aggressive when drunk

rapidbuzzman

don't know where to start been going out with girl for about a year but she always seems to cause a fight when out drinking together..

shes like doc jekyll and mr hyde. really nice sober but a total bitch when drunk.

the first time it got really serious was we were drinking one night and she got locked and decided to tell me exactly how she felt about everybody and everything outta the blue, and not in a good way. she followed me down the street afterwards shouting abuse to i told her to fu*k off home and thats when she proceeded to run up behind me and punch me in the head. we didnt talk for a few days and she apologised and we moved on from that putting it down to a bad night.

the next bad night happened when i got back from holidays and met up with her for a drink. we got really drunk and things got heated between up and ended up again in another fight. we were back and forth bad mouthing each other that night when she turned around and gave me a black eye in the pub. again we didnt talk for a while and decided to patch things up and continue on with the relationship.

the worst night happened bout a month or two ago we were out with a few having a couple of drinks and both got really drunk we went back to mine but on the way back she was giving me abuse in the taxi. the taxi man even said i have a long night ahead of me. we got into mine and i was making tea when she really start laying into me and really putting me down which she did alot of in the relationship. i said nothing for a while then i had enough. i walked over picked up her handbag and jacket and threw it out the front door and told her to leave the house. she ran out picked it up and start banging on the door to let her in. i let her back in because of the noise she was making. she then sat down and start giving me more abuse so i asked her again to leave and get out. i grabbed her arm to walk her to the door to throw her out and she start punching the head off me repeatedly. i shoved her off of me and grabbed her arm again to show her to the door and again she punched me. she smashed up the house, tore up my money on the coffee table and was about to pull my flat screen telly off the wall with the cable. a friend had to come around to settle this fight and calm the situation down. the damage the next day was unreal..

we didnt talk for about a week or so and i was going to meet up to break it off with her but i couldnt do it. i admitted that since the fighting had begun i had been suffering from depression and anxiety attacks. she said she would be there to help me if i needed it..

i had to take time off work and get it sorted with the doctor put me on xanax and a anti depressant after the second visit.

she had told me after she talked to friends and family and they told her get out of the relationship if hes depressed..

a few weeks later we went drinking again and i fell asleep on the chair. she had got into a blazing fight with my mate about nothing when i woke up she was being asked to leave the house....

i was thinking not another bloody fight again not after the last one. we got on great together when not drinking but when she drank she would get aggressive and i was at points declining to meet up with her for drinks of suggesting things to do that didnt involve alcohol.

since then we have boken up and she said she cant do this anymore. i know my reasons for wanting to split but not hers. she says she wants to be single cause she was in a relationship for years before this one. but im not sure... she seemed to change her tune when i mentioned i was suffering from depression and anxiety attacks...

listen i know im going to get the usual stick about why didnt i leave her when she first hit me but i did really care about her we only fought when drinking and im missing her any genuine advice would be appreciated.. thanks.

nobody told me

Here's a mad idea, stop drinking...

deseil

You were in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and this is a major factor in your depression/anxiety.

Thank your lucky stars you've gotten rid of the mad b*tch and don't let her manipulate her way back in.
Best of luck in the future.

rachblue

nobody told me wrote: »

Here's a mad idea, stop drinking...

He's asking for advice, not sarcasm.

nobody told me

rachblue wrote: »

He's asking for advice, not sarcasm.

I'm not being sarcastic it's plain as the day on your face that they both need to stop drinking.

retro:electro

rachblue wrote: »

He's asking for advice, not sarcasm.

I don't think he's being sarcastic. This is the best, most sensible advice to give the op. Every fight was the consequence of drink taken, so stop drinking.
Also stay away from this woman, far away.

Alf. A. Male

Drink is a trigger, but not the issue. Have one conversation with her, sober, tell her it's over and why, then don't look back. Call Amen for support and advice if you need, but end this relationship. Do anything else and it will almost certainly get worse and waste time and destroy your future happiness.

rachblue

anna080 wrote: »

I don't think he's being sarcastic. This is the best, most sensible advice to give the op. Every fight was the consequence of drink taken, so stop drinking.

I know alcohol is a major part of it but I just thought the reply was a bit harsh. That why I commented but I appreciate that it was meant as advice. I would just use kinder words.

tinkerbell

OP, you are in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Contact AMEN for support and they will help you get the strength to cut this psychotic rotten lowlife out of your life. Speak to your family and friends - they will help get you through this. Good luck.

Merkin

What a crazy bitch. Drinking is no excuse for abusing your partner and your anxiety and depression is doubtless caused by her violent and abusive behaviour. You may have had feelings for her but after being punched in the head, being given a black eye and having your stuff destroyed really should signal that enough is enough. Go and speak to AMEN as has been suggested and cut this low life knacker out of your life, she needs professional help as well as addressing her drinking problem so being with someone like that while you're already suffering from anxiety and depression is not going to aid recovery. Cut her loose and don't look back.

