Lost

LegacyUser

6 months ago my partner of 4 years committed suicide in a very violent and poignant act. I was not ready for this. I was never in love before, and never felt the same kind of care and love from another person in such a way that made me feel complete. She was my best friend.

Suicide really is a horrible thing. I'll never be sure about what happened to her mind, but she suffered from anxiety. I tried to help but I was rejected.

Blame, rejection, guilt, worry and just the sheer loss are just some of the feelings that have plagued me for the last while.

My life is on the rocks now, I feel. We had plans for the future.

The hardest thing I ever did in my life was lower her into the ground. Her family is devastated, naturally, but as time goes by I haven't gotten any better. I went to council ling and have spoken to people about it, but I just get waves of grief sometimes. They seem to have dealt with it much better than I have.

It doesn't help that we used to live here in my house, so the place is full of memories of us. Bits about the place, clothes that she bought me and just walking around the town - all the places we spent time together. My bed sometimes is the best and worst place to be, but always the opposite after just one thought.

Drinking has now become a normality in my life. All my wonderful supportive family and fiends are telling me that it is getting out of control, but it seems like shelter. Sometimes.

There is much more than I can say here about the circumstances and how it all went.

CaraMay

Gosh op I have no words of wisdom for you but just wanted to say I'm very sorry for your loss. Would you maybe start counselling again for a while. Be careful of the drink as any progress you might make will be stripped back with alcohol. It's very early days yet and you are probably still in shock. Be kind to yourself.

Diane Selwyn

Really very sorry to hear of your loss OP. Six months really isn't much time at all and whatever the time period you shouldn't feel under pressure to come to terms with what happened - it's just not something you can schedule for. Don't try and compare your reaction/coping to what you think other people are going through. Talking can help - you may have attempted the counselling too soon if you were still in shock - it may be worth another try, maybe try a different counsellor too. And remember to mind yourself and look after your own health. All the best.

Enola Straight

Partner suicide wrote: »

6 months ago my partner of 4 years committed suicide in a very violent and poignant act. I was not ready for this. I was never in love before, and never felt the same kind of care and love from another person in such a way that made me feel complete. She was my best friend.

Suicide really is a horrible thing. I'll never be sure about what happened to her mind, but she suffered from anxiety. I tried to help but I was rejected.

Blame, rejection, guilt, worry and just the sheer loss are just some of the feelings that have plagued me for the last while.

My life is on the rocks now, I feel. We had plans for the future.

The hardest thing I ever did in my life was lower her into the ground. Her family is devastated, naturally, but as time goes by I haven't gotten any better. I went to council ling and have spoken to people about it, but I just get waves of grief sometimes. They seem to have dealt with it much better than I have.

It doesn't help that we used to live here in my house, so the place is full of memories of us. Bits about the place, clothes that she bought me and just walking around the town - all the places we spent time together. My bed sometimes is the best and worst place to be, but always the opposite after just one thought.

Drinking has now become a normality in my life. All my wonderful supportive family and fiends are telling me that it is getting out of control, but it seems like shelter. Sometimes.

There is much more than I can say here about the circumstances and how it all went.

In our society we have an instilled belief that suicide is not only a tragedy, but it's somehow "wrong". Perhaps this is the overhang from christianity or other religious beliefs.

While suicide is especially hard on those left behind, you should realise that your partner probably wanted to talk to you about it, but was unable to as to talk about it with anyone, they would almost universally have thought their role was to talk them out of it, or seek help on their behalf.

There is an increasing view across the world that suicide is something many, especially older people or sick people, want to plan for rather than facing a future which is painful and unbearable for them, in some way. We've all known cases of friends with cancers or MS or a host of other illnesses who wanted to die earlier than they did, but were prevented by the lack of means to save themselves prolonged suffering. Any perusal of exit international or similar will see many now want this option for themselves.

I don't know your situation, and can imagine how heartbreaking it must be to lose ones partner in this terrible way, and the only consolation one might find in it is to realise whatever torment led them to this act is now past, and they are at peace. Drink as a short term aid will probably take the edge off, but as a long term solution it's likely to cause more problems for you than it currently solves.

If you feel like it, google "support for partners of suicide" and you may find talking to others in your situation, and others who have experience in helping those in your situation may help you, and in time perhaps you can help others who find themselves in your situation, in the hope that something positive can come out of this for others, through you.

LegacyUser

Hi op, im very sorry for your loss.

Thought I would reply to your post as I have the other "suicide" post on here. My husband passed nearly 6 weeks ago, so I dont have any advice for you about getting through this- im barely holding it together myself.
I have thought about escaping with alcohol, many times, I have got drunk enough to sleep with no nightmares only one night. I actually dont want to use alcohol in that way as my family and friends have gone through and have helped me too much to cause them any further worry.
It is plainly obvious to me that each of us has only one chance at life and we each must try and live the best life we can.
My husband lost his job 2 months before this, he could see no future the way his own work had gone over the last 6 years, we were living week by week, so ****ing what? Alot of people were/are. I wish he could have had patience and not put it all on his shoulders. I find it hard to imagine it wasnt my fault-there was no extra pressure put on him by me, we had no debt only had to pay very low rent. It actually wasnt a desperate situation- but he musnt have seen it that way.
The way my husband did it was also violent and I will never get that image out of my head- how could they do that? I dont think if he knew what I would wake up to he would have done it.
Alot of people have told me about their own suicidal thoughts in the past and how they got through it- which does not help me as my husband did not tell me how desperate he was only that he was feeling down-which of course I should have realised- blame and gulit are normal I think.

It sounds like you have a great support network, I would advice you to talk to someone about the drinking and maybe arrange for another activity which could replace it. That probably doesn't help but reach out and try and get your life together.
Again im really sorry for your loss