Sleep Deprivation Damaging my Relationship

HenryChinaski · 29-05-2014 8:20am #1

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 15 months and we've been living together since the end of February. By all accounts, it's the best relationship I've ever had. I know she is as in love with me as I am with her and everything is really great. We rarely argue and when we do it's just like silly bickering that always gets smoothed out quickly and respectfully, and it's over as quickly as it started.

However, I am a person who needs sleep. I work crazy hours that are all over the place, and I suffer from a physically taxing disease with can leave me quite exhausted by the time I get home at 10.30 at night. So basically, I need my 8 hours.

My girlfriend on the other hand, wants to be up at 7am every morning and insists on leaving the curtains open. However, when the sun floods into the room at 6.30am I'm the only one who gets woken up and she sleeps on through til she's good and ready to wake up. I've approached this with her and she says not waking up with sun on her makes her groggy for hours, so I love her and I continue to sleep with the curtains open.

She also has two cats who she loves, but one of them just keeps blowing up from about 4.30/5.00 every morning. So here I am, living with the girl of my dreams, but I haven't had any good sleep in weeks, and it's been wearing me down. I've been zoning out a lot, especially at home. I can't concentrate on conversations and sometimes I just don't want to. I'm so exhausted, I just need to sit and be left in peace.

She's quite sensitive though and I am aware of hurting her feelings so sometimes I try to be interested but then I zone out again and basically end up ignoring. Anyway today she kept asking me silly little things like to look at the cats as they were doing the same silly **** they do all the time. When I didn't respond, one thing led to another and what came out, ended up sounding like me saying that sometimes she bothers so I choose to ignore her. Now, I was shattered tired, I've not had a full night sleep in weeks, and I'm also preoccupied with a hospital treatment I have tomorrow morning. One that I have to travel to, is physically draining, and one that I still have to go to work after. I didn't mean what I said and she has to know it because I adore her and give everything I have to our relationship and I know I make her happier than she's ever been. But at the same time it devastated her.

She thinks I said she bores me and that all the times I zone out, I'm actually intentionally ignoring her because she's some sort of nuisance. She's so pissed off at me, and upset, and I've never seen her like this. I'm gutted to see her so sad but at the same time I'm so physically and mentally sleep deprived that I can't talk to her when she's so upset because I keep tripping up on my sentences and making it worse. What can I do to smooth it over, while at the same time not trying to use sleep deprivation as an excuse, even though I genuinely believe it is?

29-05-2014 8:25am

OP I think you need to tell her more firmly that your zoning out is a direct result of her curtains and her cats and it needs to change for both your sake and hers. Sleep dep particularly in your case isn't an excuse it's a valid reason and something you can do something about

R.D. aka MR.D · 29-05-2014 8:27am

Have you explained what you said here to her? You're tired and ill?

My OH can go through periods where he has a lot on his mind. He's currently working in a job that he hates. If he turns around to me and says 'i'm sorry, i'm not feeling great at the minute. Let's just relax and do our own thing.' then i'm 100% okay with it. On the other hand, if he just ignores me or gives me one word answers then it bothers me.

Some people find it hard to communicate openly in a relationship but it really is the key to success in my opinion.

Penny Tration · 29-05-2014 8:33am

If you keep tripping over your words due to the tiredness, show her this thread, or write out what you want to say. You've expressed yourself clearly and eloquently here.

Ultimately, she does not neee the curtains open. Saying she is groggy for the day if she isn't waking up to sunshine is a load of rubbish. If that were true, how does she cope during winter, when we all get up in the dark?

I don't really know what you can do about the cat tbh, but the curtain thing should be a non issue. Saying she is groggy if curtains aren't open sounds like it's all in her head.

whirlpool · 29-05-2014 8:38am

Sleep deprivation is the worst! You can handle anything if you've had enough sleep (and the amount needed varies for everyone) but if you aren't fully rested, it's hard to live a decent life. I would echo previous posters by repeating the idea of showing her what you've written here. If your relationship is going to survive, she needs to know the full you, and that includes this issue.

HenryChinaski · 29-05-2014 9:07am

I have definitely discussed both the cats and the curtains with her but I guess I could be a little more firm about it. I don't know, she gets upset and feels like she's in trouble, and she'll go a bit defensive and start talking about sleeping in the living room with the cats, and I don't think that's fair, so I ask her not to do that, and go back to not getting sleep.

