Am I Being Selfish?

redappple

I like to think that I'm a great partner. My oh is heading off next month on a 6 week long trip of Asia with his best friends who are all single. He had done this before as well in previous years. He never asks me if he can as firstly he is an adult who does not need my permission and secondly I would have no problem as I want him to have fun. Of course I will miss him terribly but it will be a wonderful experience as were the previous. However. I would like to spend as much time together before these trips as possible. He on the other hand is always keen to go and spend time with his family instead. Normally he spends the week before he leaves visiting his family 4 hours away. I don't ever say anything but feel quite upset by this as I miss him and it means he will be now gone for 7 weeks really instead of 6. The last time he had one of these trips he spent the week with his family and ended up missing a very very important work event which was held for me. The same event is on next week and he is coming back from family especially to be at this. Keep in mind that I have been with my employers for 4 years and this annual event is held every year. This is the first one he will attend and I am leaving the company so it's my farewell party also.

Being a bank holiday I decided to organise a special treat for us on Monday for a couples spa treatment in a very expensive hotel. As it's a Monday I am getting a reduced rate. However when I arrived home he said that's not possible because he is going home to family on Monday so he can make it back up for my work farewell on Friday. He said he can either do the spa or the farewell but not both. I tried to switch the spa to the Sunday but it's ridiculously expensive. Now I feel very annoyed because I feel like it's not a chore to have to spend time at the spa or attend my farewell party, but I can only have one or the other from him. He seems to think I always make him choose between his family and me.

Am I being selfish and expecting too much?

woodchuck

It does seem a bit strange that he can't go for the spa treatment with you on the Monday and then go home later in the day. But at the same time, it sounds like you went ahead and booked this without checking if the timing suited him first? And you could always bring a friend or family member instead... I don't think most guys are really into spa treatments anyway. And Friday is the more important event, and he plans to be there for that. And that will mean that you will still see him before he goes away. Personally I wouldn't push the issue. He obviously wants to spend some time with his family and in a sense you are making him choose between you and them. But the impression I'm getting from your post is that he doesn't get to see them that much because they are 4 hours away? He probably spends a lot more time with you rather than them normally, so let him have the few days with them and then spend the day (or whatever length of time) with you before he goes away.

Czarcasm

OP I'm not normally given to snap judgments, but I'm genuinely baffled by your boyfriends attitude! He's off with his mates for the next six weeks, and he's making you feel guilty for... He's making you choose between a hotel break or going with you to your leaving party?

You said he seems to think you always make him choose between his family and you? This must have come up previously then unrelated to his trip abroad?

Honestly I don't think you're being selfish at all, I think your boyfriend doesn't realize how lucky he is tbh. How is your relationship generally?

I'm sorry for all the questions but you haven't given an awful lot of background to a six year relationship in your OP and I can't help but think there's an awful lot you're leaving out, especially when you started off your post mentioning that all the lads he goes away with are single, and then saying he seems to think you make him choose between you and his family...

It's all very vague, and on the face of it your boyfriend sounds like a selfish ass, but you're with him six years, so he can't be all bad surely?

Bluefox21

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I'm not normally given to snap judgments, but I'm genuinely baffled by your boyfriends attitude! He's off with his mates for the next six weeks, and he's making you feel guilty for... He's making you choose between a hotel break or going with you to your leaving party?

You said he seems to think you always make him choose between his family and you? This must have come up previously then unrelated to his trip abroad?

Honestly I don't think you're being selfish at all, I think your boyfriend doesn't realize how lucky he is tbh. How is your relationship generally?

I'm sorry for all the questions but you haven't given an awful lot of background to a six year relationship in your OP and I can't help but think there's an awful lot you're leaving out, especially when you started off your post mentioning that all the lads he goes away with are single, and then saying he seems to think you make him choose between you and his family...

It's all very vague, and on the face of it your boyfriend sounds like a selfish ass, but you're with him six years, so he can't be all bad surely?

I think you will get a lot of people jumping to rash conclusions like the above.

