Rebuilding trust - Am I to quick to jump ship?

LegacyUser

So I need some advice on my relationship. I caught my boyfriend out on a lie last night. I found something (I don’t want to digress on this too much) in his rucksack (which he asked me to grab him something from). This was something that I had asked him not to be a part of. Explicitly so. He told me he wouldn’t. However I saw it there, and then he tried to cover it up with a lie. It was a bad lie and I called him out on it completely. He then decided to come clean and explain himself.

Now the problem here is not so much what I found. That is another thread in itself. The problem is that he betrayed my trust, and lied to my face. I pressed him on this and he said he had discussed my feelings on the subject with his friend (who I don’t like) and how I was against it, and the friend told him to ignore me, which is what he did. So I also felt like he was disrespecting me behind my back also.

My question is I suppose at what point do you say “you broke my trust, you lied, I’m out of this relationship”. As I said to him I was very upset he had broken my trust in that way and that if he can do it for something smaller and go behind my back, he is also capable of a bigger deceit. I don’t want to be an insecure questioning girlfriend. I thought we had a really good relationship and this is making me doubt things. I don’t want to hang around to get hurt again by someone who can do that to me. Am I being too black and white on this? Should I just get over it? It wasn’t the biggest lie in the world. But does that lead to more? Im also not saying Im perfect either. But I never lie or hold anything back from him in our relationship.

Some background: We are late 20s/early 30s and have been together 3 years. He’s never been a d1ck over those 3 years – well apart from a few laddish/stupid things he has done and apologised for and I’ve accepted that, as he has accepted errors I have made during this time. In general he is loving and caring. I do love him a lot.

Merkin

You haven't given any context so it's impossible to say without you actually disclosing what it was. Do you feel he overeats and he'd a packet of jammy dodgers in his bag or was it crystal meth? We can't really say who is being unreasonable considering that you've given us very little to go on.

IrishEyes19

blackandwhite0001 wrote: »

So I need some advice on my relationship. I caught my boyfriend out on a lie last night. I found something (I don’t want to digress on this too much) in his rucksack (which he asked me to grab him something from). This was something that I had asked him not to be a part of. Explicitly so. He told me he wouldn’t. However I saw it there, and then he tried to cover it up with a lie. It was a bad lie and I called him out on it completely. He then decided to come clean and explain himself.

Now the problem here is not so much what I found. That is another thread in itself. The problem is that he betrayed my trust, and lied to my face. I pressed him on this and he said he had discussed my feelings on the subject with his friend (who I don’t like) and how I was against it, and the friend told him to ignore me, which is what he did. So I also felt like he was disrespecting me behind my back also.

My question is I suppose at what point do you say “you broke my trust, you lied, I’m out of this relationship”. As I said to him I was very upset he had broken my trust in that way and that if he can do it for something smaller and go behind my back, he is also capable of a bigger deceit. I don’t want to be an insecure questioning girlfriend. I thought we had a really good relationship and this is making me doubt things. I don’t want to hang around to get hurt again by someone who can do that to me. Am I being too black and white on this? Should I just get over it? It wasn’t the biggest lie in the world. But does that lead to more? Im also not saying Im perfect either. But I never lie or hold anything back from him in our relationship.

Some background: We are late 20s/early 30s and have been together 3 years. He’s never been a d1ck over those 3 years – well apart from a few laddish/stupid things he has done and apologised for and I’ve accepted that, as he has accepted errors I have made during this time. In general he is loving and caring. I do love him a lot.

I can't believe Im saying this, but are you over reacting a tad bit, OP. It sounds like his friend/s think you have the apron strings a little too tight. I would bet he didn't want to look like he was under your thumb to his friends and went along with it, hence the lie and the cover up.

I completely understand why you would be hurt for someone lying to you. I dont know what he did, but is it so terrible that you actually forbade him to do something. I'll be honest with you, I would end the relationship with someone who told me what to do and especially with my friends.

LegacyUser

Ok, I realise I need to give it some context. It was unprescribed viagra. So I do think I am entitled to have a say in it. Maybe not, I dont know. Its not necessarily the issue though. The issue is that I expected him to respect me enough to not go behind my back, talk about me negatively to his mate, and lie to my face.

Greenduck

Unfortunately I think context is too important in this instance to make a call. While I think honesty and trust are the pillars of a good relationship...there are somethings that are harmless enough that can be kept to yourself. I personally don't think it completely necessary for your partner to know every single thing about you.

You say it was something you asked him not to be a part of. Did he agree to this? My partner asks me not to do lots of things but I still do them

ManOfMystery

My partner asks me not to pick my nose, but I still do it sometimes. Would we split up over it? No.

She also asks me not to cheat, and I don't. If I did, and I was caught, would we split up over it? Yes.

Context is very important here, it's difficult to respond to your OP without knowing what was in the bag. We're not just being nosey.

Alf. A. Male

Was it something you had a right or reason to ask him not to be involved in?

Maphisto

blackandwhite0001 wrote: »

Ok, I realise I need to give it some context. It was unprescribed viagra. So I do think I am entitled to have a say in it. Maybe not, I dont know. Its not necessarily the issue though. The issue is that I expected him to respect me enough to not go behind my back, talk about me negatively to his mate, and lie to my face.

When you asked him not to get involved did he agree?

Is the viagra solely to please you i.e. there's no one else involved?

I'm even more intrigued now that he would discuss this, of all things, with his "mate".

Merkin

blackandwhite0001 wrote: »

Ok, I realise I need to give it some context. It was unprescribed viagra. So I do think I am entitled to have a say in it. Maybe not, I dont know. Its not necessarily the issue though. The issue is that I expected him to respect me enough to not go behind my back, talk about me negatively to his mate, and lie to my face.

Still need a wee bit more context I'm afraid. Has he taken the Viagra? And is it for recreational purposes or because he has ED issues? And how did it even come up in conversation before now? Is he hanging around with guys who do it for sh1ts and giggles (it's common enough on the club scene) or does he have problems in the trouser department and you asked him to and speak to a GP rather than buy it on the black market? If you can give us some more background then we may be in a better position to advise.

homerjay2005

blackandwhite0001 wrote: »

As I said to him I was very upset he had broken my trust in that way and that if he can do it for something smaller and go behind my back, he is also capable of a bigger deceit.

well no, not at all. everybody tells a few lies now and then, nobody is perfect. as has been pointed out above, its all about context and the viagra reference tells us nothing apart from the fact you are completely over reacting.

my missus may ask me to come straight home from watching a match with my mates, but i may decide to have one more drink as opposed to leaving when the match is over. does that make me a bad boyfriend?

likewise my missus for example knows i wouldnt like her spending €150 on shoes and would tell me they cost €75....does that make her a compulsive lier?

i really pity your boyfriend here to be honest, you do sound really insecure and there is a big chance that your boyfriend is actually too "good" for you and you actually trying to control him.

FullblownRose

blackandwhite0001 wrote: »

So I need some advice on my relationship. I caught my boyfriend out on a lie last night. I found something (I don’t want to digress on this too much) in his rucksack (which he asked me to grab him something from). This was something that I had asked him not to be a part of. Explicitly so. He told me he wouldn’t. However I saw it there, and then he tried to cover it up with a lie. It was a bad lie and I called him out on it completely. He then decided to come clean and explain himself.

Now the problem here is not so much what I found. That is another thread in itself. The problem is that he betrayed my trust, and lied to my face. I pressed him on this and he said he had discussed my feelings on the subject with his friend (who I don’t like) and how I was against it, and the friend told him to ignore me, which is what he did. So I also felt like he was disrespecting me behind my back also.

My question is I suppose at what point do you say “you broke my trust, you lied, I’m out of this relationship”. As I said to him I was very upset he had broken my trust in that way and that if he can do it for something smaller and go behind my back, he is also capable of a bigger deceit. I don’t want to be an insecure questioning girlfriend. I thought we had a really good relationship and this is making me doubt things. I don’t want to hang around to get hurt again by someone who can do that to me. Am I being too black and white on this? Should I just get over it? It wasn’t the biggest lie in the world. But does that lead to more? Im also not saying Im perfect either. But I never lie or hold anything back from him in our relationship.

Some background: We are late 20s/early 30s and have been together 3 years. He’s never been a d1ck over those 3 years – well apart from a few laddish/stupid things he has done and apologised for and I’ve accepted that, as he has accepted errors I have made during this time. In general he is loving and caring. I do love him a lot.

Instead of ever really discussing stuff with me my boyfriend seems to talk about stuff with his friend who i cannot stand and he repeats these weird, offensive, stupid statements he gets from his friend as if the friend is Buddha himself and the repository of all knowledge. We are around the same age groups as you but together longer so I will cast out the usual advice..deal with it before you are in too deep and this lying crap becomes the accepted norm for you.

What I think would really make an impact is to distance yourself from him if that's what it takes until he realises that you wont be fobbed off about this issue between you.

Lou.m

blackandwhite0001 wrote: »

Ok, I realise I need to give it some context. It was unprescribed viagra. So I do think I am entitled to have a say in it. Maybe not, I dont know. Its not necessarily the issue though. The issue is that I expected him to respect me enough to not go behind my back, talk about me negatively to his mate, and lie to my face.

Well, No you are not it is his body in the end.

And he can keep things like that private if he feels he wants to.

Unprescribed is silly and there you go. But you can't dictate his life to him.

He is an adult.

If it was heroine I would say you have a right to be very very angry.

I don't know if you really have a right to be so controlling.

Perhaps he is insecure.

Your post is all about you you you. What about his feelings ?

meeeeh

It's dumb to buy prescription drugs online. But when I read opening post it reminded me of an argument a parent has with a teenage kid. Personally I think you are making too much out of it. No one is hundred percent open and truthful in a relationship. I really think that the main problem is the stupidity of buying viagra online not not telling you about it.