She's been in verbally abusive relationships before, and she's been lied to, and called things she's not. As a result, she's really sensitive about being perceived as selfish or childish. I don't think she's either, at all, but when these issues come up, I have to tiptoe around them because she can get upset a bit more easily than say, someone who hadn't been with the guys who inflicted upon her, the emotional torment, that I've put a lot of time and love into helping her get past.

It's a tricky one like. I know she'll come back to me, but as long as I'm not getting the sleep I need, I'm worried that I'll keep zoning out and that now, every time I do, she'll think I hear her and am ignoring her. Another thing too to note, is that I legitimately don't have the best hearing out there, so sometimes, I genuinely just don't hear things. It's scary, I don't want this to derail or drive a wedge into the one thing that really makes me happy.

29-05-2014 9:20am

Well OP i think not being able to have a straightforward conversation with your partner without her acting like a scolded child is another issue and one that may crop up again in many different circumstances. Having a strop and saying "FINE I'll sleep in the living room then!" in response to "please leave the curtains closed" is a mental overreaction and I don't think "I've been lied to before" is an excuse for that. She continues getting things her way and shuts you down when you want an alternative.
This is something you need to nip in the bud now if you want to have any kind of future with her, and you need her to seriously start dissociating "Would you mind not doing x please as it's an issue for me, can we work something out" from "do you not love me anymore".

GreeBo · 29-05-2014 9:26am

OP have you tried ear plugs & sleep mask?

gaynorvader · 29-05-2014 9:32am

Ear plugs and a sleep mask might be a useful compromise if the curtains and cats are such sticking issues. Even if it just shows your girlfriend how much these things are actually bothering you.

LegacyUser · 29-05-2014 9:38am

GreeBo wrote: »

OP have you tried ear plugs & sleep mask?

+ 1 to this. Why don't you just get a sleep mask? It sounds like theres lots of small things that are getting to you that may just be done to lack of sleep so address that first and deal with the rest after your back getting decent sleep.

While her reason for keeping the curtains open is rubbish your sharing a space so find a balance that works for you both. Plenty of couples find they aren't compatible with their sleep patterns and have to sort a system that works for them so start by getting a good sleep mask and trying ear plugs and see if they help.

HenryChinaski · 29-05-2014 9:50am

Ear plugs drive me crazy, I hate them. Eye mask can help sometimes but others it's still too bright. The apartment really does get the full strength of the sun. She definitely doesn't throw a childish strop. She's actually pretty content to go kip out there because she knows I couldn't sleep out there. It's ten times brighter than the bedroom and I need to sleep in a bed. And tone says a lot and it's not like that at all. It's really more of a, "Fair enough, cats are mine and I want the curtains open. If you need the sleep, I don't mind giving you the bedroom".

Merkin · 29-05-2014 10:09am

HenryChinaski wrote: »

She's been in verbally abusive relationships before, and she's been lied to, and called things she's not. As a result, she's really sensitive about being perceived as selfish or childish. I don't think she's either.

I think she's both!

She is behaving appallingly and unfortunately is manipulating you and the situation by using past experiences to get away with bad behavior. I know that you love her but she is being a spoilt madam and I'm afraid your issues go way deeper than some open curtains, the way you handle confrontation and managing issues is something that needs to be worked on for your future happiness. You can't simply defer to her and tiptoe around her for fear of rocking the boat.

Be firm, tell her that your disrupted sleep is affecting your mental and physical help and that it can't continue. Don't back down. What you are asking is not in any way unreasonable.

Barely There · 29-05-2014 10:49am

Christ she sounds like a passive-aggressive little princess.

I'd dump her.

tinkerbell · 29-05-2014 10:54am

Ear plugs and a sleep mask are not the answer here. Why should the OP have to make sleeping even more uncomfortable than it already is? It's not comfy to wear a sleep mask and ear plugs. OP, your gf is being a selfish cow. Sorry to be blunt but she is. Tell her that you can no longer put up with the curtains being open - they will stay closed, you need your sleep so you need to tell her firmly. As for the cats - how are you hearing them? Are they indoor cats? Can you not shut the bedroom door to block out the noise if they are in another room?

tara73 · 29-05-2014 11:04am

OP, she is completely selfish and also manipulative.

Leaving the curtains open, letting the cats run around in the middle of the night. it's just mindboggling.
if she's fine with it, ok, but if you're not, this has to change that you can get your much needed sleep. full stop.
I would have a serious word with her, as some other poster mentioned, she behaves like a 5 year old little princess.

stargazer 68 · 29-05-2014 11:10am

So maybe I have this wrong. He can't sleep with the curtains open and she can't sleep with them closed so she has to change!