Agree with the first reply. If he doesn't get to see his family often and is making an effort to come back for work event I think he is being quite reasonable.

Very important to allow each other time with both friends and family too.

Czarcasm

Bluefox21 wrote: »

I think you will get a lot of people jumping to rash conclusions like the above.

Agree with the first reply. If he doesn't get to see his family often and is making an effort to come back for work event I think he is being quite reasonable.

Very important to allow each other time with both friends and family too.

I don't think it's fair to say I made any rash judgments Bluefox. The OP doesn't mention how often her boyfriend gets to spend time with his family and friends, it could be a little, it could be a lot, but for him to be making the OP choose between either he goes with her to a spa treatment, or he goes to her work do, before he goes off to Asia for six weeks? Even if he were going on his own to a Buddhist temple, I'd be thinking he would at least want to keep his OH happy before he goes.

The OP mentions that her boyfriend makes her feel like he always feels he has to choose between her and her family. That sounds to me like there's more to this than just this trip away with his mates. That's why I asked what is the relationship between them normally like, because there's no indication whether they're even living together or what ages they are.

Bluefox21

Czarcasm wrote: »

I don't think it's fair to say I made any rash judgments Bluefox. The OP doesn't mention how often her boyfriend gets to spend time with his family and friends, it could be a little, it could be a lot, but for him to be making the OP choose between either he goes with her to a spa treatment, or he goes to her work do, before he goes off to Asia for six weeks? Even if he were going on his own to a Buddhist temple, I'd be thinking he would at least want to keep his OH happy before he goes.

The OP mentions that her boyfriend makes her feel like he always feels he has to choose between her and her family. That sounds to me like there's more to this than just this trip away with his mates. That's why I asked what is the relationship between them normally like, because there's no indication whether they're even living together or what ages they are.

Apologies, this issue strikes quite close to the bone with me and I overreacted!

It's a tough one I agree without knowing more details. For me personally, I was in almost the exact situation (except replace Thailand with Euro 2012).

R.D. aka MR.D

Is his 'family' a child from a previous relationship? Or an ill parent?

Otherwise, i don't understand why he feels the need to spend so much time with them.

LegacyUser

Am I being selfish and expecting too much?[/QUOTE]

Personally I think there's alot of different issues going on in your post. I think both of you are at fault tbh

1) neediness.
Not to sound too harsh OP but you do come across as a little needy. I know its different strokes and all that but if my own oh was going away for what was only a month and a half, honestly, while I'd miss him, I wouldn't be absolutely dying to meet him every free second before he left. Its not like he's heading away for a year or something, its just a month and a half! I have my own life outside of my oh so that time would fly by.

Do you have your own interests outside of the relationship? Is your desire to spend 'as much time as possible with him' magnified by the fact that you don't have any activities of your own to occupy yourself while he's gone? Surely you have friends to meet up with etc if you do feel a little lonely without him?

Perhaps there is some truth in his queation....Are you always making him chose you over his family? Does he feel that he has to be your 'social outlet' all the time?

2) Does he take you for granted in the relationship?

This is the second time he's missed the work event. Is it just a case that this event always happens at the same time as his traditional holiday, and its just a case of unfortnate timing or does him letting you down and not being there for you extend to other areas in your relationship?

IMHO I don't think its fair to make him feel bad over not going to the spa day, you booked it without asking him, knowing he was going away and that he usually visits his family the week before on the day you booked it. In saying that if he regularly misses events that are important to you outside of this that's another matter, and should be adressed but seperate to the him going away issue.

3) His family. Again spending a week with with his family when he's only going away for a month of so seems a little excessive to me. But then I suppose it is an 8 hour trip there and back. A lot of his depends on how often he sees his family. Is it a case of him just being very close to his family and not getting to see them that often and him using the holiday as a nice opportunity to take an extra week off and go see them?or is it a case of him being a bit too much of a mammies boy for you.

Again his comment bout having to chose you or his family, makes me question do you get along with his family? Do you ever go to visit them with your oh?

