Alienated at work

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am in my first post-college job. Only been here 5 months but I already feel alienated. The problem is that it is all my fault that I find myself in this isolated position. I am naturally a very shy person and for some reason I feel intimidated by people who are more extroverted than me. Some of the more outgoing types have tried talking to me a few times, mainly at the start of the job - but anytime they do, I go intensly red in the face and can't even retain eye contact. I go so red I can feel my face actually pulsing so I give one word answers to escape the conversation.

There are some quiet people in the place, but the extroverted types will always go over to them for a chat and will not bother with me in the slightest as I can't even bring myself to talk to them. I feel very lonely and to be honest working has now become the worst part of the day. At least at home I don't feel bad because at work i'm there and everyone else has no problem chatting whereas I can't even force myself.

I don't particularly enjoy the job if im being honest but that isn't really relevant. Ever since I was 16 this has been a recurring issue for me and if I change job it will happen again in all probability. It happened in school a bit and happened in college. I cried on the bus home today because I feel like such a loser. I can't even bring myself to be a normal functioning person who can talk to people. My mood and general enthusiasm for talking to people has been pretty low for as far back as I can remember unless I am drinking when I turn into a completely different person.

The annoying part is that deep down I know I have a half-decent personality. The few people I feel comfortable around in life think highly of my sense of humour. I just don't know how to snap out of this.

bee06

I was in a very similar situation in my first job after college including the going bright red part. That was 10 years ago and I am so much better now. I still very occasionally go red when someone talks to me or if I say something stupid but I don't stress about it anymore.

What I did to get over it was just push myself to gradually talk to people even though it was totally uncomfortable for me at first. I also was less likely to go red if I started the conversation for some reason. It started off with small interactions like asking about someone's weekend when you are both at the coffee machine, if you have to ask one of your team members a question after they answer it have a quick chat about something ... Like do they have any holidays booked, isn't the weather great etc. The more you do it the easier it gets.

stickybookmark

I agree about first job out of college, it's very intimidating. It's such a different world and can be overwhelming. It took me ages to settle as well. It will get better honestly!!!!
Just go easy on yourself, don't be putting yourself under so much pressure. You finished college and got a job, that's fantastic and you deserve a big pat on the back for that. You're a success already just by virtue of the fact that you have secured a job out of college, so give yourself time to adjust to this whole new world that you're in.
Although I'm not introverted I can relate on the blushing front. It's always been a problem for me, I know only too well that feeling as you can feel your face getting redder and redder as the person is talking to you about some totally mundane issue and the more you think about trying to stop the blush, the more forcefully it arrives on your face! I always look away as well to try to hide the blush. Then you start thinking 'they must be wondering why the hell I'm blushing about such a mundane normal conversation god I'm mortified' which only makes you blush more!! Argh.....it's so annoying.
I do think though that it's a confidence thing. As you've already pointed out the more comfortable you feel with people, the less of an issue it becomes. I don't blush with colleagues that I know well or don't feel intimidated by so it's a matter of getting comfortable with your colleagues which will take time. Start with baby steps as bee06 says. Push yourself to have tiny little chats with the one or two colleagues that you know best or deal with the most. Bear through the blushes - so what - it's only a blush, it's not the end of the world.
This is only the beginning of your career and you have a long working life ahead of you more than likely 40 years or so, so you will learn to overcome this issue. In a few years time you'll look back on this phase and think 'god I've come such a long way since then'. It will happen, just take it step by little step, day by day.

scallywaggles

I agree with the others, give yourself a bit of a break and try and make an effort to have a chat with people. In work it's usually easy to just ask what people got up to at the weekend, about their holidays etc. Perhaps start asking them questions, it takes the onus off you having to answer and remember that people are just trying to make the workplace a bit more pleasant by having a chat. If you think that you really have problems talking to people and don't feel that you can make the steps on your own you could always try a counsellor/therapist in order gain methods/ideas on improving your conversational skills or join a local toastmasters to help you, loads of people do it and gradually as you get older and more used to working life you'll get better at it. Just start taking the steps now and before long you'll be surprised at how far you have come. It also helps when you're no longer the newbie and a bit more settled and you can start helping the new people settle in.

