Wedding Numbers

Radioheader

We got engaged last week, and it has been so exciting, but also very stressful.

We are getting married in Spring of next year and already a lot of the venues we are looking at are getting busy for that time (our dream venue has no Saturdays left from Feb-May), so we have to consider booking a venue now, even though we would like to relax and take it all in for a couple of weeks.

We need to sort our numbers out before making a booking and it is proving difficult. My fiancé, understandably, doesn't want a massive wedding as she thinks it would lose its intimacy. She doesn't want to go above 150/160.

I want a bigger wedding - more like 210-230. My family, uncles, aunts and 8 favourite cousins add up to 50 guests alone; and I have lots of strands of friends - school, college, work; before considering my parent's friends. I struggle to see how I can keep it under 200-210 without not inviting some friends that I consider very close.

So three questions really:
Is there a big difference in intimacy between a 160 wedding and a 200 wedding?
Am I being ridiculous in wanting 220 at the wedding?
Any tips on how to get the numbers down?

Flippyfloppy

Radioheader wrote: »

We got engaged last week, and it has been so exciting, but also very stressful.

We are getting married in Spring of next year and already a lot of the venues we are looking at are getting busy for that time (our dream venue has no Saturdays left from Feb-May), so we have to consider booking a venue now, even though we would like to relax and take it all in for a couple of weeks.

We need to sort our numbers out before making a booking and it is proving difficult. My fiancé, understandably, doesn't want a massive wedding as she thinks it would lose its intimacy. She doesn't want to go above 150/160.

I want a bigger wedding - more like 210-230. My family, uncles, aunts and 8 favourite cousins add up to 50 guests alone; and I have lots of strands of friends - school, college, work; before considering my parent's friends. I struggle to see how I can keep it under 200-210 without not inviting some friends that I consider very close.

So two questions really:
Is there a big difference in intimacy between a 160 wedding and a 200 wedding?
Am I being ridiculous in wanting 220 at the wedding?

Does your list include plus ones that are a courtesy? A lot of people won't bring plus ones if with family /friends.

Also statistically it's recommended account for 10-20% decline rate. You'd be seriously surprised at the amount of people who can't make it for genuine reasons!

So if you're including some plus ones who aren't partners, I wouldn't think you're wrong with 220, you might end up with closer to your wife to be's numbers after all!

stargazer 68

Personally I think 200 is waaay too many but that's me.

You need to sit down and write a list of everyone and then start crossing them off. School and college friends??? If you haven't seen them in the last year then cross them off.

I read an article recently that said if you wouldn't buy them a cup of coffee during the year why would you buy them dinner?

Berty

Most hotels will have a minimum numbers like 120 to cover their costs/margins on other items so just book a venue you like where it might have the capacity to cover your kind of numbers as well. If you end up having 120 then so be it and if you end up having 200 then so be it also.

At least you will have a venue and can worry about the numbers later on.

We have our wedding this September and can fit 250 in the room and still have no idea how many will actually RSVP. It could be anywhere from 120-150. :rolleyes:

folan

I'm in a similar position. The venue has a limit of 200, we have a list of 216 currently, after some cutting. My partner decided on the place, the smaller of the 2 options we had. She didn't realise how many people she would be inviting (her side of guest list is nearly trice mine).

Its a winter wedding, so we are unsure if we can count on the 10% drop out rate. we are considering having 2 sets of invites, just incase we can get away with doing so. but its kinda ****ty knowing that we have to drop some friends or have them on a secondary list, but unfortunatly thats where we are now.

we are not inviting all the weddings we have been at either.
Friends of parents have been cut, causing issues with parents.

Enjoy the rest of the wedding planning. the list is the only stressful part we have encountered thus far.

lazygal

From experience of my own wedding and that of my friends (I'm at the stage of life where we're all getting hitched) I'll say the following. You'll be surprised who'll decline, both family and friends. You'll also be surprised when what you thought were close friends aren't people you'll invite when the time comes to sending invitations. You'll also be surprised who'll make the effort to come and who will leave it until the last minute to tell you they won't be coming. And you'll be surprised when people don't show up on the day.
I also think you need to be wary of one 'side' vastly outnumbering the other. I've been to weddings where the bride or groom had a really large family and loads of friends, and the other had a small family and a close circle of friends. It was a bit lopsided. For this reason myself and my husband had a 50% each allocation.
I wouldn't get hung up on asking friends of parents or family members you're not close to. People might get huffy (in my case someone didn't come because they got the hump about someone else not being asked) but there's nothing worse than rent a crowd weddings full of duty invites. We had 90 at our day and got to speak to everyone and knew everyone there.

Radioheader

Every one of my friends that I intend inviting I meet at least 4-5 times a year for lunch and/or drinks, so they are definitely in the close friends category. I will be leaving out (even with 100+ on my list alone) friends who I meet 3-4 times a year. My aunts and uncles I meet regularly and the 8 cousins I am inviting again I meet regularly, at least 5 or 6 times a year.

I have allowed for 8 not bringing +1's because their partner is deceased; and I am still stuck on 100 on just my list! I have allowed my parents just one table of 10 friends.

Is there is a big difference in intimacy between a 160 wedding and a 200 wedding?

