dating the wrong man

LegacyUser

Im seeing a guy for the past 6 months, he has a girlfriend... he says he cant leave as they
have children. Ive fallen for him big time
he is never goina leave is he?

Merkin

No he's not going to leave. Why are you involving yourself with a man who already has a partner and children at home? Surely you want better for yourself than someone's cheating sloppy seconds?

The_Honeybadger

No it doesn't sound like he will leave his partner and kids, why would he? He has the best of both worlds right now with a missus at home and a bit on the side for some excitement. I'd suggest you end the relationship ASAP, you need to move on and find somebody with less baggage. If he felt the same way about you he'd have left her by now. But you probably know that already.

I know it will be painful but it'll be a lot less painful than being strung along by this man who has no intention of ever making a proper commitment to you.

Lou.m

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

Im seeing a guy for the past 6 months, he has a girlfriend... he says he cant leave as they
have children. Ive fallen for him big time
he is never goina leave is he?

No

Are you saying you would want him to?

Seriously you would be taking him away from his kids?

YOU should do the right thing and leave.

He is cheating on his wife is that something a good person does?

Why did you do this?

You would not be prepared for the showdown that would happen if he did leave her and his children. He would be devastated they would be devastated.

Have you thought about the feelings of the girlfriend and kids?

He has been a terrible partner to his girlfriend why would you want him?

And why would you want someone who sees you as a second choice?

Flippyfloppy

No human worth their salt will ever leave their KIDS for a woman, and you shouldnt want them to.

People only realize what real, unconditional serious love is when they have kids. There is no way this is going to work out for you. Move on aptly named sillygirl.

El Horseboxo

As soon as you found out about the girlfriend and kids you should have walked. That's messed up staying with some dude like that.

I'm only expecting my first now and I already feel like I'll always be there.

LegacyUser

He has a girlfriend and kids. If he's willing to cheat on his partner, he would most definitely cheat on you.

Walk away, because he won't. You'll only devastate his family when they find out about you.

AnonMouse

If he left and committed to you, how could you trust him? It would be impossible, considering the circumstances.

For your own dignity, walk away now. It'll save you a lot of stress and heart ache later.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Eeeek, what a horrible situation.

Look, I'm not going to come down heavy on you for what's happened. We don't know the ins and outs here.

Just get out of the situation, end it, stop it. It will NEVER end well and you will always come off as the bad guy.

I was pursued for months by a guy who had a wife and kids, I thought he was divorced, went on a date and he told me they were separated.

a few weeks later I discovered separated meant sleeping in different bedrooms, eventually he left and moved in with me and it transpired he was never even in the spare room, she'd just found out and thrown him out.

What I'm saying is - this guy is not a nice person, he's lying to the mother of his children every day, and he's still choosing that woman he lies to every day over you.

Men who cheat, will cheat, they are constantly looking for something better, more exciting or the thrill of cheating itself. But they don't want to get any black spots on their lovely "normal life" either.

Walk away and hold your head up

x

Sephiroth_dude

Walk away and don't look back,otherwise this will just end in tears.

stargazer 68

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Walk away and don't look back,otherwise this will just end in tears.

It certainly will - and trust me OP it won't be his tears!

Neyite

Dovies wrote: »

It certainly will - and trust me OP it won't be his tears!

Unless they are of the crocodile variety.

Sadderday

OP, you must be low in self esteem to fall for someone that can only give you a fraction of what you deserve.

Even if he does leave his girlfriend... you will be his significant other, does it not scare you that he might cheat on you?

To be honest, no one can judge. He might be a lovely guy that just hasn't got the balls to end it with the mother of his children etc etc etc


but .......... since you took the time to post the above, I think you know that he really isn't worth it.

There are plenty of men out there, you don't have to settle.

Flippyfloppy

Op, maybe look at it as wrong place wrong time. Maybe if you guys had met before he had kids you could have made a go of it. But no way is he going to leave his children for anyone.

LegacyUser

We have a really strong connection, I just find it so hard to dump him.. what do I do /say?

bp

Oh honey, you don't have a strong connection....(harsh I know) but he will have a new bed fellow in a week!

Let me guess she doesn't understand him, is giving the kids all her time etc etc

Do you guys go out on dates, in public? Your connection is s*x for him!

Yes there is a slight chance I am wrong, but let him end one relationship before starting another.

Oh and tell him: you are in a relationship with someone else therefore we cannot be together. Please respect my decision and do not contact me.

