We both want very different weddings

food_face

Hi everyone,

We got engaged recently and myself and himself have started discussing wedding plans. It turns out that we both have very different ideas about what we want! He wants the big wedding with all the extended family, friends, neighbours, parents friends etc. A rough count of everyone he wanted put us at 120 people minimum.
Me on the other hand, I want quite a small wedding. I can be quite shy and I don't like being the centre of attention - the thought of having 120 people there makes me panic!! I know 120 isn't actually a "big" wedding as wedding go,but for me it is, it's just not my idea of the wedding that I want.
So I kind of hinted that I was thinking smaller numbers but then it's very difficult to bring the numbers down without offending anyone, bar having just our 2 immediate families. But that would mean that some of the family and friends that I really do want there couldn't come.
One idea I had for bringing down numbers without offending was to just go abroad, and then the people who really want to go will make it - rather than just inviting people for the sake of it or because "you have to". I've always loved the idea of getting married abroad. Only problem is he is not keen on going abroad as he thinks it would be way too much work and not fair to ask people to fork out for flights.
(on another topic - he wants a church wedding and I don't as I'm not religious, but we'll tackle things one at a time!)
HELP!! I'm so confused!! Has anyone else had this problem? What did you do? I'm just terrified that I'll end up with this big wedding that I don't want and I will just end up worrying about it so much in the run up to it. I want to enjoy my day!!
Thanks xxx

Outkast_IRE

Would you consider it an option for just you and your partner to head abroad, bring a witness each and just get married. Quite a few people would do this in rome etc. And then have a party when you get home, at least then the pressure of the big day is off, and you can have any type of party you want, sit down meal with guests you decide on or all family party.

xalot

Had the exact same problem as you. My husband is from a huge family and if we would have been looking at a 300 person wedding if we had it in Ireland. I have a very small family and wanted to keep the wedding intimate. It was important for me to have friends at our wedding and not distant cousins or friends of our parents so we went abroad with 50 of our closest friends and family. (everyone we invited came).

We took a holiday and stayed in some of the places we were considering and once my husband saw the venue he totally fell in love. We had a week long family holiday and a wedding and it was perfect for us.

To keep it fair we only invited our main family, no aunts or uncles or cousins. We brought our godparents but that was it. I'm sure some of the in laws had the nose up but I only see them once I year, I can live with that!

We had a big party when we came back and I gave my husband and his family free reign on who was invited, we gave them a rake of blank invitations and told them to invite whoever they wanted! I didn't know half the people at the party but really didn't care. Actually had a really great night.

On the church thing, I wasn't into that either but since we got to have the foreign wedding I compromised on the ceremony.

The important thing is that you do what you are both comfortable with. No point trying to please anybody but yourselves.

PhoenixParker

Would you consider a small private ceremony and a big party afterwards?
You don't even have to go abroad. Have it in the morning with immediate families only, then go for a nice leisurely lunch.
Start the reception in the hotel (or wherever) with drinks at about 5 or 6 and do the classic big wedding reception thing.

One of my friends did something similar and as a guest it was great - much more relaxed than a normal wedding.
She had it on a Friday and local guests were able to work for the day, those of us driving from further away didn't have to worry about getting down the night before or two nights in a hotel.

lazygal

The attitude of going abroad because 'those who really want to make it will go' is not true. People can't travel abroad for weddings for loads of reasons. If one of my very close friends decided on a wedding abroad more than likely I wouldn't make it, because we've two small children and planning our family holiday around someone else's wedding isn't ideal. I wouldn't miss a sibling's wedding abroad, but for anyone else I'd be questioning whether its worth it.
If the numbers are what's bothering you, I would suggest deciding on a guest list of say 100 and having 50 each, so you're not surrounded by one side or the other. Or just have a very small ceremony with immediate family (the ceremony is the most important and stressful part I think) and then a 'normal' party afterwards.
I'd also decide on the church or otherwise well in advance. Once you decide on a church wedding you're into premarriage courses and making promises to raise children in the faith, have a church centered marriage, etc. I also found people who 'compromised' on a church wedding then ended up 'compromising' on christenings, communions and other sacraments.

food_face

Thanks so much for the quick replies!

