Dating a girl with a 7 year age gap?Need advice..

LegacyUser

Hey Guys, need your help and advice with my situation.

I am a 26 year old male who has recently started seeing a 19 year old girl. She is local to my town but I would never have really known her, as there is a big age gap, I was doing my leaving cert when she was still in National School(that sounds so bad). We meet at a 21st about a month ago, a lad I play football with. We got chatting or whatever and I asked for her number, we arranged a cinema date the next week, which went really well. We have meet up every single weekend every since but on a casual enough basis. Now it is getting a bit more serious, she wants me to meet the parents and there has been talk of starting a relationship.

So here's my problem, I am really attracted to this girl and we get on really well. She is completely ok with the age gap but it is beginning to worry me a little.

Let me explain why, she is a very attractive girl and could have any fella her own age, I know this as very young fella in the town has been chasing after her in the past few years, so she has no shortage of male attention.

Also she has just finished 1st year in college, she is as the stage in her life, were she is studying towards a degree and I am at a different stage, I am in full time employment and thinking about buying a house and settling down, not right now but in the next 5/6 years.

We have both talked about previous relationships and what went wrong. She has had two boyfriends in the past, who she broke up with because they got to possessive and couldn't deal with the attention other fellas gave to her, now I don't think this would be a problem for me, as I am very secure when it comes to women.

What worries me a little, is the crossroads I am at here, I am afraid that if we start dating now and it doesn't work out 2/3 years down the line, where that will leave me? I will be heading for 30 and back on the single scene, not that easy at that age.

If I was 19 again, I would not be dating a 26 year old, when I was that age I had no interest in settling and was playing the field, as most young people that age does. One other worry, she always talks about travelling when she graduates, which doesn't interest me, I done the whole Australia thing for 2 years and came home to find a girl and settle.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Tokyo

OP, relationships can fail for plenty of other reasons than the one's you've cited, and that's regardless of age gap. Yes, you are right in a lot of what you say - you don't know if she'll still be interested in you a few years down the line, you don't know if her interests will change, you don't know if she'll want to head off to Australia a few years down the line. But that can be said of any relationship.

What you do know is that she in interested in you, and has no interest in somebody else right now, and wants to have a relationship with you and meet her family.

Ultimately the choice comes down to what you want, but why not deal with the things you do know, rather than the things you don't. She sounds like a mature person, and 7 years isn't that much, and it's a difference that feels a lot smaller as you get older, believe me.

Merkin

The Old Guy wrote: »

What worries me a little, is the crossroads I am at here, I am afraid that if we start dating now and it doesn't work out 2/3 years down the line, where that will leave me? I will be heading for 30 and back on the single scene, not that easy at that age.

You need to cool the jets. Seriously. You're not at any type of crossroads and the reasons behind your reticence are spurious. Even your chosen moniker "Old Guy" suggests you're totally over the hill when you're just a nipper at 26. Why don't you just relax and actually enjoy being young rather than making yourself feel old long before your time and putting silly obstacles in your way? That's no way to live.

username123

Wow, 26 is so young, why on earth do you have an outlook on life as though you're 40+!

Relax and stop projecting so much, you'll never enjoy life the way you are acting!

You've years before you need to be thinking about settling down, you're 26!

Alf. A. Male

The Old Guy wrote: »

I am afraid that if we start dating now and it doesn't work out 2/3 years down the line, where that will leave me? I will be heading for 30 and back on the single scene, not that easy at that age.

To be frank, that's nonsense and if it's your only problem in this scenario then forget it and work away.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

I appreciate that 26 is probably not that old and I am probably exaggerating a little. The main reason for this, out of a group of about 10 close friends, that I would socialise with every weekend, I am the only one single. They are all in relationships and I suppose this is kind of what has me thinking the way I am.

Also, I don't want to be the one holding this girl back from doing all the things I did when I was her age. I know I have to make up mind and the replies here has given me a lot to think about.

Merkin

The Old Guy wrote: »

I appreciate that 26 is probably not that old and I am probably exaggerating a little. The main reason for this, out of a group of about 10 close friends, that I would socialise with every weekend, I am the only one single. They are all in relationships and I suppose this is kind of what has me thinking the way I am.

What your friends are or are not doing really should have no bearing whatsoever on your life decisions.

Alf. A. Male

The Old Guy wrote: »

Also, I don't want to be the one holding this girl back from doing all the things I did when I was her age.

Don't start out by deciding that for her, if she's happy with how things are progressing that's her choice to make.

Flippyfloppy

Honestly, and I'm not 30 yet, I know for a fact that dating when you're 30 can be amazing. So don't worry about having to date again.

Also, as you get older and meet people it's easier for both parties to settle down as you both know exactly what you want in a partner and life. So you could meet someone when you're 30 and be settled within a year or two!

Maybe when the time comes to travel you can compromise? Or you could be madly in love and your honeymoon could be travelling. You never know. Are you in love with this girl?