LynnGrace

May be worth trying counselling. A friend of mine tried it for dealing with different situations, and it definitely worked for him.
Meanwhile, try small things, as another poster said, most people are just trying to make the day more pleasant. If someone asks about your weekend, ask about theirs in turn, for example. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies so far. There are some people I feel comfortable with and will small talk with for a few minutes at lunch no problem. But the reason I feel alienated is because we are a small team and out of the 3 or 4 quiet ones among the 30 of us, I know for a fact I am respected the least and looked down on the most.

It kind of feels like secondary school to be honest with cliques forming. The more extroverted guys will barely look at me some days. Especially when other outgoing types are around them. I will always say hi to people because that's how I am. It's hard to explain but sometimes I can sense that they have been or are talking about me. Being predominantly guys I did not expect it to be a bitchy environment but it really is.

I recognize that making loads of mates in work is not the be all and end all in life, but it would be nice to not feel so intimidated by people just because they have more of an energetic outgoing personality than me. I actually don't really understand my personality because when around someone i'm comfortable with, I turn really chatty. Big groups and loud people will seemingly always intimidate me. It's frustrating

scallywaggles

Have a read of Quiet or watch Susan Cain on TED as you mostly likely like about half of the worlds population, an introvert.

You sound a bit paranoid to me, like yourself most of those people in working are thinking about either work or themselves. Go in and do your job, make the effort to chat to people as you are and go to work events, outside of work get to know other people so it'll help you not rely on work for your social outlet. Not everyone makes friends at work, it's not a big deal but you do need to work on your confidence, as Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.".

stickybookmark

Alien8ed wrote: »

I know for a fact I am respected the least and looked down on the most.

It's hard to explain but sometimes I can sense that they have been or are talking about me. Being predominantly guys I did not expect it to be a bitchy environment but it really is.

These statements smack of a victim mentality...why would they be talking about you? Shur what have you done to anyone? most people are just there to do their day's work as best they can and try to get on with people. Generally most people don't go into work thinking 'who can I alienate today' or 'how can I make the new graduate feel small today' I agree with scallywaggles I think you are letting paranoia get the better of you.
There's always the odd [EMAIL="w@nker"]w@nker[/EMAIL] in all workplaces but by and large, most people are decent and will chat back if you chat to them and most people are willing to help a graduate to learn the ropes. Either you've rocked up in a really poisonous workplace or you're making things out to be alot worse than they are in your head!

You should block negative thoughts like 'I am respected the least' and 'I'm looked down on the most' out of your mind completely. If you feel those kind of negative thoughts creeping in, just shoo them out. There's no place for them in your mind and they are not adding any value. Replace them with positive thoughts like 'I'm new, I'm learning the ropes, I will give myself a break and acknowledge it's going to take time to become comfortable in this environment'. And try telling yourself some positive affirmations like 'I succeeded in finishing college and secured a job, I am out in the working world, I am a success'

I guarantee you things are not as bad as you think they are !!

InReality

Treat it like an experiment to see what a post college job can be like. I think you have a touch a paranoid , I have a bit of it myself and it can be hard to spot.
I try and keep in mind that most people are nice and that most of them will never think about me.

LegacyUser

I was the same when I started my intern ship at an office.. I was even afraid getting up out of my seat and walking to the water fountain.
So I obviously found it hard to talk to people etc.

Because of this, everyday I would be in a bad mood after work. I got quite down after a few months.

Eventually I got sick of this. I just thought **** it (hard to enforce though), why would I have to hide my personality just because I am out of my comfort zone and around people who I find intimidating.

So I proactively tried to be less awkward, have more conversions. It was hard at the start because I would stutter (lol) and string sentences together like a 9 year old because I was so nervous. But I knew I was moving forward so I tried not to focus on this too much.
You just gotta do it.

I was even thinking my colleagues probably noticed this shift in my confidence and that was something else I had to get over; people expecting me to be nervous, and breaking those expectations.

So.. i was in your position, I just wanted to get out of it so badly that I did something about it even though it was hard, and im still not quite there yet.

You can do it!!