Humria

rapidbuzzman wrote: »

since then we have boken up and she said she cant do this anymore.

You've broken up so my advice is to stay that way. Do not get back with this girl if the opportunity presents itself. It was a dysfunctional relationship and she did you a favour by breaking up with you.

Lou.m

Firstly you need to stop drinking.

Second I don't understand why you are asking the question.

You need to stay away from her.

Full stop. JUST STAY AWAY.

And you need to adjust your own behavior obviously alcohol is not good for depression and anxiety. And it seems you are a bit of a mean drunk yourself.

Get some help for all of this.

You are missing her but that will pass. Please get it into your head you cannot see her again.

She has a severe issue with drinking and is an abuser. Stay away and get support.

iusedtoknow

You had 2 dysfunctional relationships to deal with....now you have one.

1. You are free from what sounds like an abusive and soul destroying relationship with a woman. Stay that way. It was causing you physical harm and affecting you emotionally.

2. You may have to look at your relationship with alcohol. I do not drink for the specific reasons that I see above. I turned into an emotional wreck when I drank, so I stopped. I could never have just the one or two, I would go nuts, blackout and have no idea why my gf was so pissed off at me.

I think you need to take a look at alcohol and see if it is really fulfilling what you need.

Legs.Eleven

anna080 wrote: »

I don't think he's being sarcastic. This is the best, most sensible advice to give the op. Every fight was the consequence of drink taken, so stop drinking.
Also stay away from this woman, far away.

He's not the one with the problem though. The only problem he has is her. He's not the one who physically attacks his girlfriend when she's drunk. You're right about the last line though.


OP, you need to end it and you need to contact Amen to deal with your emotions. You CAN'T put up with this. You need get away from her. Drink is NO excuse.


I really hope you make the right decision.

Big Bag of Chips

Your post contradicts itself in a few places. You mention that the relationship is great, yet say she said really horrible things to you one night and mention that it happened a lot in your relationship.

That is not a great relationship.

She is doing a turn around now because she doesn't want people knowing the real reason for you breaking up. She doesn't want to let her family know that she has abused you many times. So it's easier to let people think the break up is somehow your fault. Down to you depression...

Either way it doesn't matter. You've broken up. She will give her version that makes her look good, but that diesnt matter. Stay broken up. It was a terrible relationship. You'll find better, much better.

username123

Neither of you should drink tbh. She turns into a nasty drunk and you act like an eejit drunk (putting her out, letting her back in, etc...).

So, take booze out of the equation altogether. It's not going to be helping your depression and anxiety anyway.

And stay away from her. She is a nut job who needs professional help and will probably end up arrested for assault somewhere along the line due to her behaviour, you don't need that in your life. Let some other poor eejit take her on, find yourself someone who isn't a crazy violent lowlife. Her reasons for wanting to split are irrelevant, just run like the wind away from thus person or someday it'll be worse than a black eye and wrecked home you wake up to.

retro:electro

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

He's not the one with the problem though. The only problem he has is her. He's not the one who physically attacks his girlfriend when she's drunk. You're right about the last line though.


OP, you need to end it and you need to contact Amen to deal with your emotions. You CAN'T put up with this. You need get away from her. Drink is NO excuse.


I really hope you make the right decision.

Well the impression I got from reading his post is that one is bad and the other is worse; the other being his ex obviously. It is clear she needs to stop drinking but only she can make that happen, the op needs to take care if himself and I feel like he also has an unhealthy relationship with drink that needs to come to an end. It's evident that neither of them can handle it thus chaos ensues but neither of them try to quit and so it goes around in circles. The op needs to put himself first and stay away from this woman and quit drinking.

rapidbuzzman

I was never really a drinker I would have a few but rarely get myself into a state. She always seemed to suggest the pub her whole social life revolved around it. I did try to suggest going out for a meal or to the cinema or even save the money she would spend on drink and nights out and go on holiday together but she,d party the whole weekend and have no money it was getting to a stage where I didn't want to drink with her or go out because I didn't know how the night would end. There was a time in Mc D late one night where a couple of girls sat in our booth to eat she got into a blazing fight with one of them over the fact there were sitting in our booth. I had to ask the gf to walk away and we left but it was turning ugly. The night up to that point was perfect and good humoured. It's just strange it would always go that way one minute it's a great night then next its a fight and your not talking for days ...

Merkin

I'd be acutely embarrassed to be going out with a volatile drunk like that.

She's done you a favour. Cut contact and I'm sure if you want to know what she's up to further down the line you'll only need to look at the case list for the Central Criminal Court or the front page of the Herdild after she's gone and glassed or assaulted someone.

