A pretty damn uncomfortable position

Mynewstoday

So, after some research online, I cam across this website.

The questions are from the website, the answers are mine...

Does she stop speaking to you when she's displeased? No

Ignore you? No

Withdraw affection in order to punish you? No

Does she tell you you're wrong if you don't agree with her? No

Argue against your every thought? Yes

Tell you your feelings are wrong? No

Tell you that you don't know what you're talking about? No

Does she forbid you from having your own opinions? No

Does she make fun of you? Yes

Ridicule you regarding subjects about which you are particularly sensitive? Yes

Does she seem to enjoy it? Yes

Does she accuse you of not being able to take a joke? No

Does she use sarcasm to put you down? Yes

Does she change the subject when you try to bring something up? Yes

Divert serious discussions by accusing you of various things? Yes

Does she blame you for everything that goes wrong? No

Accuse you of hurting her when you tell her your feelings? No

Does she accuse you of having affairs? Yes

Is she jealous? Yes

Does she belittle what you say? Yes

Dismiss your feelings or accomplishments? Yes

Insult you when you express pride in your own abilities? Yes

Does she act as if your work is no big deal? Yes

Does she squelch your enthusiasm with insensitive comments such as, "You wouldn't understand", or "You'll never make it"? No

Does she sabotage your ideas by pointing out all the ways in which they might fail? No

Interrupt you when you need time alone? Yes

Does she threaten you, overtly or covertly? Yes

Threaten you with violence? No

Threaten you with emotional pain? Yes

Does she threaten you with knives, guns or some other weapon? No

Does she use vulgarities to insult you? Yes Call you cruel names? No

Use terms of endearment with intense sarcasm? Yes

Does she make a promise and then "forget" to keep it? Yes

Does she pretend not to remember certain incidents or discussions? Yes

Pretend not to remember prior agreements? Yes

Does she order you to do something instead of asking? Yes

Demand things? No

Does she find fault with everything you do? Yes

Does she tell you that you "ought to" or "should" do things a certain way? Yes

Does she deny that certain things happened? Yes

Does she tell you that she didn't say something or that you never saw something occur? Yes

Does she erupt into a rage when she's angry? Yes

Does she scream, yell, or shout? Yes

Hurl obscenities? Yes

Does her body language become more aggressive? Yes

Does she stomp, strut, hit things, or hit you? Yes

Become red in the face? No

Throw things? Yes

Does she physically get in your way, or follow you from room to room? Yes

Snap at you? Yes

Is she usually irritable? Yes

Does all of this usually take place in private, when you are alone? Yes

Does she blame you for her anger? No

35 yes' out of 53...So...all in all, it seems I am in a pretty damn uncomfortable position and can't get out of it because of her subtle threats of suicide, and because I feel so sorry for the girl.

Can anyone offer me some helpful and much needed words?

J

Mynewstoday

I just read that one of the symptoms of long term emotional abuse is "Extreme dependence on the abuser"

My god, that says it all...!

Kidchameleon

If she hits you, then dump her straight away

Mynewstoday

Kidchamelon. You are right. I hadn't thought of that

Wilberto

In other words it's just the classic emotional blackmail. If you don't want to be in the relationship, you have to end it. Yes, it is going to be incredibly hard to do because of her "subtle threats of suicide", but if she's really in that much trouble the best thing she can do is go and talk to a psych.

It's doing neither of you any good in the long run by prolonging and unsustainable relationship.

That's just my thought anyway!

Mynewstoday

The thing is Wilberto, it's got to the stage that I don't feel I can leave her. For numerous reasons. I guess it's as a result of everything that's happened between us.

josealdo

Mynewstoday wrote: »

The thing is Wilberto, it's got to the stage that I don't feel I can leave her. For numerous reasons. I guess it's as a result of everything that's happened between us.

kids together ?

Mynewstoday

No. No kids together. Thankfully

B_Rabbit

Mynewstoday wrote: »

No. No kids together. Thankfully

I'd leave her. The only reason to be in a relationship with someone is if you make each other happy.

LegacyUser

J,
I don't think you need a quiz to tell you to exit stage left. You don't give much detail but no matter what the circumstances (children, married, living together) I can't see how you can stay in this relationship. I don't know what your state of mind is but no one deserves that many yes answers. If you're worried about her reaction post break up, is there a member of her family or a friend you could talk to? Best of luck, I know this is cheesy line but you really only do get one shot and you should make it count. Never settle for what you've described, from anyone!

Mynewstoday

I don't feel like I can Rbbit. She has no friends, no family, not enough money to cope on her own. If I did leave her, it would ruin her. But staying with her is ruining me

Typer Monkey

So do you plan to stay with her for the rest of your life out of fear and pity? That's no way to live. Do you not aspire to more, to be happy?

