married life isn't bliss

LegacyUser

I got married this year and am having major regrets about it. My wife just spends all the time finding problems with life and expecting me to fix everything. I can't go out and do anything i want anymore without a guilt trip, i am not talking about going drinking on Sat night with lads, i mean things like football training and matches, she claims its not fair on her because she can't do her things but i have paid for her gym and sports clubs but she just comes up with excuses not to go. Now i have put on weight and she is making comments about it.

Our sex life has died, anytime i try to initiate she rejects me so i just stopped, every now and then i get accused of having an affair because i won't try with her, seriously being knocked back so many times is just after killining my drive.

This woman is completely different to the one i started dating and i know as life goes on that people change and develop but i am starting to think i have made a major mistake and have found myself longing to be single and alone again.

Neyite

Were you together long before you got married? Any warning signs there?

Have you talked to her to try and find out why her expectations seem to have changed after marriage?

You both sound very unhappy.

LegacyUser

We were together for a year before we married.

I have tried talking to her about things, i have tried to get her to talk about why she dwells on the negative but there doesn't seem to be anything. The thing is i have broken my back to do everything i can to encourage her, help her to realise that if there is something wrong that she has the ability to fix it herself but she just dwells on the negatives,

For example she wants to pass her driving test but has only got her permit. She is complaining that she won't pass her test, she needs to do the lessons and apply for the test before she needs to start worrying about the actually test. Then i get it in the neck for trying to focus her on the things at hand.

I woke up the other night as she was hitting me with her elbow, i thought she was asleep at first but she only stopped when i paid wtf are you doing. Apparently i was taking up too much bed! I saw red and told her if she ever done that again she would be sleeping in a bed alone. Then i felt stupid for not walking into the spare room.

I don't think i can last in this relationship for too much longer, i just thought i would post here and see if getting things off my chest would help me feel a bit of relief.

CaraMay

Just make sure she doesn't get pregnant if you do have a night of passion.

ZENER

Run . . . slowly at first, but RUN !! The best Anaphrodisiac is wedding cake.

Seriously though I know where you're coming from, you got caught up in the whole "marrying" thing and organising the wedding, honeymoon and reception took over leaving you little or no time to consider your real feelings about getting married. Married life can be a little bit daunting at first, it's about compromise and balance, supporting each other and being friends. If the balance is swayed either way it can seem like one party is being pressurised. Try to remember how ye first clicked, what made ye laugh.

If football training was something you did before marriage then don't feel guilty about it - you are entitled to a hobby or two and to see your mates within reason. Starting something new which involves time away will need discussion and agreement - from both sides.

Your role is to support and encourage not to be a surrogate father figure.

Marriage isn't easy, it takes work. It's not for everyone - certainly wasn't for me - but when it works it wonderful. I see friends who are best friends with their spouse' the fact they are married is secondary, they just work together and complete each other.

What CaraMay says is worth thinking about though.

Ken

CaraMay

I read it again and think you should try counselling. If she won't or if it doesn't work then you need to leave. The sex isn't going to get better without a major overhaul by her and it doesn't sound like she wants that. She may decide she wants kids and will start getting romantic then but as I said above you want to make sure you want kids and that she isn't trying up trap you. It's probably not going to get better but definitely not without help.

LegacyUser

I just can't understand how somebody can only focus on the bad things or what might go wrong.

Thinking back i can't think of a time where we done something that we enjoyed without the underlying tone being well what if this happens what if that happens.

I am a believer in deal with problems if they arise and know your limitations. I know our house needs work done to it, few small things, few big things but i am the type of person that thinks the gas and lecky needsto be paid before we concentrate on landscaping the back yard.

I wouldn't be a great communicator when in an argument but normally i would just stay quiet. Last night i told her to shut the **** up, it just came out, never have i spoken to any of my partners like that but it just felt like ARRRRGH and then popped out.

CaraMay

Sounds like ye got on the marriage train without serious consideration as to whether or not ye actually liked each other.

Did you mention counselling?

ABajaninCork

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest. You've still got the wedding 'glow', and then there's the cold, hard reality of life together. In fact, there's a name for this - Post Wedding Blues or Post Wedding Depression. Google it. I'd lay money your wife has a case of it...

The year after we married was TOUGH!! He lost his job, I couldn't get one, and his mother died. Would've finished off most people married longer than us. But - we've stuck it out and still very happily married. We've had and still have our moments, but we talk through any problems. And my husband is a bit of a comedian, so we can laugh through the tears too.

You met and married very quickly. Did you live together before you married? Were there any indications that you and your wife might not be compatible?

And Cara May's right. Don't even THINK about bringing kids into the equation until you both know what you want. Get counselling - for you, if not both of you.

Hope it works for you - whatever you decide.

Napoleonbonbon

Regretfully yours wrote: »

I got married this year and am having major regrets about it. My wife just spends all the time finding problems with life and expecting me to fix everything. I can't go out and do anything i want anymore without a guilt trip, i am not talking about going drinking on Sat night with lads, i mean things like football training and matches, she claims its not fair on her because she can't do her things but i have paid for her gym and sports clubs but she just comes up with excuses not to go. Now i have put on weight and she is making comments about it.

Our sex life has died, anytime i try to initiate she rejects me so i just stopped, every now and then i get accused of having an affair because i won't try with her, seriously being knocked back so many times is just after killining my drive.

This woman is completely different to the one i started dating and i know as life goes on that people change and develop but i am starting to think i have made a major mistake and have found myself longing to be single and alone again.

how old are the two of you?

Legs.Eleven

Do you love her, OP?

Neyite

It sounds like she was all about the wedding then, and not the marriage. Now that the ring is on the finger, and there is no fun stuff to plan where she is at the epicentre of it, getting attention, life has returned back to the humdrum and you are a convenient scapegoat for all that is wrong with her life that she cant be arsed to change.

If counselling is shot down, you may need to resort to shock tactics - tell her you want to separate because you are not happy with the way she treats you. But only if you are prepared to see it through.

Whirlwinds can and do work, but like any harmonious relationship it does require both to work at it. If she is not prepared to, then you should acknowledge that you did your best and it failed through no fault of your own. You've posted three times on this thread, and not once have you mentioned that you love her. Do you even remember the last time you felt like you did, I wonder.

Merkin

Your posts are desperately sad because you both sound absolutely miserable.

The first year of marriage isn't easy but a lot of things worth having aren't - it seems that the fundamental things that keep you together between arguments and finding your feet are lacking, i.e. lots and lots of sex, a great deal of laughing and new adventures; it seems like both of you are just unhappy, resentful and disappointed with how things are panning out.

Do you want this to work? Or are you happy to walk away? Did you get married in an RC Church? If so, I should imagine you qualify for an annulment given how rapidly things have gone t1ts up.

If you do want it to work, then you both really have to invest wholeheartedly in marriage counselling. That's all dependent on both of you wanting it to work however and whether you actually even love one another, which has not come up in any of your posts incidentally.

Essentially, it's make or break time. Either way you need to sit down and decide if you want to a. make a go of things and seek therapy or b. decide not to drag the arse out of it, realize you made a mistake and part ways. I'd advise doing this sooner rather than later because your situation as it is, is entirely untenable.

sadie06

OP there is no mention of love in your post. Do you love her? Does she love you? Did you fall hard for each other? I suspect you did as it would explain how swiftly you married.

Was your wedding day a happy time, or were you already suspecting that things were not right? You need to move swiftly on this. Sit her down at a time when there is no argument going on, and spell it out: 'this is not what I signed up for'.

Did your partner push to get married so quickly? It seems to me that she thought marriage was the Holy Grail, and quickly realised that it doesn't transform you into a happy person. She has to do that for herself.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly, it sounds like you two really should've dated more than a year before getting married. I see this happen to people who rush into marriage all the time, unfortunately, you've managed to jump the gun and skip the long engagement - which is best in sudden proposal situations. Ireland is chronic for it, and the old-school expectations are constantly hovering over any relationship. The old saying 'love is blind, marriage is a pair of glasses' applies here...I wish it didn't, but here we are.

However, I would say that it seems your wife has some mental health issues, judging by her anxiety, paranoia and non-existent sex drive, so she could have depression, or an offset of depression. My advice? Try counselling, everyone is suggesting it here so it may help; figure out what caused everything to turn to crap, it could take a while, but you may find that all that was necessary was a moderator who challenges your assumptions to put things back on track. Otherwise, try separation and divorce. I know it seems like a giant leap but really, this is who she is. Sorry to be blunt, but you don't get to know someone well unless you're with them for a couple of years, move in with them, and let the 'new relationship shine' wear off. You're obviously having a terrible, miserable time, she is too, and the both of you seem mismatched. Talk it out with her, try counselling and if all else fails, try an amicable divorce.

wersal gummage

Merkin wrote: »

The first year of marriage isn't easy..... .

I don't mean to single you out here, your statement here is just one example of what I've seen a few people suggest. I also don't wish to drag this off topic but could you please elaborate on why the first year of marriage is difficult? This is a very genuine question, I don't have any particular views. I just find it odd that it would be. I've always assumed that if two people are happy, getting married doesn't really change anything (apart from everything in legal, taxation, medical and so on). I'm wondering whether I am being slightly naive? I mean, years ago of course people only lived together after marriage and of course that is a huge change and challenge. But in modern times, most people are living together for quite some time before marriage and, after a quick honeymoon, I'd have assumed things just carry on as before??

I hope I'm not being rude if this is off topic, but perhaps the OP is like me and also doesn't understand any of what these first year difficulties might be?

nc19

In fairness, a yr isnt a long time to know someone before marrying them. I was with my missus 8 yrs before we got engaged and 4 more before we got married.

imo, get out now. If its like this i doubt it will get better but if it did get better how long before it goes back to this.

life is waaaay too short to spent 1 day in a situation you are not happy in

ABajaninCork

wersal gummage wrote: »

I don't mean to single you out here, your statement here is just one example of what I've seen a few people suggest. I also don't wish to drag this off topic but could you please elaborate on why the first year of marriage is difficult? This is a very genuine question, I don't have any particular views. I just find it odd that it would be. I've always assumed that if two people are happy, getting married doesn't really change anything (apart from everything in legal, taxation, medical and so on). I'm wondering whether I am being slightly naive? I mean, years ago of course people only lived together after marriage and of course that is a huge change and challenge. But in modern times, most people are living together for quite some time before marriage and, after a quick honeymoon, I'd have assumed things just carry on as before??

I hope I'm not being rude if this is off topic, but perhaps the OP is like me and also doesn't understand any of what these first year difficulties might be?

Some of the first year difficulties are mentioned in my post on the first page. OK - ours were 'off the scale'. But there's also:

Learning to work as a team. Bit different to living together, IMO.
There might be financial difficulties - especially if you're still paying off the wedding.
Children! When? How many? How do you agree on a parenting style?? -That's if you don't have any already!
Sharing the running of the household. I've heard of men thinking 'I'm married now. That gives me a free pass from the housework, and running of the home.' NO IT DOESN'T!! Expectations need to be agreed and managed...
When you're married - you can't just walk away if you hit a bump in the road. You have to work a little harder at ironing out difficulties. Cheap to get married, but bloody expensive to get out of it...

That's all I can think of for now with an empty tum and no fags!! I'm sure someone wiser than I can come along and either agree or disagree with my post.

dizzymiss

Napoleonbonbon wrote: »

how old are the two of you?

I was just wondering this too. A year doesn't seem like a very long to be together before getting married. Especially nowadays. You're really only starting to get to know each other at that stage. Maybe that's just me. Sorry im not very helpful.