Need advice

diamond090809

Me and my boyfriend been together for a year now! Everything been fine! Last year he whent to world championship in ice-hokey, there he met some women just friends but not close, this year he whent again (10day) and the woman also was going with her boyfriend but before the holiday there relationship ended.so my boyfriend and his friends took care of her there so she doesn't be alone!know they have become very close friends in such a short time! She is texting him"how are you hows work life maby something else but I don't know! I think she is interested but not sure! He said there friends and nothing more! She also knows were are together but still texting kiss to him! I have talked to him and he understands but he said there friends that it! Even since he is back he is texting different"he noticed also ", but he said he needs time to adjust from all the drinking to come back to realityand then everything should be fine .il say also she lives in Norway and we live in Ireland!and an other thing is I don't trust noone 100% because of my past relationship were I have been cheated on. I just don't know if she respect that were together or she is interested in him,he said he's not that she is pretty but there friends! I don't know what exactly there texting each other!il also say that we have a big age difference iam 21 and he is 34 but it hasn't been a problem we understand each other and everything is fine except this situation now. I never met the woman my self so maby that's an other reason for my feelings! I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend and tear our relationship apart because of it if there is no reason!
Really need someone advice!

Czarcasm

Honestly OP from reading your post it sounds like you're in way over your head here and your boyfriend doesn't consider your feelings at all. He too seems quite immature for his age telling you he "needs to come down from the drinking" and texting some girl from Norway he met on holidays.

You're trying not to sound like the jealous girlfriend but y'know what? You're 21. You shouldn't have to be feeling like you have to deal with this sort of mess or feel this insecure about your relationship. You should be able to talk to your boyfriend and not have to bottle things up.

You should be having FUN OP, not getting into anything serious, and right now it doesn't sound like you're having a whole lot of fun in your relationship.

diamond090809

Czarcasm wrote: »

Honestly OP from reading your post it sounds like you're in way over your head here and your boyfriend doesn't consider your feelings at all. He too seems quite immature for his age telling you he "needs to come down from the drinking" and texting some girl from Norway he met on holidays.

You're trying not to sound like the jealous girlfriend but y'know what? You're 21. You shouldn't have to be feeling like you have to deal with this sort of mess or feel this insecure about your relationship. You should be able to talk to your boyfriend and not have to bottle things up.

You should be having FUN OP, not getting into anything serious, and right now it doesn't sound like you're having a whole lot of fun in your relationship.

We do talk and he assured me there friends! Before this our relationship was fine small problems but we talked and forgot about it!It's me, I don't believe it cos of my past! But not so sure if she understands or if I can trust her!
Were planning to move in together in couple of weeks! He has met my family and my daughter from previous relationship and excepts it!
I just don't know!!?

Czarcasm

OP whether you can trust her or not, is irrelevant. She's in Norway. Your boyfriend is the person you should be concerned with here, and his attitude towards you and his behavior even more so. You genuinely shouldn't allow yourself to be so easily dismissed as if the problem is with you and not with your boyfriend texting another woman.

These are the kinds of things you need to sort out and get out in the open before you move in together. If you feel you can't talk to him because you're afraid of sounding jealous, well that's basically giving him free license to do what he likes and you'll just put up with it. That's going to create a hell of an atmosphere when you're living together and there's gonna be tension between you both, and your daughter is going to pick up on it as she gets older. You need to sit your boyfriend down for a serious talk before you move in together.

strobe

She's in Norway and he's in Ireland and they text each other occasionally after becoming friends? Slap yourself hard and then focus on your relationship. I wholeheartedly believe more relationships have ended because one person has been overly jealous than relationships have ended because one person was cheating. They're in different countries?

Look, talk to him, tell him you're a bit jealous, you know it's silly but need a little reassurance, and see what he says.

jellyboy

Hi op

Even though you have said it a few times ,your still not acting on it

I don't believe it cos of my past! But not so sure if she understands or if I can trust her!

