately, it's been my downfall many times in my life. I've hardened a lot over the years by choice. It's just something I cant seem to shake with my parents. I get those thoughts in my head, those what if's that are ridiculous, but I always worry that they will regret the years they wasted doing nothing.

If I could hand on heart say they were happy with life to potter around the house out in the garden or whatever, then I would let all this go, but it's seeing the look on my dad's face and just knowing he would love his life to be different. At the end of the day though - if I was unhappy, it would be ME that needs to change things. Nobody else. I wouldnt even expect anyone else to do these things for me. THATS what I need to remember.

ABajaninCork

I agree with Merkin. From personal experience, it sounds to me as though your Mum's medication needs to be adjusted. There's some pretty powerful anti-psychotic and anti depressant drugs out there, and it'll be a case of trial and error, until the right dosage is found. Perhaps that's why she's in no fit state to do anything. No way should she be sleeping all day. When was the last time your Mum's meds were reviewed? It should be done every three to six months...

Therefore, that would be my first step. Try to persuade your parents to visit the GP for a check-up.