Delete his number and find someone who can proudly call you their girlfriend and spend Christmas etc with you

scotty172

Of course he never gonna too leave sure at minute he has best of both worlds but hey say if his missus finds out you mite be in trouble

BeatlesFan1992

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

If he's able to cheat on his girlfriend then what makes you think he will leave her and his child and not do the same to you?

Get rid!

You can do a lot better.

Lou.m

You don't have a strong connection

You don't see him as he is. You don't see his needs. You don't understand him.

He does not care about your needs.

You sound as if you are in a fantasy.

He has children. They are a part of him something he created with a another woman. You have never met him and you think your connection is strong? He saw that woman give birth to his children.

You don't know the first thing about that.

He saw her give birth and now he is cheating on all of that.

You don't know him.


He has a house and car and this woman more than likely keeps that house and cleans his clothes and cooks. Is he going to leave that and his children NO... THAT IS HIS HOME!

You have never been to this man's home. If you had never been to a guys home and seen where he lived or met his friends and he was not with another woman would you think you had a good connection?

He is not going to leave his assets ..his house and kids ...he would be financially worse off emotionally hurting his children ...no he will not leave.

The other woman is his family. She is the one his friends know.

You are not really in a lot of his life.

Stavro Mueller

You started this thread hoping someone would be able to tell you something you wanted to hear, didn't you? He has already told you he can't leave his girlfriend because of the children. So that leaves you in the position you are indefinitely. This is going nowhere and won't be.

If you don't tell him it's over, think of what you're going to lose out on. I assume you're sneaking around as it is so that means you can't spontaneously go where you want. I bet you're being slotted in around family commitments. You're never going to be able to go on holidays with him or have a home with him. While you sit around being his bit on the side, life's passing you by. He's preventing you from meeting single men you could have an equally strong connection with. You'll never know as long as you're throwing your lot in with him. What if having children is something you'd like? You're sacrificing that as well.

Even if he did leave his girlfriend there'd be a horrendous mess to sort. You're looking at maintenance and other legal wranglings, not to mention an ex girlfriend who will always be in your lives. As for the kids, well that could be even more complicated. He's not married so that leaves him with few legal rights under Irish law. If he maintains a relationship with the kids, they'll probably blame you and hate you for splitting up their parents. I doubt he'll leave though. He has too much to lose.

Nobody's suggesting it'll be easy for you to pull the plug on this. It's going to be very tough and you'll miss him terribly. Which is worse though, breaking up now or breaking up in a few years time? This affair is extremely unlikely to end well and you're the one who's going to bear the brunt.

This article is worth a read. I know it refers to a married man but the main points are still relevant http://www.futurescopes.com/affairs-and-infidelity/767/how-end-affair-married-man

LegacyUser

ok.. you are all so right & Im so glad for your honest replies... its what I needed to hear
I have nobody to advise me on this matter so Ive never really had any advice before..
Ive been seriously hurt by men in the past, & I believe my self esteem is rock bottom

Ive deleted his number & if when he texts again to meet up Im going to tell him to leave me alone.. he is using me for one thing only

Stavro Mueller

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

ok.. you are all so right & Im so glad for your honest replies... its what I needed to hear
I have nobody to advise me on this matter so Ive never really had any advice before..
Ive been seriously hurt by men in the past, & I believe my self esteem is rock bottom

Ive deleted his number & if when he texts again to meet up Im going to tell him to leave me alone.. he is using me for one thing only

Best of luck - I hope you find the strength to dump him. If you have a smartphone, it's possible to block people's numbers. That might work better for you. I'm not entirely sure but I think you can have your phone's network block numbers as well

iPhone

Android

Windows

Because you're lonely and your self-esteem's low, someone like you is ideal fodder for people like this man. I bet he's charming and really easy to talk to. Makes you feel so great when you're together. Waste no more time on him. You're not a fool - you've had a pretty good idea what has been going all all along anyway

scotty172

That's the rite decision OP mite take a bit for him too stop texting but ye will get there

scotty172

That's the rite decision OP mite take a bit for him too stop texting but ye will get there

LegacyUser

I told him I couldnt be with him anymore & not to text me again. He didn't take it very well, he is really upset, he kept saying you knew what my situation was...
We work in the same town but don't live in the same town so hopefully I wont see him accidentally
Im devastated.. but its for the best isn't it? I will be somebody else wont I? feel really left on the shelf now..

scotty172

Ye you be grand of course he gonna feel left down he just lost his bit on the side imagine how let down his missus be if she knew

CaraMay

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

I told him I couldnt be with him anymore & not to text me again. He didn't take it very well, he is really upset, he kept saying you knew what my situation was...
We work in the same town but don't live in the same town so hopefully I wont see him accidentally
Im devastated.. but its for the best isn't it? I will be somebody else wont I? feel really left on the shelf now..