Cats I agree with - no place in the bedroom and I have a cat!

username123 · 29-05-2014 11:31am

She cant sleep with the curtains closed or she is groggy.
He cant sleep with the curtains open or he is sleep deprived.

Is there any compromise on curtains - such a coloured voile panel for example so some light comes in but its not as harsh?

Or blinds that can be left partially open?

Or one of those SAD lamp alarm clocks that gives her sunlight type light at wake up time but not before.

How does the gf normally cope in winter when there is no morning sunlight? How do you cope if you stay somewhere were there is extra light?

Im not really clear whats going on with the cats but cats should not be in the bedroom and if they are making noise then there are loads of different styles of ear plugs that can be tried (I hated ear plugs for years but then found comfy ones, its trial and error).

HenryChinaski · 29-05-2014 11:33am

First, it's really not fair to call her a cow. She's not. Is she prone to selfish behaviour from time to time? Maybe, a little. But I can also say that telling her that isn't what she needs to hear. That's just something I know.

Second, this is less about how to get more sleep than it is about the fact that I told her I ignored her on purpose because I didn't think what she had to say was important, when I was so tired that I don't even remember the conversation. She feels like, every time I zone out or don't hear her, that I do in fact, and am choosing to ignore her. That's what has upset her and I see why she feels upset, because she thinks I don't care about things she has to say. That's why I'm here. Granted it's nice to know people agree that sleep deprivation is a valid excuse for knowing what I was saying, but you know, she obviously has some right to question past incidences and wonder if I'm as trustworthy and attentive as she thought. I'm asking how do I prove that I am.

miamee · 29-05-2014 11:34am

HenryChinaski wrote: »

Ear plugs drive me crazy, I hate them. Eye mask can help sometimes but others it's still too bright. The apartment really does get the full strength of the sun. She definitely doesn't throw a childish strop. She's actually pretty content to go kip out there because she knows I couldn't sleep out there. It's ten times brighter than the bedroom and I need to sleep in a bed. And tone says a lot and it's not like that at all. It's really more of a, "Fair enough, cats are mine and I want the curtains open. If you need the sleep, I don't mind giving you the bedroom".

Why don't you let her do this occasionally so you can get a full night's sleep?

username123 · 29-05-2014 11:36am

miamee wrote: »

Why don't you let her do this occasionally so you can get a full night's sleep?

+1

miamee · 29-05-2014 11:38am

HenryChinaski wrote: »

First, it's really not fair to call her a cow. She's not. Is she prone to selfish behaviour from time to time? Maybe, a little. But I can also say that telling her that isn't what she needs to hear. That's just something I know.

Second, this is less about how to get more sleep than it is about the fact that I told her I ignored her on purpose because I didn't think what she had to say was important, when I was so tired that I don't even remember the conversation. She feels like, every time I zone out or don't hear her, that I do in fact, and am choosing to ignore her. That's what has upset her and I see why she feels upset, because she thinks I don't care about things she has to say. That's why I'm here. Granted it's nice to know people agree that sleep deprivation is a valid excuse for knowing what I was saying, but you know, she obviously has some right to question past incidences and wonder if I'm as trustworthy and attentive as she thought. I'm asking how do I prove that I am.

Surely if you have always been as loving and trustworthy as you have come across in your previous posts, then why would she doubt you were anything but sincere?

If you tell her the truth, as you have here - I was so tired that I couldn't focus on what you were saying and when I tried to explain it, it all came out wrong. I need more sleep on a regular basis, this is not working for me - why would she not believe you or need proof that you were telling the truth?

Usually the simplest solution is the best - explain things plainly and simply to her.

29-05-2014 11:41am

HenryChinaski wrote: »

Granted it's nice to know people agree that sleep deprivation is a valid excuse for knowing what I was saying, but you know, she obviously has some right to question past incidences and wonder if I'm as trustworthy and attentive as she thought. I'm asking how do I prove that I am.

You get some sleep and then explain it to her like you did here

GreeBo · 29-05-2014 11:58am

tinkerbell wrote: »

Ear plugs and a sleep mask are not the answer here. Why should the OP have to make sleeping even more uncomfortable than it already is?