Outkast_IRE wrote: »

Would you consider it an option for just you and your partner to head abroad, bring a witness each and just get married. Quite a few people would do this in rome etc. And then have a party when you get home, at least then the pressure of the big day is off, and you can have any type of party you want, sit down meal with guests you decide on or all family party.

I couldn't see this working, I do actually want to share the day with the people in my family that I am close to and my friends. While I don't want a big wedding, that would be too far in the opposite direction for me! Thanks though

xalot wrote: »

Had the exact same problem as you. My husband is from a huge family and if we would have been looking at a 300 person wedding if we had it in Ireland. I have a very small family and wanted to keep the wedding intimate. It was important for me to have friends at our wedding and not distant cousins or friends of our parents so we went abroad with 50 of our closest friends and family. (everyone we invited came).

We took a holiday and stayed in some of the places we were considering and once my husband saw the venue he totally fell in love. We had a week long family holiday and a wedding and it was perfect for us.

To keep it fair we only invited our main family, no aunts or uncles or cousins. We brought our godparents but that was it. I'm sure some of the in laws had the nose up but I only see them once I year, I can live with that!

We had a big party when we came back and I gave my husband and his family free reign on who was invited, we gave them a rake of blank invitations and told them to invite whoever they wanted! I didn't know half the people at the party but really didn't care. Actually had a really great night.

On the church thing, I wasn't into that either but since we got to have the foreign wedding I compromised on the ceremony.

The important thing is that you do what you are both comfortable with. No point trying to please anybody but yourselves.

That sounds lovely, quite like what I have in my head. Where did you get married? And how did you find it compared budget wise with a wedding at home?

PhoenixParker wrote: »

Would you consider a small private ceremony and a big party afterwards?
You don't even have to go abroad. Have it in the morning with immediate families only, then go for a nice leisurely lunch.
Start the reception in the hotel (or wherever) with drinks at about 5 or 6 and do the classic big wedding reception thing.

One of my friends did something similar and as a guest it was great - much more relaxed than a normal wedding.
She had it on a Friday and local guests were able to work for the day, those of us driving from further away didn't have to worry about getting down the night before or two nights in a hotel.

Yeah I can see where you're coming from, but the only thing is I would still end up with the big crowd on the day which is exactly what I don't want! I wouldn't mind an after party a few days/weeks after the wedding but for the wedding day itself I think I want to just keep it small. Thanks for the suggestion though.


I'm just not sure that himself will come round to the idea of a wedding abroad or a smaller wedding. He keeps saying we will do what makes us happy but then goes on to say we have to do xyz because "that's what you do" or "that's what people expect". I hate notions like that!

food_face

lazygal wrote: »

The attitude of going abroad because 'those who really want to make it will go' is not true. People can't travel abroad for weddings for loads of reasons. If one of my very close friends decided on a wedding abroad more than likely I wouldn't make it, because we've two small children and planning our family holiday around someone else's wedding isn't ideal. I wouldn't miss a sibling's wedding abroad, but for anyone else I'd be questioning whether its worth it.
If the numbers are what's bothering you, I would suggest deciding on a guest list of say 100 and having 50 each, so you're not surrounded by one side or the other. Or just have a very small ceremony with immediate family (the ceremony is the most important and stressful part I think) and then a 'normal' party afterwards.
I'd also decide on the church or otherwise well in advance. Once you decide on a church wedding you're into premarriage courses and making promises to raise children in the faith, have a church centered marriage, etc. I also found people who 'compromised' on a church wedding then ended up 'compromising' on christenings, communions and other sacraments.

Thanks Lazygal. Yeah I know I do have to take that into consideration I guess. When I was thinking of dates I was looking at school holidays so that people with children could come if they chose to or if their finances allowed it. I wouldn't expect that people have to come, I would be very understanding considering it were abroad.
For me a guest list of 100 would still be quite big! I'd be looking more around 50-60. But I just don't know how that would be feasible without being really mean about it. Also - I already "compromised" on a christening, on the basis that himself is the one who gets involved in communion/confirmation etc in the next few years...but that's a whole other days discussion!

xalot

That sounds lovely, quite like what I have in my head. Where did you get married? And how did you find it compared budget wise with a wedding at home?