He has told you they are friends ,and you have to accept that until you know different ,just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean he can't have women friends,neither should you have not male friends

I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend and tear our relationship apart because of it if there is no reason!

theres something about this turning into a self fulling prophecy,think it and it will happen ..

It reads like that your mind is overreacting and not allowing the heart to feel
Get help in whatever shape,form you see fit
if you don't then it will keep happening again ,with the next guy ..

diamond090809

strobe wrote: »

She's in Norway and he's in Ireland and they text each other occasionally after becoming friends? Slap yourself hard and then focus on your relationship. I wholeheartedly believe more relationships have ended because one person has been overly jealous than relationships have ended because one person was cheating. They're in different countries?

Look, talk to him, tell him you're a bit jealous, you know it's silly but need a little reassurance, and see what he says.

It's not Occasionally it's everyday since his back, his back almost a week! And they are very long texts, like explain everything in grate detail what they did etc! Maby am a little jealous but it's not the fact there friends but I feel things are a little different since his back and texting me different! He knows iam and he said there friends but do friends text essay messages and in grate detail if they know each other for 10 days???

LegacyUser

diamond090809 wrote: »

It's not Occasionally it's everyday since his back, his back almost a week! And they are very long texts, like explain everything in grate detail what they did etc! Maby am a little jealous but it's not the fact there friends but I feel things are a little different since his back and texting me different! He knows iam and he said there friends but do friends text essay messages and in grate detail if they know each other for 10 days???

but they don't know each other 10 days, you said yourself he knows her from the last time he went to this sporting event, the difference is the spent more time together this time round. If he goes to this event every year then clearly it's something he is massively into, so is this girl if she still went without her now ex BF and I assume you are not OP into this sport. I don't think it's that strange to be exited after a big event like that ans exchange emails/texts with others who were there, it may that you feel left out of the whole thing. Yes she may be a little full on given her recent break up and is being clingy to the guys who were nice to her at this event but it's not her you have issue with its your BF, you either trust him or you don't end of. But I'll share my experience of having a partner obsessively into something you are not:

My husband is massively into a band that I am indifferent towards. I've been with him a few times to see them when it's local to us but I wouldn't go out of my way to see them. My husband on the other hand has followed this band around the world several times. He has many friends who are also into this band, both male and female and he has traveled with these friends for up to 3 weeks around Europe going to concerts. He has even shared hotel rooms with female friends but I have never had any issue as I trust him 100%. Normally for the week after he comes back he will talk for hours about how awesome they were this time round and what they changed/added/left out etc etc. I'm happy to listen and I love seeing how excited he gets but I'm just not into this band enough to really care to level he is at so he texts his friends. After a week or so the buzz wears off until they announce their next tour.

diamond090809

jellyboy wrote: »

Hi op

Even though you have said it a few times ,your still not acting on it




He has told you they are friends ,and you have to accept that until you know different ,just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean he can't have women friends,neither should you have not male friends



theres something about this turning into a self fulling prophecy,think it and it will happen ..

It reads like that your mind is overreacting and not allowing the heart to feel
Get help in whatever shape,form you see fit
if you don't then it will keep happening again ,with the next guy ..

He can have woman friends, he has them more then guy friends, I have no problem with that and i didn't before! he has a woman friend for 14 years and they talk from time to time! I have met her also!
But this woman he knows for 14 days in two years time! And texting each other long messages, she sending him kiss! With that said he is texting me different and acting! I have asked is our relationship fine he said "yes that there is no problem. He still feels the same " but I don't know!!! That's why I asked for advice! No judgments!

meeeeh

There might be something going on or there might not. It's up to you to trust him or not.

As for kiss in the texts and long texts, it might be just cultural differences or even trying to squeeze as much as possible in one text to avoid sending more. I don't know but if I understand she is from Norway and texting etiquette could be completely different there.

Btw who won? I didn't even know it was going on.

Maphisto

OP Have you read the texts from the Norwegian girl, and then seen your bf's replies?

diamond090809

meeeeh wrote: »

There might be something going on or there might not. It's up to you to trust him or not.