Why does he feel he has to chose, if he wants to visit them is it a case that you're open to driving down with him now and again, or are you making him feel guilty for going instead of spending the time with you? Of course if he's visiting his family every second week and expecting you to be okay with it then that's another matter entirely.

I think there's a whole lot of other issues at play here OP and its hard to tell who's being unreasonable without knowing the above, it could be the holiday is just a culmination of a lot of the above separate issues coming to a head which is causing a lot of friction for you both. Issues that need to be dealth with seperately outside of his holiday.

dixiefly

How has he so much time off? Is he a teacher?

It looks like he has available time to take off, the money to spend and he feels like he can get away for his me time with friends etc. if ye are in a serious relationship then, yes, I think that you are right to be a little concerned. Someone mentioned that ye were together for 6 years, I couldn't see that in the OP.

On the other hand, having been in several organisations both public and private, in my experience it is rare that spouses / partners are expected to go to work party's, of course this one is different for you at you are leaving. I have left several jobs and my wife never attends any function.

In summary, I feel that he could reasonably justify not attending the work do. Not sure about the spa break, it could depend on the notice you gave him. However, the frequency of his trips abroad are a bit much. If his family are in business, farming etc he might feel an obligation to go there to help out etc. at the same time he is further reducing his time with you and by spending his precious remaining free time with them might mean that he doesn't really see you as "the one". It doesn't sound like ye are living together and your measure of the seriousness of the relationship could well be different to his.

December2012

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Is his 'family' a child from a previous relationship? Or an ill parent?

Otherwise, i don't understand why he feels the need to spend so much time with them.

Ah that's not the only reason a person would want to spend time with their family.

OP - how often does he see his family the rest of the year?

And you say you're happy for him to go away but I think your post suggests that you're really not.

OkayWhatever

The summer before last,my boyfriend of 4 years went to Chicago for 3 months and this summer he has gone to London on a one way flight and neither of us know when he will be coming back, so I know what it's like to be in a situation similar to yours.I went away for 2 weeks before my boyfriend went away, so we spend 14 weeks apart altogether.

Do you live with your partner? I don't think it's right of you to expect him to spend the time leading up to his trip with you over his family. You shouldn't have a problem with him choosing to see his family over you.If his family live 4 hours away, he must rarely see them which would mean that you would see him a lot more than them. (What woodchuck basically said). If he wants to spend a week with them, I don't think you should even consider passing comment on it. You need to not hold a grudge about him not being at any past events and be grateful that he is coming home from family visit to attend this one. It sounds like you do make him choose between you and family, because you're upset about him spending one week with them. I honestly don't see how this is even an issue.

And regarding the spa treatments you obviously didn't ask him which time suited him etc, because if you did then he would have informed you that the day doesn't really suit him and would have saved you the expense. It doesn't seem to be a chore, it just seems like it didn't suit him. He could have had plans with family for that day as he was heading home or whatever.


I completely sympathize with you, because I never knew how much I could miss somebody until my boyfriend and I were apart for 14 weeks.But,you need to let your partner make his own decisions about who he wants to spend his time with and not question them. I'm sure he'd appreciate your support.

LegacyUser

I would think that after six years together, you would be thought of as his family too.

Personally my OH's family live in Britain. He goes over every two to three months to see them. Sometimes I join him (depending on why he's going over and the cost), and we've been together for about a year and a half. I want to get to know them better because one day we may be family. My family know him very well at this stage and I hope that they'll think of him as family one day, and visa versa. I know that my young cousins (6 and 9) already do. They love him.

Do you get along with your OH's family? Is there a reason for why he feels the need to spend so much time with them before he goes away? If he doesn't see them that often, I know that four hours is a bit of a long drive, but surely you and your OH could pop down on the weekend to see them once a month or something, right? Also, how is he with your family (just out of curiosity)?

Starokan

you are not being the slightest bit selfish, have a chat with him and let him know how you feel, he will surely understand