Upset with wife

LegacyUser

Not sure if i'm overreacting or am right to be upset. Basically I had surgery last week to get my appendix removed - surgery was after midnight and we've two young babies (twins - 7 months old) so my wife left the hospital at 9 that evening to get some sleep as she'd be up with them during the night if they woke (possibly once each for 5/10 mins) as there was a bit of debate whether it would happen that night. I got the go ahead later and was taken down to theater. I found it very daunting being on my own facing the operation even if it is routine enough.

I got back to recovery after 2 and was quite sore and sleepy - though didn't sleep much with a noisy ward. The night nurses were brilliant - needed help with most things as couldn't really move my stomach. The day staff not so much and I kinda got ignored. Thing is I expected my wife to be in first thing to see me - however she only arrived in at 10.30.

I really could have done with her coming in earlier and it kinda upset me as I felt pretty lonely just lying there by myself. On one hand I understand she had to get the babies up at 7, but I just kinda assumed she'd get my mother or somebody to take them then and be in asap. She did get my mother to mind them from half 9 once she got them down for their morning nap but I just can't help but feel hurt as I know if it was the other way around I'd have been beating down the door to get in at 6 to see her and make sure she was okay. Like when she had the twins I got up at 6.30 every morning and was in by 7.30 and stayed till the last train at 11.30 to help her out.

The vulnerability after surgery plays apart no doubt, it just felt really odd for nobody to come see me until mid morning the next day. I couldn't do much for myself and there is only so much you can ask the nurses, really could have done with a hand for changing clothes, getting to the toilet etc. I dunno I just can't help but feel a little let down by her.

Anyway fast forward from Monday morning to Saturday and she goes off to a friends hen and leaves me to look after the toddlers - my mother helped during the day as I was still sore lifting and moving them around but I was on my own for the night, which didn't go too well and I got about 3 hours sleep total and minded them until after lunch the next day. I felt this was all a bit much 6 days post operation. Admittedly I should have said it to her but I was still a bit surprised, in particular, she didn't make any effort to get home earlier the next day after she knew I had a really tough night with them. She blames her friends being slow to get packed up and says she needed a lift but i can't see why she couldnt of got a train home or drove so she could leave early. Just feels a bit like the hen was bit more important.

Again i think if roles were reversed I might not have even stayed the night in the hotel (only in Dublin city centre - 20 miles away) and would have come home to help her. So I don't feel like getting home a few hours earlier is too much to ask?

Anyway thoughts welcome.

Merkin

Re the appendectomy and its aftermath I think you're being a bit of a baby quite frankly. I think she did very well to get into the hospital for 10.30am considering she had two busy babies to deal with and had been there until quite late the evening before. It's not like you were on your own and the nurses are always on hand if you're in discomfort or need assistance.

In relation to the hen, it was probably a bit much to stay out all night if you're still tender and mobility is limited. In saying that, you should have said it to her and tell her you weren't feeling up to it.

Do you think you're maybe feeling a bit neglected/forgotten since the twins arrived and that's what this is about?

ABajaninCork

First things first. Have you actually spoken to your wife about this?

loalae

It sounds like you both have different ideas about what one should expect from a spouse. She's not a mind-reader (I presume) so you might just have to tell her what you expect from her and, if she has a problem with it, come to some compromise.

I don't think coming to visit you mid-morning is unreasonable especially since she had 2 very young children to care for - chances are she didn't either.

In relation to the hen, maybe it wouldn't have been too much to ask for her to stay at home and not in a hotel but you don't know because you didn't ask.

You seem to be feeling bad because your wife doesn't know how you feel or what you expect from her without you having to say it to her. I'm sorry to break it to you but if you want your needs understood you're going to have to communicate them.

retro:electro

I'm sorry but you sound like a complete baby. Six days post op you should be absolutely fine, I went back to work 5 days after getting my appendix out, they use keyhole surgery so the recovery time is literally days. Your wife was at the hospital at 10:30 am and probably had her hands full that morning with two young babies and you're still complaining? Seriously you are a grown man quit whining.

Addle

What are visiting hours?
Most hospitals are very strict regarding visitors, and most visiting hours don't begin 'til afternoon.

bee06

Yeah, you're being a baby ... You were having routine surgery not open heart surgery.

Regarding the hen, maybe she thought if you didn't feel up to it you would have told her? As another poster said, she's not a mind reader.

Tasden

Perhaps she felt you might enjoy the time alone to rest in hospital considering you usually have to be looking after babies. She could have been allowing you time to rest and heal without interruption from her.

But until you talk to her you'll never know her reasons, and she'll never know why exactly you're upset.

Dozen Wicked Words

Calling a poster a baby or weak etc because he still has pain after an operation is ridiculous. There are a myriad of ways the appendix can cause more pain for one person than another. It can stick to different bits of anatomy, more or less inflammed, bigger or smaller. Etc etc etc Peoples pain thresholds are also VERY different. OP may just have a low pain threshold.

Saying that, grown adults rarely, if ever have people there with them pre op for a "straightforward" (again bit of a generalisation) operation. Visiting isn't until the afternoon in any hospital I know of.

Regarding you looking after the kids, if you discussed it with your wife and said you couldn't manage why not just get a sitter. If you didn't discuss it I have zero sympathy.

dellas1979

I dont doubt you were in pain/uncomfortable - but Id say maybe your wife was clueless.

Like other posters here, regarding visiting at 10.30am, first I would assume "he has loads of medical staff around him and probably resting" and second regarding the hen, 6 days post op, you should almost be fully recovered, if not fully recovered. If you didnt communicate this to your wife (how you were feeling) how was she supposed to know?

I dont think you are a big baby, cause babies cant communicate verbally - you can.

I will go on what you've said, but I just can help shake the feeling (as one picks up on here sometimes) that there is another side/under lying issue to this. Like do you find yourself looking for/seeking attention from your wife (a lot)?

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the pep talk. Please lock the threads mods before I get bashed further. Seems I ve just been feeling sorry for myself.

3DataModem

Tasden wrote: »

Perhaps she felt you might enjoy the time alone to rest in hospital considering you usually have to be looking after babies. She could have been allowing you time to rest and heal without interruption from her.

But until you talk to her you'll never know her reasons, and she'll never know why exactly you're upset.

Exactly. I went in with cellulitis when my twins were one and it was like a holiday. Chatting to motorbike accident victims, backing horses, and reading.

Tokyo

Closed at OP's request.