December2012

Who do you like more - you or her?

Wilberto

Mynewstoday wrote: »

The thing is Wilberto, it's got to the stage that I don't feel I can leave her. For numerous reasons. I guess it's as a result of everything that's happened between us.

I'm guessing you've been together for a quite a while so?


There's nothing else left so only to sit down and have a good solid heart to heart with her. Even mention that you're not happy but you still want to be with her (if you do), as long as a few things change. Then you can tell her what you're not happy about, especially including her subtle threats of suicide, and try and delve deeper into these. I'm assuming they're not completely empty threats.

In truth, in the long run you'd easily be better off moving on in separate directions. I mean, sympathy alone is no basis for a solid, healthy relationship. Good, strong, and effective communication is however.

Taltos

Mynewstoday wrote: »

She has no friends,
no family,
not enough money to cope on her own.
If I did leave her, it would ruin her. But staying with her is ruining me

None of which is your responsibility to be blunt. We are each responsible for ourselves only - and our children. Outside of that it seems like you are cooking up excuses not to leave. I get you are scared but every single day you stay with this leach is another day where you miss an opportunity to meet someone you can be really happy with for the rest of your life.

As it stands nothing you have posted gives any kind of good reason to stay and be miserable until you are so worn down you don't even notice how blue the sky is or how nice the flowers smell.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you like her? You don't mention whether you do or not. Do you love her? Much as you think she would fall apart without you, she wouldn't. She would either cop herself on or she would find another fella to take her in.

Why did you do that quiz? What prompted you, and what did you think you'd find out from it?

Mynewstoday

Good questions chips.

I don't like her. I don't think I love her anymore either. (Sorry, but I am a bit of a mess these days)

I don't know why I did the quiz. I knew I was in an abusive relationship and it didn't really help matters. I guess it was just to have it confirmed, but don't know what to do with it

maguic24

Mynewstoday wrote: »

Good questions chips.

I don't like her. I don't think I love her anymore either. (Sorry, but I am a bit of a mess these days)

Then leave her. It's unfair on both of you. You might see things a bit clearer when your single.

Lou.m

Mynewstoday wrote: »

So, after some research online, I cam across this website.

Argue against your every thought? Yes





Does she make fun of you? Yes

Ridicule you regarding subjects about which you are particularly sensitive? Yes

Does she seem to enjoy it? Yes



Does she use sarcasm to put you down? Yes

Does she change the subject when you try to bring something up? Yes

Divert serious discussions by accusing you of various things? Yes


Does she accuse you of having affairs? Yes

Is she jealous? Yes

Does she belittle what you say? Yes

Dismiss your feelings or accomplishments? Yes

Insult you when you express pride in your own abilities? Yes

Does she act as if your work is no big deal? Yes


Interrupt you when you need time alone? Yes

Does she threaten you, overtly or covertly? Yes



Threaten you with emotional pain? Yes




Use terms of endearment with intense sarcasm? Yes

Does she make a promise and then "forget" to keep it? Yes

Does she pretend not to remember certain incidents or discussions? Yes

Pretend not to remember prior agreements? Yes

Does she order you to do something instead of asking? Yes



Does she find fault with everything you do? Yes

Does she tell you that you "ought to" or "should" do things a certain way? Yes

Does she deny that certain things happened? Yes

Does she tell you that she didn't say something or that you never saw something occur? Yes

Does she erupt into a rage when she's angry? Yes

Does she scream, yell, or shout? Yes

Hurl obscenities? Yes

Does her body language become more aggressive? Yes

Does she stomp, strut, hit things, or hit you? Yes



Throw things? Yes

Does she physically get in your way, or follow you from room to room? Yes

Snap at you? Yes

Is she usually irritable? Yes

Does all of this usually take place in private, when you are alone? Yes



35 yes' out of 53...So...all in all, it seems I am in a pretty damn uncomfortable position and can't get out of it because of her subtle threats of suicide, and because I feel so sorry for the girl.

Can anyone offer me some helpful and much needed words?

J

I have deleted the no's. I felt it was easier to comprehend and read.

OP i want you read this with just the yes answers.

And of course the ultimate last resort and threat of suicide. That is so manipulative.

You are being abused.

I want you to know if she hits you or throws objects at you this is going to escalate and you need to be safe.

You can't help her. You can't stop her from killing herself. She needs so much control that no amount will satisfy her.

It does not sound like she wants to be in a healthy relationship.

You deserve better and she is breaking you down.

You are not safe, emotionally or physically.

Do you want to be in this position in ten years?

Giver her the number of a Councillor and I would say end it if you don't love her.


