Don't think I want Kids

LegacyUser

I got married 6 months ago and I'm not sure if I want kids.
I know my husband wants them more than anything.
You see I'm not getting any younger so maybe 1 in the picture.
The problem I have is, I don't see any positives in having children. You only hear people complain about their lives and it's all down to their kids.
I love my life the way it is and would love to keep it like this. But I fear my husband regretting not having kids and resenting me for it.
It's upsetting.

Big Bag of Chips

Is this not something you should have discussed before getting married?

I don't know who your friends are but I feel sorry for their kids. Also I don't know how serious any of them are about their kids being the cause of all their problems. Are they exaggerating? Or are you?

You don't have to have kids. But make the decision because on what YOU want, not based on your friends.

And speak to your husband.

CaraMay

Why did you not tell him this?????

You need to tell him now so he can decide what to do.

There are a lot of positives to having kids and shame on your friends if they complain about them. Some people would kill to have kids.

meeeeh

Is your husband under the impression that you do want kids?

If you didn't tell him then let him know asap so he can make a decision if he wants to stay in the marriage. Under no circumstances you should have children if you don't want them.

Chara1001

Oh my god, you should have told him this!!!
If there's any one single conversation a couple need to have before deciding to marry, it's whether they want children or not..

Are you 100% sure you don't? You need to figure this out asap, talk to him and op- he needs to decide what to do. It's possible he would need to leave you. If I met someone and he didn't want children, well it wouldn't matter how much we loved each other- we could not last.

No you don't hear people with children only complaining about it- that's categorically utter bulls**t!
And i'm a single mother.

What a mess op...

dizzymiss

Did ye discuss this at all before ye got married??? It really is a big issue to only be approaching now you're six months in? Ye need to discuss asap especially when you say kids are something he really wants. Nothing wrong with not wanting children but it really isnt something that should only be coming up now.

With regards people you know complaining about their lives and it being because of their kids, I feel sorry for those children. I can genuinely say no issue I have in my life is because of my daughter. I certainly dont compkain and blame it on her.

Azwaldo55

Babiesornot wrote: »

I got married 6 months ago and I'm not sure if I want kids.
I know my husband wants them more than anything.
You see I'm not getting any younger so maybe 1 in the picture.
The problem I have is, I don't see any positives in having children. You only hear people complain about their lives and it's all down to their kids.
I love my life the way it is and would love to keep it like this. But I fear my husband regretting not having kids and resenting me for it.
It's upsetting.

You didn't discuss this before then you should have discussed this with your husband before you married him.
For many men marriage and kids go together in the same package so you are guaranteed to expect this to come to a head.
If you are adamant you are not having kids and his idea is that kids go together with marriage then a clock is ticking and a bomb is going to go off.
If you did discuss this before marriage he might have went along with you and then expected you to change your mind down the line.
You can't obviously be forced to have kids but if he wants kids badly by the same token he may resent being forced to be childless.
If that does not change and he is dead set on kids then he may well leave you and marry someone else who does have the same view as he does because it can be too much of a stretch for many men to agree to be childless.
If you are sure you don't want kids you have to be prepared for the worst and the possible break up of your marriage.
That doesn't mean you should have kids when you don't want to and you should give in to him if it does become a deal breaker but things are as they are and you have to be prepared for how they may be in the future.

Stavro Mueller

Babiesornot wrote: »

I got married 6 months ago and I'm not sure if I want kids.
I know my husband wants them more than anything.
You see I'm not getting any younger so maybe 1 in the picture.
The problem I have is, I don't see any positives in having children. You only hear people complain about their lives and it's all down to their kids.
I love my life the way it is and would love to keep it like this. But I fear my husband regretting not having kids and resenting me for it.
It's upsetting.

I don't see that you have any other option than to be honest with your husband. My impression from what you're writing here is that you really don't want them but may be only coming around to the realisation late in the day. I bet you were in the "maybe" camp and were happy when kids were just a vague notion. Now that the idea of kids could become a reality, you're looking around for reasons to back up your argument about why they're a terrible idea.

I'm with Big Bag of Chips when she suggests you're exaggerating what you're friends are saying about their children. Even the most loving of parents will tell you that there are times when their kids wreck their heads. Are you seizing upon the negative things they're saying and ignoring the all positivity?