As for kiss in the texts and long texts, it might be just cultural differences or even trying to squeeze as much as possible in one text to avoid sending more. I don't know but if I understand she is from Norway and texting etiquette could be completely different there.

Btw who won? I didn't even know it was going on.

That's the thing were all from the same country,but we live here and she lives in Norway! So there wouldn't be any cultural differences! I don't think so because they both are Replying with big detail in the texts. I don't know what they tak about its just I kinda seen one from her very long, I asked my boyfriend what she say, he answered " That she is tired from work and fell asleep that's why didn't reply back! and the they before I asked do us tak everyday he said no but then the next day she texted " are you still alive " as in they haven't talked!
In my opinion a woman should respect that he is in a relationship which she knows about! And shouldn't text texts like that! Maby he is wrong also by Reply!
PS: I do like the sport,I watched all the games from home! Iam not crazy about it like he is but I do like it and it's very interesting! and would go to the championship live!!


The final is today so il know later who won!

diamond090809

Maphisto wrote: »

OP Have you read the texts from the Norwegian girl, and then seen your bf's replies?

No I asked him, and he answered, I just don't know if it's true or what else there taking about and what kind of texts the exchanging, but I wouldn't go true his phone it's his privacy I wouldn't like him going true mine! We respect each other in that way!

Maphisto

diamond090809 wrote: »

No I asked him, and he answered, I just don't know if it's true or what else there taking about and what kind of texts the exchanging, but I wouldn't go true his phone it's his privacy I wouldn't like him going true mine! We respect each other in that way!

Well as unpleasant as it is, you have the "proof" if you want it of either an affair or not.

How about if explained that you were not happy with this woman texting him, that it made you feel insecure and uncertain about your shared future and in that context you asked him if you could see the texts?

Otherwise were just 6 or 7 people on the internet chewing the cud.

I wish you well OP.

diamond090809

Maphisto wrote: »

Well as unpleasant as it is, you have the "proof" if you want it of either an affair or not.

How about if explained that you were not happy with this woman texting him, that it made you feel insecure and uncertain about your shared future and in that context you asked him if you could see the texts?

Otherwise were just 6 or 7 people on the internet chewing the cud.

I wish you well OP.

I have explained how I feel that I don't like it and that iam not happy with it, he keeps assuring me that there friends and nothings going on just talking!that I shouldn't be worried! I asked has anything changed between us and in the relationship " he said no, everything is the same and he feels the same "
But then again he comes back with lots of ideas that need to change in his life like save money for a house not drink as much or go out,stop smoking , lose weight, plan for the future--->(has been sentencees to make are relationship better, do things together.he said everything is for the better! and it's the fact he just whent for 12 day and all of this comes out of it!
I don't know were it's coming from because we have talked about a little bit but not serious! Maby the woman has inspired him!! I just don't know!

LegacyUser

diamond090809 wrote: »

No I asked him, and he answered, I just don't know if it's true or what else there taking about and what kind of texts the exchanging

If you havent seen the texts how do you know she was texting kisses?

Big Bag of Chips

diamond090809 wrote: »

...Maby the woman has inspired him!! I just don't know!

You clearly have your mind made up that she is after him, and he wants her.

Do you know if she's texting the other lads too? If she was texting them all, would that make you feel better? You keep saying you don't trust her. That's irrelevant. Do you trust your bf? You say he keeps reassuring you that your relationship is fine.... Well do you believe him?
You need to figure out in your head what you think and what you want. If you don't trust your bf, then maybe you're better off being single for a while. Regardless of whether or not he is guilty of anything, being with someone when you are so unsure and suspicious of everything is not good for you. It's not a nice place to be.

Your bf may cheat on you. He may never cheat on you. Worrying about it, watching for clues etc isn't going to change that.

Nobody here knows if it's 2 friends texting, or if it's 2 people who fancy each other. Kisses at the end of texts mean nothing to some people. They put kisses on the end of every text. Regardless of who they are sending it too.