LegacyUser

I met a very pretty girl who was 19 when I was 25 and we started going out. I was finished college, she had't even started it. It raised a few eyebrows at the time. Her parents didn't want her going out with me at first and I got a few smirks off my mates when I told them. Thing is though, she was very mature for 19 and I guess I was kinda immature for 25 ha ha. I think she thought guys her age were immature eejits

Anyway, that was six years ago. We're still together.

Advice:
Don't listen to people who tell you it can't work
Expect LDR while she is off in college or whatever. But this can go for any relationship
You'll need to be patient because she might be in a stage in her life where she wants to do stuff that makes you go 'oh ffs!' ... but my advice is to just go along with it. Something like going to Oxegen or whatever.
Meet her folks / friends so that they know you're not a creepy weirdo
Go for it!!

Ham Sambo

Will ya stop! you are only 26 not 62, so what if there is a 7 year gap, it doesn't seem to bother either of you so what are you worrying about, just enjoy it.

LegacyUser

I don't think there's anything wrong with the age difference. I can understand worrying about the things you're worrying about - and I know its important to think of the future sometimes - but tbh you don't know how you will feel or how she will feel in a few years time. I think you're maybe jumping ahead a little bit. Maybe just go with the flow, don't think too deeply into it, if you like her enough - forget the 'what ifs' and give it a go.

Personally, I got together with my current boyfriend when I was 19 and he was 27. We met when 17 and 25 and had been seeing each-other for those 2 years before we made it official at 19 & 27. He had a problem with my age at first (when I was 17) but he got to know me for a few months and realised we were very similar people and the age wasn't noticeable, and it became a total non-issue for him so we kept seeing each other. Currently, I just finished college but will be going back for a different course 'cause I didn't like my first one.. He also just finished a course and has started his full-time career. Yeah, our lives are gonna be a bit different now in that respect, but I really don't see it as a problem and I don't think you should either. We don't notice our age difference at all - it kind of amuses me to think about it because it's such a non-issue.

It's not like she's still in school, she's in college and presumably not living at home when at college, so she's not a little kid. If you don't notice the age difference (like think she's immature etc) then I don't see any major problem.


One thing that you said that got me was
'' Also, I don't want to be the one holding this girl back from doing all the things I did when I was her age. ''
My boyfriend also said that to me a couple times (before we were actually bf/gf, when we had talks about making it a proper relationship) and it really annoyed me. I would get that thought out of your head completely. Its her decision - she seems to want you - not to be doing whatever things you were doing at her age. It's up to her to make that decision, not you.

'' She is a very attractive girl and could have any fella her own age ''
Again, she doesn't seem to want those guys, she wants you. So this is a non-issue.

'' If I was 19 again, I would not be dating a 26 year old, when I was that age I had no interest in settling and was playing the field, as most young people that age does. ''
Same as above really - what you wanted when you were her age may not be what she wants (and it doesn't appear to be).

My bf has probably considered all the things you have (whether said out loud to me or not) but I think (and hope ha) he would tell you its all worth it.

I think you should talk to her about this because you seem to need reassurance that she does actually want a relationship and doesn't wanna just 'play the field' and take advantage of all the male attention she gets. From what you've said here, its clear she wants you. I understand your doubts and that's normal, but I do think you're reading into it too much.

I don't think you should think too much into the future.. If you like her and she likes you, that should be all that matters for the time being. Tbh 'what ifs' (while I totally understand considering them) is a bit of a stupid reason not to pursue it imo.

alleystar

The Old Guy wrote: »

We met at a 21st about a month ago. We got chatting or whatever and I asked for her number, we arranged a cinema date the next week, which went really well. We have meet up every single weekend every since but on a casual enough basis. Now it is getting a bit more serious, she wants me to meet the parents and there has been talk of starting a relationship.

You only met a month ago, you're not even in a proper relationship yet (you said so yourself). I also find meeting her parents after such little time a bit bizarre and too fast (especially if it's arranged). Maybe that's just me though.

Whatever about her previous two relationships ending, what was she, 15? 17? C'mon, no one's relationships lasts at that age bar very few.

My advice would be to calm down, you've only known her a month - you hardly know her tbh. What will be, will be.

Quiet Girl

No need to be freaking out about an age gap.
There is 13 years between myself and my OH and yes it was a bit daunting at the start but once we got to know each other properly we fell head over heels and now couldn't be happier!
So give it some time coz you never know what the future has in store!

iusedtoknow

I know people who are of the same age and are at "different stages in life". I'm far more "advanced" in life than my sister in law (who is coming up on 30, and just finishing college) even though we're of the same age (i've been in the working world for years, married to her sister who is a year younger than her and a doctor)

I'd cool your jets a bit on this one, take it slowly and go with it - what is the worst that can happen? She's 19 - so a)...it's perfectly legal and b) it's the first month - so just enjoy it.