Why should his partner have to sleep with the curtains closed?
There is a compromise for this = sleepmask, there is no compromise possible on here side.

tinkerbell · 29-05-2014 12:05pm

GreeBo wrote: »

Why should his partner have to sleep with the curtains closed?
There is a compromise for this = sleepmask, there is no compromise possible on here side.

The OP said that his gf doesn't even wake up when the sun shines through the windows - she sleeps on through it til she actually wakes up. There's a difference. So the whole notion that the gf can't sleep with them closed is nonsense. She claims she needs them open to be woken up with the sun but that doesn't even happen as she sleeps right through it!

OP, what do you do during the winter months when it's a lot darker outside?

GreeBo · 29-05-2014 12:08pm

tinkerbell wrote: »

The OP said that his gf doesn't even wake up when the sun shines through the windows - she sleeps on through it til she actually wakes up. There's a difference. So the whole notion that the gf can't sleep with them closed is nonsense. She claims she needs them open to be woken up with the sun but that doesn't even happen as she sleeps right through it!

OP, what do you do during the winter months when it's a lot darker outside?

You cant just label her issues as nonsense!
Otherwise she can equally do the same about his problem, if the sun doesnt wake her, why does it wake him?

macplato · 29-05-2014 12:19pm

GreeBo wrote: »

Why should his partner have to sleep with the curtains closed?
There is a compromise for this = sleepmask, there is no compromise possible on here side.

Well, the compromise on her side would be to sleep in the living room, it's not ideal because it's nice to sleep together, but if their needs are not compatible, then sleeping separately is not such a bad idea.

OP, I'm one of those people who can't get good quality sleep with drawn curtains. In one past relationship this was an issue, so we got blinds that were half shut at night and that felt good to both of us. In other relationships this wasn't an issue. In your situation, I would take your girlfriend up on her offer to sleep in the living room, especially that she has no problem with it.

As to the real issue - if you haven't apologised yet, do it now. Tell her that you snapped and you didn't mean what you said. Explain to her that you are sleep deprived, talk to her about some solutions to the problem, and decide to implement the one that feels right to both of you. Being cranky and a bit snappy in your circumstances is really understandable (not to be confused with excusable) - just explain to her how you feel about your illness, tiredness, offer some solutions, implement them and, if what you say about your girlfriend and about your relationship is true, you should be fine.

R.D. aka MR.D · 29-05-2014 12:53pm

HenryChinaski wrote: »

First, it's really not fair to call her a cow. She's not. Is she prone to selfish behaviour from time to time? Maybe, a little. But I can also say that telling her that isn't what she needs to hear. That's just something I know.

I'm sorry but I can't agree with you here. I was in an abusive relationship before where my ex put me in the hospital. The physical side was nothing to the emotional side of the abuse. He had me feeling like I was worthless.

That in no way gives me the right to act selfishly in my current relationship. I wanted to enter another relationship with some one I liked. So, i worked on my own issues to regain my confidence and become healthy again.

If she is being selfish in your opinion then you need to explain that you feel that she is being selfish. If you feel like she is not mature enough to deal with a romantic partner stating their feelings in a straight forward manner in an effort to have a healthy relationship then you could suggest that she goes to see a counselor or other professional.

You seem like a really nice guy and I can tell that you are trying to do the 'right thing' here but maybe your idea of what is best for her in reality isn't the best for the both of you.

GreeBo · 29-05-2014 12:55pm

macplato wrote: »

Well, the compromise on her side would be to sleep in the living room, it's not ideal because it's nice to sleep together, but if their needs are not compatible, then sleeping separately is not such a bad idea.

OP, I'm one of those people who can't get good quality sleep with drawn curtains. In one past relationship this was an issue, so we got blinds that were half shut at night and that felt good to both of us. In other relationships this wasn't an issue. In your situation, I would take your girlfriend up on her offer to sleep in the living room, especially that she has no problem with it.

And the OP cant sleep in another room?

macplato · 29-05-2014 1:02pm

GreeBo wrote: »

And the OP cant sleep in another room?

Well, I guess he could, of course, but the OP said that the other room is way to bright for him, and she already offered, so to me there is no reason to make it into a power struggle. It seems that they already found a good solution, they just haven't implemented it.

OP, you need to stop tip-toeing around your girlfriend, because there really is no need for it. She is not a child, and by trying to protect her from herself and her emotions you are not doing either of you any good. The solutions here are simple, you just need to believe that she is a big girl who is not going to break if you tell her what you need, or if you let her sleep in the living room.