Having children isn't for everyone. If your gut feeling is that you don't want to have them, then don't bring any into this world just so that you'll keep your husband happy.

Merkin

I cannot for the life of me comprehend how this didn't come up in conversation with your husband before marrying him. Or perhaps I've misunderstood, did you think you wanted kids and have now changed your mind?

LegacyUser

OP here.
I feel I may not have explained correctly.

My husband knew before we married that I wasn't sure about having kids and that I lean on the not having side.

We discussed it before and after marrying that it was still possible that I could not want them.

In regards to friends with kids. I didn't mean they constantly complain, I meant they don't talk about how great their life is because of their children but how certain parts of their lives are restricted because of them.

Basically what I am wondering is are there any positives? I can only see the negatives. The lack of sleeping, the loss of spontaneity, the worry forever, the cost etc etc.

CaraMay

I don't get why you are any random strangers on the internet if there is anything positive about having kids?!?!?

Genuinely maybe you should post under the parenting forum and you will grr lost of positive feedback

Big Bag of Chips

Your life changes when you have kids.. it doesn't end!

By 5 or 6 weeks all my kids started sleeping through the night. Even then for the first few weeks I was only up with them once for half an hour to feed and settle them back, and then I was back to sleep. I had the very very occasional sleepless night with them when they were small due to various childhood illnesses... but I could equally have the occasional sleepless night with my husband due to various adult illnesses!

Of course you cannot just up and go out on a Saturday night without a small bit of planning. Weekends away either have to be planned a few days in advance to get babysitters or the destination might have to be amended to cater for a small one.

I'm not going to sit here and list out all the wonderful things about having kids. The same way as I'm not going to sit here and list out all the wonderful and not so wonderful things about marriage and mortgages and bills and general life! Life in general has good and bad. Having children is no different, although for me the good far far far outweighs the bad. I even feel wrong using the word "bad" to describe it. Nothing about having my children is "bad". Having children can be difficult. It can be worrying. It can be upsetting. But for me it is also the best thing I have ever done. I'm usually a snivvelling (proud) bundle of snot and tears at various school plays/sports days etc.

People like to give out, and like to get attention from others for how great they are/how tough they have it. The same people that go on and on and on on Facebook about "Moms and their sons/daughters... unbreakable love etc etc " are also the same ones that moan on and on about being shattered because Little Johnny has them up since 5:30am etc. Some people just always need something to say.

Maybe having kids isn't for you. But I think your marriage could be in trouble down the line if your husband is adamant that he does really want kids.

bp

I love being a mother with all of my heart but yes there are times when I wish I could just head out to dinner, a walk, drinks etc without forward planning.

Yes it is tiring and restrictive but that smile, that cuddle, that laugh is better than any night out, any lie-in.

They are hard work, they cry, you get covered in snot and vomit but you honestly don't mind!!!

I would not change a thing, but I also get that there are people out there who don't want children. Ignore your friends and think about you and your husband and if you want a bigger family. There are pros and cons to every decision

December2012

Babiesornot wrote: »

OP here.
I feel I may not have explained correctly.

My husband knew before we married that I wasn't sure about having kids and that I lean on the not having side.

We discussed it before and after marrying that it was still possible that I could not want them.

In regards to friends with kids. I didn't mean they constantly complain, I meant they don't talk about how great their life is because of their children but how certain parts of their lives are restricted because of them.

Basically what I am wondering is are there any positives? I can only see the negatives. The lack of sleeping, the loss of spontaneity, the worry forever, the cost etc etc.

Ok, I can see why your friends might not be bragging about their kids. Very often when a couple is married there are lots of "will you be having kids soon" type nods and winks from various sources - your mates might have been trying to not do that to you.

Also, it's a bit insensitive to be talking about how great something is going in your own life when it's something that another friend either (a) wants but does not have, or (b) has not expressed an interest in.

I love my children dearly. I have two and they are a joy. They bring difficulties in ways but in all honesty my life is better for having them.

Yes there is spontaneity and fun. You never know when your son is going to say or do something amazing, or something really touching.

When my kid puts down her milk to tell me she loves me, just, out of the blue, my heart fills.