Wormking2002

I done it before..same age and all and it didn't work...when she's that age things change too quickly for her...i had to be a **** and end it for her good....she will still want to party while you try and save...funny thing was i still partied in the end...

LegacyUser

Seven years isn't that much, there's nothing wrong with it. As mentioned before though you've only been seeing her for about a month.

My boyfriend and I settled down young, we're both the same age but we started going out at 16 and had a child at 18. There's no doubt that we're still madly in love with each other, and I don't regret going out with him for a second, but I do regret getting serious so quickly.

We missed out on so many nights out with friends, opportunities to travel and just the freedom to go do things on the spur of the moment. But most of all we missed out on alone time with each other, time to just enjoy each others company and not have to plan for the new arrival, or use any free time to catch up on sleep after baby was born.

I know you're ten years older than what we were but my advice would be to just go with the flow. If you really like this girl then go for it, but don't go into a relationship with the mindset that it has to result in marriage and kids etc. Have fun with the girl, enjoy doing things and going places together. If things don't work out, don't dwell on it. Treat it like any other break up and move on.

If you dwell too much on making this a life commitment from the beginning she will begin to feel pressured and either end things or end up resenting you for it. I hope I haven't sounded too harsh and that this helps you somewhat.

Looper007

Wormking2002 wrote: »

I done it before..same age and all and it didn't work...when she's that age things change too quickly for her.

They can work, read the proof here, but that depends if the young person is far mature and knows what she/he wants. For me I wouldn't tell anyone not to do it but I warn them to understand people at 19 are still grown as adults so be understanding that they might change their points of views on things and might grow as people. O.P is only with her a month, I just say have fun and see where it goes don't worry to much.

I was in the same boat as yourself, Met a girl who was 19 I was 26 (I'm 34 now so it was a while back), we met through a short course I was doing, we had a lot of things in common, we were geeks, films, comic books etc.. She was attractive (she never wore make up), a bit tomboyish and shy. We'd go out a lot with her and my friends, go cinema, gigs. You know the usual couple stuff. We were dating for a good two years, when she decided she wanted to go study, I was very supportive and she got into the course.

I think by the end of the first year of that course, she went from a shy attractive tomboyish 21 year old into a flirtatious girly girl, she had started to hang out with different people, she was far more outgoing and Her appearance totally changed, she was wearing skirts, wearing make up and grew her hair longer , she was more into going the gym (one thing i thank her for getting me into) and going drinking and dancing with her new friends. the breakup of the relationship wasn't nasty but I was hurt for a while. But looking back on it she was still looking to find herself and that person she is now is her calling (I've see her around and about, My best friend girlfriend is her friend so she's around but we do like to avoid each other and she's totally different to the girl I dated). I'm not agaisn't guy's dating younger women, just don't be shocked if they have a change of heart a few years down the line.

Matteroffact

There is nothing wrong with a 7 year age gap later on in life but when one party is only 19 and the other 26 then it can pose problems. I would just let this relationship take its course for the time being but be aware that things could change in a year or two. If you are not interested in the things that 19 year olds do then it might be better for you to find someone your own age. It would not be the future I would be worried about but the present. You need to have things in common with someone to enjoy their company. She will most definitely not be ready to settle down for at least 5 years so this may not be what you want. If you are still with this girl in a years time then you will have a clearer idea of whether it will work out or not. She will want to party with the rest of her student buddies and do all of the things, like going to concerts, that they do. This might not suit you. She won't get her degree for another 3 years and then she wants to travel, so where does that leave you ? You can enjoy the friendship for the time being but I don't think it has a long term future and if you are looking for someone to settle down with then this is not the perfect choice.

jaded_pause

Oh OP, you poor guy.

Here's all I have to say about this. There is exactly this age gap between myself and my OH and we met at exactly the same ages as you and your lady friend. And 8 years later we're planning children, and buying a house, all that good stuff!

Just go with the flow dear, and don't worry about silly things like age gaps!

The Old Guy

The Old Guy wrote: »

What worries me a little, is the crossroads I am at here, I am afraid that if we start dating now and it doesn't work out 2/3 years down the line, where that will leave me? I will be heading for 30 and back on the single scene, not that easy at that age.

Yet this has nothing to do with the age gap. The fact is we ALL have that exact same worry when we are about to committ to a relationship. We can ALL worry about "What if it goes to pot - where will I be then?".

You might be focussing that worry on the age gap - but truth is that worry will be there in any relationship. Do you think the potential is any less with a girl your own age to find yourself back on the "singles scene" in 3 years? 5? 10?

The best advice is to sit down and work out what you want from a relationship and have her do the same. Then work out if anything (not just the age gap but anything - such as her desire to travel) is going to preclude either of you getting what you want from a relationship together.

If you come out with nothing at the end - then go for it. If you come out with one or more things - then you simply have to make an easy decision. Compromise or Deal Breaker.