Coming out in the Staff Room

ongarboy

Hope it's ok to give this it's own thread but this article in this morning's Irish Times really resonated with me. While, thankfully I don't work in a profession where your orientation can be a potential problem, the references to self editing and discussing where you were on Friday or Saturday night among others hit home for me. Daft isn't it that even though I'm out to everyone who knows me and happy with it, I still feel uncomfortable in front of acquaintances when I have to mention what pubs I was in last night or when referring to my partner as he. Does that mean I'm still in the closet to an extent?

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/education/education-people-eileen-gamble-a-gay-teacher-on-coming-out-in-the-staffroom-1.1806611

Ten of Swords

ongarboy wrote: »

the references to self editing and discussing where you were on Friday or Saturday night among others hit home for me. Daft isn't it that even though I'm out to everyone who knows me and happy with it, I still feel uncomfortable in front of acquaintances when I have to mention what pubs I was in last night or when referring to my partner as he. Does that mean I'm still in the closet to an extent?

Good read, thanks for sharing that Fair play to the teacher in the article too.

I think if you, your friends and your family are happy with your sexuality then you're as out as you need to be, I find there is no need to mention it to every single person I cross paths with, although I do enjoy the reactions when the subject comes up unexpectedly and takes them by surprise! Usually there's no outwardly negative reaction but the momentary freeze in conversation followed by an awkward "yeah, you know, that's cool,"

I haven't really found myself self-editing or using gender neutral terms when talking about my relationships but I was initially surprised by the amount of people I've seen do it, it is normal behaviour and not a bad thing I don't think, I just didn't get it the first time I heard it, especially since I was the 'they' the person was referring to and I was standing right there! I guess it's awkward when you're trying to fit in with a group of lads and you can't gauge how their reaction will be.

The only times I've ever curbed what I was going to say was when I knew it would make my then boyfriend uncomfortable (if he was there at the time) or create an awkward situation for him if it got back to him.

J_E

I definitely have a change in how open or discreet I am with my sexuality depending on who I am talking to and who is asking. It's more I'm worried how some people will react and treat me after they realise I'm gay.

Ambersky

Ive always wanted to be able to act naturally around other people and to be able to integrate my sexuality and any relationships I might have in a relaxed way. I know some people are naturally more private than others and some people are more open but I dont really know where I fall on that line.
My thinking is that because of heteronormality people presume you are heterosexual until you declare you are not, or because you fall outside that norm in a way that makes it obvious without the need to self declare.
This makes it difficult to be natural under such a spotlight and coming out just never seems to end.

I do try to be natural and coming out in the staff room really did help but initially we had to go through a bit of tension, some goading, some backing away, some returning with questions, some support and questions and some quick endings of conversations along with a quick clean up and leaving of room.
It was worth it and I now have real friendships with work colleagues that I didnt have before. I dont know if that was because I held myself back in the past and people can just sense it or if I pushed them away or if people gravitate towards someone they have been through something with. Since then I have had so many colleagues put their arms around me and tell me they consider me a friend, that they love me, tell me about gay relatives and generally include me in a way I have never been included before. I had never been invited on a Hens Night before for example and the joking and banter was inclusive if a bit awkward at times and initiated by them not me.

Im not saying that is for everyone or that it will work out like that for everyone but it did for me. I took a risk I paid a price and it paid off.
Sometimes it pays to push your own boundaries, past what you dont think you can do, take risks and you may win.

Thats not the end of it for me however, it never ends this natural questioning getting to know who you are, where you come from, who are your people. Each time with each new person on a bus, at a party, a new neighbour, whatever, I have to evaluate the situation, is it safe, is it worth it, whats needed here, how do I feel right now, am I up to this, what would be their probable reaction, do I care........ and on and on.

I think its important to realise where this comes from and not to add the weight of it on our own shoulders as well as everything else. We didnt cause this situation, we were raised in a society that lets us know heterosexuality is whats expected and celebrated and that anything else can have negative consequences or it may not but you dont know and its your choice whether or not to take a gamble every time. The choices I think shape who you will become.

decentbloke

A very interesting article and my compliments to the teacher involved. I feel she is more acutely aware the part her sexuality plays in her career and the existence of Section 37 as she is not in permanent employment, and with that she has been exposed to alot of different working environments which have thrown up a variety of attitudes.

As a teacher in a rural area I can empathise. It is very unsettling to think that you could lose your job as a result of your sexuality. It nearly seems ironic to me that in a country that has introduced civil partnerships and whose Tánaiste recently branded gay marraige as the last major human rights issue of our times, that educators who happen to be gay live in fear. Even more ironic has been the inclusion of homophobic bullying in the new Anti-bullying policy guidelines to schools over the past few months. While this is a fantastic and progressive step it nearly begs hilarity that in the vast majority of Catholic ethos schools homosexuality cannot be seen to be promoted or approved of in any way yet we as teachers are somehow meant to safe guard young people who receive abuse for such things. It is such a contradiction to me that on paper we say it is wrong to bully someone for being gay...........but our ethos does not think it is ok nor can any teachers be gay. I find this deeply disturbing!

I just teach. Do my best. I have great relations with fellow staff, children and their parents. I care. That is all I can do. If at some point my sexuality becomes common knowledge I can only hope that these people whose children I have cared for, counselled, advised and educated will remember that I did my best. Likewise my staff members who I have supported, defeneded, looked out for, helped, laughed and worried with, will too not forget the person I am.

Personally there are certain parts of my life that I would not really discuss in my work place regardless of who I was seeing. Small schools in particular are very different work places where staffs work so closely together........they reflect family. They can be wonderful places in fairness. I do however wish that this was not an issue and that if I or any other teacher who happens to be gay wants to mention their partner or some aspect of their personal life that they should be able to do so without fear or worry.


Please God it'll soon be gotten rid of and I and so many like me can just get on with life.