What it boils down to is if you trust him and if you are happy in the relationship. It may be all innocent. But you have to decide if you are happy with him texting another girl. And you have to decide if you trust him... We can't decide that for you.

diamond090809

cant log in wrote: »

If you havent seen the texts how do you know she was texting kisses?

I seen one unexpectedly when he was shown me something on his phone! That night when he flew back from holidays I whent to the airport to get him as a surprise, And it's said "sweet dreams, sweet kiss "

beyondbelief67

diamond090809 wrote: »

I seen one unexpectedly when he was shown me something on his phone! That night when he flew back from holidays I whent to the airport to get him as a surprise, And it's said "sweet dreams, sweet kiss "

If I saw that in my boyfriends phone hed be my ex boyfriend !!!

Big Bag of Chips

OP - what do you want people to tell you? You are the one who has to live in this relationship. If you don't trust your boyfriend then you don't trust him. You can't just pretend you do and continue on hoping you'll be happy.

You're either happy or your not.

Have you sat down and spoken to him. Told him you are not happy. Told him it makes you uncomfortable. At the very least he should be able to reassure you. He should be able to cut back on the texting and maybe not engage quite so much, if he feels the level of contact between them is inappropriate. But, if he insists they are just friends, and he insists it is all innocent then you have to decide...

Do you accept that? Fully? Believe what he says and not be insecure every time his phone beeps? Because if you choose to believe him, then you have to believe him. 100%. You can't keep going back to this.

Or do you tell him that you cannot continue in the relationship if he continues to be in contact with her and getting "sweet kisses" texts from him?

Those really are your options.

Because the only other option is to not be honest with him. Pretend you are ok with it all. And spend your entire relationship wondering is he flirting with her. Did something happen? Will something happen? Etc.

Colser

diamond090809 wrote: »

I seen one unexpectedly when he was shown me something on his phone! That night when he flew back from holidays I whent to the airport to get him as a surprise, And it's said "sweet dreams, sweet kiss "

I can see why you are suspicious OP...you may be wrong..I would not be happy with those texts...maybe its jealousy ect and Im sure the correct advise is to trust your boyfriend /hes entitled to text her ect BUT sometimes when your instinct is telling you otherwise you are right to heed it.

It may be a waiting game to see if you are right to be suspicious because of the fact that it is only texts between them ..Its a difficult one but I hope it works out for you. I just wanted to say that I dont think you are being overly suspicious or jealous.

diamond090809

Colser wrote: »

I can see why you are suspicious OP...you may be wrong..I would not be happy with those texts...maybe its jealousy ect and Im sure the correct advise is to trust your boyfriend /hes entitled to text her ect BUT sometimes when your instinct is telling you otherwise you are right to heed it.

It may be a waiting game to see if you are right to be suspicious because of the fact that it is only texts between them ..Its a difficult one but I hope it works out for you. I just wanted to say that I dont think you are being overly suspicious or jealous.

Thank you for all the advice! my suspicions came true, at least some of it! The woman is interested more or less! She asked him to come to Norway in august for a holiday gave him all the details etc, knowing that he has a girlfriend she didn't even offer to take me with him if he wanted to! so the way I see it is she doesn't want me there! Because just a friend would have at least offered accepted or not that would be our choice! So I don't know what to do tell him to stop all contacts or let it be.... I know he is trying to keep it simple texts etc so noone would get hurt! Because he doesn't want to hurt her also!

Big Bag of Chips

But it doesn't matter if your suspicions are right about her. If your bf isn't interested then she can offer herself naked on a plate and you still won't have anything to worry about. In fact, if that was the case, you'd probably pity her for being so desperate for attention from someone else's bf.

But do you trust him?

She's in Norway. She can't really do anything physical or practical to your bf. So realistically she is no threat to your relationship. She is only a threat if he allows her to be. If he encourages flirting etc, and doesn't make it clear he is not interested.

So again, her texting your bf isn't a problem, really. It's how your bf responds and reacts to that will let you know if there's a problem.

Funnily enough, men tend to have minds of their own. And if he chooses to go off with her, then that will be down to him and his own free will. Not down to her and some mad manipulation of him.

She's not your problem. He is.