She sounds thoroughly vile.

thefeatheredcat

rapidbuzzman wrote: »

since then we have boken up and she said she cant do this anymore. i know my reasons for wanting to split but not hers. she says she wants to be single cause she was in a relationship for years before this one. but im not sure... she seemed to change her tune when i mentioned i was suffering from depression and anxiety attacks...

listen i know im going to get the usual stick about why didnt i leave her when she first hit me but i did really care about her we only fought when drinking and im missing her any genuine advice would be appreciated.. thanks.

What is there to miss? A vile verbally and physically abusive individual who has no qualms about being just that after a few drinks and doesn't seem to have registered that they have a problem with alcohol and sounds to me, has never accepted responsibility for their behaviour when drunk.

OK she may be *only* like that when drunk, but what then when it's no longer when she's drunk that you fight and it's verbal abuse and physical violence while she's sober? What then down the line, if the relationship got serious and you're tied down to her with a kid or two?

Look, to be honest you're not missing on anything with this person, sober or drunk. I was briefly involved with someone who turned out to have a major problem with alcohol and would get aggressive when drunk. Yet sober, he was a lovely, sweet, intelligent, generous guy. Bit of drink on him would start with him being obnoxious, then aggressive, shouting random things at random people, racist remarks at strangers, aggression towards me over the littlest thing, nasty remarks that came from the blue, but never once, never were they physically violent towards me. It came close to it on one occasion. I walked away and never looked back. I took stock of the situation after, realised it was a bullet dodged. And I realised something, that actually that lovely, sweet, intelligent, generous guy when sober, was not quite like that at all, when sober. I overlooked things. While their behavour wasn't as bad in comparison to when drunk, it was not as rosy either. I didn't miss them at all, in fact I was congratulating myself on having an ounce of cop on to see them for what they were drunk and sober, which was an asshole who I was better off without. Life was better without them in it.

I'd have to agree with Big Bag of Chips about her not wanting others to know that she has been abusive to you that she's made it out to be your fault that she has had to end the relationship. But I would also look at the psychological game play and the kick when you're down as other valid reasons. She may have wanted to be the one to end it to make herself feel better, rather than face the reality that you probably would have ended it on the basis of no longer taking the physical abuse and any consequences of that that may have occurred such as formal complaints to Gardai over physical abuse.

I would ask you not to get back into a relationship with her. There is nothing to miss but a vile drunk who is abusive and violent and that will eventually spill over to when she is sober. She isn't likely to change and she isn't likely to see she, she herself has and is the problem as the blame will be pinned on you, that you bring out the worst in her, rather than alcohol and her own behaviour, her own thoughts and whatever issues she has.

You deserve a lot better. She probably might expect that you'd look to rekindle the relationship, don't give her that satisfaction. If she starts to contact you, change your number, block her. Should you go back into a relationship with her, and she hits you, go to the Gardai and make contact with Amen. And actually I think you should contact Amen and have a chat with them and talk about what you experienced, because they might get you to realise it more than I could, that what she did was wrong, being drunk is no excuse, and honestly, it's an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship that you are better off without in your life, and it is certainly not something or someone to miss for what they really are.

metaldrummer

Theres a simple answer, she's a wolf wrapped in sheeps wool, miss nice when sober miss 'true self' when drunk, she can hide her true self well but as they say, you speak the truth and act the truth when drunk, so really she is a agro psychotic b*tch but has the face of a liar but those layers dissapear when drink tears them down, not only that but have you ever talked sober to her about past incidents? She might have repressed rage against certain issues, like what if she was molested? What if she had a voilent childhood? What if she witnessed her parents do this on a regular basis and knows no different? You can't really judge her on the fact she is crazy when drunk, see the bigger picture here and get to the root of her mental issues, people might say im a idiot for thinking she might be a good person but what if i am speaking the truth about a memory or experience she can't share over embarresment? What if she is taking it out on you because she feels you should know what is wrong with her but you dont? I know this because i deal with it day in day out with couples and single people alike, people.qhi were abused by priests, people who where brought up.watching.their parents use drugs and spend all the rent and food money, so have you ever talked sober and really try to get to the bottom of her built up rage? Would you not like to be the person to help her become normal again? Is she expecting this from you and you just abandoned her? How will she takes this into future relationships! Find out my man, and find out soon. You dont want regrets or to see her go down in life with everything she has dissapear through a simple.matter that can be resolved over a simple talk and hug. If you need help i will do what i can or you can come.to my place of work and i will get to the bottom of it with both of you in a calm and relaxed environment.

Taltos

metaldrummer - welcome to PI/RI. Please read our charter before posting again. In that we call out asking the OP to PM you is not permitted, so using that as your starting point there is no way offering to meet up could ever be tolerated here.

Due to the seriousness of the issues this is a strictly moderated forum, so please for your own sake take 5 minutes now to have a read through the charter.

Thanks
Taltos