It is time to free yourself from an abusive partner. I have been there I have been with a violent partner they are incredibly manipulative.

Do you have a history of trying to 'help' people who are abusers in reality?

They pretend to be victims when usually the spend their lives hurting people.

You need to find out why you got with her and make sure you only find healthy relationships from here on in.

Good luck OP :-)

HUGS.

Taltos

First step you've made by posting here, now if you still don't feel strong enough to break away try reaching out to a support group - either your family / GP / www.amen.ie

After having your confidence whittled down slowly over time it is probably perfectly normal to now find yourself in a position of not knowing how to end it or how to be on your own. So pick up the phone and call someone but really you and I both know the next step is for you mentally to decide that it is over and you are leaving. That's where the support groups come into play - helping you in your decision but also giving you advice to ensure you are safe, the last thing you want or need is this person going just crazy and either hurting you or themselves and somehow blaming you in the process.

Big Bag of Chips

How long do you think you can/should stay in the relationship?

Life is pretty long. So do you stay with her for the next 50 years? Or do you decide that you deserve a bit of happiness?

Unfortunately, I've known a few people who committed suicide. Not one of them ever told anyone that they would kill themselves. In my experience, people who threaten to kill themselves if you don't do x, y or z, are liars. As well as manipulators. It is the cruelest thing you can ever say to a person. And what makes it all the worse is the fact that the person who says it knows they have no intention of going through with it. It is just a threat to make sure they can control a situation and get what they want.

That is not what a relationship is about. If she truly loved you she would not be out to deliberately upset you and force you to do what she wants. Every relationship in the world has periods of trouble. Every relationship in the world goes through tough time. But the mature, adult way to deal with it is to sit down as a couple. Figure out what you both need from the relationship, and compromise and work together to make sure both people in the relationship are happy.

It can never work out longterm if one person is happy at the other person's expense.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this. OP, I could have written your post about a past relationship I was in, except with the genders reversed. He was nice as pie in public but his depression "made him" treat me like an emotional punching bag anytime we were alone. I didn't want to leave him either, we had gone through a lot and I really thought he would do something to himself. I wasted years, lost friends and was very depressed myself trying to help him. When he finally pushed me to the limit and I walked, do you know what happened? He was in therapy within 6 months. And as a final smack in the teeth, he told me I was right to leave as I'd been too much of a crutch for him.

Leave. Seriously. Your gf might do something or she might not. You are only putting off the inevitable because you won't be able to sustain this relationship forever. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Her happiness is not your responsibility, she needs to fix her own issues. If you stay what will probably happen is that this behaviour will break you down eventually and you will get to the point where you will hate her for it and will not care anymore.

josealdo

Mynewstoday wrote: »

No. No kids together. Thankfully

dude . get the fcuk off now or you will regret it later . things wont get better . you either have IT or you dont .

if there is no laughing in the relationship get out . plenty more fish in the sea in plenty of fish .

LegacyUser

I've also been in something similar with the genders reversed.

He threatened suicide but I just got so smothered by all of it I had to leave and pray to god he was calling my bluff.

A few days in I received some disturbing text messages about how people were going to find him and know this was all my fault. I was in work and could do nothing, I called him , no answer, called his friends and got them to call him, no answer, in end wound up emailing his ex (mother of his children, we were not friends but I was desperate)

So, i left work, got my friend who is a garda to accompany to our old house, I still had a key, she went in because I was a mess - and, low and behold, he had locked himself in his bedroom and was claiming he fell asleep. This was 60 text messages, 45 missed calls later.

When I got home I got a response from his ex, her response was "He has threatened suicide so many times by now I just wish he would get it over with"

It was a horrible experience but I never had to speak to him again so it was a good thing really. He moved on a few months later, I was so messed up by the situation i needed much longer than that and even now I'm still very scared meeting new people.

Just get out of it, it's harming you emotionally, draining you, it's a terrible place to be and your mental health is just a valuable as the stuff she will lose if you leave her. The girl has no friends for a reason, the same reason you should leave

josealdo

The girl has no friends for a reason, the same reason you should leave

true words .

you can always stay friends.

ps . ive noticed " lets stay friends is code for i never want to speak to you again " LOL

josealdo

The girl has no friends for a reason, the same reason you should leave

true words .

you can always stay friends.

ps . ive noticed " lets stay friends is code for i never want to speak to you again " LOL

LegacyUser

hi yeah

Try a website called Amen, it is for men who are in a abusive realtionships most relationship like this are emotional, more abuse violence, what does your head tell you it is usually right, they are very good, also delete your browser history I think it is ctrl+****up+ h depends on your browser, best of luck not often on this