Well done op. You are so strong. Take heart from the respect you have for yourself by walking away.

He was upset as he now has to go find someone else who will put up with his 'situation'. What a poor excuse for a man,

nc19

Merkin wrote: »

No he's not going to leave. Why are you involving yourself with a man who already has a partner and children at home? Surely you want better for yourself than someone's cheating sloppy seconds?

'Sloppy seconds' describes a situation where 2 men have sex in succession with one woman.

Lou.m

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

I told him I couldnt be with him anymore & not to text me again. He didn't take it very well, he is really upset, he kept saying you knew what my situation was...
We work in the same town but don't live in the same town so hopefully I wont see him accidentally
Im devastated.. but its for the best isn't it? I will be somebody else wont I? feel really left on the shelf now..

Your life has just got better. You have realized you are worth more.

Hold on to that self worth and YES you will meet someone else.

YES YOU WILL.

Typer Monkey

OP in reality you were on the shelf while you were with him. He was conducting his serious grown up life with a home and kids with his girlfriend. You were meanwhile sitting around wasting your time being his bit on the side.

Now you are free to meet a man who wants all that stuff with you alone. You've jumped down off the shelf!

Stavro Mueller

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

I told him I couldnt be with him anymore & not to text me again. He didn't take it very well, he is really upset, he kept saying you knew what my situation was...
We work in the same town but don't live in the same town so hopefully I wont see him accidentally
Im devastated.. but its for the best isn't it? I will be somebody else wont I? feel really left on the shelf now..

I'm not sure you *really* listened when he said he couldn't leave his girlfriend because of the kids. He was telling you things were never going to change. You'd always be the bit on the side while he played happy families. Is that really what you were prepared to settle for? Of course he was upset - his guaranteed shag has just been taken from him.

As for this left on the shelf business, are you seriously telling us that seeing some man who's never going to leave his family translates as "Woohoo, I'm not on the shelf any more?"

I think you could do with taking some time out to be single and to work on your self esteem. You've built up a track record of going for the wrong men and you need to break that cycle. It's also sad that you're using that "on the shelf" phrase. It implies that your life's not worth it unless you've got a man. It might be worth going to chat with a counsellor to get things off your chest and to point you in the right direction.

LegacyUser

thanks for all advice everyone. So far so good, its hard but I have a real sense of no going back on this one.. there is just no good for me in any way..

not sure if I could do counselling but Id appreciate any other ideas for boosting self-esteem

The_Honeybadger

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

thanks for all advice everyone. So far so good, its hard but I have a real sense of no going back on this one.. there is just no good for me in any way..

not sure if I could do counselling but Id appreciate any other ideas for boosting self-esteem

Boosting self esteem, exercise, eat well, take a few classes and join a few clubs or societies that might interest you. Pamper yourself. Maybe you do some of these things already. Being fit and looking well are the two biggest boosts you can give to your self esteem IMO.

Humanbean

nc19 wrote: »

'Sloppy seconds' describes a situation where 2 men have sex in succession with one woman.

I don't think there are any gender limits on this term - it's quite "sloppy" behaviour for this man to sleep with his partner, kiss his children goodbye, and then go off and visit the OP, so no need to be sexist. The best thing would be for the OP to realise she has made a mistake, she deserves better, and to get herself out before several lives are shattered.

diveout

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

thanks for all advice everyone. So far so good, its hard but I have a real sense of no going back on this one.. there is just no good for me in any way..

not sure if I could do counselling but Id appreciate any other ideas for boosting self-esteem

When you look at the consequences of divorce, financial, and kids living a life of suitcases in the hallway, and how much they will hate you as the step mom who took their dad away, do you really want to be a part of all that? Now that would be really bad for you. Walk.

marie12

re your self esteem- what advice would you give a friend in this situation? do those things. also if you're tempted to do anything that could damage your self worth ask yourself "is this healthy for my mind, heart and body?"

CaraMay

diveout wrote: »

When you look at the consequences of divorce, financial, and kids living a life of suitcases in the hallway, and how much they will hate you as the step mom who took their dad away, do you really want to be a part of all that? Now that would be really bad for you. Walk.

The girl has walked. Fair play to her.

Get fit op and your esteem will follow

Flippyfloppy

sunflower27 wrote: »

I have to disagree. You think people should stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of their children - and by that I mean both men and women?