CaraMay · 29-05-2014 1:27pm

I don't understand seeing as you are together that long why this is only an issue since you moved in?

So sort out the cats issue, go to bed at 11 and wake at 6.30 which is 7.5 hours sleep!! That's plenty once is solid sleep.

Little Acorn · 29-05-2014 1:28pm

HenryChinaski wrote: »

Ear plugs drive me crazy, I hate them. Eye mask can help sometimes but others it's still too bright. The apartment really does get the full strength of the sun. She definitely doesn't throw a childish strop. She's actually pretty content to go kip out there because she knows I couldn't sleep out there. It's ten times brighter than the bedroom and I need to sleep in a bed. And tone says a lot and it's not like that at all. It's really more of a, "Fair enough, cats are mine and I want the curtains open. If you need the sleep, I don't mind giving you the bedroom".

You already have your solution so then regarding the sleep issue.
Why haven't you taken her up on her offer?
It seems like you believe she is sincere in her offer and happy to sleep elsewhere, so I guess it would take you accepting/agreeing with the offer to know for sure or see if her tune changes once you actually agree to it.

You could address your other problem in the process of accepting the offer, by something like:
"I'm really sorry for what I said, I didn't mean for it to sound like I think you are boring, I don't. You know I love you and think your're amazing, it's just my mind isn't even functioning properly the last few weeks. This lack of sleep is killing me ............(insert further explanation of sleep deprivation symptoms)."
"I think I will take you up on that offer you made, and that it's the best solution for us..........."

HenryChinaski · 29-05-2014 2:28pm

Well I've taken a lot of the advice here on board. I had apologised as soon as I realised I'd upset her. Have voiced a lot of it to her like that I don't think she's boring and that I obviously love her and that I know she has to know it, too. How I was tired and under questioning and it all came out wrong. I understand that her past history means it might take her a bit of time to actually trust that I'm not lying but that it's on her to do that.

I told her about the cats having become a serious issue and that if we want this tiredness and lack of attentiveness to stop, we'll have to do something about it. It's mainly just one of them who does the howling. The other would probably be no trouble if she didn't get agitated first. The main problem is that we live in a large open-plan high rise apartment (in Korea) so the only separated room is the bedroom. Locking the cats out will just have them clawing at the door and there really is no other way to keep them away from us at night. It's just gonna be a case of taking her to the vet and finding out if there are any anti-anxiety meds or something that we can give her. Have to say though, I'd never push her to get rid of them. The cats have been together years so they're inseparable, and Korea is a place with a lot of abandoned pet problems, so they probably would end up in a shelter and ultimately being put down. Especially since the cat's anxiety would likely worsen once separated from my gf and would thus torment any new owners tenfold. Also, she loves those cats way too much, it would break her heart.

Finally, the curtains were an issue before we moved in together but we mostly stayed in my old place which got less light and it was my apartment so she accepted it as my space. It was an issue at her place but it was nowhere near as bright as the new apartment. Also, the cats were used to the back and forth between our old individual apartments, but one of them just has not settled in the new place at all, and just goes off at the same time every night/morning.

I guess she'll just need a bit of time but hopefully it'll blow over.

retro:electro · 29-05-2014 4:20pm

You are tip toeing around this girl like she is some sort of delicate flower! Honestly op the fact that you have a taxing disease that can leave you exhausted should be enough for her to understand that you need a good sleep. You say she's groggy if she doesn't get sunlight in the mornings, so it's not even that she can't sleep if they're closed she just prefers to have them open to keep her feeling refreshed for the day; but what about you? When was the last time you felt refreshed? Honestly I would tell her that you want to do a trial run for the next week of leaving the curtains closed until you wake and see how that goes for both of you. Worst case scenario she'll be a little groggier than usual, well maybe this may give her some insight and perspective into how you've been feeling. It sounds like she's used to getting her way with you as you seem to have an almost pitiful attitude towards the girl.

LegacyUser · 29-05-2014 4:32pm

HenryChinaski wrote: »

The main problem is that we live in a large open-plan high rise apartment (in Korea) so the only separated room is the bedroom. Locking the cats out will just have them clawing at the door and there really is no other way to keep them away from us at night.

Nonsense, get a pet crate, or two if they don't like sleeping together. Lock them in at night, cover the crates with blankets or rugs and they'll have two little cosy caves.

Sleep Deprivation Damaging my Relationship

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