Dad dumping 13yr old

LegacyUser

To cut a long story very short, I'm really worried about my teenage son. His dad and I separated early on, went to court over access etc, that was all sorted. But was never really sorted as his Dad travels a lot and never took more than about 50% of access. Never formed a close relationship as a result. Over the past year things have taken a weird turn, and basically his Dad has pulled back massively. He no longer takes any of his court access, and he won't arrange anything in advance. He criticizes his son a lot, and says he's not respectful. He doesn't phone anymore, and seems to want our son to have to come looking for him before he'll see him. I don't think 13 is old enough for that kind of choice, I would prefer regular, reliable visits for him whether he says he wants to or not. But he won't even answer any communication from me. I don't know how my son really feels about it, i don't think I'm the right person for him to talk to. But I feel like he's being abandoned at the very age where he needs a Dad most. I can't afford any private counselling, but I'd love to find someone who could advise me what to do about the situation. Any ideas welcome.

lang

Hi,

As a nearly 30 year old son to two parents who separated some 22 years ago I think it's really important that your son has all the opportunities to meet with or speak with your ex as much as possible. You say that you do not know what your son feels/thinks about the situation... why not? Try and sit down with your son and ask him to speak honestly about what he feels about the situation. Does he want to see his father? Would he rather have no contact? Or just phone contact?

It is so, so, so important that no matter what you think of your ex that this impression of him does not influence your son's view of his father. Your son, at 13, is old enough to understand some of what is going on. While inside your blood may be boiling you have to give the message to your son that his father does love him. You could talk honestly to him about what is going (at an age appropriate level of course).

I hope this is of some help to you. Honesty is the name of the game. Don't bad-mouth your ex in front of your son. Keep updating your ex on the goings-on of your son... school, summer camps, sports, etc. Even if he isn't replying to your communications that is not a reason for you to stop.

lukesmom

lang wrote: »

Hi,

As a nearly 30 year old son to two parents who separated some 22 years ago I think it's really important that your son has all the opportunities to meet with or speak with your ex as much as possible. You say that you do not know what your son feels/thinks about the situation... why not? Try and sit down with your son and ask him to speak honestly about what he feels about the situation. Does he want to see his father? Would he rather have no contact? Or just phone contact?

It is so, so, so important that no matter what you think of your ex that this impression of him does not influence your son's view of his father. Your son, at 13, is old enough to understand some of what is going on. While inside your blood may be boiling you have to give the message to your son that his father does love him. You could talk honestly to him about what is going (at an age appropriate level of course).

I hope this is of some help to you. Honesty is the name of the game. Don't bad-mouth your ex in front of your son. Keep updating your ex on the goings-on of your son... school, summer camps, sports, etc. Even if he isn't replying to your communications that is not a reason for you to stop.

I'm sorry but why should she keep updating her ex about all the goings on when he won't communicate with her???from what the op has said he doesn't seem to care about seeing their son. He sounds very selfish and I feel sorry for the boy but I don't see why the op must keep banging her head against a brick wall. It's his loss.

lang

It's not about banging her head against a brick wall. I'm in no way defending the father (ex) for not standing up and taking responsibility for his son but that does not mean that he does not have a right to know what is going on for his son (even if he is being a bit of a tool around contact and the like). I would not be talking about weekly or even monthly updates, just when she feels there is something to update him on such as detailed in previous post.

I, as a father to an 11 month old, could not fathom having no communications with or about my daughter. And as such, I cannot defend this man's actions. But, in some time the son will ask his mother why his father did not communicate with him and she can turn around and say that she tried to keep the lines of communication open.

diveout

lang wrote: »

It's not about banging her head against a brick wall. I'm in no way defending the father (ex) for not standing up and taking responsibility for his son but that does not mean that he does not have a right to know what is going on for his son (even if he is being a bit of a tool around contact and the like). I would not be talking about weekly or even monthly updates, just when she feels there is something to update him on such as detailed in previous post.

I, as a father to an 11 month old, could not fathom having no communications with or about my daughter. And as such, I cannot defend this man's actions. But, in some time the son will ask his mother why his father did not communicate with him and she can turn around and say that she tried to keep the lines of communication open.

This makes sense from the outside, but if the other parent doesn't want the communication, then you also have to respect that or it creates more conflict.

OP it sounds like dad is going through something personal. I don't think there is anything you can do about it. How long has this been going on?