When I have to carry my daughter around because she's clingy then I do get tired and a little frustrated, but , when I realise that she's clingy because she's teething or a little poorly and she feels better by simply being next to me, then I feel like the most valuable person in her world.

I take fun in family things and simple things. Myself and my husband try to get alone time and date time as well.

For me, having children is wonderful. I may "complain" because

1- it's more socially acceptable than being "smug"
2- you're not interested in my kids
3- you're not interested in the deep love i have for this incredible person
4- sometimes it's hard
5- I think it's like work. You might love your job, but if you come in tired from a hard day, the thing that gets spoken about is how hard you worked, how tired you are, whether the boss notices or will pay more. It's not the joy you feel from doing a good days work, your pride or your confidence or how grateful you are to be given the opportunity.

Children are people and people have positives and negatives. For me, my children bring much more positivity to my life than negatives.

Does that help?

professore

Can't believe no one has listed the biggest negative of having kids - they cost a fortune. This more than anything else is what limits you. The other stuff isn't so bad.

Having said that, kids are great. I was unsure myself about having kids, but wouldn't change it for the world now.

LegacyUser

Some positives
You got to experience a young life growing, watch them take their first step, laugh, make friends, first day at school etc

They bring you laughter, silly stuff they do, how naive they are, their stories

They re - ignite the child in you, like you can go play activity games

They love you, respect you and look up to you.

They are good investment for the future.

They are good companionship when they starting to grow up....

These are just my experience, so basically they are not all doom and gloom.

December2012

It's a matter of perception also.

Eg my kids are upstairs "in bed" (put to bed some time ago).

The two of them are up there chatting to each other sitting on the same bed and making games with their teddies.

I'm up until they fall asleep.

One person might hear that and think I'm complaining and that it's a problem for me.
Another might hear it and thinks it's a delightful joie de vivre.

For me it's just part of my Monday

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Ok, I can see why your friends might not be bragging about their kids. Very often when a couple is married there are lots of "will you be having kids soon" type nods and winks from various sources - your mates might have been trying to not do that to you.

Also, it's a bit insensitive to be talking about how great something is going in your own life when it's something that another friend either (a) wants but does not have, or (b) has not expressed an interest in.

I love my children dearly. I have two and they are a joy. They bring difficulties in ways but in all honesty my life is better for having them.

Yes there is spontaneity and fun. You never know when your son is going to say or do something amazing, or something really touching.

When my kid puts down her milk to tell me she loves me, just, out of the blue, my heart fills.

When I have to carry my daughter around because she's clingy then I do get tired and a little frustrated, but , when I realise that she's clingy because she's teething or a little poorly and she feels better by simply being next to me, then I feel like the most valuable person in her world.

I take fun in family things and simple things. Myself and my husband try to get alone time and date time as well.

For me, having children is wonderful. I may "complain" because

1- it's more socially acceptable than being "smug"
2- you're not interested in my kids
3- you're not interested in the deep love i have for this incredible person
4- sometimes it's hard
5- I think it's like work. You might love your job, but if you come in tired from a hard day, the thing that gets spoken about is how hard you worked, how tired you are, whether the boss notices or will pay more. It's not the joy you feel from doing a good days work, your pride or your confidence or how grateful you are to be given the opportunity.

Children are people and people have positives and negatives. For me, my children bring much more positivity to my life than negatives.

Does that help?

Thank you for this post and thank you everyone for your kind posts and words.

My biggest thing is that I wanted to get to live life before having children.
After so many years concentrating on study or career I think I need time to concentrate on me and my husband and do some things go we want to do before settling down with Children.
We've decided to broach the subject again at a later when we've had the time to enjoy married life and each other.

Thanks again everyone

Big Bag of Chips

So long as you're honest with yourself and him. If you think it is likely that you'll never want children you HAVE to make that clear to him. If you are unsure, you have to make that clear. If you think you probably would love children after a few years of being married then you need to tell him that.

It's all about honest communication. Even if you are afraid or unsure, you need to talk to him so that he can help you decide.

Anything else is just deceptive, and not fair on either of you.

December2012

Babiesornot wrote: »

Thank you for this post and thank you everyone for your kind posts and words.

My biggest thing is that I wanted to get to live life before having children.
After so many years concentrating on study or career I think I need time to concentrate on me and my husband and do some things go we want to do before settling down with Children.
We've decided to broach the subject again at a later when we've had the time to enjoy married life and each other.

Thanks again everyone

Good for you - but please don't think that your life with your husband comes to an end when you've got kids. It can be tiring and difficult but also incredibly bonding. Yknow when I said above that other people don't care about how you feel about your kids? Well the one other person who DOES feel like you or who is interested in how you feel is their other parent. They also find the kids things funny and touching.

bp

Good thinking - have some fun being a couple

And yes kids are expensive but you can get a lot second hand - all they need is love, food and liquid - the rest is less important!

Flippyfloppy

December2012 wrote: »

Good for you - but please don't think that your life with your husband comes to an end when you've got kids. It can be tiring and difficult but also incredibly bonding. Yknow when I said above that other people don't care about how you feel about your kids? Well the one other person who DOES feel like you or who is interested in how you feel is their other parent. They also find the kids things funny and touching.

Honestly, I've done so much before having kids, so much adventure & fun but I can honestly say my life has only begun since starting a family.

meeeeh

Op, I will be a spoil sport. If you need to ask on a forum what are the pluses of having kids, then maybe you shouldn't have them. I don't mean this in a bad way, I just think it is better if you don't need to be persuaded into having kids. Because it is not only about pluses and minuses, it is about wanting something/someone. Having kids is primarily an emotional not rational decision. It can be incredibly rewarding if you want them and a nightmare for you and too often kids if you don't.

Btw in a way I was where you are now. For a long time I thought I don't want kids and then that became maybe. Now I love my kids dearly and are the two little sunshines in my life. I am not trying to be dismissive of people who never change their minds but I also think it is nothing wrong to give yourself time. If you're not ready now you might be ready in a couple of years or maybe never. But be frank with your husband, he deserves to know where you stand.

dizzymiss

Babiesornot wrote: »

OP here.
I feel I may not have explained correctly.

My husband knew before we married that I wasn't sure about having kids and that I lean on the not having side.

We discussed it before and after marrying that it was still possible that I could not want them.

In regards to friends with kids. I didn't mean they constantly complain, I meant they don't talk about how great their life is because of their children but how certain parts of their lives are restricted because of them.

Basically what I am wondering is are there any positives? I can only see the negatives. The lack of sleeping, the loss of spontaneity, the worry forever, the cost etc etc.

You sound just like my best friend. She now only sees the negatives in having children. I say now because, this was a girl that once spoke constantly about being a mother and even had names chosen but for some reason that changed. Maybe your friends dont talk about the pisitives around you because they know how you feel. Ive stopped bringing my daughter or mentioning too much about her when meeting that particular friend as im concious of her negative feelings towards children. Topic for another thread.

Im not one of those people that always knew she'd have children. I wondered whether I'd be cut out for it? Whether I wanted the responsibility? The cost etc? All of the things you mention.

But then I met my husband (cue the sappiness...). It didnt happen overnight believe me but as we grew as couple, got to know each other and make plans for the future, I began to envisaged our lives together and in that picture I saw our children. We are together 8 yrs and married nearly 2yrs with an 11month old and expecting another (mad I know ). For me, our daughter is the best parts of us both. She's intelligent like her father and stubborn like me. She makes me smile and laugh everyday. My heart swells when I think about her. This is something I never imagined. We still do things as a couple. Our marraige comes first. If we arent happy, how would we expect her to be right? She goes to her grandparents one night a week and this is our time together. Me, him and the dog. Mych to the dogs delight.

There's some sleepless nights, although we've been very lucky and there have been very few. Worry, yes but I worry about stuff anyway, might as well throw another person in the mix. Cost, I believe is something you can prepare for.

I will also admit, I don't want to wake up at 75 and be alone, with all my friends either gone or off with their families. I want to have grandchildren and Christmas' with Santa and a house full of joy and happy memories.

It isnt all negatives. Really. It has difficult days, believe me but so to do all aspects of life.

uck51js9zml2yt

I have 2,3 1/2 and 6 months. It's hard work but the rewards are endless.
They are going away for 6 weeks with my wife to see her parents abroad and though I'm looking forward to a nights sleep and no peppa pig but I'll be lost without them.
Had the joy of watching a snail come out of its shell with my son yesterday and getting his take on events
I wouldn't change it for the world.

Lou.m

Babiesornot wrote: »

I got married 6 months ago and I'm not sure if I want kids.
I know my husband wants them more than anything.
You see I'm not getting any younger so maybe 1 in the picture.
The problem I have is, I don't see any positives in having children. You only hear people complain about their lives and it's all down to their kids.
I love my life the way it is and would love to keep it like this. But I fear my husband regretting not having kids and resenting me for it.
It's upsetting.

Why didn't not decide this before you married him?

You say you do not see any positives.


Well here is one. You are creating a living piece of you and your husbands love and this person is a little bit of each of you.

You can have a child join your life not you join theirs.

I don't know if I want kids either but I would sort that out before I got married!

Would you be happy with one? Could he be happy with none?

Don't do it because he wants it though.

You have to be honest though. You should have been from the start.

LegacyUser

Babiesornot wrote: »

OP here.
I feel I may not have explained correctly.

My husband knew before we married that I wasn't sure about having kids and that I lean on the not having side.

We discussed it before and after marrying that it was still possible that I could not want them.

In regards to friends with kids. I didn't mean they constantly complain, I meant they don't talk about how great their life is because of their children but how certain parts of their lives are restricted because of them.

Basically what I am wondering is are there any positives? I can only see the negatives. The lack of sleeping, the loss of spontaneity, the worry forever, the cost etc etc.

Course you hear negatives. People like a moan. But , ask any of your friends. if they could go back in time. Would they not have had the child..

stickybookmark

dizzymiss wrote: »

I will also admit, I don't want to wake up at 75 and be alone, with all my friends either gone or off with their families. I want to have grandchildren and Christmas' with Santa and a house full of joy and happy memories.

For me it's this above all else. Look at your family now, look at your parents and your husband's parents. I'd warrant a guess that their children (and grandchildren) are the centre of their lives and occupy most of their time and thoughts? Now imagine yourself old and not having that. Ok you can have friends and hobbies but they will never fill your life the way having a family will. For me it's never been something I had to think about, it's just the circle of life continuing - as my beloved parents grow old and leave this world, I want to have a new parent-child relationship to replace the relationship I had with them
and a future full of happy family occasions and memories in the making to look forward to.

Big Bag of Chips

I never thought about having children, but I never thought about not having them. I always assumed I would have them! And when the time came to decide whether or not to have them I just knew that if I had kids I would love them. You don't sound like you'd even like them o be honest! And I don't mean that as a dig at you, but when you have very small children you know and accept that there will be times when you are tired, or when you have had a bad night. You accept that for the first few years of your child's life they need you to do everything for them. You accept that you may have another body in the bed with you, or that you may end up sleeping on the edge of a single bed because they want you beside them for a while.. etc..

But, you do it all without complaint because you love this little thing with every inch of your being. You know when they are miserable and sick you would do anything you can to take it away from them. You would prefer to go through the sickness yourself than to let them go through it. You will do whatever you can to make them happy. My social life now consists of things I know my kids would enjoy - we've been to see Bosco 3 times in the last 2 years (!) I sit in playgrounds. I go to the Kids Club in the cinema. I spend my evenings driving to hurling/camogie/dancing/running/drama etc. When I go into town to clothes shop I usually end up coming home with stuff for them and nothing for me.

I am not complaining about any of this - because that's what being a parent is. It's only for a very very short time that they are small and totally dependent on you. It is very difficult to explain to someone how being a parent feels. The above paragraph to someone else, someone with no interest in having children, might sound like their idea of hell. But to most parents it's just what you do! As someone else mentioned - it's just part of the day. You do these things automatically without thinking - and you certainly don't do it looking for praise or recognition from anyone!

The other day we were passing a Spar, and I had 3 little pairs of eyes look at me hopefully - so I told them they could go in and pick something out. My youngest told me he loved me so much because I was so kind. That's all the praise and recognition I need.

Sometimes parenting is naturally "in" someone. Sometimes people don't think they will be any good at it until they're in the middle of it and have no choice. And sometimes people just have no interest whatsoever. You need to figure out where you are!

stickybookmark

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The other day we were passing a Spar, and I had 3 little pairs of eyes look at me hopefully - so I told them they could go in and pick something out. My youngest told me he loved me so much because I was so kind. That's all the praise and recognition I need.

For buying him sweets? This little guy is a pro!! Love it :D

username123

It's ok to not want to have kids. I don't want them. Plenty of people don't. In the past women really had little choice in this regard and even now, in our liberated modern times, women who say they don't want kids are sometimes seen as though there is something wrong with them, in fact on a recent thread on the subject in tLL, a poster actually implied just that. Of course that's nonsense, it's far better to recognise that if you don't want kids, don't have them!

However, you need to be honest and upfront with your husband.

LegacyUser

I think I am seeing a lot of the usual when someone says something like this.
Maybe its just me but I think I am just seeing a lot of "Whats wrong with you?" or "why wouldnt you want children?" in a lot of the responses here. I personally think that the over-riding vote in an issue like this is down to the woman. (I am a man btw) This is something which causes a lot of change and stresses on a womans body and may not be for everyone.

As for the why couldnt have you decided before you married him? question well I would push it back on her husband now. He knew when getting married that there was a chance that his new wife would not want children and still chose to marry her. If this was a problem then coming back after the wedding and telling his new wife how much he wants children / is regretting not having children is very unfair. I got married and this was also a possibility and I am perfectly willing to deal with either scenario.

In my opinion it takes a brave person not to just go with societies norms and have children just because it is what is expected of them now that they are married. The real courage comes from not having children if that is what is right for them and facing the constant questioning from everyone else whose business it is not.

Having a child is a huge decision that will effect every aspect of your life from conception for the woman / birth for the man and really is not something that should be done if both parties are not completely sure it is what they want.

Thats my 2 cents anyway.

LegacyUser

This is going to go against mainstream opinion, but so be it.

I guarantee you there are people who regret having kids.

There I said it. And no they won't say it in public, because this society we live in basically forces you to breed more economic units so that they in turn can become future consumers.

The only thing anyone can offer their offspring anymore is emigration as the older generations have screwed things for them so badly. No future.

So go ahead and reproduce but bear in mind you'll be putting them on the plane to Canada or Austraila as there's nothing here for them thanks to the gfreed and stupidity of generations gone before.

Calhoun

This isn't a blame game but considering that the social norms are to have kids the onus would generally be on the person not wanting them to state their position.

This isn't a teenage conversation where rebelling against the system and not confirming is brave, the brave thing here is to communicate with your partner even if it means they are no longer your partner.

This decision is a deal breaker for many couples and I think the op should be considering divorce rather than resentment. I know if it was me and for some reason I didn't speak to my partner I would probably break it off and look for a divorce, rather than force a situation of resentment on both sides .

meeeeh

Clear Thinker! wrote: »

I think I am seeing a lot of the usual when someone says something like this.
Maybe its just me but I think I am just seeing a lot of "Whats wrong with you?" or "why wouldnt you want children?" in a lot of the responses here. I personally think that the over-riding vote in an issue like this is down to the woman. (I am a man btw) This is something which causes a lot of change and stresses on a womans body and may not be for everyone.

I actually saw very little of "what's wrong with you for not having kids" in this thread but a lot of us thought after reading only the opening post (the issue was clarified later) that OP never discussed this with her husband before getting married. And that would be extremely irresponsible. And the next question OP posted was what are the positives and she got a lot of answers on that subject.

Yes overriding vote on the issue like this is womans, as far as I know men are not able to give birth yet so they simply can't have overriding vote. However both partners have equal say weather they want to stay in a relationship. And a quick look through RI would tell you that question of children is one of the main stresses on the relationship. It is a bit easier for men because they have more time to decide what to do but there is no denial that it can be heartbreaking decision.

Personally I don't give a damn if people have children neither do I think there is anything wrong with not wanting them. and I think you can have a full or miserable life in both instances. However I think that common decency dictates that you are open with your partner about what you want. (Not implying that OP wasn't but in their case it is probably an ongoing discussion they should be having).

Big Bag of Chips

stickybookmark wrote: »

For buying him sweets? This little guy is a pro!! Love it :D

Oh.. nothing small time for this lad... He went straight for a Yorkie