Many people have gone on to separate and it has been beneficial for all parties. Children growing up in loveless marriages have a warped view of what marriage is like so that in itself makes it damaging.

You don't need a child to experience unconditional, serious love. What about people that don't want children or are unable to have them? Are you saying they will never know what unconditional love from a partner is?

That aside, OP, well done. You deserve so much better. Stay strong. x

Firstly, I'm not directing anything at people who do not have children or won't have children. I'm talking about this man and his kids, and my own experience with having children and anyone in my circle has the same opinion regarding a huge overwhelming love for your children, a bit of a primal instinct I would think.

Secondly, I agree from personal experience that staying in an unhappy marriage for kids sake is an awful idea and doesn't benefit anyone. However in this situation OP cannot tell us whether her ex's marriage is or isn't unhappy. Of course,there's something up for him to cheat, but we don't know for a fact that it's an unhappy relationship. We do know that he won't and didn't leave his wife & kids, which obviously speaks volumes. That is his choice & the point is it will do OP serious damage to hang around on the sidelines wasting her life away.

LegacyUser

Do ye think he will have regrets & try & win me back.. Im afraid I will be too weak if he puts
pressure on me..

Stavro Mueller

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

Do ye think he will have regrets & try & win me back.. Im afraid I will be too weak if he puts
pressure on me..

You have this all wrong. I mean, the subject heading for this thread is "Dating the wrong man". You were never dating this man. Excuse my crudeness here but you were little more than a warm body and a pair of open legs to him.

What do you mean by "regrets"? The only regret he has is that he doesn't have you to have sex with any more. Let's not forget that he's already in a relationship and has children. If he had any moral backbone at all, the only regrets he should have would be cheating on his girlfriend with you.

It would not surprise me if he tried to win you back. Why wouldn't he? You have shown that you're willing to have sex with a man who's already taken. It can be hard to find women who are willing to lower their standards like this - most women would tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. He knows what he's doing is wrong but he really landed the jackpot when you fell into bed with him.

You have to be proactive here and ensure he doesn't get the chance to worm his way back into your affections. If it means changing your phone number so be it. Earlier in this thread I gave some advice as to how you block his number. Or you could just refuse to answer his texts and calls. You've got to take responsibility for yourself and not be the gullible woman you've been to date. Even if you are stupid enough to go back to him, nothing will change. After all, he did tell you that you knew what the story was. I don't know what part of he has a girlfriend and children at home and can't leave isn't getting through to you. If you were that important to him he'd have found a way to leave by now, wouldn't he?

To finish off, don't fool yourself into thinking that your "connection" means anything. It's in his interests to be at his most charming and keep you besotted with him. Otherwise you might get fed up of being complicit in a grubby affair that's going nowhere.

LegacyUser

Wow that's some fantastic eye-opening words Cymbaline.. thanks so much.. I really appreciate it. I am not going to block his number or change my own.. but if he dares text or ring me again.. I will happily reply to him & tell him to **** off!

CaraMay

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

Wow that's some fantastic eye-opening words Cymbaline.. thanks so much.. I really appreciate it. I am not going to block his number or change my own.. but if he dares text or ring me again.. I will happily reply to him & tell him to **** off!

You really should be blocking his number if you are serious about this. Why not?

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

You really should be blocking his number if you are serious about this. Why not?

Have to say OP I agree with CaraMay and without meaning to sound harsh, it does sound like you still want to hear from him. If you were really serious about ending things with him you would block his number without question.

Stavro Mueller

You say you texted him to say you weren't going to see him any more. That should've been the end of that. Why on earth are you still contacting him? By the way, replying to his texts = contact.

strobe

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

. I am not going to block his number

Hmm?

sillygirl2000 wrote: »

Im afraid I will be too weak if he puts
pressure on me..

Seems a bit daft in light of this post, no?

---

There's healthier ways to seek validation than ending things with this guy and then hoping he comes chasing you...

...particularly when you think yourself you may well buckle and allow him to go back to using you...

Scortch and salt the earth behind you. Block his number. Forget about him. Move on. Don't look back.

Stavro Mueller

strobe wrote: »

...

There's healthier ways to seek validation than ending things with this guy and then hoping he comes chasing you...

...particularly when you think yourself you may well buckle and allow him to go back to using you...

Scortch and salt the earth behind you. Block his number. Forget about him. Move on. Don't look back.

Or maybe you're hoping that if you "end" things with him, it'll force his hand and he'll leave his girlfriend? :rolleyes: