Advice needed

LegacyUser

My mother passed away two months ago, it was one of the worst moments in my life and I still trying to process it all. What's making all this worse is my brothers OH has made things a nightmare since the night of the funeral. Her sister and friends arrived late that night to the funeral, after nine at night, and told his girlfriend I made a comment about her being there for the free booze. TBH I can't be sure I'm 99% sure I didn't.

The girlfriend then came up to me and started having a go 'how dare you insult my family...' Etc. I lost it, I'd not slept or ate properly in days and had drink on me, I said what a selfish bitch she was for attacking me on the day it was, and things just got uglier after that. I'm ashamed of my reaction because it upset a few people. I've apologised to everyone but the girlfriend, I shouldn't of reacted that way, I shouldn't have been drinking, if I hadn't I'd have walked away

She won't drop it, and my brother has since told me I'm dead to him in a very nasty message, they've forced my sister to take sides too, and she's now not talking to them either. She rang once, but I had to hang up , I'd agreed we should be civil, but she decided to start going on about how appalling my supposed flippant comment was so I hung up. Since then they've tried to ring twice, the first time they tried to hide it was them, (number on, then changed to private, then changed back) and the second my phone dropped the call.

The problem is they just got engaged and I'm being hassled to attend the engagement party, they've said a lot of nasty things about me to my family and after the way I've been treated, I don't want anything to do with either of them. I think they're ashamed for their friends and her family to find out, I don't care but I just don't want to stress my family out any more. But they're trying to make other people make me go.

I don't think even being the bigger person and forgiving her will work, she's extremely manipulative and the past year my sister had been ringing my weekly upset about how the girlfriend treated her.

I've lost a mother and now a brother I think, the party's this weekend, am I right not to attend?

I should add, I'm going to start councilling soon but I need some advice for my immediate situation

Tokyo

OP,

there's a time and a place for arguments, and someone's parent's funeral is definitely not one of them. Regardless of what was said or misunderstood to have been said, your brother's girlfriend was well out of line to have a go at you publicly like that on the night of your mother's funeral, and you were well within your rights in calling her out as being a selfish bitch for doing what she did.

I'd be curious to know why your brother would relay such a thing to his OH at the funeral, and the fact that he is saying that you are now dead to him would point towards far bigger issues at play here. Either way, considering all that's been said recently, I think that the engagement party could be a disaster waiting to happen should you go - drink will be involved, words will probably get said and God knows what might happen. Best case scenario it will be extremely uncomfortable, both for you and for them. I hope that you do get to settle your differences with your brother - I just don't think that the engagement party is the place to do it.

CaraMay

Don't stress yourself by going. She sounds toxic and you don't need people like that in your life.

Merkin

It would be foolish and superficial to go to the party when there is clearly quite a significant chasm between you and your brother. I'd only go if this issue had been truly resolved which will take some time and large portions of humble pie. This girlfriend of his sounds like a nightmare but your brother also sounds like a troublemaker. Avoid them and their pubic displays of affection until such time as you've all sat down like adults and sorted this out.

I'm also very sorry for the loss of your Mum. It all must still be very raw for you xx

strobe

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. Must be a really tough time. But I'm going to speak plainly. You started this. You fired the first shot. She should have been the bigger person and let it go given the circumstances, but its an extremely insulting thing to say about someone. You then compounded the situation by apologising to everybody except the person you originally insulted, which could be taken by a lot of people as a further slight and adding insult to injury.

I think you should apologise to her. Let her know you clearly weren't thinking straight as your mother had recently died and you had been drinking and were exhausted and upset and angry and unfairly made her the outlet for your upset and anger and made a very unfair and hurtful comment about her that you wish you could take back. Then contact everyone else and try to arrange to get everyone in the same room together somewhere and clear the air, suggest you all try and put things behind you and start fresh from now.

You started this situation. You have to be the one to bring it to an end.

Alf. A. Male

Stressed_and_upset wrote: »

they've forced my sister to take sides too, and she's now not talking to them either. She rang once, but I had to hang up , I'd agreed we should be civil, but she decided to start going on about how appalling my supposed flippant comment was so I hung up. Since then they've tried to ring twice, the first time they tried to hide it was them, (number on, then changed to private, then changed back) and the second my phone dropped the call.

Besides anything else, if the bolded "she" is your sister, whay the hell are you not making as much effort to talk as she is? That's a toal of 5 calls described above. In one you hung up because you didn't like the subject and if your phone drops a call, you pick it up and call back. You're not helping yourself with such a poor attitude to communicating with you sister, who doesn't seem to have done a thing wrong.

Meauldsegosha

I don't agree with the posters call the OP's girlfriend a nightmare or toxic. I think the OP and the girlfriend are equally to blame for the situation. OP you certainly didn't help the situation by apologising to everyone but her and then hanging up or irnoring her calls. However she never should have reacted the way she did the night of your mothers funeral.

Stressed_and_upset wrote: »

... I've apologised to everyone but the girlfriend, I shouldn't of reacted that way, I shouldn't have been drinking, if I hadn't I'd have walked away...

I don't think you should go to the engagement party but you should make the effort to meet your brother in a neutral venue before hand and explain it all to him in a calm manner. Remember he has lost his mother also so is probably going through all the emotions you are.

LegacyUser

I should clarify what happened, I'm accused of saying that to the girlfriends sister. I have absolutely no recollection of it. I only remember talking to her once, and I definitely did not say it then, there's a chance she misheard me saying something to my own sister as I walked away, but that wasn't nasty or about my brothers girlfriends sister

I apologied to my family for causing them stress, and I don't know why I should apologise to my brothers girlfriend. The only reason to do it would be to keep the piece, but at this stage, I don't think that's an option anymore. When I offered to be civil, the phone call that I hung up on, she decided to bring it up again instead of keeping the peace.

I'm wary of answering her calls, I'm genuinely scared of her attacking me again, I think it makes it worse that the fight was on the funeral, so it brings back all the emotions. I think if there was a voicemail or message asking me to call them back I'd be less scared about it, but it feels like they only want contact on their terms, and I don't feel brave enough for that

I should add, my brother and I have a very complicated relationship, but it we haven't had a cross word in years.

I'm not perfect, and I'm scared if I don't go they'll try turn my family against me. Even if I do nothing but avoid confrontation, but I'm also scared of facing them

Big Bag of Chips

Your brother's girlfriend's sister, arrives at the funeral of your mother with her friends, and starts a row? And then backs off and lets everyone else to deal with the fallout? Regardless of what was or wasn't said (and I'd question if you said anything.. how drunk were you that you don't remember saying it - but yet remember what was said after?) she should have either let it go and put it down to grief - or she should have dealt with it herself. Running to her sister, who then involves your brother etc makes it all sound very childish and dramatic. They are getting involved in a 3rd hand argument that they don't know the details of. They are taking her word above yours, on something that happened the night of your mother's funeral. The mature thing to do would be to stay out of it, letting both sides know that they weren't getting involved.

From what you say your brother's gf has a habit of being a bit of a bitch.. now it sounds like her sister is getting in on the act.

I wouldn't go to the engagement party - because I'm sure the sister, and her friends, are going to be there? Her, her sister and your brother will all be bitching and sniping about you while forcing the smiles to make it look like you're all one big happy family. they don't want you there because they want to reconcile. They want you there so people won't ask questions.

Maybe you are in the wrong - it's difficult to know. Maybe they are in the wrong. But either way, none of you are getting along at the moment. If your brother wants to make amends he should approach you. You don't ever have to be friend with his gf by the way - and you certainly don't need to have any sort of relationship with her sister.

Maybe accept one phonecall - see what they have to say. If they start mouthing, I'd be hanging up and certainly wouldn't be worrying about whether or not I should go along to a party I'm not wanted at, just to make them look good.

Rossin

If my mother died Id be extremely annoyed with my brother for having an engagement party 2 months later. But maybe that's just me.

Sorry for your loss op.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the advice. I think what most people said was right, regardless of where the blame lies, I shouldn't attend

Maybe I should just be the bigger person, but I'm so hurt right now.

username123

Lord - do not attend - sure why would you? These people have something wrong mentally to be starting stupid arguments (over bloody drink for gods sake!!) at someones parents funeral.

Im not surprised you lost the head at the funeral. Your brother sounds like a disrespectful so and so as well to be honest.

Dont go and disengage from these people completely. Your brother is the one going to suffer a life of pain with this piece of work, be glad you do not have to.

If anybody says a word about you not going to the party simply tell them that you are still grieving over your mothers loss and you are unwilling to become the verbal punchbag for a clearly mentally unhinged self centered individual again.

iusedtoknow

Don't attend - she sounds like a mess and not worth dealing with while you are dealing with grief.

It sounds like an awful situation, and a funeral was no place for people to be dropping round at 9pm for the afters, when at that point it is usually family and close friends - not the sister of your future sister in law.

iusedtoknow

Rossin wrote: »

If my mother died Id be extremely annoyed with my brother for having an engagement party 2 months later. But maybe that's just me.

Sorry for your loss op.

My brother in laws wedding was the week after his father died. It was probably one of the best weddings I've been to, and was done with the complete blessing of his father and family

Maphisto

Hi OP, just wanted to say sorry for your loss.

Emotions run pretty high at funerals, especially with drink as well. I wouldn't go to the engagement party until you have had a calm sit down with your siblings and cleared the air.

Like an earlier poster, I would be put out with my brother if he decided to get engaged shortly after a parent's death. Also given the falling out, why are they bothered for you to go to the engagement party?

I wish you all the best OP. You have a lot on your plate right now so be kind to yourself.

Rossin

iusedtoknow wrote: »

My brother in laws wedding was the week after his father died. It was probably one of the best weddings I've been to, and was done with the complete blessing of his father and family

I guess it depends on the situation

Maphisto

iusedtoknow wrote: »

My brother in laws wedding was the week after his father died. It was probably one of the best weddings I've been to, and was done with the complete blessing of his father and family

I see my post cut across your point. Sorry I didn't mean it to.

I think a wedding is quite a bit different from an engagement party, from the amount of organisation and financial investment involved.

It wouldn't hurt anyone to put off the party until things settle down. Cripes they can still be engaged.

December2012

A death of a parent is horrible, and you, your brother and your sister are all suffering.

Try to make allowances for his heightened emotions. And they should make allowances for you.

Apart from the engagement, I think it's important to make friends with your family and not let these things fester.

You should wish your brother and your sister in law to be well in his engagement (which I think is fine, timing wise, myself).

Grief is horrible, but it doesn't give you a free pass to drink what you like or slag people off.