Jerrica

The other thing to consider is that even with a modest number you absolutely won't get a chance to talk to everyone on the day, nowhere near it. We had 120-ish and for quite a while afterwards I felt immensely guilty because I felt that I hadn't had the chance to properly speak to everyone who'd made the effort to come along. If I were to do it again (not a hope mind you, horribly stressful event :pac:) I'd keep numbers very small so that I could truly be a part of what was happening.

As a guest at weddings I've never felt neglected if I didn't get much face time with the B&G mind you, but when it was my turn to host, well, it just didn't sit right with me.

Radioheader

Beer Baron wrote: »

Most hotels will have a minimum numbers like 120 to cover their costs/margins on other items so just book a venue you like where it might have the capacity to cover your kind of numbers as well. If you end up having 120 then so be it and if you end up having 200 then so be it also.

At least you will have a venue and can worry about the numbers later on.

We have our wedding this September and can fit 250 in the room and still have no idea how many will actually RSVP. It could be anywhere from 120-150. :rolleyes:

That's a fair point, the hotel has a minimum of 120 and a max of 250, so we can just book it and decide on numbers at a later date.

Flippyfloppy

Radioheader wrote: »

That's a fair point, the hotel has a minimum of 120 and a max of 250, so we can just book it and decide on numbers at a later date.

Regarding intimacy, I don't think there's too much difference between 160 & 200. Intimate weddings can be ranging between 40 guests up to 100. My own wedding we had 110 on the day and it felt intimate.

As you said you literally are intimate with all of your guests so it will be fine. If these are people you really want to invite just go ahead and don't worry about numbers.

You will definitely have a good few declines anyway, for the randomnest of reasons. It's nearly worse when people decline & you invited them & cut someone else out instead.

Also, check out where the bridal party will be sitting at dinner. If you have 200 guests and a long narrow room it will feel a bit impersonal for those at the back. I was at a wedding last year with maybe 350 or so at it, we were at the front near top table but I honestly didn't even see the guests at the back because of the sheer volume. At my own wedding we sat on a circular table in the middle of ten or so tables of 12, it made it very personal.

kkcatlou

Hi Radioheader.

We had a very similar issue to you number wise. Although both of us agreed that we'd like to keep numbers to 150, I'm very close to my extended family and that brought my numbers to 60 before adding any friends.

After a decent cull (starting with parents friends, moving onto work people, ending with friends we haven't seen in a few years), we got the invite list down to 210, but assuming most single people won't bring a +1 (all will be invited with one), a good few overseas people won't come, and natural fall off, I'm confident we'll get the actual numbers on down to 160-170. (He's less confident though, and wants to do another cull, I just can't see where we'll cull from). Our venue has a max capacity of 180, but 160 would be a lot more comfortable.

Good luck with it. Going above 180 will definitely limit venue choice if you don't want a hotel, but if you're happy with a hotel function room, you should be grand!

I wouldn't worry too much about the chatting to everyone thing. Regardless of numbers, everybody says it's very hard, you can only do your best!

MammaZita

Nothing worse than a wedding full of old aunts, uncles and friends of parents unless you're incredibly close to them. Friends over extended family. I've been to weddings where the average age was 60 whereas the bride and groom were in their 30's...

DavyD_83

Radioheader wrote: »

That's a fair point, the hotel has a minimum of 120 and a max of 250, so we can just book it and decide on numbers at a later date.

Just a warning, one thing guaranteed to reduce the feeling of intimacy is using a room much bigger than required.

120 people in a room capable of taking 250, will feel empty and strange even though it is a pretty big crowd.

pwurple

MammaZita wrote: »

Nothing worse than a wedding full of old aunts, uncles and friends of parents unless you're incredibly close to them. Friends over extended family. I've been to weddings where the average age was 60 whereas the bride and groom were in their 30's...

That's harsh. Are we are only allowed be friends with people within five years of my own age? My neighbours and family friends, grandaunts etc came to mine, and were as much craic as anyone else. My grandad tore up the dancefloor, twas adorable!

lazygal

Some of the oldies showed us how it was done on the dance floor at our wedding.

Radioheader

Thanks for the tips guys. I definitely want my friends there; but also definitely wants my aunts and uncles there as they are great craic and I am very close to them, closer than I am to my cousins to be honest, maybe because I am the eldest cousin!

I am going to push for 190/200, and hopefully we will end up with 170, which seems like a nice number to me.

Herself is fairly set on 160 invites max. though so it will be a bit of a battle!

SteM

lazygal wrote: »

...You'll be surprised who'll decline, both family and friends. You'll also be surprised when what you thought were close friends aren't people you'll invite when the time comes to sending invitations. You'll also be surprised who'll make the effort to come and who will leave it until the last minute to tell you they won't be coming. And you'll be surprised when people don't show up on the day...

+1 to all of this. Weddings bring out the crazy in people.

OP, there is really no difference between 160 and 200 when it comes to the 'intimacy' at a wedding. It's a busy evening that goes by so quickly that you miss out speaking to an awful lot of people in any meaningful way. If you want an intimate wedding invite 50 people, that sounds like it's never going to happen in your case though. If money isn't a huge for you then push your fiancée for the larger amount that you want.

xzanti

We're estimating about 120