I got married in Tuscany, Italy. We rented a villa for the week and everyone stayed on site. As it was self catering it was very inexpensive for our guests. The rooms were about €70 a night I think. Most nights we had a bbq and sat outside drinking beer from the local supermarket. Between Pisa, Bologna and Rome guests were able to source cheap flights that suited them. A lot of people came to the wedding then went on to Rome or Venice for a holiday of their own.

We probably paid more than we would have for a wedding here, it was €100 per guest but that included an outdoor garden reception buffet with prosecco and then a 5 course meal with wine and wedding cake. The civil stuff is very easy, we paid our caterer €400 to work as our wedding planner and take care of all the legal side of things and arrange hairdresser, flowers etc. She was fantastic. Photographer prices are similar to here. The church and priest was about €300 total I think.

As another poster mentioned, having a wedding abroad can alienate a lot of people but we gave everyone a years notice, set up a website with all the information on it and luckily everyone we wanted there was able to make it. At the time very few of our friends had children. It worked perfectly for us.

nosietoes

On the issue of the church wedding compromise, you can have a Catholic ceremony without consecration which helps a bit. So you'll have the readings, gospel and marriage but not do communion. It's not much, but it is the most holy/serious part of the mass.

Big Bag of Chips

If you don't want the big crowd on your day, then you could have the small intimate wedding with a meal out after for just immediate family on the day (maybe a Thursday/Friday?) and then the party bit on the Saturday night/following weekend.

If you would still like a few of your friends/cousins there to witness the day itself, then you are going to have to accept that your bf should also be allowed have his few friends/cousins etc that he wants there.. and are you then getting into the territory of offending some, or having a bigish crowd anyway, that you might as well just go for the big day!

I know of a couple who got married in the vestibule of the local theatre, it was beautiful - and then had a blessing in their local church on the way to the hotel. Not all guests went to the church as they were already on their way to the hotel. Might be a compromise for you both too?

Magicmatilda

Sounds like you are both going to have to comprimise - how you do that will probably set the scene for your wedding.

So he wants a church wedding you do not - OK

He wants a big wedding, you do not - OK

So would you comprimise on size for no church? would he comprmise on size for a small wedding?

Abroad could be a lovely option? As could a big informal wedding - where it is more of a party but you are not centre of attention, no grand entrance, no cake cutting, speeches made at the opposite end of the room to the main table, no first dance, just a big party.

Also is he going to plan every details of this big wedding he wants? Does he know how much it will entail?

Remember it is only one day and it is the marraige that counts.

I donlt envy you though - I fully intend to go away and have just me and him. To be honest I donlt think I would get married otherwise.

Faith

I'm sure there must be a way you can meet in the middle. Marriage is all about compromise, this is a good start! I'm kind of surprised that you didn't talk about it long before you got to the engagement stage.

What about a wedding with family, friends and extended family, but excluding neighbours and parents' friends? Or you'll get married in a church if he'll agree to a small guest list. Or you'll have a bigger guest list if he agrees to a civil ceremony.

To be honest, if my fiancé wanted a really small wedding, I'd be very disappointed. It's not nice to have to leave out people that you really want there, and by the sounds of it, you'll get everyone you want there but he'd have to cut his people substantially. So I think you'll both have to compromise and meet in the middle.

Also, before you finalise numbers, make sure you have an idea of your budget. That'll guide things a lot.

CelticRambler

lazygal wrote: »

Once you decide on a church wedding you're into premarriage courses and making promises to raise children in the faith, have a church centered marriage, etc.

Leaving aside the purely religious aspect, doing some kind of a pre-marriage course and working through all these topics is probably the most useful thing you could do. If you're poles apart on the question of the wedding, you ought to think about what else might see you having to make compromises. Like Faith says, marriage is all about compromises - but usually you understand and make the comprises before you commit ...

