Court order to see child, child wont go with Dad

mozattack

Hi,

I have a 9 year old boy who I see every Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and to who I pay maintenance.

I got a court order for access a few years ago and since then his mother has toed the line.

In the last year the child decides now and again not to come with me, more recently this week meaning I haven't seen him (apart from when I cal to unsuccessfully collect him) in a week.

His mother has drink problems meaning he stays with his grandparents. They are nice but out of touch, I have the child in cubs, swimming and karate lessons while they do nothing with him apart from letting him slouch around the place on the computer.

I have been saying that the child should not have it easy at home when he decides not to come with me, eg he should be grounded etc. Yesterday I rang to get him to go to Fota Wildlife Park and again he wouldn't come and when I rang back to talk to him I dins his grandfather has brought him to the beach!

They are enabling this behaviour.

There is no clear reason why he won't come with me and now with the family holiday in around a months time coming I am worrying that he will not come too.

I have two children since so he younger brothers miss him too.

What can I do?

Little CuChulainn

From reading your post it's fairly clear why he doesn't want to go with you. You make him do what you think he should do, they let him do what he likes to do. A kid will always choose the latter.

I'm not exactly sure what kind of legal remedy you are looking for but you might be better off visiting the parenting forum. Otherwise see a solicitor with regard to getting full custody or a formal agreement for him to attend certain classes.

Pat Mustard

mozattack wrote: »

I got a court order for access a few years ago and since then his mother has toed the line.

What can I do?

You could read through the court order. If you think that its terms are being breached, you could see a solicitor about running the matter back into court.

Lambofdave

mozattack wrote: »

Hi,

I have a 9 year old boy who I see every Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and to who I pay maintenance.

I got a court order for access a few years ago and since then his mother has toed the line.

In the last year the child decides now and again not to come with me, more recently this week meaning I haven't seen him (apart from when I cal to unsuccessfully collect him) in a week.

His mother has drink problems meaning he stays with his grandparents. They are nice but out of touch, I have the child in cubs, swimming and karate lessons while they do nothing with him apart from letting him slouch around the place on the computer.

I have been saying that the child should not have it easy at home when he decides not to come with me, eg he should be grounded etc. Yesterday I rang to get him to go to Fota Wildlife Park and again he wouldn't come and when I rang back to talk to him I dins his grandfather has brought him to the beach!

They are enabling this behaviour.

There is no clear reason why he won't come with me and now with the family holiday in around a months time coming I am worrying that he will not come too.

I have two children since so he younger brothers miss him too.

What can I do?

Have you asked your son what he wants? Or have you just decided what he needs? Plus how much time one on one does he spend with you if you have him in so many clubs? What age are his grand parents? Its a bit cheeky to call them out of touch they are a different generation and due to "his mothers issues" have become a part parent of 9 year old which they had not planned too.
If I'm honest you seem a bit domineering.

Instead of asking for other adults advice talk to your son and stop over compensating

Colser

His grandparents are perfectly entitled to take them where they wish without consulting with you .Fair play to them for being such a big part of their grandsons life when they should be at a stage in their lives when child rearing is behind them.Very disrespectful to call them "Out of touch".Im sure if their daughter has drink problems that they have enough on their plates with listening to you on the phone complaining because they took your son to the beach.

Discuss the situation with your ex or speak to your solicitor if you feel it will help but bottom line is that it will be difficult to make your son to go with you if he doesnt want to and also you wont want to upset him by doing so. Could you maybe relax with all the activities and just let him chill out when he is with you?Maybe just play soccer or something with him? Also this could be just a phase and he may be happy to go with you again soon.

Pro Hoc Vice

Colser wrote: »

His grandparents are perfectly entitled to take them where they wish without consulting with you .Fair play to them for being such a big part of their grandsons life when they should be at a stage in their lives when child rearing is behind them.Very disrespectful to call them "Out of touch".Im sure if their daughter has drink problems that they have enough on their plates with listening to you on the phone complaining because they took your son to the beach.

Discuss the situation with your ex or speak to your solicitor if you feel it will help but bottom line is that it will be difficult to make your son to go with you if he doesnt want to and also you wont want to upset him by doing so. Could you maybe relax with all the activities and just let him chill out when he is with you?Maybe just play soccer or something with him? Also this could be just a phase and he may be happy to go with you again soon.

But the Grand parents may not be entitled to take the child to any place if that breaches a court order. A fater is fully within his rights to complain if any person is found to be interfering with his court ordered access.

Also children often pick up on conflict between the person with custody and the person with access. Often children refuse to go on access because they believe it may hurt the person who has custody.

To the OP this needs to be sorted quickly but with tact and the help of professionals. Maybe ask the grandparents can ye all do things as a family take your child and grandparents out together for some of the access or have everyone around for dinner or pizza and a movie night.

It can become an issue with children as the parent with access often over compensates aswell as having access away from the familiar. Ask the Grand Parents if its ok on some of the days just to drop over to their house and do normal family things around the house help with house keeping, doing homework. What ever your view of the GP or their view of you ye are all connected to this child and its all your jobs to make this situation as normal for him, as possible.

RollYerOwn

Just wondering if maybe an enforced access doesn't lead to this problem more often? Surely a child should want to spend time with a parent than be under order to spend time with a parent. Maybe four days a week is more than the child wants? Not meaning to offend..

Pro Hoc Vice

RollYerOwn wrote: »

Just wondering if maybe an enforced access doesn't lead to this problem more often? Surely a child should want to spend time with a parent than be under order to spend time with a parent. Maybe four days a week is more than the child wants? Not meaning to offend..

While I understand that view, let's turn it upside down, say a child thought 5 days a week in school was too much, say a child, parents who are together, the child did not like to spend time with them, say a child did not want to spend nights at home but preferred to live in the woods.

I accept its a tricky area, but in most areas children can not dictate to adult guardians.

But you point out the big issue with these custody arrangements, with a child and parent bring forced to interact in a very artificial way, hence why in such cases professionals need to be involved to try and make this work for all concerned.

_Whimsical_

I think you probably need to think very carefully before forcing this issue with your child's grandparents or your child. I don't think children gravitate only towards whats easy and what's fun,they very often gravitate towards where they feel a sense of security,particularly children who've experienced loss or trauma. Your child has a very insecure home life by the sounds of things, he's dealing with an absent alcoholic mother,a semi absent father who in his eyes doesn't seem to understand or care what he likes to do and grand parents who by the sounds of things he might look to as his primary security. He has an awful lot going on. If he doesn't like clubs and activities maybe start trying to meet him on his terms a little,let him do as he likes when he comes to your house.Ask him what he wants to do and try and join him in whatever that is. You have a huge chance here to build a very solid relationship with a little boy who badly needs a loving parent but you need to work on building the foundations for that by earning his trust.It won't be easy as it sounds like he's been badly let down by his mum. In those situations you need to have different expectations of a child and you need to let it happen slowly. Also while in theory activities are great for kids it really doesn't suit all of them,sometimes it's a huge stress on a child at age 9 where as if they try again at 12 they might love it.

You need to be thinking about what's best and least traumatic for your child more than your legal rights. Maybe consult a psychologist to see if they could suggest ways you might learn to better relate to him to encourage him to want to come with you.