As far as the relatives are concerned, how many weddings will they go to between now and the date of yours? Remember, for them, it's just another glamourous party in the year, but it's going to be the one-and-only day for you and your financé, so don't let the thought/threat of relatives mess that up. At the same time, despite the stereotype, some of us lads do grow up with an idea of the kind of wedding we'd like and actually care about the flowers and the music and all that stuff ... so don't tread to heavily on his dreams!

food_face

Faith wrote: »

It's not nice to have to leave out people that you really want there, and by the sounds of it, you'll get everyone you want there but he'd have to cut his people substantially. So I think you'll both have to compromise and meet in the middle.
.

I never said that for a small wedding I would have everyone I want from my side and that he wouldn't. Sure a good few of the people from my side that are on the big list I wouldn't be pushed on having as I only see them once a year or barely know them. I could accept having everyone from our extended families if I had to, it's the neighbours (all his) and the parent's friends (again his) who I don't even know that I don't really want there!

But anyway, I guess we'll have to sit down tonight and have a good chat about it. I do like the idea above of an informal wedding, I guess that's what some of the appeal for me was in going abroad

Mrs OBumble

CelticRambler wrote: »

... doing some kind of a pre-marriage course and working through all these topics is probably the most useful thing you could do. If you're poles apart on the question of the wedding, you ought to think about what else might see you having to make compromises. ...

Indeed.

This is gonna make me sound like a right bitch but here goes:

OP, you've told us that you already have a kid together, and have worked thru the process of compromising about religious upbringing. You clearly have the communication skills to do this.

But yet it wasn't until after you got engaged that you found out just how far apart your desired wedding ceremony might be. Did you seriously never talk about it before? Have you never attended any family weddings and commented what happened there vs what you would like at your own (in the abstract) wedding?

Also, you don't want his neighbors there: Now, I can understand not wanting his distant cousins etc 'cos chances are that you'll hardly ever see them again. But neighbours, you will see lots of. And if he wants to invite them, then I'd say he expects them to be part of your lives in future.


Seems to me that you need to do some serious life-issues exploration together to work out who exactly you are marrying and whether your will have enough regard for that person once the glow of "love" (sic) wears off, and enough values in common to make sharing the rest of your lives feasible.

neemish

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Indeed.

This is gonna make me sound like a right bitch but here goes:

OP, you've told us that you already have a kid together, and have worked thru the process of compromising about religious upbringing. You clearly have the communication skills to do this.

But yet it wasn't until after you got engaged that you found out just how far apart your desired wedding ceremony might be. Did you seriously never talk about it before? Have you never attended any family weddings and commented what happened there vs what you would like at your own (in the abstract) wedding?

Also, you don't want his neighbors there: Now, I can understand not wanting his distant cousins etc 'cos chances are that you'll hardly ever see them again. But neighbours, you will see lots of. And if he wants to invite them, then I'd say he expects them to be part of your lives in future.


Seems to me that you need to do some serious life-issues exploration together to work out who exactly you are marrying and whether your will have enough regard for that person once the glow of "love" (sic) wears off, and enough values in common to make sharing the rest of your lives feasible.

Slightly OT but along the same lines...

From feedback, one of the most common topics that comes up at pre-marriage courses are issues are like this.

For example, discussing how finances are going to be arranged. Is there going to a joint or account, or is it what I earn is mine?

Another big one is how many children? After spending eighteen months planning a wedding DAY, most people haven't discussed this. She wants one/two, he wants a football team.

Talk about the wedding day, absolutely, but talk about all the days afterwards too!

jackofalltrades

food_face wrote: »

He wants the big wedding with all the extended family, friends, neighbours, parents friends etc. A rough count of everyone he wanted put us at 120 people minimum.
Me on the other hand, I want quite a small wedding.

Is he willing to put in the work for a large wedding?

I know a couple who were in the exact same situation you are in.
She didn't want the big wedding or to be married in a church. But in the end she agreed to it.
She was also stuck with doing all of the planning, which she found quite stressful.